You haven't begun to know complexity until you've met her and her lover; her lover who is capable of placing her in the most elated state she will ever be in, but could also effortlessly shatter her heart into more pieces than she could ever imagine 一 It knocks her off her pedestal, into a potentially deadly pool of quicksand — negative thoughts, scenarios, and emotions.
The more she tries to escape, the deeper she sinks, and just when she feels that she has reached her lowest point..as if she is at the point of no return — she braces herself to be immersed; she begins to embrace these negative thoughts, scenarios, and emotions — for some reason she still yearns for It, the very being that is responsible for her current unfortunate position. As much as she tries to deny her feelings, at one point It made her the happiest she has ever been, and without It, she can feel It's absence in every aspect, it's heartbreaking. She is not herself if It is not present in her life, it definitely shows, others may not take notice, but she does, and so does It.
Resentment is what she feels toward herself; she doesn't understand why she is so dependent on It. She doesn't understand why even in her deepest, darkest moments, It feels like the best solution, no, It is the only solution. She is angry with herself, because she is fully aware of what It is capable of doing; what It HAS done, and yet here she is, hoping to just be in It's presence at least one more time — despite their negative past she can only think of the positive feelings It brings her. No matter how many times she has tried to disregard her feelings for It, hate It, deny It — It brings out the best in her and she is so unnecessarily grateful.
And here It comes, just as she becomes complacent in her debilitating negative state — physically, mentally, emotionally — It swings in and saves the day, and deep down she knew It would. She knows that even though they don't always see eye to eye, she can bet her last dime that It will be the one to disentangle her, even from It's own traps.
Sometimes she believes that It puts her in these positions with good intentions; to humble her, to remind her that she still needs It, and always will. She believes that It also needs the same reassurance for itself, to see how she manages to live without It. It is so powerful. It is breathtaking. It is groundbreaking. It is intense. It is inexplicable. It is undeniable. It is almost unbearably harsh. It does not hold back. It does not wait for anyone. It is love and she is me.
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