下班回家，淋浴。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIiDvGi5war
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDTpAvF4wVJ
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6sdU7CQJIA
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcFBgswXeu6
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsEu16Gh6Hm
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJDcjSEl7ND
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6d9InXLpIo
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZNIdmPvTv
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIF6iWMm8V9
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRJjuVJFFqq
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDooYOx5ZTD
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMsKqqCEXC5
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi8LkD2hlg4
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa1VVJBjKfM
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPoCWGJ9dsV
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI7uFNJUhNv
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8nGn3mblBf
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoW1luYpZbi
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lYTx7tR5o
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGf5dZEmRcL
啪——啪——564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ62wziDwruK
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3gY6dSLve
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzVDf1oAaku
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Wx2hToMi0
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pDsWJRlAk
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3RBtGN9Ldh
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCt7pXAvvLo
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN9gfBRenxu
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJZbZ8ltL2
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIBiZMX1Jbq
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4BsePsWTuk
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKz5078dDUj
算了吧。沒所謂。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLF0IrTcPHR
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ19zVoCY7pt
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJvt453cRGD
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMRwe8vQU4Q
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVuzaPzxyVp
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAtf6Pr0uO8
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCvf0mXd5ef
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3tn1bg28v
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVUxWv6Z8H9
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUppjIUBwcM
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡamaJbP86GN
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZFdmzUTBA
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiL5zxeQiRK
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUBop76eKqx
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGi3iyfj5J
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6G8rlXJ19A
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeqdyCcSZox
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoWMB8z27wq
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxODzWu9Dle
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNxuJNcMFzf
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6duZjgIhta
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhFCdDitaUL
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtPe7YdsTdX
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ979FfR3cyV
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu6r56Z0JD9
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9iDbYC2IuV
我頭也不回開門離家。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVSLN5Keuhj
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSoeFPctzQZ
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyldm0nWpUw
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfkcKrP1bXU
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmphONwttD9
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbrjFrj6ePj
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJULpATkhjC
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKlaIrGG29R
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS3A45s4aac
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Q2Q2KSEDm
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOB4SNBcSPr
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc10vnovJXg
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLqUqbROEk
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7N8uYHAxqO
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXR7pRqRvFc
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMEmrck47zG
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU5xKG45zcM
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRbl7D4Yd1T
「你不開心？」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6pIhQLZLsT
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8F2IS7PI7D
「是的。但與你無關。」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQyTxirANII
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVe8gBCP3hi
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj9FSjBTU3f
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb83BvwSnCm
「還有菸嗎？」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlsCR7NWHq
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeaXIeNaTCx
「有。」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1V2TTrxdnu
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWnh5HaUMsm
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE4KPayqdDC
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCYNESS08ma
「俊仔還好嗎？」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmjmM3vBjD7
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0Xg9LlqhD
「與你無關。」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGYXc5bjfgA
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcfmPZvR9x1
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFqaAeb61x6
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTL0euhwqtS
我幽幽一笑。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQdN29Ezd6
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXzT3YArztk
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OML0yGEQr
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjPdzc5Ibd
「多少？我付！」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz0igvMyNkc
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXJjPCVwoY1
「五萬七千五百元。」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45dhn7z9E4
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9twLDpeG1m
「好！沒問題！小意思！」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOafKVjbxR
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN9JCFiGXvM
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64bTkNDNhf
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRH0Ohp3Cap
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ003qr9U0tS
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRK3l3MKMOt
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrCKnTwJE08
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzR5PWDAirM
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcxgF0ETXgx
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWsu06Pes3W
「阿顧，對不起。」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwFdJdVs55
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYWLlf8MBHR
「道歉有屁用！」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KTpcN5Rm8
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZuHX8WIJlv
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwbzfeTOe1h
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7WuXc02JNh
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJfT00tpGS7
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuTHFkx7ReA
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN8UJnXJKmu
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3RRILWztgm
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPrqFmE6Gvd
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvymDEaBDZe
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdOOXGVtW0P
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJsCqTksxgn
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqXECQonxeg
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhLqoHVBaFQ
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0r6GdAz9pP
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdWY6jvlzW3
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7aWDXNLPnn
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ubKVLxtKo
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7tJxJQTFLO
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAke4P7kzm
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB3FmwRof7n
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡASUoPmBfXM
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTWSX2x7id9
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2IizdP7XN2
我活該……我活該……我活該……564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmFV8j5vJ0E
564Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7M0XFcXAer
我如此催眠自己。
and then Add to home screen.