Yes and no.
No — My race is not a part of my sense of identity because the fact that I am black is not a factor I consider as a part of who I am. So, my race has little effect on what I call my self-identity.
Yes — Increasingly, I reflect on how the color of my skin affects how others see me, my perceived identity.
I spend most of my time alone. My race doesn’t directly affect me while I sit in my room. I don’t wake up thinking about how I am black. I don’t think about my skin color while I’m eating (unless I’m also reading/watching something about race). Of course, as a result of being black, I have had experiences which have shaped who I am and my opinions.
As a 20-year-old black man, I am someone who is able to say that I am unable to recall a single time I’ve observed racism. I have observed biases and prejudice, but I wouldn’t describe anything I’ve experienced as racism.
I’ve never heard anyone call me or anyone else a racial slur. I’ve never experienced violence or a threat of violence, based on skin color or otherwise. I’ve never observed racial discrimination. Part of this is likely because of the place I live, and part of it is probably because of how relatively little I go out in public or interact with other people.
Despite that, throughout my life I have always been an “other.” Before and sometimes while attending college there are countless times where I have been the darkest person in the classroom, or in any other public place. This is not something which itself has ever made me feel uncomfortable, or something that’s anything more than a passing observation.
Though, at times the people around me have done things which brings it to my attention and made me feel like I was on display. I have distinct memories of being glanced at when a teacher or another student mentioned race.
For example, in one of my high school Spanish courses, there was a time when the teacher put images on the Smartboard and we were supposed to describe the subjects of those images. One of the images was of dark-skinned children, and a student described them as “negros” instead of “morenos.” I observed multiple other students glance at me, the only black person in the room, as if waiting for me perform a dramatic reaction.
I was told numerous times that I “don’t act black” or that I’m an Oreo. There were also a large number of stereotypes which were half-jokingly applied to me due to the color of my skin.
There were many times which my peers (regardless of skin color) touched my hair (or lack of hair) because they wanted to “feel black people hair” or something to that effect.
I’m sure that there are many occurrences which I’ve forgotten or didn’t even think to attribute to my skin color. The point is, these experiences have made me extremely sympathetic to stories about racism or “othering”, even if I have never observed an overt case of racism in my life.
This feeling of being an outsider has only increased as I’ve gotten older, though I would largely attribute it to factors such as my personality rather than my skin color. I find that I have trouble being able to think of anything to say or being able to connect to other people, especially my peers. This has led to me having no social life.
Even though I largely attribute my social isolation to my actions and personality, I find that, especially recently, my reflection about how others perceive me because of my skin color has exacerbated the effect, perhaps making me want to isolate myself further.
While interacting with someone, I rarely think of race. I rarely even discuss race. However, when I observe people while I’m not interacting with them, I think about how they may see me.
When I see women, whether I find them attractive or not, I wonder if they would exclude me from their romantic or sexual interests based solely on the color of my skin.
Alternatively, I also wonder if they would include me solely because of my skin color.
Neither of those is appealing. I view sexual racial fetishizing and exclusionary racial preferences negatively. I would not want to be involved with a self-proclaimed “Queen of Spades” or someone who fetishizes race. I would not want to be involved with someone who excludes white, Asian, Latin or anyone else because of their race. I would also not want to be in a relationship with someone who excludes black people except for me because I’m “different”.
Admittedly, I used to be guilty of exclusionary preferences. In middle school I convinced myself that I couldn’t be attracted to Asian and Indian girls because they were too smart for me or some other stupid excuse. Then in high school I met multiple very attractive, kind and intelligent young women who happened to be Asian or Indian and I was forced to confront my prejudice.
There are also aspects outside of my non-existent dating life in which I wonder about individuals’ feelings toward me based on my skin color. I wonder things like how many people view me as non-American or less American because I am not white, for example.
My increase in awareness about the effect my race has on others’ perception of me has likely led to increased apprehension and anxiety in approaching people I don’t know or even ones I do know, especially those whom I perceive to be of a different race.
As I mentioned earlier, I rarely think about race at all while talking with others, so I think this has had a negligible effect on how I interact with others after the initiation of conversation.
The relative acceptance in the place I live and my social isolation has likely shielded me from ever really having to confront situations many other black Americans face due to their skin color. I don’t consider my skin color to be important to who I am as a person, but increasingly I have considered what effect my race has on how others perceive me.
Footnotes:
[1] Donald J. Trump on Twitter
Originally published at http://quora.com.
ns 172.69.59.209da2
and then Add to home screen.