下班回家，淋浴。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO1uMwCmqNA
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBemEL0S5xq
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssbhRVFzGq
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡseZIYR5Ap1
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyi2N4P4hKK
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0m6QAzsG6
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0eSOZdS5nd
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC99x9YstGY
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8v6TV62jTd
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSlRiOsY0CJ
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI60JWFJnaY
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPyAtDl8oWk
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5F1KZtNucv
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDM3sYkPAwy
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyyokm74owN
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9wg7EmC7o
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPXWrFZ4MvM
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo3EG2dow7e
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYyKusImBuH
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡebiPS36iNe
啪——啪——858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr0o8hab4G1
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLKAm2l8q2
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhX08D2vh1T
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKOybAISxIC
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhoenzMpkbY
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1b86VC7vt0
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyBO42Ug9ef
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW78OgHm6Ep
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtIXTAjvsW7
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRWsUQGLmpk
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUoRtPVignE
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorYa0f8GK2
算了吧。沒所謂。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwowwvjEeot
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bLxSvyj6N
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvnjSRA8NtH
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHTwVj2fze5
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2BbKxLfi2T
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYPy4D80r7B
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrak6uIqdD0
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqSbCSiVY7D
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW9DKOiT2ti
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyeqzxkyg3M
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQXMl0KtclI
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQsFbpvn1ft
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSC8OHhFRWI
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWefXqw3MTp
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZAMlWsfUF
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7ZvullPYY9
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexBKoHz03l
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBmac2KzmGp
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx3N8PuWW2U
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1JBxCbED5L
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2N30rZLXsh
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPzunC5UC4u
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡocdPGdf2dv
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHpSfLut40
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNcqUosCnd
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡULLcVC838z
我頭也不回開門離家。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7ncsMcsBw
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBqRBhnj92
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDdDZbVXnO
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡobE9fvDmea
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBhEizbTjzh
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzDUrQDO6c
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSbq2V9eNjE
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTK5y4HYiwq
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDVIUGvWwTS
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyiKBrXPDw3
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6RLFgsOp3W
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSYe3Wfz2O4
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVTt3IUMRFc
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOFGjbGa4a
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaybfYOZsRa
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhmTChhP4Wb
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRGan3wk2Rj
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpKB7aHzHc9
「你不開心？」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPP1aMhleDC
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmh9qYtl0in
「是的。但與你無關。」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwjxyGuK1aR
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6siBLUrax
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKwzC9zznBo
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvAWJgVHLVH
「還有菸嗎？」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpOU6qDRCEC
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe74CHx5b05
「有。」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8sqYb15c9Y
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡePi4l9vRZA
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkfxR0vjVRu
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9G5PVxIFbM
「俊仔還好嗎？」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8WG1BL5Mmt
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhRgiwJ1eG
「與你無關。」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnZD1kiqwkn
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1MkbNTWPBe
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB6z1qSJdIy
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTzQO0E5wsc
我幽幽一笑。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRc8tZZdJKL
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv8XU0pkRYv
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfo02k9ifpe
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxsIuBYWfKS
「多少？我付！」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWa21qpeppL
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡowuRAh3Uow
「五萬七千五百元。」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnrwUoi6kvr
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡelTj9ZZsVl
「好！沒問題！小意思！」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcxuyFFsDT9
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhSiWWDzdu
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwLR5XhpM4B
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUpcJE1Yos
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCTXv1OTM96
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVbYkRiwAVE
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡySdUPO1qCx
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJtJmT9vg1
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6iuVE2lKJ
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsg9VsEznzI
「阿顧，對不起。」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2fsIQDozeT
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH875A0ullf
「道歉有屁用！」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAo6lLysmIE
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ56g74N6QDQ
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJK0wPrNLg6
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKVGsTJr4fB
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOoxRVoxuwD
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyT1tLurl0w
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFQ78s0xjyv
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlMxWNmHf0O
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKklTHAf4ed
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlUMS2fGjrd
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbDRNypfNpp
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJRNutAIZlB
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpehZEYdA7Y
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUua59HUkxO
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2q2R9o4Nzo
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJMsXwWjayb
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg4X3uNhpqM
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsg4WV5qpv6
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPO2uf1q0Ol
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtuvZCFxqx8
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXyFDXESsKT
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0XCHqzCDVc
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcIm2NNpRhr
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGQ8SH0isLN
我活該……我活該……我活該……858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLiCkSYxyOL
858Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdvuizIDRs
我如此催眠自己。
and then Add to home screen.