下班回家，淋浴。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqU50zcBGHP
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Ppqyw5M8V
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9Ppq07MDK
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvLxUABBrTs
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgeU6qO5lu
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUINs8ijB0W
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTCCPTQH2f
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNjqEaoYxKp
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmC377I1sbQ
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBSLIK2KK83
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8zq2Tj3nWm
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWnRmO9L5s
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpHxFHoibCY
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTopbfc0HCS
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5vYBRVfeY8
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLew2reQHni
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtTu5v0oAKW
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3iBNTBMGYB
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxGsqlEmnn
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1NKFnFlEF2
啪——啪——521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc3wPjSFOHI
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK89T2xnUJZ
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlk75dGPCx
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ101Tq6FIaL
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZB7cZZ8Xc
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9UBxVOjPu
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzYWSenOcD1
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoCbH548CoU
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡESG5INa6AH
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡniS6iXjJky
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB2iS0AG2Uc
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyOCnvLiuTI
算了吧。沒所謂。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgUcdxUjYzx
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkOdVjZ2m2
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSzLXjRc5Gq
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwYcxAO04AV
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYCAvRJ9FaO
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF2vaYocMSw
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡutAglnhvi2
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVRB6rHdCTS
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAABdIZkDU1
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvZPL9sTJ5I
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpwmXhpPQA8
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCreudsMyi0
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyy581X1Hs1
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXzq9NrAX37
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjo6WcWKxU
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6GOoFKnW8
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQyjzyrX36K
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2eUfYVyheV
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPGe3fdRod
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsU3OmPnGHj
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0K4tZLO0oo
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAGOI9RnSeG
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡupdB5EeJk7
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvmWYcSNN9v
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2hK3ESYXv6
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx7sKV7iHTu
我頭也不回開門離家。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt04snOGKE0
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNvNdPAxrmV
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdqAukt82Kv
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ8KNDBiimB
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGskVo4Gepb
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRnF5nvfPua
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4PtqFQ0BOM
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡolLZpwMbVo
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2s4lUOC1fH
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnxKHCwgD1b
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIF5aJ66dYD
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjV3BkmVYQt
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIRrcMsbDS2
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0jjUNOaRG
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5jntj1TUao
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPjLRZWHjP
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGqbIrICHNA
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFZE1Y4dgs
「你不開心？」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj5p5ni3a2y
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQKcdOQ4KRE
「是的。但與你無關。」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9BHRPe67Yp
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVqhOSb0pUc
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsOhsiZf9Va
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr9wnlflbh0
「還有菸嗎？」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ6ltl45qsP
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ95NnxZtDA3
「有。」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBqVFIcF5hQ
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyA1pUECTf
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zybC4iJ9F
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXQzKJSavi5
「俊仔還好嗎？」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBi1xoyHU4c
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwJQxH8K9K
「與你無關。」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKi9E5xL3QI
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlFPUXWLIs
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUzAD9mRe28
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8sSvRHuFoG
我幽幽一笑。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnsRHrvVxWG
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfBOpEJEcnB
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdkZY96JpWd
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡukwV3gT7O2
「多少？我付！」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCDVShF7DEK
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJ4tLbYaLG
「五萬七千五百元。」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7EOA4oyM0H
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyGgoYdBeWJ
「好！沒問題！小意思！」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyeCbtvP0Uv
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKwArh0ybCN
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIdHKLiApiv
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5I5KR5fnLt
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeWNTwysIwE
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOmtX0XrVH
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmGPk5KI7N9
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnjfSWRskKk
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS2mJV6AiR0
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ42koarvNjk
「阿顧，對不起。」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBABIZMzh5i
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy6U9OsdvWf
「道歉有屁用！」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOlPIHmBL2B
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYvAtR6sfUw
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0CPn1YC1i5
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNXSSkZagv7
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPWPTCaW5T6
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡug6DUnoipN
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKC9m95aJU
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs03goMUN8B
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dsVTXNbI1
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnOcgFYV6X5
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9buqr20L8n
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuKWdPViMRL
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVMIlt0ijjK
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZDszTHYdi
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJklaQHuIAW
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnZEcMhYLJ
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzeA0fqsjUv
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk3Rrvdyq7d
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkbvgVVAm5P
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ792RZbmz2
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQN3SpVrA3
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe27LHMCjFz
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWPORfek0q
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0PRMqbiFPu
我活該……我活該……我活該……521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBTOvK0MfZG
521Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlI9g0hyE5s
我如此催眠自己。
然後按「加至主畫面」