Summer is often very difficult for me.
I often find it very difficult to articulate my discomfort in the summertime. Of course, part of me loves the season, the way I used to when I was a school kid. I love the flowers, the smells, the food, and especially the sunshine. However, summer also presents its unique challenges for me.
In the heat, I feel my thighs clapping together as I run to catch the train to work. I look around often and compare my body to the bodies of women around me, picking apart my characteristics that stand out.
It is not uncommon for people with existing anxiety and self-esteem issues (like myself) to feel a dip into low moods in the summertime, particularly when we are flooded with images and advertisements for how to keep ourselves “beach body ready.”
On a beautiful weekend day, I’ll go to the beach and see a group of men throwing a football beside me. I’ll glance down to the rolls of my stomach bunched up as I sit on my towel. I feel the need to cross my arms over myself and hide away.
I wish I had the words to describe that type of discomfort. It’s more than discomfort, it’s a wish to disappear, or mold myself, like clay, into the type of statuesque woman I am in my dreams.429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPLGsy4B5GE
I'm constantly comparing my body to those around me. going to the beach is especially hard; I always find myself counting the rolls on my skin. I know its bad, but I always find myself comparing myself to other girls at the beach. I always imagine that they're able to walk around so easily, confident in their skin. I always find myself going back to tracing the lightning bolts etched into my skin where I grew to fast for my skin.429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR9NUthcN64
But that was last summer, and right now there is too much bullshit happening to be concerned about that. I'm tired of operating under a system of patriarchal beauty standards. I don't want to think of myself as ugly, and I don't want to think of other women who are smoother and skinnier than me as prettier. I want to view everyone as they are, with or without marks, and just enjoy my damn day at the beach.
I want everyone to work on themselves; everyone is beautiful; enjoy your summer, and work your shit at the beach.429Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPHuBejFI30
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