Mai uses her plié to come into relevé, her toes in grande pointe. She feels the sheen of sweat on her neck, even as she holds it high, trying to embody the grace of a swan.675Please respect copyright.PENANAhYpgRpsoES
675Please respect copyright.PENANArvqvxmMqiF
Her execution is perfect, her expression is perfect. She shows no outward signs of her toes screaming in pain, even as she feels the telltale wet warmth in her shoes.675Please respect copyright.PENANAviZsCusbmj
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Her face remains serene.675Please respect copyright.PENANAYeh0XaK2qQ
675Please respect copyright.PENANANWYnzVIMFN
A memory comes to her mind—Megumi-chan as a baby curled in Dad’s arms. She was born too early. She was sick. Her heart wasn’t strong enough. She wasn’t expected to live past a couple of years, even with all the 23rd century medical technology.675Please respect copyright.PENANADtneTZyicD
675Please respect copyright.PENANAtmNPV5l80O
Mai feels her expression falter and quickly snaps it back into place, coming into the present and leaving behind a past she can’t change. When she dances, she has utter control over every part of her body. It’s the only time her life feels like it’s truly her own.675Please respect copyright.PENANA2KSFDyb4ch
675Please respect copyright.PENANAuo5XrzVzWI
The audience is packed. Flashes burst from the auditorium before her life dramatically dying stars. Fourteen years and five auditions. All the sacrifices she’s made, and all the hours she’s put in. Mai didn’t go to prom or Homecoming or any other normal high school event. And it was all in preparation for today.675Please respect copyright.PENANAPHIA72IALp
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This should have been her beginning.675Please respect copyright.PENANAnVAnzonVl3
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675Please respect copyright.PENANASB7MnOfEmb
Megumi realizes she’s wrinkling the program between her fingers and quickly tries to smooth it out, running her finger along Mai’s name.675Please respect copyright.PENANAOt7ohrNl9B
675Please respect copyright.PENANAH4NSvrfTFP
She tries not to fidget, even though her mind wandered off at least an hour ago. She’s in Hawaii, hiking up the side of a volcano, the blackened lava rocks warm beneath her sneakers. The air is choked with steam and the odor of sulfur.675Please respect copyright.PENANAWj5GyneeQ0
675Please respect copyright.PENANAzPkMNfcPbu
From there, she makes her way down a white beach sand. The soft, wed sand sinks under her feet. Warm and gentle waves lap across her skin, leaving behind patterns of salt and sand. She can feel the warmth of the sea breeze that makes the palm trees dance, and she can taste the tang of the air.675Please respect copyright.PENANA78YVQWWrBu
675Please respect copyright.PENANAE8z01UchLX
Her guidebooks are at home, filled with annotations of everything she can’t leave Hawaii without seeing. Megumi wishes she brought one of them along, but immediately feels guilty. She should be watching Mai right now. Mai’s dream is ending because of Megumi.675Please respect copyright.PENANAKkPjH6KCve
675Please respect copyright.PENANAUQ1qVQKwMO
A sharp ache in her chest makes her flinch. She rubs at it surreptitiously at her chest. When she’s certain her parents are focused completely on Mai, she pulls a pill out of her pocket—hiding it in her palm—and slides it into her mouth.675Please respect copyright.PENANAAOw65s6HEp
675Please respect copyright.PENANAVACfQRT6Hf
Mom’s gaze snaps to her immediately. She starts leaning in toward Megumi.675Please respect copyright.PENANA2l1UqaRdWF
675Please respect copyright.PENANARCqh3oWJnQ
“I’m fine,” Megumi says, a little too sharply. She softens her voice. “Let’s just watch Mai, okay?”675Please respect copyright.PENANA9RxTrtEejq
675Please respect copyright.PENANA4OyrLa8qCy
Her mom takes her hand but turns forward to watch the performance again.675Please respect copyright.PENANAy62T6582Rh
675Please respect copyright.PENANAn6XoL0zkGN
Megumi watches too, keeping her eyes on her sister rather than on the other dancers. Although Megumi can’t even do the same hike twice, Mai is the type who can do the same step one thousand times over until she knows it perfectly, even if that means breaking her toes in the process.675Please respect copyright.PENANAR9QTWQ7KEm
675Please respect copyright.PENANAFYz7mmJE6t
Megumi knows the heart is just an organ, and she knows living heart donations are common in this century, but Megumi can’t help but wonder. She wonders if the piece of heart she’s being gifted will change her in any way or if she’ll still be one hundred percent Megumi.675Please respect copyright.PENANAU3U5QXswVT
675Please respect copyright.PENANARhUepJ4ftv
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After the performance, Mai sits on a bench in the dressing room, staring at the ballet slippers encasing her feet. She can’t bring herself to take them off just yet. She wants to wait at least until the other dancers are gone.675Please respect copyright.PENANA7KvanOtRsP
675Please respect copyright.PENANARL2dE0j0eC
Once the last of the voices fades away, she begins to unlace her slippers slowly and ceremoniously, letting them fall off her feet—her feet that are so calloused and bruised and broken that it’s a wonder they’re each still in one piece. She cleans the blood off carefully, loving her mangled feet for persevering through the torture she’s subjected them to. They are her pride and her prize, proof of the work she’s done.675Please respect copyright.PENANATVpd45RyV0
675Please respect copyright.PENANAOlokKS46sX
Her heart aches, the pain so real she wonders for a second if something might be wrong with her heart too. But, no. Her heart just knows it’s about to be broken—split in half and taken from her.675Please respect copyright.PENANAKSGCpuPkB7
675Please respect copyright.PENANAA88cHRwdTs
Mai isn’t upset about that. How can she be? Megumi-chan’s life is far more important than anything else.675Please respect copyright.PENANA2eh1IY9jJb
675Please respect copyright.PENANAE901NpjC3h
Still, she selfishly wishes a miracle would happen—Megumi-chan’s heart would magically heal or an even better donor match would drop out of the sky. But Mai knows she’s the best option. Their parents are too old. It can only be a sibling, and Mai and Megumi-chan match almost perfectly.675Please respect copyright.PENANAu6I4m202O1
675Please respect copyright.PENANAAMQPlYOgw2
She wonders what it might have been like to live in a time when living heart donations weren’t possible.675Please respect copyright.PENANAGSQOwHeakm
675Please respect copyright.PENANAYY7W3Ul1I0
“There you are,” Laurel says, sitting on the bench beside her. “That was fantastic, Mai. I could really only see room for improvement in a couple of places.”675Please respect copyright.PENANACTCUuRKtHD
675Please respect copyright.PENANAje4gTcNSwN
Laurel goes on, and Mai lets her, barely hearing her words. Mai wants to say something about Laurel being the best dance coach ever, but thinks Laurel would find it weirdly sentimental. Mai hasn’t told anyone she won’t be able to dance anymore because she can’t let go of the selfish hope that something will save her and release her from this obligation.675Please respect copyright.PENANAwFJg7YvZu2
675Please respect copyright.PENANAalOq9rB4Zl
And then she feels guilty for thinking of Megumi-chan as an obligation.675Please respect copyright.PENANAokG3KKJ7Xs
675Please respect copyright.PENANA7X5shJt9Jc
When Laurel leaves, Mai pulls her knees to her chest until she feels turned inside out.675Please respect copyright.PENANAunf8h9t4om
675Please respect copyright.PENANAi61YbR8gFN
Her life until now has been a dream, and she’s being woken up.675Please respect copyright.PENANASyzPlxBjdC
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“Are you scared?” Megumi asks Mai.675Please respect copyright.PENANAElQz96mx4c
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“No,” Mai says from the other bed. “Are you?”675Please respect copyright.PENANAqDZVp2hbwD
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“Of course not,” Megumi lies.675Please respect copyright.PENANAOL2WMCYoOd
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She hears the steady beat of Mai’s heart monitor. Megumi’s own monitor beeps a little erratically as her weak heat tries to find a steady rhythm. She wonders what Mai is thinking right now—what she must be feeling.675Please respect copyright.PENANAEnMx0CLWvv
675Please respect copyright.PENANA2jL3hrkR6h
“Half a heart isn’t enough to support an athletic lifestyle,” Dr. Aguerra said seriously when he proposed the surgery to the family. “Mai, no one can coerce or pressure you into making this decision. If you agree to do it, you’ll undergo a psych evaluation to make sure this is your choice and your choice alone.”675Please respect copyright.PENANAGYFaVtUsze
675Please respect copyright.PENANABIuDVmgVlI
Megumi was so tired at the time she could barely keep her eyes open. She let them fall shut because she didn’t want to see Mai’s expression as Mai said yes.675Please respect copyright.PENANA52ZM68Kb31
675Please respect copyright.PENANAiMG16N9Ya2
“I’ll do it,” Mai said. “I don’t need to think about it.”675Please respect copyright.PENANAVzArL1fyQL
675Please respect copyright.PENANAbmWgz8vvps
When they were kids, the two of them would go on adventures. It’s something Mai outgrew quickly, but Megumi still hasn’t. They found a treehouse in the woods behind their house once. Seeing it was abandoned, they decided it was theirs. Megumi would go there and wait for Mai to come home from dance practice.675Please respect copyright.PENANAVcDQWlONPZ
675Please respect copyright.PENANAnFbQi0Dkmc
She was there one day, waiting for Mai, when the rotting wood collapsed beneath her, pitching her out of the treehouse. Mai arrived just in time to catch Megumi, breaking her arm in the process. She didn’t complain about it once, even when it meant she couldn’t dance for three weeks.675Please respect copyright.PENANAgfDVytDywT
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Megumi swallows the guilt and the fear that she’s being selfish.675Please respect copyright.PENANA1sSZdEOuOf
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Her weak heart manages to catch up to Mai’s heart—the one they’ll soon be sharing.675Please respect copyright.PENANAcln5SXy3FV
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Mai has a moment of panic before the anesthesia is administered. She doesn’t think she can’t do this. It’s a nightmare, spilling into her lungs and suffocating her. She can’t stop dancing. She doesn’t know how to be a full person if she isn’t a dancer.675Please respect copyright.PENANAy3gl5bk75P
675Please respect copyright.PENANAHH0mSolK4d
But then she looks at the black hair spilling over the side of the bed beside her. Megumi-chan is already under, maybe dream of everything she’ll do when she wakes up with a new heart. After all, half a functioning heart is better than a full non-functioning heart.675Please respect copyright.PENANASImBNddDN5
675Please respect copyright.PENANAIhu4Mv4oBT
Mai tries to take her sister’s hand, but she can’t reach it.675Please respect copyright.PENANAow0DG3kZcz
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She closes her eyes and opens them a moment later. At least it feels like a moment later. The soreness in her chest says otherwise. She feels in pieces. Her mind is still foggy from the anesthesia but the mental capacity that is still working tries to make sense of the changes she has to make to her life now.675Please respect copyright.PENANAlTv101rELd
675Please respect copyright.PENANAmWEuQ7PoXs
Mai feels incomplete already, like she needs to undergo some sort of mental rehab to teach her to be a normal person without being a dancer. She is empty and devoid of purpose, wondering how people adapt to situations that turn their lives around completely.675Please respect copyright.PENANAhotfnty0zV
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She supposes they do it out of necessity. Mai has made this choice, and although she doesn’t doubt it’s the right one, she has no idea how to come to terms with it.675Please respect copyright.PENANAIZrhDDSawU
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The light is too bright when Megumi wakes up. Her eyes mist over, and she has to blink out the tears and let them adjust before taking stock of her surroundings. Oxygen is being fed to her through a mask. Needles thread her arms so she can barely move without tugging at one or another. She lifts her hand to her chest, feeling the uneven skin under her hospital gown. She hears the beep of a heart rate monitor—but just one.675Please respect copyright.PENANAPHold9dPuc
675Please respect copyright.PENANA904uPhuEnE
Turning her head as much as she can, Megumi sees Mom right outside the open door. Mom’s face is buried in her hands, shoulders shaking.675Please respect copyright.PENANAf7PPMcShaV
675Please respect copyright.PENANAtOuSJJf0O0
Megumi is a bit more alert, her blood going cold. Did something go wrong with Mai?675Please respect copyright.PENANAX8UxMf8JSN
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But she turns her head to the other side, and her sister is on her bed—at Megumi’s side as always. Mai is flipping through magazine sand eating chocolate pudding, but she exclaims when she sees Megumi awake.675Please respect copyright.PENANAnnnT9LOCAC
675Please respect copyright.PENANA7x7SHcDOum
“Are you okay? How do you feel?”675Please respect copyright.PENANAJHzjCFj9JL
675Please respect copyright.PENANAbkfRm6rh8N
Megumi motions tiredly to the oxygen mask on her face. She feels lightheaded and tired, but her new heart feels strong. Even having just half of it feels so much better than her old heart.675Please respect copyright.PENANAhA02zutUD5
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That’s when she realizes there are two heart monitors after all. It’s just that both of them are beeping perfectly in sync.675Please respect copyright.PENANA0s4EL4oLtz
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Dr. Aguerra comes in and checks on Megumi, finally taking off the oxygen mask.675Please respect copyright.PENANA7LP16N3Jrf
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“We just need to run a few tests,” he says. “We’ll take Mai out first. You just wait here and relax until we come and get you.”675Please respect copyright.PENANA4FAKUXzr5q
675Please respect copyright.PENANAE5EGx1eRCS
He turns on the TV and hands her the remote after helping her sit up. Megumi thought she just wanted to sleep, but once she’s seated, she feels more awake.675Please respect copyright.PENANAY8mLoLbrK0
675Please respect copyright.PENANAfsZ7yGb2l3
As they wheel Mai out, Megumi catches sight of her backpack on a chair in the corner of the room. The lace from Mai’s favorite ballet shoes hangs outside the zipper. Swallowing the ache, Megumi turns her gaze back to the TV. She isn’t really paying attention, though. She’s enjoying the feel of her new heart and thinking about everything she loves…and admittedly everything she hates too. To her relief, her new heart responds as it should. She’d still the same person.675Please respect copyright.PENANAQxQ5MkgzdP
675Please respect copyright.PENANAIq27ubLhlW
But then she stops on a channel showing a dance competition. Megumi, who couldn’t even watch her sister’s biggest performance without fidgeting, finds herself riveted by the strangers dancing onscreen. Her pulse quickens, and she lets the remote rest on her lap.675Please respect copyright.PENANAgxVqGEHHCp
675Please respect copyright.PENANAPBECuhY2hx
For some reason she doesn’t quite understand, a tear squeezes out of her eye.
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Moments
Author:
TejiReve
ISSUE #8
Half-Hearted
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