下班回家，淋浴。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ38yYT7hhKc
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPqQ7s6N5fi
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJyTDzd8cG
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHDcvwfi4kW
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8GDrbP8N2w
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ujXkLXcDB
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcF71PsuNfA
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtkXkUp3TXD
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡInj6w1AFXL
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Ya4D3M9qV
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBz7oFqNyN
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7uoLkz0tT
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlez47coArR
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc6pvVBK1IL
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡefNnGagRFn
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLbBEf0TQuj
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlWnKwCBIqX
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQLPCweRGE4
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡosDmzjGSpj
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO9wiuAvSq8
啪——啪——565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOpFNXdz8jI
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5YRvkGW3Tx
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY2YJhhrSEQ
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAXYHD9nsFQ
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoGo5Hidw0c
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡscsODm0aT9
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDeHEE2HC5I
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkAQA9OnJGs
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwKCGEeRNz7
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL5M3J7Au2U
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSGZHkP09Az
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJsWwkvXWVq
算了吧。沒所謂。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6ioZkSJMT
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDeWK4atG6b
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGJvKJIe77E
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjOsaKCHYWE
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hlin1l3RP
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Et0hr2JQA
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAsyjn6tUz
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnGVaLtrGVW
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43vOAQraPU
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡue6yrDprab
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTu3GfJLggp
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxKwuqktMJ
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ13yh5jzMvi
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvAvQRb97X
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHo81ZxghAO
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS91Vpwn0r4
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcm2ylvd460
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3TLB9UW19k
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6ADfSm5658
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZrDvnxyKI
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkL2zTW9UZv
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCeiRZUK6SW
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqobic87pZw
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNMC96Xqzqm
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEpcmwE2Trp
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3BvkCu1gQm
我頭也不回開門離家。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVBo5Tsmbdc
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvaqzzkd1fa
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wEq2c7hwa
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGm6FNitMd
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPh3crt3DBy
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡorT3LaIOzo
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTo6Yp5Ew7I
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8tNxfwUx0c
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XF8AeHBIM
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV8nzqnSkEW
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLjk7ukZhzN
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2biP3R2Xq
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrdGr0GVGE2
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ271ufVhKwF
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZuuOiX8wrq
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIlQ5dLwYXX
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3DGLPc24jh
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYU0LT0J8Y
「你不開心？」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRQm33SAzZU
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE7bFkpWDxG
「是的。但與你無關。」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsvvHJ3CCEy
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTSCVyTjkSH
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0yxERlEvXN
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2R66hClsb5
「還有菸嗎？」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcGo5T526vN
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzls9TFC4L
「有。」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ4c7wwkL8h
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVSSOI9zyhs
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAOW6RrXxkz
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJqbhIJrS6f
「俊仔還好嗎？」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4N1niQIDGI
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuMapNbrY6h
「與你無關。」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ70r5JlXFlQ
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFaUsN6hJqw
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxX76cDc5VT
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPe9WhXcc9
我幽幽一笑。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqQSWH6edSW
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ26ilSr1M8R
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ64wrX3SrmS
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzmGnsM2dwj
「多少？我付！」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Weu5YBVWX
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnIejNsfgsP
「五萬七千五百元。」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqXjF0t7cIj
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsg71ULxBxH
「好！沒問題！小意思！」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoBMAe5fD2y
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZkB9nYUvbk
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcvafiVThVb
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiptN6aJ4IQ
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡB8aaEgbexz
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIPGvnlipxv
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd7b5NTI8qB
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FGfCP8CIB
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd17WpgOqnu
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡml1GqhEEEl
「阿顧，對不起。」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzjSfyuM6QM
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2C7912xZM3
「道歉有屁用！」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7NRUWoznYS
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4bP6DfZjZF
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqeQkxh6fgL
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjluxDj3N8Y
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXvAZ9Ycms6
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOq73iHKYvg
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZr93xuQhpn
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4SdaxJ61ND
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNL2g87zAx
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Qu73nwkTT
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhcrseSAWw3
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1kvoDW7fx
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLouXhJgDo
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBda8RTm5Lw
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKHJIsfo5ya
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk94fyAicQb
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvF2ahOvvy9
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT0s5FXO76W
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xVrHRblwD
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiUmSPR9FfL
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8WnXHSUXIA
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSSNie1j2fp
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3NTmPL9rCi
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60hJlvk0bn
我活該……我活該……我活該……565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIMF17lGDoL
565Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmBpBlUy58K
我如此催眠自己。
然後按「加至主畫面」