下班回家，淋浴。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnG4nppGs5g
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6PmpsN7FAX
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfGF89Q9oG
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO4aS6CdAUO
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnVABebPnf
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu9ydPlC5vb
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOw30LwlbWN
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXY6PLaZoUX
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7gsvZHacdm
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGstwvpCwm3
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX5VHiGksCG
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmT83qFh2Gc
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18OeOZVtRx
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu4eJJVuO25
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPeHOKXA5hY
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEOLEIoRuK
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiR3pQ9IW0l
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPclLXUN5tp
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzo5cUgkiVy
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5CAZf0Oz0H
啪——啪——652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFU2Mx2vCcr
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbABrYWk5Aj
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJyw2Iyk5l
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9QnNvWlRXK
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHKRQglw3o
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYCBnu6mRTe
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBoay5OMKp0
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡraaLlVFJPL
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡACWlMxNXuK
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHLa4cyKyYM
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bwBBszdjg
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTW7CiEW1ro
算了吧。沒所謂。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJ6Xv32qrp
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvg3zQ6bIJQ
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNGlobDvIZG
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrStu9Dfir6
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpIY2kR26RH
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsxxm6XIWzp
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGCRTxSA5Z6
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR8IRTuDSmd
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv5EOYPtbJn
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLrxRIXAtg
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1iRxdirdFY
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNISBY5NdUq
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAljRCw0PmH
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXtYiKSX1bc
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy2eJ7WTFQe
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdakv1yVhHD
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLYW9HPDSO0
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq2KgIT4iCb
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3rlgiTeIYB
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkQ9mibkkte
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfyT345Kwbl
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnnRlEmmNWC
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1CN3FxiDC2
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEPJaLDjfKy
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf2gNeTAlnd
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpxR4NGe6e
我頭也不回開門離家。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt6yqhAWtjC
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEEPQb20GJo
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmY8f5rsDa3
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjhY70lxZ56
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡljXOvfjV5S
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyPaj4Rgbu1
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡevJGUzO0uG
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ut2kGs2vV
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMdRdZMchHQ
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLOAxIyo8v
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkDcZKtMDXt
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEdRYp6CNdg
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaExtWZFBkl
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAk14bMduRH
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYKL1HtV2MF
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7os3L7p8yM
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvkKVceu3q
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyyd0FEkOXK
「你不開心？」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5sHSKWVTl
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUy27i92HiR
「是的。但與你無關。」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWV90lAE0kY
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdznnJti1aR
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQGK97Gai61
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ5Gyf3c5e5
「還有菸嗎？」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLGu3KP4k89
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsLg8I8Z9V2
「有。」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRFr8OxdM4p
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlY9DzX4P4D
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Os0mJlvoq
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCFSyqNUqUl
「俊仔還好嗎？」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRegN4dqjyB
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7HsTZg3inB
「與你無關。」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngriPJx386
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNJLLuv4oMr
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxNQzNnJlB0
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL0sGn7qAzN
我幽幽一笑。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhPdU6VhtoQ
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAexMdg98F
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhAMp1yB8kO
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLwOkBCWtpw
「多少？我付！」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2JCwpKPLan
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcHYI7UlId
「五萬七千五百元。」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmuGU64X8l
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX43axg1HIr
「好！沒問題！小意思！」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZRTb0Cpala
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZz4kdzsWVM
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHUtd51upS
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHpuE2fqwOi
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0gLHNLxa95
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyO8mWTVw3I
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQzmdkJrNoD
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡauhiJvBChg
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIyBhqHea1p
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsLGrPgnxK
「阿顧，對不起。」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfa4NiHN7u
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhqm8f0rasZ
「道歉有屁用！」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeg12g94FU0
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrent4pDJl6
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzPdeOw73fI
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8nmdmeoFUP
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJQt7Rgp9s
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7n3sPk0jux
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiC8g43rFxL
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydhJDN5E5f
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETvRnQwasA
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguNWkxcleZ
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSOSotO5rbg
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvsvaa2iRpr
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRjIwB0J3L3
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYWHLiuD4j
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZxiSdaERa
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpWAS6IUWcV
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhWi5exDyvM
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8EBNnTyhL
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWUIMQUh3ME
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5SQ7gzWvDs
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZHBkD75AGV
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3SqFDT046O
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqoGnKeS51l
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUCOyWN6lU3
我活該……我活該……我活該……652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtzjVwvS1OR
652Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOCSSWXWSiE
我如此催眠自己。
然後按「加至主畫面」