接到出版社新指令當刻,我意識到寫作生涯正要面臨終極考驗。在我面前僅餘兩個選擇:屈從或離開。253Please respect copyright.PENANAK3LkrUAC9d
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我笑,笑自己,笑自己毫不猶豫作出選擇——屈從。253Please respect copyright.PENANAfGWeuHTycI
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「好的。我會試從這方向去構思。」253Please respect copyright.PENANAn0QnKJY2hJ
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「不是試,而是必須依循這方向實踐!」253Please respect copyright.PENANASNq1TE5sY6
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「好的。」253Please respect copyright.PENANAK0u48R5UkD
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多聊幾句不著邊際的,編輯突然說要忙其他工作,我也識趣乖乖走出辦公室。253Please respect copyright.PENANAn8TztKvBqr
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在咖啡廳一隅找個僻靜位置,點一客蛋糕,要一杯咖啡,細閱悉才會面時寫下的筆記。253Please respect copyright.PENANAgDQFTPtbca
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嗯……該怎樣形容此刻感受?被否定?被看貶?被強逼?被侮辱?以上皆是。但我沒料到上述所有感覺綜合起來得出的結果並非「憤怒」,而是「無力」。253Please respect copyright.PENANA4rVmzj6IXc
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潮流,風潮的流動。流的,動的,變幻的。追上潮流就會成為大眾模楷,追不上潮流就會被淘汰。我明白這是自然不過的淘汰過程,所以無法生起憤怒。若說真要怪罪任何人,也只得怪責自己——我還未開明得敞開心胸拋下固有思維去順應潮流——可笑我沒有絲毫怪罪之意。253Please respect copyright.PENANAQwQ9HooaPU
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對於今日困局,我早有心理準備。253Please respect copyright.PENANAXV8TBbWo2W
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不過在發生當刻,無可避免覺痛。大半輩子的努力付出和個人信念被一下子全盤否定!一直以來支撐我孤身走來的精神支柱被一下子推垮!我還可以相信甚麼?我還可以依靠甚麼?253Please respect copyright.PENANA59Htygg7dw
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內心波濤洶湧,表面淡然幽雅。253Please respect copyright.PENANAkHUtNXjt7e
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既然過去和將來沒有必然因果關係,那就好好享受當刻這口蛋糕、這口咖啡。253Please respect copyright.PENANAZDG9ps30M9
家,書房。253Please respect copyright.PENANAGQSXRkl4Av
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開始鑽研編輯提供的清單上所有作品,看看時下作品有何熱門題材和成功因素。253Please respect copyright.PENANA0i1Is26qFA
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修仙、穿越、同人、BL、絕境求生、困獸鬥、對抗強權、自殺、權鬥、道德批判……題材五花八門,卻也萬變不離其中。基本元素仍是沿用多年以來最受歡迎的愛情、成長、友情、英雄主義、個人主義、諷刺現實,變的只是包裝手法(題材)或呈現方式(劇情必須極端、人物情緒起伏必須激烈)。253Please respect copyright.PENANAVAGe2YNam6
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這下子,我似乎明白了「甚麼」,心深處卻又抗拒這些「甚麼」。253Please respect copyright.PENANAAfK7uZa35k
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我放下資料,離開書枱,走到窗邊,倚窗抽菸。253Please respect copyright.PENANAWwsRaPQqfv
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嗯。獨居果然是個正確決定。爸媽受不了菸味,與他們同居只會悶死我。他們常唬嚇我說抽菸習慣會嚇走好男人。我對此一笑置之,沒有反駁——兩老將近七十歲,我沒可能單憑三言兩語改變他們活用幾十年的觀念。253Please respect copyright.PENANASNpbZqQKp0
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情況有如編輯的幾句說話沒可能扭轉我沿用多年的人生觀、世界觀、寫作觀。若說我不思進取、固執、老土落伍,我會承認,然後反問對方認為我該根據幾多人幾多意見去改變我的思維、活出我的人生才算得上積極進取、從善如流、新潮前衛。253Please respect copyright.PENANACEFpbHanPq
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相信對方會熱諷一句:「難怪你的作品賣不了!」253Please respect copyright.PENANAkOrasBptGo
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情況正如兩老常於親友飯聚場合當眾冷嘲:「難怪你嫁不了!」253Please respect copyright.PENANAy38xyBHAuH
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唉!感覺真糟糕,卻沒奈何。253Please respect copyright.PENANAU0xuol11Jf
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只得再來一根菸。253Please respect copyright.PENANAXuruwZezfw
動筆。253Please respect copyright.PENANA7daAoqt9CX
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主角沒頭沒腦掉入不知哪來的時空裂縫,進入神仙世界,與位列末席的異性神仙共同修煉,推翻殘暴不仁的天界首領。然後與己方戰友鬧翻,開始明爭暗鬥,爭權奪利,結果禍及人間,令長站道德高地的主角黯然退下,在人間結識天真無邪的凡女,情愫漸生。誰料昔日天界紅顏湊巧下凡,得知凡女與主角關係,醋意頓生,視凡女為情敵,施以毒手。主角同性摯友為免主角煩心,暗中保護凡女,卻不自已對主角生起愛意,向主角表白……寫得順暢,寫得精彩。253Please respect copyright.PENANAxSowZmtTNS
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完成作品後,我馬上發送電郵予編輯,內容簡潔直白:「我寫不了。請另找高明。」253Please respect copyright.PENANARNoNN1y6Hs
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刪稿,關電腦,將手提電話調至靜音。世界與我無關。253Please respect copyright.PENANAxiL4jR2hYI
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我卷縮被窩,無法入眠。253Please respect copyright.PENANA8qFcL9OHPW
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我在這世界存活幾十年,如今首次意識到自己與世界之間的矛盾何其激烈,而我自己對此又是何等無能無力無奈。253Please respect copyright.PENANAy6cyq6MSpK
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那種震撼令我忘記各種宣洩方法:哭、睡、逃避、傾訴、吃喝玩樂……253Please respect copyright.PENANA0kpOYXXjJZ
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整個腦袋幾近空白一片。253Please respect copyright.PENANAzgwFeBI1Nq
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各種情緒猶如乾沙,沒能被搓捏成任何形狀。若強行抓起沙子,沙子自然而然從指隙流走,掉落地面,散開、飛逸、無影蹤。253Please respect copyright.PENANAWNCgrJSdEI
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沒法子。253Please respect copyright.PENANAkn4mzGoMm7
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只得待時間為我整理混亂情緒。253Please respect copyright.PENANABheD9akywk
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正如只得待潮流將不思進取、固執、老土落伍的我淘汰。253Please respect copyright.PENANAzkhGYw9lpx