「這一句話,我會記上一輩子。」353Please respect copyright.PENANAJVyVBFUTnT
353Please respect copyright.PENANAevbQ63vuoa
二十年前,我拋下這麼一句話,頭也不回,離開那個家。
某位於港島區的咖啡店內。淺啡木紋地磚和同調木紋膠板桌椅,配襯白色牆身和米黃色燈膽,輔以多個小盆栽和青色咕𠱸作點綴,簡潔得來帶有滿滿的溫馨。完全符合阿妹理想中「家」的形象。353Please respect copyright.PENANAI6K0NxYh0u
353Please respect copyright.PENANAg5nXTVGOjj
我們齊齊長大於日本文化盛行的年代,對日系風格情有獨鍾實屬在所難免。惟鍾愛歸鍾愛,我不禁在心裡吐糟眼前的芝士蛋糕:虛假的芝士味道和香氣,甜得發膩的化學甜,有如焦土的乾癟質地。怎麼可以如此難吃?353Please respect copyright.PENANAGZBgppbC83
353Please respect copyright.PENANAMUsWSTsPsT
「不喜歡?」阿妹冷道,沒望我一眼,逕自品嚐她的芝士蛋糕和朱古力咖啡。353Please respect copyright.PENANAHKqzuLkjHD
353Please respect copyright.PENANARnhPAdgpuJ
「嗯。」我放下叉子,放棄價值五十元的蛋糕,暗嘆浪費。我寧可花同樣價錢,去茶餐廳吃鹹魚雞粒炒飯。353Please respect copyright.PENANAecKwNKKZiF
353Please respect copyright.PENANAPqEIUSKO1W
「這是區內最有名氣的芝士蛋糕。」阿妹對我的口味不以為然。353Please respect copyright.PENANAhCY3G1zsQC
353Please respect copyright.PENANAiCd9IdMNh1
「以『難吃』見稱嗎?」我冷嘲,惹得鄰桌的情侣竊笑。353Please respect copyright.PENANAbBqviuK7nv
353Please respect copyright.PENANAsbO9QfA4ru
阿妹面色玄青,無視我,低頭享用她的下午茶。353Please respect copyright.PENANA25sQLlW9rq
353Please respect copyright.PENANArhh9L7Psg8
我沒趣地拿出手提電話消磨時間,目光時而在通訊軟件上遊走,時而偷瞄對座的阿妹。353Please respect copyright.PENANAmHiVMLdiFR
353Please respect copyright.PENANALpZGEfmvdA
我倆之間,是一張深度六百毫米的枱,也是二十年的空白。見面之前,我記憶中的阿妹是個廿三歲大學畢業生,純真無邪,略懂打扮;碰面當刻,舊印象驟然消失,獨一無二的阿妹變成充斥中環的普通辦公室女郎。微卷深啡長髮,濃妝豔抹,粉綠色及膝連身裙,純白色短袖小外套,三吋高跟鞋。353Please respect copyright.PENANAFUgsAisZ2j
353Please respect copyright.PENANAyItlk61MVm
曾幾何時,我深信自己會跟阿妹一樣,成為打扮斯文的辦公室女郎。353Please respect copyright.PENANA5QOm7BXncI
353Please respect copyright.PENANAeybTU1peZI
我的思緒飄到遙遠的平行世界去,直至阿妹放下叉子:「走吧。」353Please respect copyright.PENANA3fnbIt8AoN
353Please respect copyright.PENANAW7s3NSeO7l
截下的士,我們直驅醫院去。車廂中,又是令人窒息的沉默。我從倒後鏡瞥望阿妹。她托著下巴,似是對著窗外景物發呆,亦似是從玻璃車廂的模糊倒影觀察我。353Please respect copyright.PENANAI059FOM6yL
353Please respect copyright.PENANAgxcZxF7ADW
「待會兒,態度必須要溫和。」阿妹的口吻帶有「命令」的味道。353Please respect copyright.PENANAZs3fdm2FMa
353Please respect copyright.PENANAklCp7aE5LT
「盡量。」我是個直腸直肚的人。353Please respect copyright.PENANAal19mhHrwP
353Please respect copyright.PENANALSKL5WwYSG
「難道你沒能大發慈悲,讓媽咪『離開』得安詳?」她略略加強語氣。353Please respect copyright.PENANAXdX3nQUYQW
353Please respect copyright.PENANA0XXzkF6Tvm
「所以我沒有拒絕,而是答『盡量』!」我強抑怒火:「你不是不知道她的嘴巴就是不饒人!難道我要盲目啞忍所有過份要求?」353Please respect copyright.PENANAC3puuqWW2R
353Please respect copyright.PENANANwvfRojwwx
「那天以後,她性格大變,嘴巴再也硬不起來。」阿妹神色放軟。353Please respect copyright.PENANAFLGUOgYIBr
353Please respect copyright.PENANAg6vw75eHef
我沒駁斥,任由沉默張牙舞爪。
進入私人病房前,阿妹從手袋拿出一個小紙袋,塞到我手裡:「給媽咪的小禮物,佯稱是你買的。」沒待我答允,她已推門內進,不讓我有拒絕的機會。353Please respect copyright.PENANAKMrgCyyoln
353Please respect copyright.PENANAV6KJojBVoZ
病床上的媽咪,戴著頸箍,缺了左腿,全身插滿連接儀器的喉管。床頭櫃有熱水壼和膠杯,櫃側有一灰色的膠椅,椅上有她最鍾愛的墨綠色的毛衣。出乎意料,毛衣多年以來仍忠實地守候在她身邊,活像她幻想出來的完美女兒。353Please respect copyright.PENANAlrPD4sfiM8
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「送你的。」根據阿妹的指示,我奉上紙袋。353Please respect copyright.PENANAcKIEyFAw29
353Please respect copyright.PENANA64vLbl4jG0
媽咪的頭動不了,眼皮使力地開開合合,眼珠子艱難地轉動著,幾經辛苦才成功對焦,看見我。眼淚暴瀉,雙唇微顫,千言萬語卻離不開齒間。353Please respect copyright.PENANAfQaDzAZjb4
353Please respect copyright.PENANAq8tP5EKb1e
「喚媽咪吧。」阿妹怒目相向,恨我的狠。353Please respect copyright.PENANAst5T6xNZ89
353Please respect copyright.PENANAtrnFWj20ZB
縱先前對媽咪的病情略知一二,惟在此情此境,我竟反應不來,原地愣住。喜怒憂懼愛憎欲,好比混在一起的彩砂,沒能再分開。粒粒彩砂本來顏色鮮明,在此刻偏偏成了惹人眼花撩亂的雜訊,佔據每吋視線,令我看不清楚自己的心意。353Please respect copyright.PENANA0MEMLxawSG
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「媽……咪……」我耗盡力氣,千辛萬苦才擠出兩粒字。不情不願,因為找不到自己的位置;心甘情願,因為這是最後的聚頭,該盡力讓事情有個不差勁的結局,算是清還她的養育之恩。353Please respect copyright.PENANAXpkcZoIPzs
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阿妹招招手,要我湊近媽咪,讓她看清楚多年不見的女兒。353Please respect copyright.PENANATRwjexvhdH
353Please respect copyright.PENANACtBbtydpI4
一絲抗拒掠過。我沒打算捕捉它,隨它消逝。我的手腳開始沒那麼生硬,乖乖依從阿妹的指令,走近床邊。阿妹要我給媽咪奉水,我照辦如儀。阿妹要我為媽咪披上毛衣,好,沒問題……不知底蘊的人看見「母慈女孝」的畫面,定會誤會我仨關係良好,感情深厚。353Please respect copyright.PENANAkAyH2BYgo2
353Please respect copyright.PENANAoZ6IvDS6Rq
整個探訪過程,媽咪沒能吐出片言隻字:她的喉嚨受惡菌感染,非但沒能進食固體食物,甚至失去語言能力。353Please respect copyright.PENANA6gYhSALL9q
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不得不承認,我賤格。表面和藹謙恭,底裡毒如蛇蠍。我幻想,如果二十年前的媽咪已失去語言能力,我會否仍生活在這個家,是個千依百順的好女兒?353Please respect copyright.PENANATn1HHgLOZg
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兩小時後,媽咪倦極入睡。阿妹要我先離開病房,在門外等候她。353Please respect copyright.PENANAk6cdsfu4hx
353Please respect copyright.PENANADixPJj1kce
甫踏出房門,我與阿姨碰個正著。353Please respect copyright.PENANArpiIb8haCK
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死八婆!若非她當年在旁煽風點火,我和家人的關係未必會破裂收場。353Please respect copyright.PENANAGGZLBo1y2H
353Please respect copyright.PENANARyc1Qa3MAB
「我就是知道你會來。」阿姨擺出料事如神的姿態,以冷峻目光掃視我全身:「很缺錢吧?」講完莫名其妙的一句後,她掏出一張支票予我。「你的報酬。」353Please respect copyright.PENANALOnMJ45AJk
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我沒有立即接下,思疑她在打甚麼鬼主意。353Please respect copyright.PENANAXUt8F9bVc0
353Please respect copyright.PENANAsNtt4V5Prk
湊巧,阿妹從病房出來,看見我和阿姨在門口僵持,立即上前解釋事情因由:「我沒有告訴她關於支票的事。」353Please respect copyright.PENANAsA6p7GMgcg
353Please respect copyright.PENANAZRXQavJMDY
「你的意思……她不是為錢而來?」阿姨拿著支票的手緩緩垂下。353Please respect copyright.PENANAlriORysMsu
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「嗯。」受壓於阿姨的強勢,適才不慍不火的阿妹怯怯點頭。353Please respect copyright.PENANAiDbwcZjGKZ
353Please respect copyright.PENANAcZ4acgMuvB
「那麼……」阿姨猶豫了半晌,最終還是決定將猜忌放進問題裡。「你為何而來?」353Please respect copyright.PENANA02Ltzcu8CV
353Please respect copyright.PENANAoHRAmj74DT
「出於對老人家的憐憫和惻隱。」我胡謅,強裝正氣凜然。其實我未曾細想自己為何而來。353Please respect copyright.PENANA6XZlTKUGGW
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「很好。可以省掉。」阿姨有意無意地將支票在我面前晃來晃去。逗狗似的。353Please respect copyright.PENANAZQ6FrazEAE
353Please respect copyright.PENANAc5Mq9DYpZg
「如果沒有別的要事,我先離開。」我選擇了忍耐。
醫院外的大路上,人不多,三三兩兩的。探病的、求醫的、久病初癒的、迴光反照的。我屬於哪種?該是「半死不活的」:情況沒有差得要死,卻怎也活得不好。353Please respect copyright.PENANAAFSLfZXW2u
353Please respect copyright.PENANAFGCGiQkMtD
缺錢?工作不順利?與丈夫婚姻不和諧?與子女有代溝?統統不是。353Please respect copyright.PENANAopSwCcID8W
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僅是純粹的不快樂,若有所失。353Please respect copyright.PENANAw7SNGtZjNg
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每當我感到幸福時,記憶就會成為粘粘的漿糊,將我黏在內心的缺口上。353Please respect copyright.PENANA3ZqjC5RatZ
353Please respect copyright.PENANADy6R7df8Ms
「等……我……」阿妹的聲音從後傳來。353Please respect copyright.PENANAg7GZNVOfyK
353Please respect copyright.PENANAB5FydT8fKC
我佯裝聽不見,加快腳步,務求撇下腳踏三吋高跟鞋的她。353Please respect copyright.PENANABaDj5EC8LH
353Please respect copyright.PENANARxxLmzqILf
「家姐!」豈料阿妹不顧儀態,高呼大叫,吸引途人們的目光。353Please respect copyright.PENANAcIcX8Cs2S7
353Please respect copyright.PENANAK44Dz4URLw
我的雙腳不自已停下來。353Please respect copyright.PENANALNsAAzIJjX
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不消十秒,氣喘如牛的阿妹跑到我身邊來:「謀……殺……嗎?」353Please respect copyright.PENANAdWEDF93JVt
353Please respect copyright.PENANAXb368P9lXS
我鐵著臉,沒意欲跟她開玩笑。「那張支票,是誰的主意?」353Please respect copyright.PENANAEqHrPwjYM4
353Please respect copyright.PENANANBpq7Xcl8J
「媽咪。」阿妹不敢正視我雙眼:「她覺得你會拒絕到來。」353Please respect copyright.PENANAQXz5w6UOwH
353Please respect copyright.PENANAyJEKSDHDGG
「你們仍舊認為我是嫌棄家境窮困而離開嗎?」我本不欲重提舊話,奈何我忍不住要再次辯解。353Please respect copyright.PENANAi3BF5Cdm7V
353Please respect copyright.PENANAHudQECkIww
「我們想不到其他原因。」阿妹的答案隱含委屈。353Please respect copyright.PENANARWkkC0FdLQ
353Please respect copyright.PENANAE48ceGQHK6
「我從不認為我們家境窮困。」我氣得開步走。353Please respect copyright.PENANABmqqh2GcmS
353Please respect copyright.PENANAIQ6w7ffVaJ
阿妹連忙拉住我的衣袖,轉換話題:「有興趣跟我和阿姨吃晚餐嗎?我們會與你討論遺產事宜。」353Please respect copyright.PENANAXIzkzDogn9
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「沒有。」我乾脆利落地拒絕。353Please respect copyright.PENANAOvMhmoSXjr
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「僅僅一頓便飯而已。」阿妹屢敗屢試。353Please respect copyright.PENANA690CxtyTzG
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「不了。」我稍稍施力甩開她的手。「你倆把錢分掉吧。無需通知我。」353Please respect copyright.PENANAHOn8Gkndq2
353Please respect copyright.PENANAQIGQHfPmFT
「我會轉告阿姨。」世故的阿妹知道我在顧忌誰。「但你可以和我一起晚餐嗎?只是我跟你!」353Please respect copyright.PENANAERSUSfQare
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我意識到這是她最後一次的邀約,再也講不出拒絕的說話,迷迷糊糊地與她並肩而行,行到醫院附近的咖啡店。她為我點了抹茶蛋糕和朱古力砂冰,聽聞是鎮店之寶。353Please respect copyright.PENANAWDJFzQgmpy
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我嚐了一口。353Please respect copyright.PENANAsX7UbGfPvw
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甜得要命。353Please respect copyright.PENANAm3GQCDbisb
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「你是否不再喜歡吃甜品?」阿妹從我的難受表情找到端倪。353Please respect copyright.PENANA6ZVrNvogD8
353Please respect copyright.PENANApuv5vjEwdQ
我傻傻點頭,驀然記起自己曾經是個無甜不歡的傢伙,對咖啡店的精緻甜品更是愛不釋手。353Please respect copyright.PENANAFJ9VlD8Lxl
353Please respect copyright.PENANAEx4xI1azMV
「我對你的印象停留在二十年前。」阿妹眼裡盡是懷緬。「溫柔的、膽小的、笨笨的家姐。」353Please respect copyright.PENANA82zkB8mP21
353Please respect copyright.PENANAYoqDhvPvWh
「我自問從不是溫柔的傢伙,純粹是害怕開罪別人而假裝溫柔;我不是膽小的,至少我比你更有離家出走的勇氣;我不是笨笨的,起碼我有能力比你更先離開。」我努力提起叉子,再嚐一口蛋糕。很難吃。353Please respect copyright.PENANAEjL2DSfpod
353Please respect copyright.PENANAsTyGTUNCSK
「難怪你要走。」阿妹噗嗤假笑,表情苦澀得複雜。「我們自以為了解你、明白你,不明白何以你最後竟捨棄我們……」她那握叉的手重覆戳向蛋糕,直至它成漿成糊。353Please respect copyright.PENANAAXy9dcceoc
353Please respect copyright.PENANAtNgYlNkCup
「其實我也不了解你們。至少,我沒有想過你們會利誘我來探望媽咪。」我苦笑搖頭:「我理解他們何以會不明所以。」由始至終,我在意的人只有阿妹。「你呢?你比他們更了解我的處境!別以為我不知道你當時同樣想走!」353Please respect copyright.PENANABlVvlwGGAF
353Please respect copyright.PENANA233PUVBOzr
「你終於承認當時是知道我的想法!」被我戳到痛處,阿妹失儀地將叉子擲在碟上。金屬叉子碰瓷碟,有如我的話碰她的心,發出響亮而清脆的碰擊聲。353Please respect copyright.PENANAkxDVypPGVc
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「為何你不帶我走?我日盼夜盼,盼望你會聯絡我,帶我走。在意識到你不會帶我走時,我又開始催眠自己,說你遇到意外,說你被壞朋友騙了,說你尚未安頓下來……我不知道該要怎麼辦!353Please respect copyright.PENANAJzR2yQMw4j
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我有很多很多問號!353Please respect copyright.PENANALa5Qa6y18A
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我不明白你的想法!我不清楚自己在你心目中的位置!我不明白為何我要為你編作解釋!我不明白為何我信任的人會拋棄我!我不肯定自己能否負擔起整個家!明明是我倆的共同責任,為何我要獨自承受?」353Please respect copyright.PENANAZMoiTeB5d0
353Please respect copyright.PENANAhSqL9XETcp
「因為你是壓垮我的最後一根稻草。」思緒千迴百轉,最終我決定長話短說,淡然將描述她揮金如土的萬字怨言吞回肚子去。353Please respect copyright.PENANAJstoCoNJnb
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霎時間,阿妹答不上話,直視我雙眸,似是觀察我的表情,希望能夠從中找出一絲歉疚,亦似是在乞求我大開金口,施捨半句道歉話。353Please respect copyright.PENANAugloS18txT
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可惜,我沒打算繼續在她的生命裡留下甚麼。353Please respect copyright.PENANAIAI7F5upU7
353Please respect copyright.PENANAgSLoZR9Cqa
「算了吧。」為打圓場,阿妹選擇口不對心:「反正我們以後不會見面,不需要執著彼此。」若果她真的能夠放下執著,適才就沒能細數她的痛苦點滴。353Please respect copyright.PENANABIBRnk5HzS
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「是的。」我釋懷一笑,放下叉,不再勉強自己清掉碟上的蛋糕。
用餐過後,我和阿妹公式化地道別,從此分道揚鑣。353Please respect copyright.PENANAW0Bu8tNPzz
353Please respect copyright.PENANAThpJ4ZYRMm
我看看手錶,晚上十時許。路人不多,疏疏落落的。黃光路燈斜照著路人們,照出多個長腿叔叔。故事中的長腿叔叔是個擁有美滿人生的紳士,現實中的我們卻是破碎殘缺的獨立個體。東一塊,西一塊,難以湊成一個家。353Please respect copyright.PENANA1Vqzb1hNWN
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需要感到遺憾嗎?無需要。353Please respect copyright.PENANAxHUsZlTS7D
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曾有感到遺憾嗎?曾有。353Please respect copyright.PENANAO6s6yceYCo
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會繼續感到遺憾嗎?不會。353Please respect copyright.PENANAEYlNQgpFod
353Please respect copyright.PENANAnwT2FubCYU
我慢步走向鐵路站。353Please respect copyright.PENANAmviPj3zuGZ
353Please respect copyright.PENANAtphH0gkd5a
慢慢的,慢慢的,有如二十年歲月一樣慢。漫長的二十年裡,我一步一步走過來,無數次踏在內心的缺口上。自以為腳掌會感受到缺口的虛空與不平,自以為低頭就會看見缺口的廣闊與無邊,自以為缺口會永遠存在。殊不知缺口已在不知不覺間被時間撫平。353Please respect copyright.PENANAwUkkENFdkz
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剛才我不是故意將不快記憶輕描淡寫,而是無論我怎麼努力去回想,所有細節都經已模糊不堪。最清晰的,只有我當年留下的那句話。353Please respect copyright.PENANABHiW5iEE7g
353Please respect copyright.PENANA0j6Wh67oFs
「這一句話,我會記上一輩子。」353Please respect copyright.PENANABl33NqrsTz
353Please respect copyright.PENANAahRZLLnEbE
簡單的十一個字,濃縮了多年的壓抑和不滿,是負面情緒的頂點。353Please respect copyright.PENANAH0b3RgysFU
353Please respect copyright.PENANAnTNhPZ1J0s
說話離開了唇角,繃緊的情緒失去支撐物,慢慢紓緩下來。由最無關痛癢的,至最為要緊的,一點一滴隨年月悄悄消逝。我忘記了誰講出讓我記上一輩子的說話,忘記了對話的內容,忘記了對話的前因……取而代之的,是能夠被握在手心的現在和能夠被觀望的將來。353Please respect copyright.PENANA03MlvdMKSQ
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我倏忽停下腳步,換個方向,走到便利店,買了罐冰凍啤酒。353Please respect copyright.PENANAFSkMOIkwL4
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為何仍清楚記得那份恨意?353Please respect copyright.PENANAvjBbZItm22
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我知道答案。353Please respect copyright.PENANA1QWEsY2kKx
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答案像啤酒。353Please respect copyright.PENANAkOEZupMv0F
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啤酒不是必需品,但我習慣在心情欠佳時喝啤酒。353Please respect copyright.PENANADJtO8mQSzr
353Please respect copyright.PENANAAaeR3TYThY
那份恨意不是必須存在,但我習慣了它的存在,習慣用它去概括描述我離家出走前的人生。久而久之,那份恨意就成了那段日子的代名詞。那段日子只有恨意,沒有願望,沒有七情,沒有喜好,遑論快樂。353Please respect copyright.PENANAJSryMdD9IU
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我將啤酒一飲而盡。空空如也的啤酒罐精準地落入垃圾桶裡。353Please respect copyright.PENANAl2cdWO6r4x
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若果我可以同樣將記恨習慣拋入垃圾桶,該多好!353Please respect copyright.PENANAL0VnNHhWW5
353Please respect copyright.PENANAOohHNskMJp
不要緊。給我二十一天,戒掉壞習慣。353Please respect copyright.PENANARFfR4uOuFY
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我保證,往後滴酒不沾,吋恨不記。