下班回家，淋浴。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfu1s9kUOwB
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWO5su1vIvI
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFDPqOi2YQU
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW1ice3sAUx
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqcA1nHfz3
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuCAq2TpGBW
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWxslBT8RqX
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ryZg2iiCX
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOYO7bAiD9h
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPrvvxxfwTU
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbMqKNweMfJ
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8i9Cfv1k4s
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8JdNEbOw45
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk8WTPXKsFL
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQo1xbkdkAv
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJfh4Hxr76F
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLaFIU42B9
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEWZV9Nmy7B
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTG9MN9R2XR
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoxMevMMFxo
啪——啪——547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg2ReICZRh1
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUP3YM82UI
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJtpe9AgCF
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYBJkXFaYZ
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK1Fxj2XV4w
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9q68YNecy6
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUd8s3lFIB
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzxcczcztiA
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXfJJLi3ss
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡclcH6pZKYT
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMNgEj1deGs
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGSAAF4sOLy
算了吧。沒所謂。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsy8rvkSLh3
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlN3FZFedv4
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVREBY1AdkY
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEUmQvEdpLH
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡthb49sBD5m
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9WPv9dzZFk
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbIZtaO3HLb
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPkK5vkq04
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9X2cJxoAJ
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQokGqMGIi0
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWWfSOZPJTQ
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr3Fq9VHvjc
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO27KM5qFq0
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJ7n22e4of
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTmPCwbmLBd
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡutP45zQYT4
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5qiziylQpk
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeLjeuTfiE1
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpQwCsjhL50
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsj4Xec0shs
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8YKtGNPRy
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3RX8HpUgCx
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU9ipBju0eQ
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6DVYvQMhZ
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxcCwGmhxRq
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWHnvWHpPz
我頭也不回開門離家。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1RewbsyjDq
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQReDIjwja
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKxw9oMU9bI
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiUs6FUiNuU
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXf1KggSXZ1
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xh7k9TiCu
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW7q7vEvVzT
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeio5XMYSLu
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1mAQKmGjxa
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHhsNNAZzqC
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfHUxqTeTOV
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tJgqpMXmM
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxXndgRtTpU
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDZXPBpHAaB
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdTEZPNVZHl
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyWKY0zubzO
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPgYwiuu26
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpdbyGqxf0O
「你不開心？」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5u7gFfRc5V
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCq6RKfwBim
「是的。但與你無關。」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWCbSnHSCQz
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDwvkeDAjl
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYiWWZW24s2
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9lVdYTIEo
「還有菸嗎？」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaTHTYPN9VZ
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmrUBGgQsxv
「有。」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcbIJ24Sasc
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7Al6L9L4C
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqbI29LwWzK
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfF0MHYpxT
「俊仔還好嗎？」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBqkX33abqD
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTbUYRPe4PN
「與你無關。」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyAWRCRRLhz
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ526LLD9yhU
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Qw7X0Tzlz
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5dvF2pvQJu
我幽幽一笑。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlT9fAYn9gd
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡygEWTOJIMR
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTpMFgXjphV
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa2DYpdU66q
「多少？我付！」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKu67WHzrZ
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW10qUxvzbP
「五萬七千五百元。」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7ZDSSEdz1
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV02bTxGCv0
「好！沒問題！小意思！」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvERcG55iYi
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYo5JkifZ1y
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmIvFrLccv
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWgyDoAFjBw
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLiPOajyiGX
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWmdBpP83yi
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo4lEA2tTTx
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmw9BwJrPRQ
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ32aRrWKaa9
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtM5HVD9JqF
「阿顧，對不起。」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTB18J84dqk
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkkpxZ7nh1h
「道歉有屁用！」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7bvEAiFeYY
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk8JuImkJEI
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFT6HVGcBOS
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEmXTEVGIHD
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJUjU6bFFw
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0zWtjjaMT
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDdFSZk79ZI
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfiU553G23K
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6WF6xuZLi
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJr4nKU7tSg
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJaGYRm0oze
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPv6TjsbETV
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmexZlIyJaq
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWS1l1LM8i1
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ26xUGqxjg
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkClyIB1apu
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTmD28j7Qdk
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPq1OiI1OOt
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFfPeOr75bj
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNms0GMMpEc
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnx3b4irsB8
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5v2gAA5jV
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOgHnTfnwz
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJiJo2khbkU
我活該……我活該……我活該……547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVKzOwhJ6c
547Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTrdDjX5F0s
我如此催眠自己。
然後按「加至主畫面」