下班回家,淋浴。339Please respect copyright.PENANAC7TgXCqyXu
339Please respect copyright.PENANAYO4fVmzYze
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣,目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。339Please respect copyright.PENANAZH8gNxIkzZ
339Please respect copyright.PENANAahSan8X7xp
今天,同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉,我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語,我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意!339Please respect copyright.PENANAjqrfxu5PB3
339Please respect copyright.PENANA2yHebJcq2T
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊,我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊,也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。339Please respect copyright.PENANAuBkh3TCipa
339Please respect copyright.PENANAdmJjyxYIp1
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片,不由得傻笑起來:「要沾甜酸醬……」339Please respect copyright.PENANAD2G2tKR4sr
339Please respect copyright.PENANAiTNDxPIKUg
沐浴後,我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後,阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住,替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美,會夾餸菜給她,但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味,但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。339Please respect copyright.PENANADBWIYgeJkt
339Please respect copyright.PENANAdviiOHgBHu
若問我為何可以如此大方,可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊,照顧我的兒子,耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我?因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢,現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人,現實是我沒有介意的本錢。339Please respect copyright.PENANADQAWGtNW6C
339Please respect copyright.PENANAbjoyT9lz6M
飯後,俊仔做功課,阿美洗碗,我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸,我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色,方長的臉,矮肥的身材——像我爸,又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬,然後想起阿美。人如其名,阿美的確長得美。她像媽,五官精緻,皮細肉嫩,玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人,我也會選擇阿美……339Please respect copyright.PENANA7pksHvfEuQ
339Please respect copyright.PENANA3iRgB1sOM6
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰?恨阿美太漂亮,恨前夫好色,抑或恨自己像亞古獸?339Please respect copyright.PENANAYQ80cf5V0Y
339Please respect copyright.PENANA45kD5kuL0Y
我笑了:我真的很像亞古獸。339Please respect copyright.PENANAsUpcBWY8E4
339Please respect copyright.PENANAnZXQfnsirh
啪——啪——339Please respect copyright.PENANA0pIijOtWwa
339Please respect copyright.PENANAsy6ImMwjAa
「媽咪!我肚痛,要大便!」339Please respect copyright.PENANApWxHoieoEl
339Please respect copyright.PENANAIVRerqsOSt
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁,沖水。我離開浴室,看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青,一股勁兒衝入浴室去。339Please respect copyright.PENANAe1Mf3J8EGK
339Please respect copyright.PENANAG8VIuQ5krq
「媽咪!菸味很臭啊!」俊仔隔門抱怨。339Please respect copyright.PENANA5wEmjCzvAW
339Please respect copyright.PENANAbmHTwCK0Kr
「你的大便也很臭呢!我老遠也嗅得到!」阿美代我反嘲。339Please respect copyright.PENANAc3oIPctJcY
339Please respect copyright.PENANAYVhNpjR8n3
我望望阿美,苦笑,笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑,但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法,或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。339Please respect copyright.PENANA5qqOiebPqp
339Please respect copyright.PENANADjVpUKYmMk
算了吧。沒所謂。339Please respect copyright.PENANAo5z1DKfk2w
339Please respect copyright.PENANAhHmt4tLMOH
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的,然後回到睡房去。339Please respect copyright.PENANAygaXKWNfMW
339Please respect copyright.PENANAJFyAkdSGLw
該要睡,想要睡,卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭,大便很臭……339Please respect copyright.PENANADl0EqzGDMX
339Please respect copyright.PENANAlxOemU0pHb
我傻傻笑了:很無聊,怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西?339Please respect copyright.PENANAsV0YI1eAtY
339Please respect copyright.PENANAXcOpjLjBsf
不夠累嗎?我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。339Please respect copyright.PENANAhWIcjxcFbu
339Please respect copyright.PENANARe0geYU4lk
我更衣換褲,套上波鞋,打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。339Please respect copyright.PENANAa0GCnq2MAw
339Please respect copyright.PENANAmUyasvaQGC
「姐,買菸嗎?」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間,她正在為俊仔檢查功課。339Please respect copyright.PENANAYhlOINhf59
339Please respect copyright.PENANAC6JHSgocHi
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。339Please respect copyright.PENANAP3S9stxip0
339Please respect copyright.PENANAZPNwj1wKaY
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天,需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑,似乎察覺到我的不對勁。339Please respect copyright.PENANA8W1vCW2vll
339Please respect copyright.PENANA8aVpWOJ7xY
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。339Please respect copyright.PENANA6230nwE3dE
339Please respect copyright.PENANAz73F9aLDTb
「姐,我……」也許是基於內疚,阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務,包括夜半買菸。339Please respect copyright.PENANAew10fJqo1g
339Please respect copyright.PENANA8tpPUGAHQj
「我說——不!」我加重語氣,拉長字音,滿腔怒火不言而喻。339Please respect copyright.PENANAuCWJigFVwA
339Please respect copyright.PENANAp480RoP648
阿美呆了,霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣,探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意,彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……339Please respect copyright.PENANAZseaJCKfhc
339Please respect copyright.PENANAUaIaVYdpSd
我頭也不回開門離家。339Please respect copyright.PENANAV1xCiYh61u
339Please respect copyright.PENANAZgS52o9yTT
夏夜,海風濕重,翳侷悶人。岸有燈火,海浪微盪,從多個度折射著黃光白光,閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面,卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空,越放空越見混亂。339Please respect copyright.PENANAEFXd38GQyF
339Please respect copyright.PENANAHLApCyGyGO
我憑欄抽菸,抽得很兇,不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。339Please respect copyright.PENANAtspcWf6NBm
339Please respect copyright.PENANALIeJ7Ym7Si
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……339Please respect copyright.PENANA0CwRFF6md6
339Please respect copyright.PENANAQ0zSlXFtr8
最後一根菸殆盡,指隙間突然空虛無限。339Please respect copyright.PENANAyzRzUpyBDG
339Please respect copyright.PENANAeyGTiZxK0t
我不捨就此回家,奈何忘記帶銀包,無法買菸。339Please respect copyright.PENANAHQjRinhTPl
339Please respect copyright.PENANAdb1KAqT1YH
「要菸?」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷,不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大,也算不上細小,但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。339Please respect copyright.PENANAcvCPrY0bwk
339Please respect copyright.PENANA3nyBw1KPBk
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇,我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時,他又識趣地主動為我點菸。339Please respect copyright.PENANARilizwHx6j
339Please respect copyright.PENANAOOnpjmV1Oo
「怎麼了?突然那麼體貼?」339Please respect copyright.PENANAxFCz9K3Qne
339Please respect copyright.PENANAzYW7WfeluE
「你不開心?」339Please respect copyright.PENANAYduuWaZNAu
339Please respect copyright.PENANAlIlViTUw8E
「是的。但與你無關。」339Please respect copyright.PENANASTSsIgFNHg
339Please respect copyright.PENANAstxFBtRY2d
面對帶刺的話,前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸,默默待我享用完整根香菸。339Please respect copyright.PENANABELbBLg9fK
339Please respect copyright.PENANAYq8bqAfXc2
「還有菸嗎?」339Please respect copyright.PENANAdzKGKpH7ua
339Please respect copyright.PENANAE9bmHWaR3B
「有。」339Please respect copyright.PENANAvvzzVN5Quv
339Please respect copyright.PENANAP1EeSRCVQE
前夫再次遞菸、點菸,但他沒有繼續保持沉默。339Please respect copyright.PENANA2eXpJy1Kel
339Please respect copyright.PENANAE2ehHfl6Df
「俊仔還好嗎?」339Please respect copyright.PENANAaSZAygtI3s
339Please respect copyright.PENANAuAtBtektAd
「與你無關。」339Please respect copyright.PENANANU1ZrTXebK
339Please respect copyright.PENANAu7y4c85p9y
「即使我跟你離婚了,我依然是俊仔的爸。」339Please respect copyright.PENANA9nreVYpz8H
339Please respect copyright.PENANAaiEvoHMoU2
我幽幽一笑。339Please respect copyright.PENANAWtk8GA4E5j
339Please respect copyright.PENANAIHp855KCiO
「俊仔的爸啊!俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團,但我騰不出費用。」339Please respect copyright.PENANAG6yGGh3Nyc
339Please respect copyright.PENANAbgSVZBLj5b
「多少?我付!」339Please respect copyright.PENANA2JLNsvYCYX
339Please respect copyright.PENANAxemLDbpXrU
「五萬七千五百元。」339Please respect copyright.PENANAtf6s8brfP3
339Please respect copyright.PENANAam8FZrbanF
「好!沒問題!小意思!」339Please respect copyright.PENANAWqNtZqFeS0
339Please respect copyright.PENANANrnICvswg7
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處,我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來,再也止不住。339Please respect copyright.PENANAg7oW2ZsmW8
339Please respect copyright.PENANAwsntKllRgP
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」339Please respect copyright.PENANAVPHeX61k2i
339Please respect copyright.PENANAON1z0OPW2u
「別傻、別傻!我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」339Please respect copyright.PENANAgn9kMU9dcu
339Please respect copyright.PENANABiG5nuqbYZ
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」339Please respect copyright.PENANAJNWunVMaAw
339Please respect copyright.PENANAMS43wXxIu5
「阿顧,對不起。」339Please respect copyright.PENANAQMcWyXaCMt
339Please respect copyright.PENANAjqAd7fvWyc
「道歉有屁用!」339Please respect copyright.PENANAucmp8K1GZh
339Please respect copyright.PENANA9lVF4nqZ4w
「既然你認為道歉無用,那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩,也請找我幫忙,我會盡力幫助你。」339Please respect copyright.PENANAJYd2hydsNk
339Please respect copyright.PENANAPHghqjPVK7
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去,但我相信他:我清楚他的脾性,他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不,該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。339Please respect copyright.PENANAl5oWMvU3Q4
339Please respect copyright.PENANAckZUf7r0Ev
如果我不是急需用錢,我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉;如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔,我早已將阿美趕出家門;如果我不是知道為人母親之責任,我多麼想就此棄下俊仔,展開更自由自在的新生活!339Please respect copyright.PENANAuCSN9HxbXm
339Please respect copyright.PENANAyz7TrcqXkK
可惜,世界從沒如果,只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔,我就要必須對他負責——為了他,我不得不向現實低頭。339Please respect copyright.PENANA80sKZ920w3
339Please respect copyright.PENANAa4t2GEpZX5
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願,卻沒奈何。339Please respect copyright.PENANAugEDQkzhEu
339Please respect copyright.PENANAlOZ3wn5Kni
「好!等我好消息!」前夫笑得很燦爛,似是找到贖罪的方法,以後不需背負罵名。339Please respect copyright.PENANAazZbP4wzkn
339Please respect copyright.PENANAuBlg2lDKP9
我跟前夫揮手道別,然後慢步回家。339Please respect copyright.PENANAP0K8Ml3d7u
339Please respect copyright.PENANAcFvTKTzgEL
嗯……怎麼形容呢?平靜如水,所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過,因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西,甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的,散亂零落的。339Please respect copyright.PENANAdzDQz4uiLG
339Please respect copyright.PENANAVr2h1L7KCD
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了,亦不需解釋,反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習,也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團,自己亦不需向前夫求助……339Please respect copyright.PENANAnwRmIYwPPc
339Please respect copyright.PENANAdLVQt3w9Wm
我淪落至此,自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……339Please respect copyright.PENANAVg8frbg186
339Please respect copyright.PENANA4uXtxpCQa7
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇,也就是活該,也就沒甚麼好抱怨……339Please respect copyright.PENANAZl38FrDdYD
339Please respect copyright.PENANAfmiQ2ZPVJW
我活該……我活該……我活該……339Please respect copyright.PENANAiLTOagDoZD
339Please respect copyright.PENANA3yNiWE2aus
我如此催眠自己。
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雜念集
Author:
天洛卡
ISSUE #63
不介意(生活)
LIKES 1
READS 335
BOOKMARKS 35
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