The rain tapped lightly on my window pane, reminding me that the next day could either turn out the same or change would take over everything.394Please respect copyright.PENANA0dYI7mAWa7
I stared at myself in the mirror with my door slightly open, listening attentively as the last supposed people that was entering the house -and once again making quiet inquiries after my whereabouts. I wondered if Graeme would be there amongst them, I wished he would.394Please respect copyright.PENANA1YsZ9dc4t8
A knock on my bedroom door earned my immediate attention.394Please respect copyright.PENANA3wY5n8G5Td
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"Hey..." Jae said awkwardly, "may I come inside?"394Please respect copyright.PENANA4KiKg3Vh9V
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I nodded no -never having had a boy, including my own brother, in my room before. Jae was respectful and kept his stance in front of my door and only pushed it open further. He stared at me for more than a minute and I didn't mind -it wasn't awkward or creepy, just that terrifying comfort and homely feel that assisted Jae's presence every time.394Please respect copyright.PENANAvGGgMEK0gA
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"Your room's pretty, it suites you."394Please respect copyright.PENANA36qVFI5Jjy
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I looked around, examining, exploring; as if seeing it for the first time. I contemplated over all the bedrooms before Bloomfield and how, just like my present, all my previous rooms had known the true Kaye Burchard. Once I shut the door, I could unwind into the person I can't be around everyone else. Where tears could easily flow, where I could get lost in writing an article so personal, one becomes relieved. I liked my grey and purple space -it was my world, one no could just freely walk in and out of.394Please respect copyright.PENANAfx6UoKpQeP
"Thank you. You wanted to ask me something?" I reminded him.394Please respect copyright.PENANAMLTdOP7NEK
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"Oh, yes...about the other day. I don't want you feeling weird around me and I think we should stop giving people the wrong impression."394Please respect copyright.PENANABVzkdy5fDA
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I must admit, I did feel somewhat disappointed, minding that Jae was trying to clear the air between the two of us. I didn't want to loose the feeling he brought or whatever it was that we had going on -although it made me want to run far away from him. In some way I did feel something for Jae Starling, knowing he was exactly the type of guy I needed.394Please respect copyright.PENANA6htqx1ja3J
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Upon contemplating it over, I knew I couldn't string Jae along knowing that we had developed some kind of connection that I wouldn't care to pursue as I was too invested in the forbidden Graeme Yorkley. I really liked Graeme and I truly believed that if not for him, Jae and I wouldn't have had any connection at all.394Please respect copyright.PENANABCX9ATDnI8
I know Graeme hadn't given me the time of day but somehow, I could only imagine myself loosing all my trust to only him. It wasn't that I didn't trust Jae enough, I suppose the level of intense attraction was lesser and he was my brother's bestfriend, which basically made him part of the family.394Please respect copyright.PENANAlbrPckuC0i
"How are you doing?" I said, remembering the hollow feel of the Starling mansion.394Please respect copyright.PENANA3w6xBsu0e9
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"My mom's back home, so...we're getting there."394Please respect copyright.PENANAoLxQt1PqK5
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How do you respond to that? "I'm happy." 394Please respect copyright.PENANAlslxKT3NSZ
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Jae's facial expression changed and I could clearly see him clench his jaw. "Are you?" Those words hitting me so unexpectedly.394Please respect copyright.PENANA1PhqBdbM9j
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I knew what he was referring to but I was still trying to figure things out between Graeme and I, so I couldn't possibly truly know.394Please respect copyright.PENANA6NCLXfV87P
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"He's not like that, you know."394Please respect copyright.PENANALWqPsSqFNq
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"I know him." Jae said. "As long as you're happy, it's our secret." He gulped.394Please respect copyright.PENANAz7vZqLajOJ
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"I'm sorry for letting people think...we're something."394Please respect copyright.PENANAuSHnJJf2IQ
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"It's okay. I did too." Jae looked disappointed and upon hearing footsteps emerge from the stairs, said, "There's people waiting for me. I should probably go."394Please respect copyright.PENANAaWwV0K6KBf
Heather Rory, the party girl. I thought immediately -jealous?394Please respect copyright.PENANAAvYCFtedSK
I could hear indistinct talking and than the music blasted, filling the awkwardness between Jae and I before he turned and bumped into Shikana. 394Please respect copyright.PENANAO0p10ILDgd
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Their apologies echoed at the same time, than their laughter cheered above the music.394Please respect copyright.PENANAKacGNQo4ix
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"I'm so sorry." They said in harmony and laughed again.394Please respect copyright.PENANApAGoPSiAtd
I could feel my stomach turn, not the same that Graeme motivated but slightly different. I couldn't understand why I was jealous at the sight of my old friend and Jae's first acquaintance but I wished it would go away.394Please respect copyright.PENANAhqYXxC3wJT
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I felt so slutty -I wanted Graeme but needed Jae and being jealous that Shikana showed interest in him, made me feel even more so. 394Please respect copyright.PENANAb90V76CxSq
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"Shikana Knightly." She smiled -one that could make any guy fall in love.394Please respect copyright.PENANAqcyO9Zukdh
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"Jae Starling." He smiled back sightly and offered his hand, which she graciously accepted.394Please respect copyright.PENANAIygiVl2XSl
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Jae looked over at me so I forced a smile. He saw me, oh god, I thought and said. "You made it!" perhaps two tones too high.394Please respect copyright.PENANAUDuzLIJHNP
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"Yes. Wiley's requesting our presence downstairs, he probably thinks it's still Grass Hill when we were stupid cheerleaders." She laughed.394Please respect copyright.PENANAjEK3dUuczg
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I did too at the memory of us splurging our parents' money on socials to uphold the status my brother had wished for us.394Please respect copyright.PENANAifba4fdu73
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"Kaye Burchard a cheerleader?" Only than did we realize Jae was still there. 394Please respect copyright.PENANAvED1iFIYsE
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"Scores made her captain all before she quit." Shikana said and I truly blushed. Upon turning to face me, she realized that her talking habit still needed so much more improvement.394Please respect copyright.PENANATMkh7N7Uvp
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"Wiley made me do it." I shrugged. "I did it for him."394Please respect copyright.PENANAjjgErI5c1i
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"I don't believe you." He argued, "I think you wanted to do it. No one makes the Kaye Burchard I know, do anything she doesn't already want to do."394Please respect copyright.PENANAzO0VRohEI0
The Kaye Burchard I know. Those words prevailing perhaps longer than it should have -and although I know Jae didn't mean to insult me, I couldn't help feeling like perhaps I didn't know myself -just like Alexa Drew. It was true, there were so many faces to Kaye Burchard that it made me question the article I had send to Ms Donahue. Would people know the real Kaye in the twelve year old that watched her friends tragic death? Would they see me or just the girl who knew of sexual abuse and said nothing about it? Would they hold me accountable for Oakley's death? Paranoia preceded to take over.394Please respect copyright.PENANA9P8yZNIiDU
"Are you feeling allright?" Jae asked and moved closer to me but I managed to remind him to not step into my room.394Please respect copyright.PENANAExSYv3vY5U
I could clearly feel my lungs tighten and my knees weaken. A pain erupted from my head and breathing became impossible. When I heard Shikana's fading "Kaye are you okay?" In that moment the same loss of consciousness seized to take over -as the time she had found me on my bedroom floor at Grass Hill, Barrymore Lane, twelve. 394Please respect copyright.PENANAzxmnkdXOEX
I knew I wouldn't die but it still made me think about it. Would it be so bad to wither, forever? Would it not be better than having to figure out how to piece one's life back together? When will I truly be free?394Please respect copyright.PENANAzH1NhFSk9k
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Than, his voice through my frantic state. "Breath...it's gone. It's not real, just a bad painting. Breath, come back to me." 394Please respect copyright.PENANAr2mY3FVkfA
Jae touched my hand, asking me to step outside of the room. I could only manage one step at a time and when he saw me crumbling, he overstepped the one rule everyone else in my life had managed to abide by.394Please respect copyright.PENANAuRKx4E9JNQ
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"Breath," Jae said again and I only focused on his voice, his eyes -only him, "in...and out."394Please respect copyright.PENANA6xK6jEgGR4
I could feel the pressure lifting from my chest after a few breaths. I didn't mind everyone Shikana had gathered to my room, standing outside with Wiley in front, blocking everyone.394Please respect copyright.PENANAg8hdtIyk8Z
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"Jae, you're in here." I said through my dizzy state.394Please respect copyright.PENANAdIOItpDH6v
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The thing, I would never forget Jae Starling say, "That's where I've been all along -nowhere but here."394Please respect copyright.PENANAAq0mJaB90C
Jae Starling kissed my forehead and I was worried that Heather had seen it, so I gazed over at the door -to where everyone had witnessed. Amongst those faces I spotted Graeme Yorkley, pale -exhausted -witnessing the entire thing.394Please respect copyright.PENANAcyJ1oaHdlV
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I looked back at Jae Starling, he was always there, it was true and especially at times when I needed him most.394Please respect copyright.PENANAGRw0UoMehF
I was grateful for him yet the last thing on my mind the sorrow in Graeme's eyes. I was absolutely head over heels for Graeme Yorkley and some part of me wished that I could feel so about Jae Starling instead.394Please respect copyright.PENANAvClMeTdbbu
My feet were cold, sticking from underneath the light pink blanket Shikana had managed to keep, as I had gifted it to her for her fifteenth birthday. 394Please respect copyright.PENANABXaIEqjpPk
As I pulled it over my face, the familiar scent of the Knightly family brought too much to process. The blanket instinctively flew from me, causing me to shot up in the process. 394Please respect copyright.PENANAdlCbqB5q69
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"Hey." My brother's familiar voice cut through the silence. "How are you feeling?"394Please respect copyright.PENANAhGy361wvXN
Bloomfield Private Hospital became something I oddly been acquainted with -and as often as a week apart. I could barely contemplate over the event that lead there as my mind was stuck at the very first time I'd visit a hospital...394Please respect copyright.PENANASlnr1dMgFI
A knock brought me back to where I was and Alexa Drew poked her head inside.394Please respect copyright.PENANAlmmzFYXTmH
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"Who let you through!?" Wiley said angrily and swiftly stood from his seat, hastening to the door.394Please respect copyright.PENANAaXnH7eoVPK
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Alexa wasn't ready for his outburst, I could tell. She stood astound, not particularly sure whether to stay or go back out. 394Please respect copyright.PENANAFFWY5MuilE
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I could see her eyes reddened, so I said, "It's okay, Wiley. She can come in."394Please respect copyright.PENANAHKBfvEF5PI
I didn't know whether Wiley was disappointed or angry at my note. As soon as Alexa entered he wasted no time and left.394Please respect copyright.PENANApwBjT4a9lH
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"He'll come around..." I said awkwardly as she closed the door behind her.394Please respect copyright.PENANAxwEmKipKD8
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"I'm not sure about that. I don't think he knows that it wasn't me who told everyone. I'm sorry for all of it, I really am."394Please respect copyright.PENANA30H9RrueKY
I had never been in a situation as the one that occurred with Alexa. Somehow, she just couldn't stay away from me, perhaps because- 394Please respect copyright.PENANAMKYPrvl2Bu
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"-I could live with Wiley mad at me but I can't say I'd get over loosing a true friend."394Please respect copyright.PENANAxYMchtDgMF
I suppose it was something everyone at Bloomfield longed for but the reality of highschool culture wouldn't allow it, especially, when the mastermind behind everyone's bad blood wore an innocent reputation. I considered giving Alexa the benefit of the doubt but second chances were overrated, just as she had decided about friends. 394Please respect copyright.PENANAj4gGU2NLGd
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"Look, Alexa I'm clearly not the friend you want. So until you can differ between good and -bad friends, only than can we work on getting that level of trust we had back. As for now, I really can't see being friends when you're still hanging around Kath. I don't trust her which means I won't be able to trust you again. Loyalty is everything."394Please respect copyright.PENANAXj0E68bdLS
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"Kath and I have been bestfriends since freshmen year. I can't just ditch her."394Please respect copyright.PENANAaiygVBxPEP
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"Does she know about your mom? Did you tell her that before you moved here you had a little brother?"394Please respect copyright.PENANAllIGsVTIwm
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I could see Alexa gulp and I needed no verbal answer. It was all written on her face.394Please respect copyright.PENANAIqQ49wQSdZ
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"I'll see you around." I told her.394Please respect copyright.PENANAAHcCaBm55U
Alexa Drew took the hint as tears welled up in her eyes. There was nothing left to say, nothing else to do. I was ready to officially close the chapter between the two of us and call it done. Alexa was a glimpse in the past and I was sure for Wiley too.394Please respect copyright.PENANAxbL7Tjt44l
I laid back, heaving a sigh when the door flew open again.394Please respect copyright.PENANAN9Tn7wMB8j
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A nurse entered, taking my file from the information board next to the door. "I'm Dr Shire, good evening...uh...Kaye." She read and gave a gracious smile. "Call me Miss Laney...that's at least what everyone around here calls me." Chuckled she.394Please respect copyright.PENANAb6QqWjOW5d
I can still remember the kind face of Ms Laney on that day. Her slick black hair was tied into a neat hair bun in the back of her neck and her brown eyes shimmered in the light, beaming through the window. I smiled at the sight, it wasn't often one would find a kind doctor, especially on the night shift. She invited herself inside and made herself comfortable where Wiley had left an empty space.394Please respect copyright.PENANAcIzSVyMBCF
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"Dr Zimmerman's in surgery at the moment but he asked me to take over when you're awake if he's not out yet. Is that okay with you?"394Please respect copyright.PENANAcr1WFSZSrj
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"Yes," I said at the thought of having a female doctor for a change, "I prefer having a female instead, no offense to Dr Zimmerman he's kind and all but..."394Please respect copyright.PENANAcxCb0k25rd
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"-but you're a teenage girl and uncomfortable with having a man as a doctor. There's nothing erroneous about it and you don't have to explain."394Please respect copyright.PENANA4BaGmWwCno
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"Thank you." I smiled. 394Please respect copyright.PENANAM09IWHjmQo
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"So Kaye, reports claim you've had a panic attack but you're in the clear. You can go home tomorrow morning, Dr Zimmerman wants to keep you overnight for observation."394Please respect copyright.PENANAGrXko5NZ9v
There was no way I wanted to spend a night in the hospital. I thought of every possible reason there was to get out of it and ended up saying:394Please respect copyright.PENANAnzFMl4TGj9
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"I really don't want to miss school." 394Please respect copyright.PENANA0vgDGMrYSU
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Than it hit me, the very next day everyone would be reading the Bloomfield Post even though no one had showed interest before. I knew Blaire Ivanhoe would see to it that Kath and her friends would read it and surely they wold spread it around. I can't say good but free publicity for Ms Donahue.394Please respect copyright.PENANA7i4tKdineG
"Do I have to stay in bed the whole time? I will go crazy if I do."394Please respect copyright.PENANAEDqLytoO23
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"Well..." Miss Donahue started and the door swung open.394Please respect copyright.PENANAo0JovLMnG4
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"Dr Shire, they're requesting your immediate attention at ICU." A nurse announced.394Please respect copyright.PENANA2O5sXmTdsK
Ms Laney gave a slight smile, patted my hand and rushed after the nurse. The room fell silent again and it still feels weird thinking back on it -how I had that dire feeling linger in my stomach -one that I hoped to have left behind in Grass Hill. Was it even possible? I asked myself.394Please respect copyright.PENANAqC5hmYNLSF
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Then, I concluded it was all the little overwhelming aspects that surfaced so quickly, when I was barely settled in Bloomfield. The emptiness inside the room gave me enough space to think about it -truly think about where I came from...had been, where I was and where I wanted to be. I know, it might sound so parenting but it really put things into focus, not focusing on a future pass senior year but on one as soon as the end of junior year where I wanted to know myself. Where I could introduce myself and know with all certainty that it's truly me -not a victim of sexual abuse and rape -plain and simple me.394Please respect copyright.PENANAZzsamJFMPw
A faint knock on the door made me sigh -probably my parents. To my surprise Jae walked in instead -I was grateful.394Please respect copyright.PENANAtPQZUiDKOq
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"You sure know how to kill it." He said, earning laughter from me at the poor attempt of a joke.394Please respect copyright.PENANAPS22bRaDRX
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"I brought you something," He beamed, "don't take it weird, I never said we should stop being friends. We are friends, right?"394Please respect copyright.PENANAbMjlsuXzTH
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I chuckled.394Please respect copyright.PENANA9Vj0OVUXH5
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"It'd be really awkward if you say no...you know having to see each other everyday at home...and I'll have to take this back." He revealed a small white sail -perfect.394Please respect copyright.PENANAQ3UknLlGcQ
Although I was supposed to focus on the actual gift, I could only think of "at home" and how causally he'd spoken those words without contemplating them over or correcting himself after. 394Please respect copyright.PENANABD8L8LIuZa
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"This was my first sail ever...my old man gave it to me for my fourth birthday." Jae made himself at home on by bed, placing the sail on the bedside table.394Please respect copyright.PENANAbNUQ7Y73v9
"He had a cabin in Lake View...the next town over -every summer we would go there. We would take the boats out... A different one everyday because I didn't want the other's getting jealous." He chuckled and I did too.394Please respect copyright.PENANAr1tqSg9x5l
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"The last summer he took me, I was about ten years old. That summer he decided to go on a fishing trip, rope me in on the things a man should do. It was great, it was the first time I got to do all the manly stuff he did with my grandad. I couldn't wait to be eleven because he promised to take me out for the hunting season, teach me how to be a true predator -like nature intended. 394Please respect copyright.PENANA78yuCXIC7J
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I was so excited but when we're about to leave, mom comes running out, straight to dad. She kept screaming 'you bastard, you bastard how could you?'394Please respect copyright.PENANARJIR2eU404
I remember sitting in the front seat and my mom hitting against my dad's chest. She hit and screamed and at some point, he pushed her and she fell. She was wearing a floral dress, it slid up and on her inner thighs were long stitched cuts. 394Please respect copyright.PENANAuMiU1ByTVw
I didn't understand what was going on, why mom was screaming, why dad would push her or why she had those cuts. I just remember the police car pull up with mom still on the ground. My dad ducks in the car, he looks me in my eyes and say, 'Mom's just confused, buddy. Me and you will be out of here in a minute. Practice the skill I taught you, arms up, shoulders tight yet relaxed. That muscles...keep them hard.'394Please respect copyright.PENANAEXPyjGtWz7
I sat that way, pretending to hold a gun, doing exactly what my dad asked. He climbs out of the car and takes the sail, mom stands up, he holds it out to her than my ears go numb. I was so scared, I saw my dad on the floor in his own blood. My mom wasn't even sad neither did she try to help him. I got so angry at her that I climbed out, ran round the back than another shot is fired. That made her scream, the bullet hit me right here, in my shoulder. When I lost consciousness, I was on a sail, the uncertain waters wailing underneath me and I was completely alone. Mom wasn't in her usual spot, wide brim hats, pretty sundresses and home made beverages nor was dad or grandad sailing the boat. I was alone, on the ocean and a raging storm and when I took my binoculars to analyze my surroundings, I saw someone or something in the water -struggling."394Please respect copyright.PENANApP0bZuQ4Qq
"And what did you do?" I asked inquisitively through a hoarse voice, clearing my throat.394Please respect copyright.PENANA7ZfL9F01uO
"I remembered everything he taught me and I sailed that boat because I had no choice and I knew how to do it. I never understood why I had seen a sail and what it was in the water until I was old enough to realize that it was a glimpse into my future. That from that day on, I would be alone, in charge of my own sailboat trying to stay afloat through whatever weather."394Please respect copyright.PENANA0bm5iaGtvO
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"Did you make it out safe?" I could feel tears surfacing but I kept them suppressed.394Please respect copyright.PENANAREqRVDVWCE
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"I never reached land." Jae looked out of the window.394Please respect copyright.PENANAKlEmk0atyw
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"If the water's so dangerous -why give me a sailboat?"394Please respect copyright.PENANA6MO0YA4KEJ
"I've never dreamt of sailboats again, let alone had the exact same dream twice -until that night of Heather Rory's party. I finally reached that thing -a raft floating on the water. Than, a hand surfaced, grabbing onto the raft and the face was yours."394Please respect copyright.PENANAjLjUTWOj6t
I gasped, truly taken aback by Jae's confessions. Was this a sign -that I'm moving pass drowning -that's it's time to truly give in and let go. Jae showed me how -first I had to get out, dry myself off and get into the boat.394Please respect copyright.PENANAOmFV3GRQmb
"Where did we go from there?" I asked.394Please respect copyright.PENANAK4gMRLyPky
"That's the magical thing about dreams...it never shows everything." Jae Starling leaned in, pushed the hair out of my face as he gently caressed my cheek. For a brief second with our lips inches apart, I could imagine a life so easy...so...right.394Please respect copyright.PENANAilkORoSjWc
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"Jae." I hissed, almost a whisper, "you know I'm seeing Graeme."394Please respect copyright.PENANAvP5CiqdKFA
Although the knot in my stomach hadn't faded; although I wanted to kiss Jae Starling so badly; so close as just an inch apart -I couldn't. Jae rested his head on mine and our eyes closed. Seeing that I couldn't escape the moment, I allowed myself to let it be. I was so confused because even though Graeme was in my head, Jae Starling was making his way slowly into my heart. 394Please respect copyright.PENANA2hNhBKpFqF
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