These Naruto Pairings are wack, man!
Do any of the pairings people religiously cling onto make any sense whatsoever? People run entire blogs on this nonsense.
Let’s look at the so-called “positive” ones first:
MinaKushia: He liked her hair and that compelled him to head out after her to rescue her? … why? That’s their entire romance story, and you’ve got many dudebros on Reddit and Naruto-based forums and Tumblr aunties losing their shit and weeping bloody tears over this as if it’s the best thing to happen in Naruto. Their story’s … funny, childish, and awful in regard to having no semblance of foundation for their devotion to each other; and I don’t mean that in a good way. It’s ridiculous, actually.
Shikatema: They shared only few awkward panels with each other. That isn’t romantic development or whatever kids on Tumblr would like to call it; and while I’m at it, I’d like to add this here: this guy’s a ducking misogynistic anus (he’s a terribly written character, too). He goes out of his way to call women annoying and irritating ’cause they’re women. Many self-proclaimed feminists have a lot of vitriol to throw at Sasuke over their clinical obsessions with self-inserting into Sakura, but Sasuke’s in a habit of returning the kind of courtesy a character shows to him. He isn’t like Shikamaru. Why does no one call this guy out? Really, this pairing makes no sense.
SasuNaru: It’s one-sided to the extreme and completely hinges on Naruto’s psychotic tendency to be “acknowledged”. Dude’s like the Gretchen Wieners of Naruto. He can’t shut up about his life-goals and problems. That’s it. That’s Naruto’s whole problem. He can’t have people having their way. This guy can’t seem to mind his own Goddamn business … he has issues. Dude’s a complete loser, and he accepted that in his sob-story monologue that how Sasuke’s popularity made him jealous. No, he did say that. I’m shocked that this pairing has a whole platoon of followers that don’t even ship this for fun. They’re dead-serious about this. This guy completely took away Sasuke’s agency as a human being. He wanted to do that since part I. Which part of it seems reasonable, sensible, or healthy to anyone?
Narusaku: How does this pairing work? Naruto liked her. All right, then what? The whole premise comes to a screeching halt ’cause Sakura’s so bloody obsessed with Sasuke, and that never changed at any point in the entire manga. She worked so hard ’cause she wanted Sasuke to notice her, acknowledge her, and finally, accept her as a romantic partner. She wanted to prove herself to Sasuke only. That’s the pillar on which her entire character stands, which is why I’ve never understood the people that bawl over her mistreatment at her creator’s hands. She never had any presence in the narrative. Sasuke carries her entire weight, or whatever little worth she has in the Manga. If you remove Sasuke, she falls into a deep hole … out of the Manga’s narrative. You people didn’t notice how she was written? It isn’t Kishimoto’s fault that you created this version of character in your heads that was never going to happen, given how her premise is written.
The problem with this pairing is Sakura herself: her whole character’s utterly dependent on Sasuke and Sasuke only; and I’m not talking about Romance only. No, her improvement as a Shinobi is solely due to Sasuke. Heck, she didn’t even change her attitude towards Naruto without Sasuke. If you take Sasuke out of the equation, she drops out of the Chunin Examinations and is never heard from ever again; she never becomes nice to Naruto; she never tries to improve. For this pairing to hold any water, it requires a completely different character, not Sakura. (It’s fine as a platonic pairing, but it doesn’t work as a romantic pairing.)
InoSai: He’s Ino’s safety-net guy as Sasuke didn’t toss her a bone (her first remark about Sai is that he looks a little like Sasuke). I mean, she was crying about Sasuke while she was talking to her father for the last time. That’s hardly something you’d talk about during your final exchange with a loved one, but she really liked Sasuke … quite a lot, I guess. Her Infinite Tsukuyomi dream had Sasuke fighting with Sai over her. Had Sasuke given her the tiniest indication that he was interested, she’d have never married Sai. I’ve seen many post absolutely silly gifs of them hugging, but … nothing of that happened on-panel, so I don’t see the point.
Sure, it’s perfectly fine for Ino to keep her options open, but it isn’t a good pairing precisely for the reason that she went for a guy that was a twelfth-rate (I’m being very generous) copy of the guy she liked. I don’t even mind Ino (she’s one of the better realized characters; and she didn’t force herself on anyone, either); but it’s just weird.
Now, let’s look at the perceived “negative” ones:
Naruhina: This girl nearly got everyone killed when she hurtled at Deva like a complete idiot. She was never the brightest bulb in the tool-box, but this was laughable; and here on Tumblr, we’ve got entire blogs weeping over their (cartoon) sacred married life (even the semen Naruto shot into her shone with divine light; this pairing’s that holy). Fast forward several hundred chapters and Naruto’s still going, “what’s a Hinata?” They had to push out a whole damn movie, like Hinata pushed out two ugly children, to make any heads or tails of this nonsense (never mind the Canon content SP maimed for this); and even then it only worked because of Genjutsu. Don’t even try with me here. She’s like a third-rate stalker that can’t even stalk properly. She’s insufferable as a character. Besides, when a studio has to copy Sasuke and Naruto’s platonic scenes frame by frame to help take off their cheap romance, you know it was never meant to be.
SasuSaku: This is a grossly lopsided pairing, to the point that it’s repugnant. Sakura, like Naruto, can’t seem to respect Sasuke’s agency, boundaries, and goals as a person. She physically desires him (and her desire’s intense, obsessive, and ludicrously self-centered), and that’s it. He’s a challenge to her. No matter how many times Sasuke rejects her, softly or aggressively, she doesn’t waver. She doesn’t care about anyone to this degree. Heck, has she ever mentioned her parents since that one time she said that if they died she wouldn’t care as he’d be gone from her life? That’s all that needs to be said here.
That and Sasuke’s marriage to her symbolizes his complete subjugation by the very system that committed genocide against his people. His marriage to her binds him to the Village’s themes. (That hideous looking monstrosity, Sarada, she squeezed out would be another one.) Leaf eradicated an entire race. With Sasuke, this “marriage” goes beyond manga-fluff. It presents a message about the supremacy of imperialism, jingoism, and state sanctioned terrorism. This pairing is more about what’s inherently wrong with Naruto Manga’s message than anything else. Personally, I can’t stand it.
Then we’ve got the “crack” ships that people swear should have worked in canon:
Sakura x any Uchiha: It doesn’t work. It has no basis in Canon. They are never foregoing their ideologies for her. Never. It requires every one of the clansmen to be comically Out of Character to baby her, and no reader who likes the Uchiha wants to read that slop. Obito’s ducking obsessed with Rin. Do I even need to repeat the fact that he started a war over her? Itachi won’t put anyone anywhere near Sasuke, so Itasaku shippers can forget about her being his “one and only”. The moment she becomes a threat to Sasuke, the bitch’s head will roll (and he won’t murder her pussy like he murdered his clan). Madara doesn’t care. Izuna doesn’t care. Indra won’t care. Sasuke never cared. The only way this will work is that she keeps up that “obsession” game, but she’s used to this fruitless chasing, I suppose.
Sakura x any Senju: Hashirama’s political marriage to Mito was to strengthen Leaf as a new military village. I get it that the serious lovers of this pairing, who’re under the impression that this could actually work (’cause Sakura was robbed in Canon; she’s always duking robbed!), aren’t all that bright, but Hashirama tossing aside the wife he took in for political reasons for Sakura … is one of the most idiotic things I’ve ever heard. What would Sakura offer to him compared to Mito? Nothing. And Tobirama? He was probably … gay or completely asexual. Why would Sakura interest him? She’s completely ordinary, and she possesses no talent to invent nor any natural ability for him to study. She isn’t even remotely prodigious to even mildly interest him.
(All of the Uchiha and Senju Sakura’s pairings are steeped in blatant self-inserting antics.)
LeeSaku: He isn’t hot like the Uchiha, man. Let’s be real. No one wants to go through the pains of self-inserting and duck … that. Also, you’d have to write a completely different Sakura for this to work.
Itasasu: People, duck off with this one. He’s his brother. It’s pedophilia. He massacred the entire family and tormented Sasuke repeatedly. If all that wasn’t bad enough, people want him to climb onto his little brother’s buttocks and … you know what I mean! How does this shit even work? It’s wanton!
KakaSaku: Another pairing that drips with pedophilia and grooming trends. No, I don’t want to read your mental gymnastics.
Sasuhina: Huh?! She’s too meek. Her mannerisms would anger him. I’m serious. The only way this would work is if you write a completely Out of Character Sasuke. If it’s Canon Sasuke, then fat chance. He’s never sharing his life-story with her (the most common Sasuhina trope; it’s so common that every fiction reads the same way). He’d keep her at arm’s length. It might work if she stays ’cause she’s meek enough to endure this. I can’t see any romance happening here from Sasuke’s side.
InoSaku: All right, I get it. People want a lesbian pairing. I’ve got no issues with that. Like Sasunaru, it isn’t canon, but there’s no harm in that; but then the lovers of this pairing start posting long theses that Ino and Sakura are lesbians, and I’m thinking to myself … what?! Did you guys forget Sakura’s psychopathic obsession with Sasuke? Dear God, she wanted to see his penis when she was 12. Her entire life goal was to get a safe landing on his penis, without any turbulence involved. What about Ino? She’s a lesbian, but she was dreaming of two boys fighting over her? And didn’t Sakura break off her friendship with Ino and never apologize? All of her interactions with Ino were lukewarm at best throughout the manga after their fight in the Chunin Examinations. I’m confused …
The only pairings that had some basis in canon were Dantsuna and Sasukarin. The former was shown to have basis in common interests (not baseless obsessions with someone like Naruto and Sakura). Dan and Tsunade wanted to change the way the military operated. Their romance started from there. When Tsunade lost her brother, Dan became her strength to improve on her Medical Ninjutsu and change things. It’s the factor of “change” that brought them together. His death changed her again. The former’s the only complete Romance story in the entire manga, and despite being on so few panels, it shows that Kishimoto’s fully capable of writing romantic relationships.
The latter had … probably the most solid backbone for any pairing in canon. Sasuke freed Karin. Sure, she was running the place, but she was still Orochimaru’s prisoner in a sense that she lacked the courage to leave the hide-out and assume control of her own life. Sasuke saved her life in the past, which became the reason for her love and lust (let’s be honest, she does like Sasuke ’cause he’s good looking; and there’s nothing wrong with that), and here, he provided her with the courage she needed to leave.
She understood Sasuke, and Sasuke understood her. She never imposed herself on him; and Sasuke never imposed himself on her. Like Dan and Tsunade, they had a mutual understanding between them; however, Kishimoto never took this anywhere. As soon as Sasuke woke up from his dream that involved the Sage, he forgot about her. I’m guessing that that’s when Kishimoto was pushed for the next generation.
Dan and Tsunade could’ve developed into Jiraiya and Tsunade. The groundwork was there, but Kishimoto left it at that. Yahiko and Konan is another pairing that was complete in a sense that its ending was tragic, but it was a pairing, like Dan and Tsunade, that had basis in mutual goals. They also supported each other through thick and thin. It’s a shame that Kishimoto’s capable of Romance, but he seems more interested in dysfunctional relationships. I don’t know about anyone else, but I find this notion … interesting.
sasuke anti sasusaku anti sakura fandom anti naruhina anti hinata fandom anti sakura x uchiha anti sasuhina anti kakasaku anti inosai anti narusasu anti itasasu anti minakushi anti shikatema anti sakura x senju anti narusaku dantsuna sasukarin anti inosaku cheeky post yahiko konan
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