下班回家，淋浴。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tL0K5wRxZ
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZGyxJLDGu
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgd6vPua4jq
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqnkV5Mqf1T
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOnrsWbdeDe
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdcbcT9VeDE
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Hs12aXf2J
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7PFMwVyEbL
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoOoNQhtX6q
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr7RYRHB8Y0
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtnraJ6jjGi
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3wTpfZzPU5
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlF0aImnTcE
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPAjREMAyb
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN3RKPbtfwY
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzfvYeNNTX
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaeTryNre5T
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMSvZTyJcwd
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD4MguqtcFs
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6EdXMrvy5Y
啪——啪——648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt3NXwUHL0s
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePXkcdifhF
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPPNcMhH79f
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCURaTwzdBP
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7XowMDTWuf
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX9QgRKTpOb
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs7ubMwr4cS
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRUMa271ICo
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKUSfcLC6C
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEVbH0i2Ty4
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlWB4aypi5
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBnaCL7LtW2
算了吧。沒所謂。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbAqsopgEw
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQA8ec8IChJ
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQ1ZIwzbNg
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRxcjtBdBT7
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2YVfwa2ZBN
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVf8qcfcsmv
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡve3W9LAla2
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWvnim3XDl6
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoEXUvycFEJ
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8vWcR0WL3o
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJYemDNZfag
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHMaMMHBcCi
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFO3CTTmbL
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNo3ljPExIK
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvhiAXo3rbi
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMbicKocBN
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP5Rx89VVDx
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWk8C728jeL
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGR9j9vWtOY
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kSX0hN1Bg
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpxx3e581rl
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5xT8GGq3Dk
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHW2wA2Phj
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXC0DvXX20
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMDRUOqIzf
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ltqRyCPa6
我頭也不回開門離家。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡboLZDXJcUY
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxakmX9t9j
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPwbG3gEGrl
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMTknB8rZVO
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB35dZBLJZO
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw9zEAZkqdY
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrxZfX3vtd
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMy7Gg86G9o
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMQjsVakkK
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZCFll9Rizp
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfbzjsU6xKx
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSklatY9pyu
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtaPtmg643o
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpHUGmmsooQ
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHwoAAM7M8K
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6FvWTlAKmM
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCqH7PAa53
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsK4tX1ZV1k
「你不開心？」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAkCJwhVjjg
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2zWdkMVAd
「是的。但與你無關。」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaxH0zlZFxf
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiIChzrAZ7O
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoYIsAaELzN
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡML1hGBLf7F
「還有菸嗎？」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ0qtSKH8nn
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zIRIyL6VR
「有。」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtGvwe6vVlO
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhWNRPPabpZ
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYlJ0facVz2
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmyatwFvyhg
「俊仔還好嗎？」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPl6j9kI95E
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hbwmE5osZ
「與你無關。」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgY3s4mVfxT
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7FgsENBCkK
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUgdp0WipA
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBf4t22hkGd
我幽幽一笑。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHnkkwykrnk
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgq8gKZH61
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj6vgis2oX6
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4aDjPvPywo
「多少？我付！」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1GqulJ07CO
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ81GMQbv7i4
「五萬七千五百元。」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0HAEQOuwGi
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnfGXJnrE6P
「好！沒問題！小意思！」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWcy8Q39oKi
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRkhO82fPqx
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcNqxsL20pW
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ196U4EJGBH
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYVCG8qW0Gy
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3WMg3MDzpY
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJtzbqfEGI7
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjos81w9U5Z
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE3Mdtks1Jd
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGW4bP32ZVn
「阿顧，對不起。」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQZFJcNz4af
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1s6hETs58K
「道歉有屁用！」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhgzezyyit2
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Xyu3ZFLDe
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQFyCMWd1J
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhF4CrWGcam
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3QPn4NVBnZ
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZmJJjdPBwy
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKiutzvbI8j
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCWBobXowzl
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡniKgLRT1dF
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIuOgaS3tI
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtb9gCVIylb
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZhKrU50G9
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpir6hW6YoV
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkBYgfyHhlp
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZanTLT6TOP
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnrptwPPY7a
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2xvbCUtVV
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz4OOk4Phlz
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhclASoRB5g
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc657WuVzo7
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbfkRgZ58Jz
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZiNxPkPhGJ
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGvJzOnMayL
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvuOe5wkPCE
我活該……我活該……我活該……648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVd2B03xBQM
648Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF6BrcBQ43m
我如此催眠自己。
然後按「加至主畫面」