下班回家，淋浴。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPzAng4q7Q
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZegRuWCHtw
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhx8sbTrczn
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2EtA9DQujH
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqk64eO81Vf
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6uWYS72J9M
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmiYk4e7rMd
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmUdxH4pQSd
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEc53HoHFh
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡynVrWHondF
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ54fAthd84z
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QU1YhtK58
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeX3lLgujO7
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4T1Sk8TXZC
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4U750jPsaA
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsZACUZ61Wb
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpNMpCndID
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIAjWUjUW5p
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeb0FydYDGA
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5yjdV7HBLz
啪——啪——854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoU6wGJl2wk
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWyPGBrKoxR
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuHisytioTj
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9FaJM0LaUR
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRTYGqGZm4U
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIe0bdKRDnL
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX4rn8SZYRw
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLKuiaPak1T
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnJpmeoiiXw
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiyIMzK2Lql
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOPmIQbLM9q
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEtwRf18dq7
算了吧。沒所謂。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2umjgpqtd
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3T0k8KG1x
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡweGCSDavsC
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3lMEWEA9Ik
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnEQzoBcRI7
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvfa07dSx4a
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYHiFkgaCB
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF1mOEvUsry
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3BVUCO3DoD
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd4Ty31aUBZ
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPX9PqKg8F5
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDLtwnt1TP
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLxL9MCnxq9
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHGl0YRNv1
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDszIwJM8nh
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4LfAtBcUGU
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6yGuWg464t
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMn8RtZ4UnS
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZex6T0EJW
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSorVcyit33
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4B4uoz55mi
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ11pdps0p7Z
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOD8BMbjDaP
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3zsVcP6daM
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjYP0BXHKLz
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFpQCnVESz3
我頭也不回開門離家。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKRf3XUVmvZ
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyTRL27Bx2q
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGRCw1ruDdk
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzlwBgCboCi
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeLFlO0HJmo
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTsdg0RFwoh
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsMkdvxj7gt
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7pIKWBMlLZ
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBiPmccHC9
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHvcZWef0TI
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEQduSI9LlM
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOWEyxmJ2h2
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQQGhKqrDdV
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi9sLK8ALGq
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz6KS1wwcoY
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZOcQZPJ6XB
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlq0whWL5MS
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeyQQ1SycRB
「你不開心？」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQ6GSiZAvH6
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5FLvq92QW4
「是的。但與你無關。」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOkNbdnXh4
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYXDITY2Pzu
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRwtBPeZXUD
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0C9m6Zw8rK
「還有菸嗎？」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaUIKkztwcT
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwPMZYezU0O
「有。」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuoBPtdwWxi
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVhHFwBoVnH
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGNCqkYlaai
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQAzvyK48h9
「俊仔還好嗎？」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpfvd5unqTm
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVpvZIESYDu
「與你無關。」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3t8jFKfp9D
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEio6tQaEfY
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuzpP33gSCC
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlZVvxHTQ1e
我幽幽一笑。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx0jKB4ZGIc
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWPIfFsUlZS
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTZcdwZPfCW
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtd1oy4hBKR
「多少？我付！」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZjnAtilqod
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO3qvfabJvv
「五萬七千五百元。」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBPY3kgC9xL
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcUJT6TcT1G
「好！沒問題！小意思！」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbALfoCFFvM
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjs6c43sZuT
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8R1vPY2vDr
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM8TzQNVbsq
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1rZ1g7XQCC
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtG284BFMI
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRsPWKUpY47
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmlsgTLs0fF
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnrnA2MxBzr
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE1bnAL2Glz
「阿顧，對不起。」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7nwdhf7hMB
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkofdNJnIuH
「道歉有屁用！」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgju2h4lgX
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuIW67EgOPE
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBN2WSs6WHj
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnvFaWR5mzN
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtQNndEXVCm
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUAdKbkSW7e
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡc0P4KIclXv
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWTHFvV7Ho
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvmFIVvzolU
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO6CR7tUihf
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ttEKYsABi
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr25AfAn6XF
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2MyBJRJpmu
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡahLDWKXY8D
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqTTtUp7VQ
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7kMvXxgCQP
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuanObn66Dp
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuLRD1apznp
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCfqUGmknfb
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHrLqYiqDuL
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuZ4IpsFNFV
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7hYLh1neY9
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmuqY5V9dUP
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3bhxh2XAt6
我活該……我活該……我活該……854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr9PR6m8YMY
854Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEsihxJeYY5
我如此催眠自己。
and then Add to home screen.