下班回家，淋浴。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyq5i5Ij7Rq
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18oAEmSR12
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡecgfCKvO8o
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ34YUCbXDJO
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9yA09utb2
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqvi3wPjX3l
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsS4DtxLsRt
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡocyotM8ncD
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgpyJ4Wr9Qz
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc5Nb5rhycX
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0HJPNAk397
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqIXTNVHwp5
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3t9wLa3ELR
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVDCEtvXlG
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8oxRjncqDp
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuyGaJOA8iX
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy328rkNhXr
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFOQapRotja
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV3JigeZrgu
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTehfCjNK6
啪——啪——618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIQrHjDsEVl
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVhgyhvPXkP
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4cHpk9gek
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtvE5EYxLRL
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1fN2ruWmB
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCpFGcvmJhC
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPE97RM5iD
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDtrwyCtii6
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18WoMq4A6F
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQsRiJa9Eoy
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPvflnEQimI
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVOKM0IzQN
算了吧。沒所謂。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ46bf3iYpie
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj9zauui4LY
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2OJ05xaP7Q
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv9og488izw
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlFFqYODnTi
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyB1iK0IrZ
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXldYKK8gLL
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSnY2cwWdN
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNQ3OujKad3
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFlRmsU9wWq
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbhqgB1m0aY
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOoLDD0KVHK
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6SHO4gN2gV
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt5ThW0ED1p
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJb6oKdZKpr
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYeUTFECBHZ
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGCgpKpJZm6
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu76smrfY8x
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDUvPc5mRBJ
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWzhnSAvirX
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqv3BN14ywq
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM1YZBOWVlt
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2xH7lGFqJ
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5eOZtAt7Qy
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMMxquZ8HK8
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Hny3jzsfV
我頭也不回開門離家。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCxhxRfjlPb
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOgb1QmW9xn
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBGS1ydwuf7
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs8IO8Tor2E
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdA4A92YDlv
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAiPpR9cjL
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWFnzTu1Kz
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxWbzct46At
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmgq5POTiAu
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmiGVvGZogS
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu0EGOMQyoT
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4nySat1Fjf
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ01MMyKGd0q
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8YZNXGkK4N
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPtEsrF18a2
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU2h9pMAdDd
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAIIY3ZLFM0
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡChdo5K9trZ
「你不開心？」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7TLp35ThTK
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzkQPczpCI
「是的。但與你無關。」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIYgFgwcQ78
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYwgm4fJeRJ
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiSgaUsiCPJ
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaGQR0lRUoo
「還有菸嗎？」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Z7QMNAgjM
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjkKfz9Ynlr
「有。」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlehuy0EuOi
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZxGiOML6V
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGVE5F7ilCy
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ35D9tqUAuB
「俊仔還好嗎？」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHCnu0qSPE
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7nl27Kk9cj
「與你無關。」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwibESF3GTX
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJ3h88yTwP
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTq9lgrd40
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNLLr7AS3lL
我幽幽一笑。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZsCPnYa72d
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvy0HV51cOO
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ5vMBxMpBT
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1PmtveW5Tz
「多少？我付！」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg1tY6begMX
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMoaZqLWfMi
「五萬七千五百元。」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOB7fcq5l9d
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tQv9Q2gWT
「好！沒問題！小意思！」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLv20Togu31
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs3I5SThV8j
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj1e9xPkMkf
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiiaIDdwGXd
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrpPn4Z0Sx3
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7E2y79kEoI
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ07hm88cdZO
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH2PBoYxevh
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡztFmOqKYBz
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡewMJDGWXSM
「阿顧，對不起。」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhoQn40NGgm
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6FJCbo2dF
「道歉有屁用！」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC8TO0zkAgV
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLCsAM3lNKt
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5GnAjFEG9
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVExiEaUptl
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvvIlNLtI9e
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdtYy5jEJB
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGUOmH4bCq1
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvcfnNqPR3j
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBAhU7vMzpo
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOIb2qC7viD
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ZS7W6RLNE
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOyw7DsChO
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOkM6ZU8wae
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHGSi69xSX
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD2FyXwm92V
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4wkrJfdjKN
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXlv9tHrHnt
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1M6vLkrELU
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssAxagEvC7
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQDHqhLg2Sk
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJB0B5YJ0wM
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5E9hwvhhpZ
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ45UidNXurj
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLUTDrdMf1
我活該……我活該……我活該……618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcOgPOtfyQW
618Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBh8AU44ilu
我如此催眠自己。
然後按「加至主畫面」