下班回家，淋浴。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQqOOfCVjKI
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgN7v7JZFRd
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE8lturhlt2
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9w5GBEO4w
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFgsBN55Vg0
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfnNlxSadS
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1WFjZUFEEo
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwa7gXBUun2
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvqym2yDUX
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyA0UBOYX12
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQhwVvXMgBx
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa6faFZx0P2
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQzNkmQkoCW
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvYu51XxsSe
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPeotg0C8x4
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw5O3HyQ5pu
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWnhUwImqUR
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMi4p7GluRP
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxMUxgU4E0o
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiRRxGIqfKy
啪——啪——654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡanW1q5kXJa
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTtmTI89Ue
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrweNbqFCT9
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ67ZBwGxA3p
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE8XlKmOJJT
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJstayLeULq
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEfqypfq0dG
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7vup22ZVH
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rZPUAhODh
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCwTaf05lv
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dsrMS7dLm
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6lpKEBIa8
算了吧。沒所謂。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrylBnB5UqV
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡugDVUV4xIN
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcyfewsaJWI
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSIc1rMU6G9
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5WwoCefGin
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZr3rLnuRK
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpar1aYGYFf
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgcfP0FWO0s
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX68qzsZMgW
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrWJ3pd94Ev
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0DuUL5PMeM
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡst8rYfIqRC
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR38igPxBSP
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbFZTfdhBb1
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6LwpZfISJ5
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCOgvfWU9c5
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3koV2S3WxI
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMLefSshOvY
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw2stXhIn9a
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ09GGbYOhaA
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd42OoidTmA
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfLGNDGhqF3
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQjoREEneJi
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb3XWJpsB8p
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpz5TRC3TrK
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSCzakCrVyh
我頭也不回開門離家。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Hl5v7AAhm
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVrVhitRwIk
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKP1dOONqK7
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbf95YHA5ih
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4OQ8JN1W6F
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Ck2xGrGc4
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgTVnRMpQVi
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOId7Bk2yXZ
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEKMaiJaniK
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1rIAePYDn
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKXowWhAwU1
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7YxIreDD3H
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjomIVkVWh3
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvD7EWsE1Sp
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeepWME5QEb
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTuXHd9If6E
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxF3CUjjIba
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvVXyiH5IfT
「你不開心？」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC19hOeGe2W
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgchYPaoec
「是的。但與你無關。」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjGOuyUM6K3
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnHlgtQ1FeX
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMi8UY5C1lf
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNX0Rxw0hV
「還有菸嗎？」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5b4C7dYPoh
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5uzDfzBeug
「有。」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3g7MEb65zp
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Pgl2FpqBD
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKjhZyfSQrm
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6BSlK4PRTT
「俊仔還好嗎？」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNvp2VyQJp
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmfLwb5hrj
「與你無關。」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2jpGevQ7U
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdq4y7HNnkK
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9x7scHxzFx
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7tuz2FrOQ7
我幽幽一笑。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsES85nxAv4
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcV6NhdW1K8
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIulWihUqfh
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMAWfRrfQhy
「多少？我付！」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcRQqppgrHI
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8rb3VctsS0
「五萬七千五百元。」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlruogGoK6n
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mIwHcrn82
「好！沒問題！小意思！」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXbeuZG7do7
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZ76NIu6lG
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMBbZXa61EL
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5CHMmqpoyh
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcU7qUkTY21
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHTbjLXy9jX
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9DL6qo2wce
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSsCoeeQlg
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTiqshf0Wkh
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnbWbc5bxEZ
「阿顧，對不起。」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobbRZPE8fq
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfTeY7AhFf
「道歉有屁用！」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj2pNIh1FFj
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqjKk0meD8v
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPSPbqTJwT
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjO2duZ0AUg
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOXjRJgL5dY
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4PjeGHI1k
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYr2A1y9sBQ
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLv2Est3UdO
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrqYqJXmU8
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcIjYvcXME9
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMIVho9Ukhl
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMZREjDDxrA
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64gukKYGIG
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6Fgiynv7Zs
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPUkojVZZur
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡofGKOhP3lE
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FoQsvQZI4
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ckmWLKHSu
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmas5zQILFX
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0M5WmsyhE
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ULOpfutOm
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPLH6EyEH9d
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdx4Av9yK5h
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuqiFeJE0Xr
我活該……我活該……我活該……654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38xA1DlKxz
654Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2DGFDIcZ0i
我如此催眠自己。
然後按「加至主畫面」