978Please respect copyright.PENANAJQ11tilHzv
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其實我不是沒有喜歡過阿樂。978Please respect copyright.PENANAs68tKehgsD
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只是,這種喜歡對我來說,是不夠的。978Please respect copyright.PENANAHuCxOwwAZs
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剛剛認識阿樂的時候,我就覺得他很搞笑,不是娛樂的那種,而是因為他總是不說話,和整體的Ocamp氣氛很不夾。別人的熱情和他的靜默形成強烈對比,甚至他每次說話時都感覺很放不開,有點緊張。978Please respect copyright.PENANAJ5V9WdcHrQ
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這一點,令我覺得他比別人可靠,和別的滿嘴跑火車的人,不一樣。978Please respect copyright.PENANAbkMV2liNer
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我認識了他,我和他相熟。978Please respect copyright.PENANADnQ4bOfVbX
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阿樂不只是林子樂了,他還是「樂仔」。978Please respect copyright.PENANAke019maRRZ
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我們是同一屆的新生,有好多事都是一起學的,譬如Reg科。我登入不到系統的時候,就找他求救,他幫助登入,不斷重刷那該死的網頁。978Please respect copyright.PENANA6AzaweGIBg
978Please respect copyright.PENANAnY7W7uZKZK
我們一起在晚上行過新亞書院的情人路,正正因為很黑,所以要有人陪才能行。他成了我一段路的情人,我捉過他的手臂,然而這一種肢體碰觸可能太過輕巧了,多走一會兒,就已經到達了本部。978Please respect copyright.PENANAQOlvoWT74F
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我喜歡過阿樂,但其實,我也不知那是不是喜歡。978Please respect copyright.PENANAxQQgQDZ047
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他陪在我身邊,和我日夜傾談的日子,我有心動。對,我發現我有心動,會很想等到他的WhatsApp,或者很期待和他連線睇戲。可是這一種感覺,卻沒有很強烈,就是很淡,很柔和的思念,僅此而已。978Please respect copyright.PENANACZzgSKZUnz
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然後戀愛,尤其是年輕人的戀愛,這樣的平淡對我來說是不夠的。每次對上阿樂的眼睛,我都懷疑自己的感情;喜歡他,和我以前喜歡別人時的感覺,差太遠了,以前真的是心跳很快很急,可是面對阿樂,卻沒有那樣的顛簸。978Please respect copyright.PENANAbJs9ZtnZfg
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那一段時間,我淡然地喜歡着阿樂。我的表現如常,只是和他更頻繁地聊天。978Please respect copyright.PENANAVvTr2cDHtp
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慢慢,我越來越依賴他。978Please respect copyright.PENANAUcA1Ustka5
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但是,我卻不想和他在一起,因為我覺得自己應該要和「更好」的人在一起,譬如,那個人可以給我更刺激的戀愛感覺。978Please respect copyright.PENANA5Vedl6SW88
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我感受到,阿樂也喜歡我,而且,和我的喜歡有一些差別,他真的對我很好,很照顧我,未必真的想在我身上索取什麼。978Please respect copyright.PENANAuNmofEwqGm
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我對他的友誼變質了,再沒有當初純粹。我貪戀他的善待,即使我受着良心的譴責——她說我不應和他曖昧。可是,其實我也迷惑的。978Please respect copyright.PENANAJ5xL7XZxjE
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一方面,我喜歡他,也喜歡和他浪費時間;另一方面,我卻覺得將來會遇見更好。只是在這一段時間裏,他是最好的,所以,我也願意奉獻這一顆不夠純粹的真心,和他做朋友。978Please respect copyright.PENANA4VCK0gGBq6
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後來,我戀愛了。果然,戀愛是很幸福的感覺,很濃烈,很快樂,那一條情人路,我也和男友走過。978Please respect copyright.PENANAnmDlS1ZwHi
這一段時間,我也和阿樂保持舊有的關係,他總和我說,我的男友是個MK仔,總和我吵架,不懂得珍惜我。我笑笑,總回答他,可是有你對我好啊。978Please respect copyright.PENANAfazzo1JWsL
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我對阿樂的依賴沒有隨時間消失,在男友的映襯下,我更覺得阿樂對我好。可是,那一種看一眼就鍾意的感覺,不是阿樂可以給我的。978Please respect copyright.PENANA93Ogw3Pyxb
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我和阿樂,可能是不夠來電吧,電流太弱了。978Please respect copyright.PENANAw6WXU5WsiY
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後來,我分手,阿樂和我表白,我拒絕了。978Please respect copyright.PENANAsucxhswcpx
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沒有什麼難過的原因,只是難堪而已。我對他的喜歡,不足以捆着我,因為我知道,我永遠不可能像他喜歡我一樣地喜歡他。978Please respect copyright.PENANAFDM2fv96dZ
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講到尾,其實就是我不夠喜歡他。978Please respect copyright.PENANAu6gIb9LWug
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我們恢復聯絡,一切如舊。978Please respect copyright.PENANA8XBj1qIeQI
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我見有女孩子在他家住,第一下感覺挺不舒服的,但第二下、第三下,又覺得與我何干?我有些嫉妒別人也可得到他的款待,但這一個「唯一」我卻不太想要。978Please respect copyright.PENANAdKotipOh1A
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大概是因為,我有心理負擔吧。978Please respect copyright.PENANAPB75RtzpVX
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雖然你未必相信,但我是真心與阿樂做朋友的。這一種矛盾的友達以上也令我很混亂。他對我的喜歡其實也很明顯了,尤其是他抱我、愕然地看我時,我知道他受傷了,深深受傷。978Please respect copyright.PENANAIIzTBQCqyo
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他因我的迷糊和貪婪受傷,可是講真,這於我不是超級超級重要——我更因而知道自己並不可能再進一步喜歡他。978Please respect copyright.PENANANipIXXSpwW
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我只得來自友情的心理負擔。978Please respect copyright.PENANAVsTaMueV7u
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我一直都覺得有些虧欠他,可是這一路走來,我都說服自己一切都是你情我願的;然而,確實因為我的存在,而令他有幻想和希望,因而,失望受傷。978Please respect copyright.PENANAtAkHM9ZaAE
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唉,感情好難。978Please respect copyright.PENANAonRL6F7dkX
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但是,就在這段期間,我遇上了阿賢,我喜歡他,真的。978Please respect copyright.PENANA3vOyqdKloJ
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我確實這一種心跳感覺,一如當初與舊男友時的心跳選擇。978Please respect copyright.PENANAJF8moDtyyl
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這不是阿樂可以給我的,總是差了一些,或者差了很多。其實我也分不清。978Please respect copyright.PENANAzZBVGg3UWK
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我和阿賢在一起。978Please respect copyright.PENANAH20al2v6AX
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我不想再與阿樂像以前那樣聯絡了。因為,我感覺到我們都變了,我認清自己對阿樂的感覺,他也不再像以前那樣,接受卑微的後備位置。我們的心態都失衡了,一切都會很奇怪,定位模糊,只得不甘的尷尬。978Please respect copyright.PENANAX5aLkPiznE
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我對他的依賴,也仿佛在這種拉鋸之中消散,突然覺得這一種關係是沒用的,對大家都沒有好處。變成,我更樂意依賴男友,還更有正當性呢。978Please respect copyright.PENANAavUEnSKdUp
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阿樂看似接受了一切,可是我知道,他沒有,至少沒能那麼快。可是,都沒有辦法了。978Please respect copyright.PENANAQhAWl6pYOg
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變質的友情,在真心和不夠純粹之間,都很難有平衡點。如果我真的喜歡他就好了,但我真的無能為力,其實我也痛苦,但也許沒資格說吧,所以,唯有希望他快樂,希望我們都能快樂。978Please respect copyright.PENANASaEoxHzp4O
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阿樂應該找一個很喜歡他的人,然後相愛。978Please respect copyright.PENANA1OGGjZMyEK
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只是,這個人,無法是我。我不夠鍾意他,對不起。