下班回家，淋浴。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOntbesFKRk
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEba3awAnn
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfKz7IffQc
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3JEFCsYDk9
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Fby4mk7Gt
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpE5gaSG0EG
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7fKl6D61sC
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbA0ME4uhXi
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Oee21CzNN
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6U1RSCTWNw
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5VwdC6eP66
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTgAadmwiU
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyUFAbbbl1t
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgXwE5hJgPb
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhoXFg2M1k4
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxoA7TntlTw
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRZVqjQmWg
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJ3ySu1Irh
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQr6k5VUAv2
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTBO7N2Ijk
啪——啪——522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKHGGLz0D8
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk59PsQygzG
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtndd5fpq8
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg7pboZSsNA
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdoisL4vQKi
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6YqFnp2Zjh
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRLI0SJtoP
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMCOYBKqYkG
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ77JZIbbzVl
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9OKmDDT2uS
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw8uqiWbzWx
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2G4DEqWsKi
算了吧。沒所謂。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgx328gM6IV
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaUa2uj9JKU
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH3jI0d57XI
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRAOSFNl26Y
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4jsUpfTkgW
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9yDEgeuDx
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ASqy7ykOL
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcJbIGW4rpF
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLvxUOz3CYC
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLZbyrQJx0
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡchE3bn6YmB
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsw8sUnkNgf
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0XXKXcMgiq
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOvNQBe5Jxo
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3gbcda9xqh
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBLuwHomLM
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbSffLw4Z2
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjr8qnCgLet
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2zIzoQgv7b
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZKQKevqKh
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFE3e2qYDws
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWKhBbuQNsP
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTYRi7497AT
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaiHYhNX6ef
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYOz3ZMEYs
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkCjVpLACZy
我頭也不回開門離家。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfBuWOlOo3
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcCfWLgJF8A
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJg943ZcOy4
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lsYb1iNFe
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA35htjtiHE
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsLPAysbJO
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MuAYb723y
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0cXRg46gsI
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxGkffIJfGs
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtgvQnL3yK
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLBt6sV2Pl
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNaQGu0tjXl
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAgL0LUAgtA
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHtwLe6aSqS
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzDZVO8ZONg
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9W7R2jOfOW
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTg5lrfSzj2
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKvnv97KV3f
「你不開心？」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4gz46LMt5k
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyuwNWWtH7U
「是的。但與你無關。」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtq3HSxQIt
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmt8LGc8ezF
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXuhDqYEyle
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlkt78gXCR
「還有菸嗎？」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy8Z5P8tVm4
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡofR4rcMbQw
「有。」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQYgXFGaDtf
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJNoqDeNDU8
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCyJ1Kx8dCG
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmnBbe0j0on
「俊仔還好嗎？」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6gwfbEg0AH
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI6phfwRGNf
「與你無關。」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYAAwCqcG5j
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY6Wds4tZ9K
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIt4N6F85YN
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2oQHstm7g
我幽幽一笑。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa4wqRAi9jg
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq52gPHO7EG
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqXIeeKcbhS
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡez51oxyBvV
「多少？我付！」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJn7k4q1ZCG
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirtAhDmetg
「五萬七千五百元。」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlCd3QhXFvd
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOL9fURLcDQ
「好！沒問題！小意思！」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6TGgLYeMSi
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFx38igwdlh
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBaKaO4FHAn
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuC4WrNlxny
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡirbtHEUSCP
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqilEX8BMPX
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU8BwLNHeKm
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCGc9PyVU8D
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCOl5WKht6J
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ6vMhZN6qz
「阿顧，對不起。」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5W3LBUAJEd
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ089brmvG0u
「道歉有屁用！」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWObJtmDEyG
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBC8HD2Xk5
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1bowjKNu86
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdvO8CVQYun
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgMbbEENPSb
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL0c6cxIFE8
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxCNgjIfcW8
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxceXx14pwA
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzGXtYNnVu4
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs0CfCGcz3h
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSNqEIYmaeZ
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLrxByUGrNV
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYtB3bUlQB2
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnaD1OHO6YH
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD2TpFuMx01
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl9vceErH10
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf8d3c5V4Hj
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBsbvZNMbcr
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdmPepAmQfA
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSqItnlKlb7
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgJYuywPS0y
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpy8XEkE2Y
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIm9dvPlkSG
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSvgek3kqOo
我活該……我活該……我活該……522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡREbezvU41Y
522Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qnDqpda5o
我如此催眠自己。
然後按「加至主畫面」