下班回家，淋浴。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSf0ulo7edH
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6vStt3DpC2
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlpHvxQu2P9
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAs3SzkEX2
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO2ORG3YZUN
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5aDapWtxCg
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ894aMSIiJM
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwwG4urae5
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZOcA270B3
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkPHwwxH2tP
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWBECj0MndR
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmmHcbmFie
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt43y74E97L
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3VUvdaxBL8
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4UDiyM5zzT
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoFvam0Fj2w
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz9Xx1Ck8mW
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2SJ2sTE9hk
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiTOeBvRx3W
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtr4UBGUrmt
啪——啪——832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVKRUYr5anB
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9wqnE1IUEM
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe2yujOhDSu
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Hd7TqDV8Y
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jFRaUyWla
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3W0YAXLwqi
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNWsY0IkNwy
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjd07yt87Y9
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVeBzjBQjKU
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4a0aCcrxk
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCNjYkhq7eA
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNuMKPKWZv
算了吧。沒所謂。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuyrGFxDOW7
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDeYufdl2I3
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLphxmGlelm
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT3Xync8Vh2
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1AgWf0OoIr
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmt2oPISHlq
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPt0TaJmgrs
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeHefSRa5WO
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGqISXPiHan
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLSxvHw9dKR
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTx8JU8lVt0
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrORnjkdTmw
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5qUc0GKtOX
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ1lkhti8WM
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH0pqlH09u3
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGpVm3BpWl
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡltbSWjeXIu
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxuq6Sb1EwW
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYY9oIdLiAk
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡndkfAndqej
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1SfMCREvAk
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNZm7KZFmL
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJn40Iyp57W
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaUBCk88fhD
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡphMGpEW0vd
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYWacODyAFC
我頭也不回開門離家。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9z8imM0omd
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIupDI044J5
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwkx5q1Ck53
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIGiq54IBWz
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQrDFof4Vnc
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpOWYfiHyh
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhdIqa7eTtS
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmp1IMyV193
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3RUamdRgC
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUf5SEVNMGB
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Pi9fvX0WQ
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnysEMfpGXh
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFT091w8emU
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhnbBzolUZ
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lKVVx5NBp
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSZfLWVLy6v
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobAMKyhR6e
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlO0E0vkjjK
「你不開心？」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVULxlVbKqD
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBkgmh1lRmP
「是的。但與你無關。」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS24pLsl0D7
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiLDsuByg3f
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzMucqOlhMQ
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuc8CfmITlQ
「還有菸嗎？」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbtVufdgYNl
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSEGYouvTEl
「有。」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtMiYjUPNjT
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT7o4qShmIp
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsAOn8ZiiOS
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1sltmge9jW
「俊仔還好嗎？」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPUbDxwxzcW
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqwB65kEPVw
「與你無關。」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHgoI2N14Cl
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPbnLlkZ8Mc
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6KNLwRF7JD
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ78axclEEIX
我幽幽一笑。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq7rwOExeYN
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVLbayOuc0
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm3eE6tU0qK
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfWkOiJsqj
「多少？我付！」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15II4quqri
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfnPNQy5Hl
「五萬七千五百元。」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLrbguawMR
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjUdnLM5uiI
「好！沒問題！小意思！」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgFi4VTYU52
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOMje5PhwX2
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolUyyW9th9
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUjO9zsBARW
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0pjVkA81e
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsVVUYpdQlc
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2xkZzjBvvU
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzZC8fDv4wm
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlqUtPHQwa2
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv1JTYhd9Gv
「阿顧，對不起。」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGO9STVF5Mv
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0TfLsk2WZ0
「道歉有屁用！」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbjj7ugU4P
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsupnyrE8km
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8tnlMChGK
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8WsnpeurF9
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT7OnJRPsmm
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlOYBq6VvPp
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQYmW4swLoH
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhRGJa7aJSz
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdLFqYXa8g
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWFVFxt0ee
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfCoTQqwd4W
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZUcnNNCbAn
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOhPzJRr8Zw
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBKGnN5SvBK
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzBmPwpgsBZ
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH7KPqg2rie
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPCJDbmsorE
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX89qjqYYs3
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhAQEknwOXB
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkaznw4Ne3M
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIq0Eb8lnVk
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc2tyfXwdml
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡepDXDPJjK7
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdVrCBZEWeu
我活該……我活該……我活該……832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcxaaJGxYfG
832Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXklLHERxMe
我如此催眠自己。
and then Add to home screen.