我和鄰居大姐姐的故事（Tier 1至3已完結/無課連載中） - 十七

十七

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秋兒姐姐既表情暗淡左落黎，好勉強咁講左句：「嗯。我真係唔係你邊個。」

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聽到呢句、睇到秋兒姐姐忽然暗淡落黎既表情，我小小既心靈好似突然刺一刺痛。

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我…係咪講左啲好差既說話？

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但我呢個時候唔好話道歉，我直情乜都講唔出口…

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講唔出口…

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我由細開始係成日亂鳩咁寸人，但對住兩個人我一直係保持住好友善既態度去對住佢地。

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第一個係我老豆。

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與其話友善，不如話係尊敬同佩服。

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佢一個人日日都努力返工湊大我，我係知道的，同樣係好感恩。

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第二個…

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係秋兒姐姐。

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由細同我玩到大、同我冇血緣關係但兼埋我母職姐職既秋兒姐姐。

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我知道秋兒姐姐對我好好，我一直都係好感恩。

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對住秋兒姐姐，我總係有一種好親密、好舒服既感覺，而且我可以完全放鬆晒，甚至好樂意向佢撒下嬌。

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我仲會成日都好掛住佢，想同佢傾計，想成為佢心目中特別既一個。

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而秋兒姐姐都係對我百般遷就，從來冇乜點責罵過我。

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或者係咁，我先會覺得佢對我既溫柔係必然，無論我對佢點都好，佢都唔會嬲、唔會唔開心。

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我以為我點發脾氣都好，佢都一定會氹返我。

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唔應該係而家咁。

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唔應該係呢種氣氛…

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究竟我講左啲乜野…

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我感覺到我雙眼開始有小小紅。

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我冇出聲，繼續凝視住秋兒姐姐。

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正確啲黎講係我根本唔知講乜好…

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秋兒姐姐嘆左口氣，黯然道：「其實…熙熙你響學校，我冇可能全天候都可以睇得住你。但係，你響啦啦隊練習入面唔習慣，其實我一直有留意。只不過…正如我第一日返學所講，升左上中學之後，你要學下獨立…」

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「我小學仲唔夠獨立咩…」我小學既時候經常性都係自己一個人…唔止獨立，仲好孤獨…

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秋兒姐姐搖一搖頭，再道：「我係指，你應該試下自己去解決問題，同其他同學打好關係，唔再好似響小學既時候咁孤零零。如果我郁啲就主動地出現幫你，你就未必咁易建立到自己既圈子…你係應該要有自己既圈子。」

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唔係架…妳對我黎講重要過其他人架…

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但我呢一刻乜都講到出口。

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秋兒姐姐再嘆左口氣：「而且，更加重要既係，下年我就會考，我好快就要開始比心機響讀書上面，唔可以成日照顧到你。萬一…萬一我升唔到中六，你都已經可以獨立咁響學校入面生活。」

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妳讀書咁叻…唔會升唔到架…

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「黃社方面，其實已經有幾個幹事知道我同你係由細玩到大…我唔想比人話我呢個副社長公私不分…」

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我諗起上次班男幹事望住我既眼神…

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秋兒姐姐再直視住我，再帶點內疚咁講：「令到熙熙你亂諗野…係我諗得唔夠周到，我應該要一早同你講清楚…我諗…我今次真係用錯左方法…對唔住…」

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秋兒姐姐…為左我…諗左咁多野…仲無端端同我道歉…

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我先係應該要道歉既人？

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但我係一個又小學雞又死要面既人。

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歉，我道唔出…

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沉默左一陣。

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「但你講得啱，我唔係你邊個…我冇權將自己既諗法，強加響你身上…」講完呢句，秋兒姐姐冇再出聲，只係默默咁低頭繼續食飯…

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我…想開口講啲野，但話響喉頭梗住，乜都講唔出…

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我究竟響度做乜？

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我掃跌晒啲飯餸，但秋兒姐姐冇鬧過我…只係默默咁收拾好，再將剩低既飯餸再整過…

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咁既沉默令我更加鬱悶…我啱啱究做左啲乜？

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我地兩個默默咁食完餐飯之後，我主動幫手洗碗，但…個過程好似好尷尬咁，妳又唔出聲我又唔出聲。

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而且我平時都唔係成日幫秋兒姐姐手，而家咁既情況大家又冇溝通咁一齊做家務反而越做越亂，最後秋兒姐姐終於忍唔住開聲叫我出去。

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平淡既語氣。

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冇乜感情既語氣。

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最後…我忍唔住咁怪既氣氛走左返屋企。

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依舊冇出過聲…

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我訓左響張床度，望住個天花板…

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究竟我做乜鳩發咁大脾氣？

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不過人響衝動既時候真係好多野都控制唔到…（係喇…我知係藉口喇…）

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唔理喇…聽日先算喇…

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第二日我如常咁搭巴士返學。

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只不過…今日…我唔再係同秋兒姐姐一齊返學。

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我其實有諗過好唔好早小小起身走去搵秋兒姐姐一齊返學既，但臉皮薄既我最後都係冇咁做。

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一來遇上呢啲事情我既臉皮真係薄，二來諗起尋晚洗碗時既尷尬…

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所以，我選擇左逃避。

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「喂！話你知話你知，同佢一齊放學先知，原來女班長份人都幾傾得計架喎！」小息既時候，阿必響我隔離嘈個不停：「佢個人真係好友善！」

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我伏左響張枱上面，郁都唔撚想郁。

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秋兒姐姐…

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「我一路同佢傾計，佢都有比反應我，我幾驚佢嫌我悶唔比反應呀！」阿必繼續講。

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好撚嘈呀…

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比我冷靜下得唔得…

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秋兒姐姐…

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我同秋兒姐姐既關係…係咪永遠都係咁架…

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唔好呀…

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我轉一轉個頭，將個頭完全伏晒落手臂入面…

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我想將自己隔離…

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咩都唔想理…

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「熙熙，你冇事吖嗎？」淇淇把聲出現左。

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佢把聲…點解聽落咁溫柔既？

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我繼續伏響度冇理佢。

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同時，阿必果把好撚煩既死人聲都停止左。

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落得清靜。

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淇淇見我唔出聲應佢，再問我：「你係咪唔舒服？今朝開始見你面神都唔係咁好，好似冇乜精神咁。」

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我繼續伏響度。

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「唔係吖，佢不嬲都係咁架喇，冇事喎！」死人必你唔出聲冇人話你啞架。

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「你唔好咁話人喇。熙熙，駛唔駛陪你去醫療室？」淇淇果把溫柔既聲音又響起。

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陽光既淇淇同文靜既秋兒姐姐其實應該係完全唔同既類型，但呢一刻我覺得佢地溫柔既聲線好似。

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我忍唔住抬頭望一望佢。

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咁啱同佢四目交投，見到佢一臉擔心咁望住我。

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我搖一搖頭再伏返低：「唔駛，我冇事。」

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「嗯…真係冇事？」

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「冇呀！」我唔耐煩咁回答佢。

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我啲脾氣又開始想發作。

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「喂！」我感覺到阿必拍一拍我。

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我冇比任何反應。

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淇淇呆一呆，再道：「嗯，咁你好好休息下。」頓了一頓又關心地道：「如果真係唔舒服記得出聲。」

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我都係冇反應。

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「咁…陣間見？」淇淇向我道別。

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「嗯。」我求其回應。

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咪住。

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陣間？

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即係啦啦隊練習？

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