惡名之下
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致不想回想起的記憶
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我不是那種「一般」的孩子373Please respect copyright.PENANAdonFy7Cg9N
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但特殊得來,又不叫人驕傲的特別373Please respect copyright.PENANAZuH9kQUsEN
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童年、成長、至今,我深知自己和其他人的不同,正因如此,我也因為這份特殊與我該在的地方、該有的身分道出分離宣言
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不是我害怕373Please respect copyright.PENANAFojI1S8wxD
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是害怕自身
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世界很奇怪,只是不一樣的,所謂之「特別」,往往引人恐懼,危險的出現373Please respect copyright.PENANAZdgbYorrDK
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因為不同,意味改變373Please respect copyright.PENANAVmcbcoM6r1
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縱然沒人希望遇上困難,但又想克服,就只能待困難自己解決、或是自身忽然學懂如何去使吹灰之力的程度373Please respect copyright.PENANA7IaSjYBhh8
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卻現實中,是沒有可能發生此種事,萬物不由己生,正如沒有不勞而獲,其之獲的勞,純粹不是由自己付出而已373Please respect copyright.PENANAb404Zr5oHi
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這道理373Please respect copyright.PENANATT5sULtNyS
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我是明白的373Please respect copyright.PENANAHu7oB65YMX
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但又現實中,我做不了什麼,我無法展現自己在這方面的認知373Please respect copyright.PENANAd05uIEfIDA
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—— 啪喇 ——373Please respect copyright.PENANAW8yYcBYa77
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「廢物!」373Please respect copyright.PENANA1QFpJ1an7Y
「您是吃撐沒事幹嗎?!」373Please respect copyright.PENANAYN3RvOPXnd
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見玻璃零碎散落,深紅沾在純黑的地毯,清脆響亮的聲響堪比硫磺一發,暗中的深紅滿滲若如蚊餐一地,儘管而言並非直對此方,隱約可見利片刺中了自己373Please respect copyright.PENANAznYZrj4M6c
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「現在有毛有翼曉升天了,作反了哦?!」373Please respect copyright.PENANARMx9lg0dUW
「您究竟是不是真的弱智哦?!」373Please respect copyright.PENANA6MlqZefBRK
373Please respect copyright.PENANAldKKVyuaPh
「麻煩製造者⋯您可真是⋯⋯可不可以有點自知之名?」373Please respect copyright.PENANAxNOwRMPKC0
「該死⋯」373Please respect copyright.PENANAHWfGBl3M37
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使力擦著額,短棕髮的她伸手到黑木桌子,「咻」一聲扯開櫃門,反手便伸入其中,撥開文具,翻走書本,往當中內最深處伸去373Please respect copyright.PENANA74wXak8JbX
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數聲粗魯的物品碰撞,還有其後那響亮至耳窒的拍門,女性在視野外掏出一白中漂黃的東西
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象牙製煙斗
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勾在嘴裏,同時從胸前口袋中拿出小圓盒,像口紅的造型,倒是金屬製,畢竟說到底才非打份用373Please respect copyright.PENANAhMeLwQJzOV
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熟練地扭開蓋鎖,拇指彈上開蓋,倒轉在煙斗的填裝位,一滴373Please respect copyright.PENANAS3IuV3y7lk
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「⋯呼⋯⋯」373Please respect copyright.PENANA4GZ51pMhsW
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雜草味,燒靑草的氣味,少許攻鼻,但並不濃,再者也未到刺激的程度,單純是蠻有葉綠味而已,連漂出來的白煙也幾乎不存在,室內散佈最強烈的,唯有植物的味道
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背對自己,她抽著煙斗,看往窗外
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不是特別高樓層,當然整座大廈也是己業前提,地方必是自己選址選樓層
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若是較高的位置,是可以看到海景,朝向東邊的海藍天,以及遠方一帶沿海的密集,高樓大廈又有,不起眼的小方塊亦有,熊本縣的各沿海城市,整個一起,掃望而入眼內373Please respect copyright.PENANACGGrR6FJpZ
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但她不同,她的選擇往往比任何⋯一般人,自己所想的奇怪,然而又有其論點,要說的話,就是她擁有著不同自己,過於複雜而與別不同的想法373Please respect copyright.PENANAgIZtttv2Nn
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作風不一,思考的模式不一樣
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就好比她不打算把辦公室置於上面,而是這兒,這層,剛好不高於窗戶所面向,商店街的頂蓋,的一層
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看到車站、酒吧街街頭、商場門口,各種
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因為她要真正的「全景」
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我真的搞不清楚,嘛,無法理解
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好比她究竟是怎樣看待自己一樣
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我知道,我也明白自己現在可是搞出大麻煩了,不但引起了刑警的注意,還有引致本地一眾不良、暴走族的騷動,現在回望,嘛,還真是想也想不到自己有這麼的能力373Please respect copyright.PENANApUkHSXH0pv
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抑或說,是我一直以來,低估了老姐她的聲譽及影響力373Please respect copyright.PENANAyRaAIp57zf
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山松組的力量373Please respect copyright.PENANAqR94M6H7HX
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「您到底⋯什麼時候才會學乖呀?混帳⋯」373Please respect copyright.PENANAWzfsxyk1LH
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回神過來,她已經坐了在那辦工椅上,左腳放右腳膝頭,口中濃吐淡煙,即使口氣稍安定,放大的瞳孔凶剎不爾373Please respect copyright.PENANAa5JkjtUd0T
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她是我的姐姐373Please respect copyright.PENANAlPUe7uon6x
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山松組的老大373Please respect copyright.PENANAhHJjctCP1s
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大和英加373Please respect copyright.PENANAz6tDvwKdsS
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「說話啊」373Please respect copyright.PENANAvpdlxGhyov
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央百花373Please respect copyright.PENANA0wJ709fPyz
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我努力地站在原處,就這樣一聲不吭,但是視線一交上,就看不了更多,看不到,尋找不到視線可聚落之處,可是呢,她可還生氣著,直對自己373Please respect copyright.PENANA7CpVuzS4zC
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「⋯我可不會當你啞的」
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「⋯⋯你要是不說話⋯那好⋯⋯好⋯」
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「就讓我倆在這,一直⋯一直在這」
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「在這一起浪費時間,反正⋯ 我 · 很 · 閒 」373Please respect copyright.PENANAcIw15ROHYu
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「⋯⋯」373Please respect copyright.PENANA1lvYwe2uG7
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呼吸聲由緊縫的唇瓣洩出,曾有再多的話,希望反駁、說理,又說不出,不在她面前373Please respect copyright.PENANAui8yWFCcn9
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我不只是害怕,畢竟目前為止,一生中最敬重,亦最不喜歡的,也是她,我的姐姐373Please respect copyright.PENANAm7dJDSKAew
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她為我做了很多,太多,甚至我了解,自己所認知的,只是整幅拼圖的一小塊373Please respect copyright.PENANATfr2ki3plS
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理應我該做好自己就好了,對她來說是最好了373Please respect copyright.PENANATFR3kSd3ii
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所以說,我到底做了什麼?373Please respect copyright.PENANAR3MAahd7Ss
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我在反叛嗎?可能373Please respect copyright.PENANAJOLPWyerbi
為了什麼?
為了什麼⋯?
成為些什麼的身分?
為了她的認同?
⋯⋯
我不知道
我自己也搞不清楚
回去一開始談到的地方
我選擇了前者
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讓困難自己解決373Please respect copyright.PENANA6hPPIvUcLo
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但困難就是自己373Please respect copyright.PENANAgU4RwANdCU
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所以才裝模作樣,卻又成了反效果,或是說,我從來也沒有想清楚任何事情,而衝進去做373Please respect copyright.PENANAdmKZRY4wqU
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我做事沒腦根、理性,是後來的事情,日益嚴重,動不動就動氣,感性行事,這樣子便不用想了,不用想太多了373Please respect copyright.PENANAL8ejWcpwRE
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不用去想更多平時的負面了373Please respect copyright.PENANAfhQZJsXwrX
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單憑感覺行事373Please respect copyright.PENANAdYMw5mXxBI
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這樣子便不用去研究他人的目光、想法,自己的得失,將來的後果,麻煩的各種373Please respect copyright.PENANArUhmgkUwkk
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反正本身裏頭已經積累了太多373Please respect copyright.PENANAqXtkW8jPrw
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確實地問我,是不是很想孤立自己?373Please respect copyright.PENANAGbc4yVNYiZ
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別開玩笑373Please respect copyright.PENANAzXDIFtSTKq
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但我有選擇嗎?373Please respect copyright.PENANA6DMLAnUDgG
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注定無法「正常」地生活的我,注定混混噩噩過日子的自己,大概⋯本身已經叫姐姐她傷心了吧?373Please respect copyright.PENANAdim0geqUeZ
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不過單是自己也是373Please respect copyright.PENANAVpXpad2iGS
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我不想這樣子373Please respect copyright.PENANA3IhsGxhAMw
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我不希望這樣子的「特別」373Please respect copyright.PENANAR2LB1X6ahi
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但對自己來說,所謂的「未來」已是注定的
不能做到什麼
不能實現什麼
那怕是已經放棄得崩潰、討厭自己
也不能有什麼改變
我看不到明天,也看不到昨天
但⋯有分別嗎?
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當初的命運已經被注定,因為自己是大和氏,因為和那混帳有關係,因為⋯因為373Please respect copyright.PENANASDMtaibLeO
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我根本沒有能力去保護自己373Please respect copyright.PENANAu4XTOQpWZB
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沒有能力373Please respect copyright.PENANAZp2aOMQCiD
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一直以來也是373Please respect copyright.PENANAxwU70Vt6kG
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我⋯⋯373Please respect copyright.PENANASr9l60Gxgn
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我373Please respect copyright.PENANAhsc920lZRH
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我根本沒有選擇373Please respect copyright.PENANAIoLsceZB08
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現在的話,選不選擇也沒差別吧⋯373Please respect copyright.PENANAoC2cjDo4Bo
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算啦⋯373Please respect copyright.PENANAlJjHWVVFAp
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就讓我自暴自棄吧
將我棄之不理吧
但一定,一定
一定會被反對為結果吧
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「⋯」373Please respect copyright.PENANAOrEXXZTNjU
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怎也沒所謂了373Please respect copyright.PENANAyZZpRZy1EI
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「⋯算了」373Please respect copyright.PENANAUu4fmbV6eb
「我要出去食晚飯了」373Please respect copyright.PENANAgTTbX5NvGl
「你打算怎樣子呢」373Please respect copyright.PENANA8yPK6bN6Hv
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「⋯⋯嗯」373Please respect copyright.PENANAvTOSerQ2Xh
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沒所謂了373Please respect copyright.PENANAcaOcTPr7Sh
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「⋯⋯」373Please respect copyright.PENANAa3IqZykKQ1
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反正我就是生下來那刻開始被詛咒了373Please respect copyright.PENANA2oXeZcnjQx
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反正是我自己弄到自己得如此下場373Please respect copyright.PENANAOdyJyTgq9q
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反正373Please respect copyright.PENANAdmbafsVJW2
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「⋯」373Please respect copyright.PENANAkpLTdEN7M0
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「笨蛋」373Please respect copyright.PENANAqirbs3PQ94
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我是不值得被愛被相信的惡名之子