“It’s not your fault. It’s my own problem.”
That phrase alone sent my mind to a dead end.
.
In the winter of my sophomore year, I encountered my first heartbreak. My first lost in love. An intensity perhaps stronger than gigantic blocks of ice glaciers helplessly melting and collapsing in the north pole, one after another, continuously flooding and destroying the habitats of the polar creatures day after day, crashing the arctic ecosystem into bits and pieces. Nothing useful can be done by myself to stop it. All I can do is to accept the irreversible fact and forget it naturally. After all, forgetting is human nature. Painful memories fade away with some adequate passage of time.
Although twelve years have gone by, I can still recall the details of the breakup scenery. Ji-Hyun was at the memorial glade with me, staring at the night sky and finishing up her last cigarette from her metal pocket case. She was smoking carefully, trying not to let the smoke come over to my side, but I can still smell a faint scent of diesel mixed with her perfume. I liked watching her when she smokes.
I remembered she cut her hair short and dyed it to a brownish red on that day. We talked about opposite attraction. Topics like why a non-smoker will fall in love with a smoke addict, whether two drastically different worlds can merge to one, and why a diligent student would like a girl with so many bad habits - In other words, why I loved her. However, I sensed that her dark brown pupils seemed a bit reluctant to look straight into my eyes when she talked to me.
Not sure if it was the effect of the cigarette, she was calmer than usual when she initiated the breakup. From her soft and cold voice, I learned that the most devastating phrase to hear during a break up is “It’s not your fault. It’s my own problem.” Other words didn’t quite matter. That phrase alone sent my mind to a dead end and resonated in my head for almost an entire month.
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After the breakup, we lost contact. Ji-Hyun disappeared. Like a puff of smoke. I tried to keep myself occupied in order to not think about her. I wrote lyrics, I read books, and started to drink black coffee. Black coffee became my prescription. To be honest, I spent most of the time seeking for resolutions and answers. I couldn't relax. Even if I could, my world is filled up by her. Everything is about her. Even in my dreams.
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I wonder.
Why did she break up with me? What went wrong? If I didn’t do anything wrong, why is she leaving? How about our happy memories? If it’s not my problem, then what is it? Did she already say it? Did I listen? Can she give me one more chance?
I imagine.
Tomorrow I may bump into her on the street. We might cross paths in the same convenient store and pick up the same brand of cigarettes. She smokes Marlboro Lights. We might take the same 9 am train to work. Our eyes might meet. But she will be a completely different person, never again the person I am allowed to love. Her smile will be different. Her eyes, how they look at me, will never be the same. She no longer holds my arm and accompany me to walk by the seashore at dawn after working hours. I can no longer stand by her side, silently watch her exhale a puff of second hand smoke and observe her heavy yet charming make-up. I can no longer touch her smooth and dark hair, keep her cold and tiny hands warm, and feel her breath.
Not anymore.
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Of course I would still recognize her on the street. Even if she change her make-up or dye her hair a different color. She is still the lovely and attractive Ji-Hyun. But something in her interior will be forever transformed. Something will be wiped out from her. More precisely, that something will be hidden so deeply within her which she thinks she has already forgotten. How can she abandon the piece of something in herself just like that? How do I know this? What am I even saying?
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I had a peculiar dream last night.
It was a cold winter morning and I woke up early. I was at the balcony of my house staring at a pale blue sky. Clouds with a tint of gray scattered over the horizon. The bone-chilling north wind was secretly blowing in the background. Under the twilight, I lit a cigarette and held it between my fingers. I had no intention to consume it. I am not a smoker and I know I’d never become one. Smoking causes bad skin, mouth ulcer, lung cancer, and more. We all know that. But people still love it because of the short-term escape from time. I watched the cigarette burn slowly, helplessly, like a block of melting ice glacier, and shook off the accumulated ashes into bits and pieces. I stared at the sky and wonder, “Where will the north wind carry these ashes to?”
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Hey Ji-Hyun, “I am fine now. Do you think we are looking at the same blue sky at this moment? I know I can’t say this to you anymore, but I wish your cigarette didn’t burn out that day, so I wouldn’t have to listen to your irreversible words. I actually knew why.”
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The last thing I saw was a thick puff of smoke blowing out from a mouth. I watched the smoke gradually increase its mass until it completely blocked the view in front of me.
Then I woke up.1086Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBY4zLUiLaG
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A/N: I decided to keep this story short, otherwise I can elaborate the parts on and on! I don’t understand Korean so I just write the story based on the selected melody by Loveholic. I like the band like Pop-Rock composition!
This writing will also be part of my love short story collection ‘Toy Model Car Named Stacy’ with some slight modifications later if time allows! Thank you Zhao Zilin for the invite! I had fun writing it!
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