下班回家，淋浴。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgtw4oCkpQu
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0KvemUZD0r
我站在花灑頭下享受熱水的溫度和洗頭水的香氣，目光卻分心瞄向鑲嵌牆身的全身鏡。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0hYIZ9igcJ
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3LOW0UAxcL
今天，同事開玩笑嘲說我滿身肥肉，我笑勸他別對四十歲的女人太苛刻。哄堂大笑。聽著歡聲笑語，我沒法再欺瞞自己——我的確十分介意！548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuRHlbMhvXb
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6q9xX1Suhh
鏡子慢慢被蒸氣罩上一片模糊，我窮目亦只見一團啡黃色的色塊。像油炸過度的麥樂雞雞塊，也像兒子俊仔所講的亞古獸。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ60FaXWK4ou
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5nOqtcsvlY
「亞古獸……」我憶起俊仔給我展示過的亞古獸圖片，不由得傻笑起來：「要沾甜酸醬……」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFW5vSjGwRq
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡov4qQ0JICd
沐浴後，我和俊仔及阿美開始用餐。阿美是我妹。我跟前夫離婚後，阿美就搬來與我和俊仔同住，替我照顧俊仔。俊仔很喜歡阿美，會夾餸菜給她，但不會夾給我。我心裡不是滋味，但我不打算告訴他阿美就是前夫當年的外遇。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrzHq2rKL8b
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡo7J9bhQZaN
若問我為何可以如此大方，可以將破壞我婚姻的人留在身邊，照顧我的兒子，耳聞目睹兒子愛她甚於愛我？因為現實。現實是我需要工作賺錢，現實是阿美是我唯一可倚靠的人，現實是我沒有介意的本錢。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUcqRabX7Tv
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwxpZbh5Xkw
飯後，俊仔做功課，阿美洗碗，我躲在浴室抽菸。叼著菸，我不自禁再次盯著全身鏡裡的自己——啡黃的膚色，方長的臉，矮肥的身材——像我爸，又像亞古獸。我驀地想起甜酸醬，然後想起阿美。人如其名，阿美的確長得美。她像媽，五官精緻，皮細肉嫩，玲瓏浮突。換著我是男人，我也會選擇阿美……548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK9cIJMYozs
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv7vi35q34A
恨不來。根本不知道該恨誰？恨阿美太漂亮，恨前夫好色，抑或恨自己像亞古獸？548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZyqLvckhFr
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaaId2JeI8h
我笑了：我真的很像亞古獸。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lbsg39fiK
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJf1RNleU1u
啪——啪——548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡelcFPbbQP4
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNjBvR3sHjP
「媽咪！我肚痛，要大便！」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjPD1gbbDVJ
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuM2G8bKaEL
我匆匆將菸屁股丟入座廁，沖水。我離開浴室，看見俊仔早已肚痛得臉色發青，一股勁兒衝入浴室去。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZwcijtaHeT
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm6RfJftYvF
「媽咪！菸味很臭啊！」俊仔隔門抱怨。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhyBEOx8KR
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiB3pBwrgWS
「你的大便也很臭呢！我老遠也嗅得到！」阿美代我反嘲。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3O7apzSDqQ
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfV9IvaATB
我望望阿美，苦笑，笑他們像極兩母子。阿美也對我報以微笑，但我不知道她到底是明白我的想法，或是純粹笑俊仔傻氣。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0ryASUqr8J
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxMO2Mt33mo
算了吧。沒所謂。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVDd01kDPar
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkC6iunRaRR
我和她閒聊幾句不著邊際的，然後回到睡房去。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSiuTtobCEa
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJgjejknoFq
該要睡，想要睡，卻偏偏沒能入睡。太多瑣事在心頭。同事、肥肉、麥樂雞、亞古獸、甜酸醬、俊仔、阿美、前夫、香菸、大便……香菸很臭，大便很臭……548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPfcNzWpHp
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJxX2nihmvN
我傻傻笑了：很無聊，怎麼我滿腦子只有這些無聊的東西？548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv236sEXD7b
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt4wsSi9h6M
不夠累嗎？我需要累得讓腦袋沒力氣去想這些無聊的。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Vq32C97pg
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe3xoPaQaed
我更衣換褲，套上波鞋，打算到附近的海濱長廊散步。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvRq37G4B3a
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡA3Kd1f9mlJ
「姐，買菸嗎？」阿美從俊仔的睡房探頭出來。這個時間，她正在為俊仔檢查功課。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzlNy1WXdXC
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrEped3HKpc
「對……要買菸……」我撒謊——明明衫袋裡還有半包香菸。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡarZjjrodSC
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7xDTF4KdSG
「不如讓我去吧。你工作了一整天，需要好好休息。」阿美滿臉疑惑，似乎察覺到我的不對勁。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX3nq26Tq0P
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1g2mcrmYd
「不了……我自己去就可以……」我沒有回望她。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnKYSgjQu1w
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCrB5VcbcGn
「姐，我……」也許是基於內疚，阿美一直努力助我打理家頭細務，包括夜半買菸。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqJLKQF21Py
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSkWjE2S06h
「我說——不！」我加重語氣，拉長字音，滿腔怒火不言而喻。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEeF7pRPR8C
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡONTiCxiLJy
阿美呆了，霎時沒法應對。俊仔似乎聽到廳中的異樣，探頭察看。他望我的眼神帶有怒意，彷彿已判定我在欺負阿美……548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Y1hRTBO1l
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhXL4XUdTIR
我頭也不回開門離家。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDME03UlS9Z
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡouz4hV8xvF
夏夜，海風濕重，翳侷悶人。岸有燈火，海浪微盪，從多個度折射著黃光白光，閃閃爍爍。我的目光縱然停留在海面，卻無法捕捉任何一抹波光。我邊行邊放空，越放空越見混亂。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4yGSfzL8cJ
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq8Nn545Dx0
我憑欄抽菸，抽得很兇，不欲再理會臭味或是甚麼其他的。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwk1tDZUwjm
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiT3N6sMSZG
這是專屬於我的寧靜。我要好好享受它……548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCitoyXKhSP
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDpXxpC0fkw
最後一根菸殆盡，指隙間突然空虛無限。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2iZygyPSna
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMTshaqqU0y
我不捨就此回家，奈何忘記帶銀包，無法買菸。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYzUthFIMRS
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU6aBxVwN1k
「要菸？」一根香菸驀地從左邊伸至我面前。是前夫。聽聞他跟我離婚後經歴幾次搬遷，不過兜兜轉轉還是在同一地區。這地區說不上大，也算不上細小，但要在街頭偶遇是有一定難度。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2uuzsrV5av
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGrUL6hClZ6
因著這次稀罕難得的偶遇，我決定接過香菸。正要掏出打火機時，他又識趣地主動為我點菸。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgofmeRV2nz
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIVSkFDoF76
「怎麼了？突然那麼體貼？」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBrQTvVJx1p
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOxJVPT2lvg
「你不開心？」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDGlINVAu7y
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHnn19jikYR
「是的。但與你無關。」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmZiVuLeB6O
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeNQUAB0xwu
面對帶刺的話，前夫沒趣地倚欄遠佻對岸，默默待我享用完整根香菸。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPi2UZJEWlA
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbOu67MLJN
「還有菸嗎？」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUQBlU6b52
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPgB7QIS6i2
「有。」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh5Z1Dhfr9K
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhVZZ4nzYJc
前夫再次遞菸、點菸，但他沒有繼續保持沉默。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrao56oSUQ
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBUFuT4fgzA
「俊仔還好嗎？」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNWpef1tKR
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJifRqZ7cBn
「與你無關。」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmybT3MXy7j
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡis8Zl4kpDb
「即使我跟你離婚了，我依然是俊仔的爸。」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwaH2JiApQa
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnrMXls61J5
我幽幽一笑。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7l3XvqhOJW
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSsczJBLsJO
「俊仔的爸啊！俊仔希望在接下來的暑假參加交流團，但我騰不出費用。」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHm2LgJazI
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAKEbDZASQp
「多少？我付！」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6QT9k7DcYk
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWrO0qxwe6o
「五萬七千五百元。」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFAx3Pv4mYK
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKaNR8CIg2Q
「好！沒問題！小意思！」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrQFHlK3tRk
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOa9bK78MYC
在毫無心理準備下被戳中痛處，我的眼淚一下子𣽽了出來，再也止不住。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT1eU9t8vm3
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSUyVOtskhv
「怎麼……我的天大難題……對你……只是小意思……」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡx6CBrziIf3
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFkL04da2Bo
「別傻、別傻！我順口講講而已……那筆錢對我而言絕不是小意思……但也說不上『天大』難題……」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsevOrDrVHy
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBzV21zRrS0
「為何……做錯的是你們……受苦的人……卻是我……」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMC0dYSukb
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb5vbgHa9wT
「阿顧，對不起。」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVttuXqAq6W
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ29RxJPqLqi
「道歉有屁用！」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrb3wsdKGIc
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNtoXxF57T1
「既然你認為道歉無用，那我就送你一個承諾——日後你遇上甚麼麻煩，也請找我幫忙，我會盡力幫助你。」548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZi3efDpcj2
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ13ZdfqoO9G
雖然沒能繼續以夫妻之名一起生活下去，但我相信他：我清楚他的脾性，他真的會竭盡所能兌現承諾。當下問題是我能否接受、是否介意……不，該說是我有沒有拒絕和介意的本錢。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbdZWSnFyH
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb4WMFadztI
如果我不是急需用錢，我早已彈指將菸屁股射向前夫的臉；如果我不是需要有人幫忙照顧俊仔，我早已將阿美趕出家門；如果我不是知道為人母親之責任，我多麼想就此棄下俊仔，展開更自由自在的新生活！548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ZI80ZOrOO
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaaZvNzHatA
可惜，世界從沒如果，只有因果。既然我誕下了俊仔，我就要必須對他負責——為了他，我不得不向現實低頭。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ0YksxduEE
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwG5uMbrM1j
「你為俊仔籌謀那筆款項吧。我實在沒有辦法。」我心不甘情不願，卻沒奈何。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡutJo3JfDV1
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi5NH8EN0sU
「好！等我好消息！」前夫笑得很燦爛，似是找到贖罪的方法，以後不需背負罵名。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYZGjVZcyok
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwWv6l1BSu4
我跟前夫揮手道別，然後慢步回家。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLx9Ahc1Kc
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWEiTvge3ko
嗯……怎麼形容呢？平靜如水，所有情緒消散無蹤。沒有比剛才更難過，因為悉才低頭一剎已是頂峯。此刻腦袋裡再次塞滿無聊東西，甚或是比之前更無聊的。童年時與鄰座同學爭吵的片段、結婚前跟老媽到寶蓮寺拜大佛時的長長石級、兼職時拾到一個十元硬幣……細細碎碎的，散亂零落的。548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡi8ZCT9o3XY
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡylMoicd81a
忽爾完全失去抽菸的欲望。解釋不了，亦不需解釋，反正是個很不錯的改變。如果我沒有沾上抽菸惡習，也許省下來的錢足夠俊仔參加幾次交流團，自己亦不需向前夫求助……548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEoLitiXfo
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoHVLvqqvx0
我淪落至此，自己或多或少該要負上些許責任吧……548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngoziRKhBT
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv2mw1xORxu
既然是自己的錯、自己的選擇，也就是活該，也就沒甚麼好抱怨……548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAs5qgf607U
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCbI80D0O2g
我活該……我活該……我活該……548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblcALoGidY
548Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSxQmw1BgZa
我如此催眠自己。
然後按「加至主畫面」