下班回家，淋浴。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6MzA9Yw5J9
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSUmtuvO4zT
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQP7n3ZMrUb
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIpAPuht2vr
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5bSy9l7d9
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ97W64E3CEv
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN7mBqEokdb
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGkoW4wdlZd
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaN1SVazRV2
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6moDzVRbB
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUy298t94vE
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUHlLBE6JSp
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdPrKaKgg3g
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRYk7SL2lWW
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSSU3O0iH8m
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwNIULgYTvl
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzJF7WvMKDV
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPIVutpZUAw
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtlcMbHGtjX
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUPgNewcvuY
啪——啪——528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW4FX3aPA59
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4rb9FM9nx1
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm5eQc27Rvn
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp2pGH2sJ7W
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd2xFRBYahh
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7oyEVF1a1
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjcnwxEfJyS
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlkbhvtst6D
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2eUoLi8EXD
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfYJcjTfIop
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS4R2WyG6RL
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvIhPpp8V7j
算了吧。沒所謂。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmLRO8Wd7wZ
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTTfrXP6SB
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIC1IoYpMN
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBjaj5oSfen
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUyrIXA01q5
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHfPyQxVywT
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7LrZX6KHNd
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaOlVMizbqw
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl6Rr58OjTK
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡknhtFjpS08
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXMt8Z8RvIB
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHepll8rAnA
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡETMhBSZbkN
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6PA01iHNd
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeSKLBTDu5Y
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGaAAL7nbpc
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcVrAxxVeSG
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5BRhqJ4QpG
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwwLPxgVjs
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9lfR0Whh8
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvgpsKIlIx0
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD1N0Bf5oke
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLJASX03QI
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ83hljRsWo6
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXW8JPjJn3A
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVqg7u9sQUR
我頭也不回開門離家。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrqPgYJa5rs
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPOwSrGcWzH
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmCOwPmdmfa
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv0RyMCPPdX
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCzASOSNxdE
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq2UnqMD4GB
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBLkcbJdRkk
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg2Jy0Hb5yn
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6E57V240KW
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlbmYmOZZa7
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfsoyhowVm
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZZ3CIWhtXh
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEXpuXqW1R2
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSeivMhfjIc
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHri055aEX0
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO7m2qzM1WO
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2m8wBpyOJF
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj1YELzRsu0
「你不開心？」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2pQwF6lUaQ
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZdgplR9qbP
「是的。但與你無關。」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMRldBv89U
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQlpgvRbNv7
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmsRPLMb7L3
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWoAfH2jLQB
「還有菸嗎？」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjVhJ554f5J
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmHc3B2Uoqs
「有。」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxT23MDLaQo
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU3QEwQGhSF
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUmhZBgnCHh
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFl8CLuDdDm
「俊仔還好嗎？」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI8UHc8TZ6R
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ5cU4bn5me
「與你無關。」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFI5PYzpGwx
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiwe0DdD39
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD6mw58NThj
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJiVBoJYFe
我幽幽一笑。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjhAH00cus8
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1E3IpQR2I1
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYnS9jXXQs
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfKqLcQ2VaL
「多少？我付！」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPfDrqxnKX6
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRcmFLCDA73
「五萬七千五百元。」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4xJdHvL4LL
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdTc5vLvSi9
「好！沒問題！小意思！」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSx3OMPkJCx
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVYi5lKNOTr
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDYRPCA2OjW
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeLwYuqdWvY
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnVKpH56IDm
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqOvodHeDo9
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5OhQDCLoMu
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6nQfyYQLad
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrSnTnfMy6y
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIwzNgcSzWt
「阿顧，對不起。」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG9KQ9Q0hnT
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuB1WTmrVD1
「道歉有屁用！」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3ykP0DuYLT
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3VlHhhxCug
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ozGKTAZEK
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX26mvv6ati
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1YtWTV3R6
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPnASDq4a8x
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdIqO8JqTs
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGz6wtt6Qlj
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡauIAZglIYH
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hGckTazYE
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF4DLr7Be9J
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4ecgRfGINg
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsGOJteFyiy
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnEpcPmfODY
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ12HO0oA40T
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKzLklhWZDN
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvFmsDyQbNg
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnV7NH1D7uZ
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5112zsXGrC
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgnQDf5TnJx
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Q54Fl2ZO4
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLFZuP4qOVl
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRlWsWdu4ZY
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeiKWwtmnnM
我活該……我活該……我活該……528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWN9lZbEl4
528Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7CtByQGJaL
我如此催眠自己。
然後按「加至主畫面」