Mai uses her plié to come into relevé, her toes in grande pointe. She feels the sheen of sweat on her neck, even as she holds it high, trying to embody the grace of a swan.681Please respect copyright.PENANACbomnKNrN8
681Please respect copyright.PENANA56DjTiwEld
Her execution is perfect, her expression is perfect. She shows no outward signs of her toes screaming in pain, even as she feels the telltale wet warmth in her shoes.681Please respect copyright.PENANAyncg2iWW5M
681Please respect copyright.PENANAamnxURPCKU
Her face remains serene.681Please respect copyright.PENANAzKdNJprjoe
681Please respect copyright.PENANAaarUmDhMQV
A memory comes to her mind—Megumi-chan as a baby curled in Dad’s arms. She was born too early. She was sick. Her heart wasn’t strong enough. She wasn’t expected to live past a couple of years, even with all the 23rd century medical technology.681Please respect copyright.PENANAuDmF6b66EE
681Please respect copyright.PENANAcBrdpKA9R8
Mai feels her expression falter and quickly snaps it back into place, coming into the present and leaving behind a past she can’t change. When she dances, she has utter control over every part of her body. It’s the only time her life feels like it’s truly her own.681Please respect copyright.PENANArVEZMQNQKr
681Please respect copyright.PENANAR6Iz9nad7q
The audience is packed. Flashes burst from the auditorium before her life dramatically dying stars. Fourteen years and five auditions. All the sacrifices she’s made, and all the hours she’s put in. Mai didn’t go to prom or Homecoming or any other normal high school event. And it was all in preparation for today.681Please respect copyright.PENANAzuMfBcJ1Ns
681Please respect copyright.PENANAnWA9twklov
This should have been her beginning.681Please respect copyright.PENANAQDaxvBVWO6
681Please respect copyright.PENANAIFrnncZ9SL
*/*/*681Please respect copyright.PENANAjsdsI7TXxZ
681Please respect copyright.PENANAfxOpcPPdnH
Megumi realizes she’s wrinkling the program between her fingers and quickly tries to smooth it out, running her finger along Mai’s name.681Please respect copyright.PENANA1JAIHXyRf8
681Please respect copyright.PENANAg7fsFY7QpT
She tries not to fidget, even though her mind wandered off at least an hour ago. She’s in Hawaii, hiking up the side of a volcano, the blackened lava rocks warm beneath her sneakers. The air is choked with steam and the odor of sulfur.681Please respect copyright.PENANAWfdabfwJSp
681Please respect copyright.PENANASULP514WOM
From there, she makes her way down a white beach sand. The soft, wed sand sinks under her feet. Warm and gentle waves lap across her skin, leaving behind patterns of salt and sand. She can feel the warmth of the sea breeze that makes the palm trees dance, and she can taste the tang of the air.681Please respect copyright.PENANAinLxpIPL5t
681Please respect copyright.PENANAJGfY8PHqVg
Her guidebooks are at home, filled with annotations of everything she can’t leave Hawaii without seeing. Megumi wishes she brought one of them along, but immediately feels guilty. She should be watching Mai right now. Mai’s dream is ending because of Megumi.681Please respect copyright.PENANAdJYMHMrXXh
681Please respect copyright.PENANAwaCVhaWhaq
A sharp ache in her chest makes her flinch. She rubs at it surreptitiously at her chest. When she’s certain her parents are focused completely on Mai, she pulls a pill out of her pocket—hiding it in her palm—and slides it into her mouth.681Please respect copyright.PENANAeHEtD579iF
681Please respect copyright.PENANAlJwLXR9gdJ
Mom’s gaze snaps to her immediately. She starts leaning in toward Megumi.681Please respect copyright.PENANAjRvXCq4JaK
681Please respect copyright.PENANA4XXuQn7cCa
“I’m fine,” Megumi says, a little too sharply. She softens her voice. “Let’s just watch Mai, okay?”681Please respect copyright.PENANA5h1rgtfOXa
681Please respect copyright.PENANAp6jfx2XvuJ
Her mom takes her hand but turns forward to watch the performance again.681Please respect copyright.PENANAdfALUj4BSD
681Please respect copyright.PENANA2Nj7chl0hl
Megumi watches too, keeping her eyes on her sister rather than on the other dancers. Although Megumi can’t even do the same hike twice, Mai is the type who can do the same step one thousand times over until she knows it perfectly, even if that means breaking her toes in the process.681Please respect copyright.PENANAsHXz9w1Oi1
681Please respect copyright.PENANAtDdlT46kZA
Megumi knows the heart is just an organ, and she knows living heart donations are common in this century, but Megumi can’t help but wonder. She wonders if the piece of heart she’s being gifted will change her in any way or if she’ll still be one hundred percent Megumi.681Please respect copyright.PENANA4J53p5oO2K
681Please respect copyright.PENANAxv1ERrnGBQ
*/*/*681Please respect copyright.PENANAMFf6hi8E43
681Please respect copyright.PENANAZJbT2lKVSf
After the performance, Mai sits on a bench in the dressing room, staring at the ballet slippers encasing her feet. She can’t bring herself to take them off just yet. She wants to wait at least until the other dancers are gone.681Please respect copyright.PENANAYBjgnKqkjq
681Please respect copyright.PENANAm925v4rCym
Once the last of the voices fades away, she begins to unlace her slippers slowly and ceremoniously, letting them fall off her feet—her feet that are so calloused and bruised and broken that it’s a wonder they’re each still in one piece. She cleans the blood off carefully, loving her mangled feet for persevering through the torture she’s subjected them to. They are her pride and her prize, proof of the work she’s done.681Please respect copyright.PENANAQyT9LDa2Ih
681Please respect copyright.PENANA7MJfINWba0
Her heart aches, the pain so real she wonders for a second if something might be wrong with her heart too. But, no. Her heart just knows it’s about to be broken—split in half and taken from her.681Please respect copyright.PENANAHktEafEQcb
681Please respect copyright.PENANAHd4uf3TE04
Mai isn’t upset about that. How can she be? Megumi-chan’s life is far more important than anything else.681Please respect copyright.PENANAHQMkVI2fOi
681Please respect copyright.PENANA0fDcVWrau7
Still, she selfishly wishes a miracle would happen—Megumi-chan’s heart would magically heal or an even better donor match would drop out of the sky. But Mai knows she’s the best option. Their parents are too old. It can only be a sibling, and Mai and Megumi-chan match almost perfectly.681Please respect copyright.PENANA3bCYjxPPqY
681Please respect copyright.PENANATqQy3da5aG
She wonders what it might have been like to live in a time when living heart donations weren’t possible.681Please respect copyright.PENANAtkK0qppXa6
681Please respect copyright.PENANAR9u6NItmru
“There you are,” Laurel says, sitting on the bench beside her. “That was fantastic, Mai. I could really only see room for improvement in a couple of places.”681Please respect copyright.PENANArjUHxwPHHs
681Please respect copyright.PENANAgRGvPIZSum
Laurel goes on, and Mai lets her, barely hearing her words. Mai wants to say something about Laurel being the best dance coach ever, but thinks Laurel would find it weirdly sentimental. Mai hasn’t told anyone she won’t be able to dance anymore because she can’t let go of the selfish hope that something will save her and release her from this obligation.681Please respect copyright.PENANAs9H2BLtker
681Please respect copyright.PENANAlA74oojNyd
And then she feels guilty for thinking of Megumi-chan as an obligation.681Please respect copyright.PENANAVzLGdh7cEf
681Please respect copyright.PENANAzLmUkIlOjz
When Laurel leaves, Mai pulls her knees to her chest until she feels turned inside out.681Please respect copyright.PENANA3BnFRFydIA
681Please respect copyright.PENANAA3ABWK33do
Her life until now has been a dream, and she’s being woken up.681Please respect copyright.PENANAAd6As54ixH
681Please respect copyright.PENANAz5ZzBbD6HB
*/*/*681Please respect copyright.PENANAsM1OKF1p4N
681Please respect copyright.PENANAPNYaMa7vow
“Are you scared?” Megumi asks Mai.681Please respect copyright.PENANAj8N2P0Di7X
681Please respect copyright.PENANAg8dNLe06JH
“No,” Mai says from the other bed. “Are you?”681Please respect copyright.PENANAtRR7hQaruZ
681Please respect copyright.PENANALxqjbqbjJT
“Of course not,” Megumi lies.681Please respect copyright.PENANAjXehXbsxpO
681Please respect copyright.PENANAKMsQY3Edm7
She hears the steady beat of Mai’s heart monitor. Megumi’s own monitor beeps a little erratically as her weak heat tries to find a steady rhythm. She wonders what Mai is thinking right now—what she must be feeling.681Please respect copyright.PENANAe7iwHwYT1N
681Please respect copyright.PENANAOC7JC0QIOO
“Half a heart isn’t enough to support an athletic lifestyle,” Dr. Aguerra said seriously when he proposed the surgery to the family. “Mai, no one can coerce or pressure you into making this decision. If you agree to do it, you’ll undergo a psych evaluation to make sure this is your choice and your choice alone.”681Please respect copyright.PENANA1qRvasieUK
681Please respect copyright.PENANATQlQp5w40m
Megumi was so tired at the time she could barely keep her eyes open. She let them fall shut because she didn’t want to see Mai’s expression as Mai said yes.681Please respect copyright.PENANA1JwqDfSFhw
681Please respect copyright.PENANA6wQo4MvSNP
“I’ll do it,” Mai said. “I don’t need to think about it.”681Please respect copyright.PENANAE1jZEnsd78
681Please respect copyright.PENANA8k1dSwjqcW
When they were kids, the two of them would go on adventures. It’s something Mai outgrew quickly, but Megumi still hasn’t. They found a treehouse in the woods behind their house once. Seeing it was abandoned, they decided it was theirs. Megumi would go there and wait for Mai to come home from dance practice.681Please respect copyright.PENANAqKPbQyR1WU
681Please respect copyright.PENANAyCaVHESPim
She was there one day, waiting for Mai, when the rotting wood collapsed beneath her, pitching her out of the treehouse. Mai arrived just in time to catch Megumi, breaking her arm in the process. She didn’t complain about it once, even when it meant she couldn’t dance for three weeks.681Please respect copyright.PENANAVaQRNtg7Ai
681Please respect copyright.PENANAXjkDmvI5k6
Megumi swallows the guilt and the fear that she’s being selfish.681Please respect copyright.PENANAfsTSxK3z9Z
681Please respect copyright.PENANAWgaepepmNG
Her weak heart manages to catch up to Mai’s heart—the one they’ll soon be sharing.681Please respect copyright.PENANAeva0c9z0g4
681Please respect copyright.PENANAbbgoEBMDIr
*/*/*681Please respect copyright.PENANA66ifxtz8uI
681Please respect copyright.PENANARQvl0sVgwp
Mai has a moment of panic before the anesthesia is administered. She doesn’t think she can’t do this. It’s a nightmare, spilling into her lungs and suffocating her. She can’t stop dancing. She doesn’t know how to be a full person if she isn’t a dancer.681Please respect copyright.PENANAEumeUlGoyh
681Please respect copyright.PENANAKyIDySaMdJ
But then she looks at the black hair spilling over the side of the bed beside her. Megumi-chan is already under, maybe dream of everything she’ll do when she wakes up with a new heart. After all, half a functioning heart is better than a full non-functioning heart.681Please respect copyright.PENANAHAJeNgLJnb
681Please respect copyright.PENANAcpQm4pKWVL
Mai tries to take her sister’s hand, but she can’t reach it.681Please respect copyright.PENANAbFZB6zA6SA
681Please respect copyright.PENANA4dawJOu2VN
She closes her eyes and opens them a moment later. At least it feels like a moment later. The soreness in her chest says otherwise. She feels in pieces. Her mind is still foggy from the anesthesia but the mental capacity that is still working tries to make sense of the changes she has to make to her life now.681Please respect copyright.PENANAGlxJkcQIvG
681Please respect copyright.PENANAdkMlkalqlk
Mai feels incomplete already, like she needs to undergo some sort of mental rehab to teach her to be a normal person without being a dancer. She is empty and devoid of purpose, wondering how people adapt to situations that turn their lives around completely.681Please respect copyright.PENANAxe8CqV9yCT
681Please respect copyright.PENANAHIzwdFdpRc
She supposes they do it out of necessity. Mai has made this choice, and although she doesn’t doubt it’s the right one, she has no idea how to come to terms with it.681Please respect copyright.PENANArttjliNmk0
681Please respect copyright.PENANArmbDjJcVAr
*/*/*681Please respect copyright.PENANAR01adtnRmg
681Please respect copyright.PENANAG0MwmfqwEN
The light is too bright when Megumi wakes up. Her eyes mist over, and she has to blink out the tears and let them adjust before taking stock of her surroundings. Oxygen is being fed to her through a mask. Needles thread her arms so she can barely move without tugging at one or another. She lifts her hand to her chest, feeling the uneven skin under her hospital gown. She hears the beep of a heart rate monitor—but just one.681Please respect copyright.PENANAVUJk07NqSF
681Please respect copyright.PENANAdCHuSvFfH1
Turning her head as much as she can, Megumi sees Mom right outside the open door. Mom’s face is buried in her hands, shoulders shaking.681Please respect copyright.PENANAwvweMbHHON
681Please respect copyright.PENANAKxiWhmNdRF
Megumi is a bit more alert, her blood going cold. Did something go wrong with Mai?681Please respect copyright.PENANAeAuAoVJDgR
681Please respect copyright.PENANAdzLRQKd0Xc
But she turns her head to the other side, and her sister is on her bed—at Megumi’s side as always. Mai is flipping through magazine sand eating chocolate pudding, but she exclaims when she sees Megumi awake.681Please respect copyright.PENANA9sao7HNJW9
681Please respect copyright.PENANAhXYk0gPrUo
“Are you okay? How do you feel?”681Please respect copyright.PENANAuoCwjUxhwP
681Please respect copyright.PENANAXcUk3oqEtz
Megumi motions tiredly to the oxygen mask on her face. She feels lightheaded and tired, but her new heart feels strong. Even having just half of it feels so much better than her old heart.681Please respect copyright.PENANAr3W7T5gcWJ
681Please respect copyright.PENANAOCuGWhBLVS
That’s when she realizes there are two heart monitors after all. It’s just that both of them are beeping perfectly in sync.681Please respect copyright.PENANAof3LP4kpqM
681Please respect copyright.PENANAr11CfEaHjX
Dr. Aguerra comes in and checks on Megumi, finally taking off the oxygen mask.681Please respect copyright.PENANA1hCH1wvBGQ
681Please respect copyright.PENANAfSkjsdGeJW
“We just need to run a few tests,” he says. “We’ll take Mai out first. You just wait here and relax until we come and get you.”681Please respect copyright.PENANAHLRWYYhd8z
681Please respect copyright.PENANAXd9NlSUQm3
He turns on the TV and hands her the remote after helping her sit up. Megumi thought she just wanted to sleep, but once she’s seated, she feels more awake.681Please respect copyright.PENANAHGOI9wNcC6
681Please respect copyright.PENANAY8rmT0W24x
As they wheel Mai out, Megumi catches sight of her backpack on a chair in the corner of the room. The lace from Mai’s favorite ballet shoes hangs outside the zipper. Swallowing the ache, Megumi turns her gaze back to the TV. She isn’t really paying attention, though. She’s enjoying the feel of her new heart and thinking about everything she loves…and admittedly everything she hates too. To her relief, her new heart responds as it should. She’d still the same person.681Please respect copyright.PENANAGcixmWrnzd
681Please respect copyright.PENANA24AGVGCTbi
But then she stops on a channel showing a dance competition. Megumi, who couldn’t even watch her sister’s biggest performance without fidgeting, finds herself riveted by the strangers dancing onscreen. Her pulse quickens, and she lets the remote rest on her lap.681Please respect copyright.PENANAvaYf6BHUYK
681Please respect copyright.PENANAvGvD4wGl4t
For some reason she doesn’t quite understand, a tear squeezes out of her eye.
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Moments
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TejiReve
ISSUE #8
Half-Hearted
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