
戰爭爆發前,我是一名平凡學生。生於平凡家庭,接受平凡教育,抱有平凡夢想——我希望長大後可以當愛情小說家。部份朋友取笑我,為何特別指明要「愛情」小說家?認為我是男生,該要寫懸疑奇情或是家國情懷題材之類的。我笑答男人女人都是人。338Please respect copyright.PENANABucahD83KU
338Please respect copyright.PENANAE6jfxE9cri
距離畢業禮尚有一星期,會場裝飾已然準備完成。工作人員、表演隊伍、學生代表、典禮司儀都勤加綵排,希望一切做到盡善盡美。可惜我們永遠無法參加期盼已久的畢業禮——戰爭在畢業禮舉行前三日爆發。338Please respect copyright.PENANA3i3eAZJFM0
338Please respect copyright.PENANAfnTGDRrOwu
我和同學們已屆十八之齡,徵兵名單清楚羅列大家名字。當然,名單上還有父親和大哥的名字。母親當場哭暈,父親默默抱起母親到睡房休息。向來多話的大哥沉默良久,驀地抬頭對我說要跟朋友道別,會盡快回來。我霎時間反應不來,呆呆目送他背影遠去。338Please respect copyright.PENANAfdTj92Khed
338Please respect copyright.PENANA4cPF1d0PQT
父親回到客廳時,發現大哥離家外出,不禁大驚,擔心他逃跑。我轉述大哥的話以作解釋。父親聞言,眉頭鎖得更深:「朋友……是女生吧?」338Please respect copyright.PENANA6IVCE0HOEI
338Please respect copyright.PENANAreD5NeVduh
我恍然大悟,垂頭無語。
由於前線人手嚴重短缺,我等新兵訓練不到一個月就被派上戰場。338Please respect copyright.PENANAtM7uIueKZZ
338Please respect copyright.PENANArzeSSZqo5w
同船一位資歷較深的陌生大叔私下教導我:「如果害怕得腦袋一片空白、不知道該要怎麼辦的時候,就要看看資深戰友怎麼做:戰友撤退,你就要撤退;戰友進攻,你就要進攻。」我似懂非懂點點頭。338Please respect copyright.PENANAUtbX0BPLt2
338Please respect copyright.PENANAY3Jl1sOUIS
小船未至岸邊,已然槍林彈雨,不少同船戰友身亡。我跟著幾個倖存戰友跳進水裡,以小船和屍體作掩體,盡量縮短離岸距離。我登岸時驚見海灘一片血紅,心頭頓時涼透大截,行動放慢半拍,與戰友失散。槍炮聲鳴響不斷,更是嚇得我魂不附體,腦袋一片空白……338Please respect copyright.PENANA06clpTA1oe
338Please respect copyright.PENANA3fCyDDyyJJ
「戰友撤退,你就要撤退;戰友進攻,你就要進攻。」大叔不知身在何處,但我清楚聽見他的聲音。我的身體彷彿失去控制,下意識模仿周遭戰友的行為。戰友伏地爬行,我就伏地爬行。戰友舉槍還擊,我就舉槍還擊。338Please respect copyright.PENANAk5Rmt0t0kh
338Please respect copyright.PENANAw36CCTpclb
好不容易捱過兩夜一日,我帶著一名受傷戰友成功深入戰線,獲得早前成功登岸的我方軍人接應。338Please respect copyright.PENANAimaYnTk4SV
338Please respect copyright.PENANAzMPptlC5ZC
看見受傷戰友得到救治,我的繃緊神經立時放鬆下來,不支倒地。
兩年過去,我方形勢大好,我隊更是連嬴多仗,殺燒搶掠,資源充足。膳食改善,休息充足,快感沖昏頭腦,我竟奢想戰爭快將結束,自己可以回鄉與親人團聚。338Please respect copyright.PENANAXn8ZbVQr89
338Please respect copyright.PENANADgYnJ6V49R
我與兩名戰友——多達及金禾——依命巡邏。我仨年紀相若,出生入死,感情不錯。一起巡邏時,偶爾會稍為偏離原定路線,到不同地方「尋寶」去,時而拾得平民撤離時沒有帶走的小玩具,時而發現敵軍屍體和隨身武器,時而在荒廢農田找到尚未枯死的可食用根莖類植物。長官多次解釋敵方可能在軍營附近埋下地雷,但年少氣盛的我仨認定節節敗退的敵方無可能冒險折返接近我方軍營。338Please respect copyright.PENANAPwBkWqdlk2
338Please respect copyright.PENANACft52Y0x8g
農田荒廢,雜草叢生。我驀地憶起家鄉的田。338Please respect copyright.PENANAZ44a3967B9
338Please respect copyright.PENANAN4NheD1k7A
國家近年大力推廣科技及商業新政,不過農業仍是我國經濟根本,難以動搖。雖說我想當小說家,但我未曾打算離家外闖。日出種田,入夜寫作,挺不錯。加上年老長輩視農田為命根,即便偶爾小病亦不會怠惰,落田工作。阡陌有序,萬物有時,規律穩定得令我有種莫名安全感,誤以為世界會永遠和平,未來會一片光明……338Please respect copyright.PENANAtBMHywmWAN
338Please respect copyright.PENANAyyIWrh3S1l
草叢突然發出微響,我仨不約而同停下腳步。沒有任何理據支持,但我首先否定那是野生動物的可能。在我忐忑不安之時,走在最後、距離最接近草叢的多達已舉槍瞄準草叢:「誰在草叢?快出來!否則開槍!」338Please respect copyright.PENANALalRVwH3Bg
338Please respect copyright.PENANA2fB5TVBuWZ
他不怕對方突然扔擲手榴彈?不怕對方開槍還擊?或許這是陷阱,有更多敵軍埋伏附近……是否我想太多?怎麼多達可以如此果斷?金禾似乎經已冷靜下來,面朝其他方向舉槍戒備,向我打眼色示意我予以配合。338Please respect copyright.PENANAxobiSLAPfN
338Please respect copyright.PENANAQ0Y47M5Icc
認真放目環視。如夢初醒——草叢比人高,這是多麼適合藏身!一直危機四伏而不自知。我心驚肉跳,舉槍的手不停震顫……338Please respect copyright.PENANAOuzeRX3asE
338Please respect copyright.PENANADU4SH4Yvc8
餘光瞥見突然冒出的人影。我嚇得連開兩槍。一槍射失,另一槍擊中對方腿部。那人應聲跌倒,一條瘦小乾癟的地瓜從破爛衣襟跌出,在地上無力地滾了滾,停下,靜置。338Please respect copyright.PENANAuL0smIazLd
338Please respect copyright.PENANAOE4VYfc0jT
那人帶淚抖顫,連聲求饒,說自己是本地農民,沒有敵意。因為找不到食物,於是斗膽到來昔日自家地瓜田,希望尚有未枯死的……338Please respect copyright.PENANAxvAE9jS2RB
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呯——那人一命嗚呼。338Please respect copyright.PENANAmwJW3LWQ7c
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「如果這人成功逃脫,失去子彈的我們會受到懲罰。」多達解釋開槍原因。338Please respect copyright.PENANA2rBa5D4aWv
338Please respect copyright.PENANAnLdIz4JV8U
金禾邪笑,補上一槍:「他該不會介意我補上一槍領功吧。」338Please respect copyright.PENANAXIyn80U3Cy
338Please respect copyright.PENANAnET5S2fv9w
我沒多話,乾脆開槍。338Please respect copyright.PENANAz7hBN3ClHR
338Please respect copyright.PENANAJJLaAw79vo
大叔不知身在何處,但我清楚聽見他的聲音:「戰友撤退,你就要撤退;戰友進攻,你就要進攻。」
我軍在一星期前的戰役俘虜了七名敵軍,其中一名是西方人,來自敵軍盟友。聽說長官對俘虜嚴刑拷問,望能從他口中探聽出重要軍情,無奈那人守口如瓶,氣得長官抓狂,下令將他關到小屋去。338Please respect copyright.PENANAQ7ZjYFYk9q
338Please respect copyright.PENANAkxrJl9gNsq
我本來沒打算到那小屋去,總覺得那兒又臭又髒,不過我從未見過西方人,十分好奇。曾在課本閱讀不少西方名著譯本,學習英語讀寫和會話,見過西方名人畫像,偏偏未曾親身接觸。338Please respect copyright.PENANAmwKwi4faYq
338Please respect copyright.PENANANnvDt84ST8
門開。腐爛霉臭翳焗之氣撲臭而來,薰人欲嘔。我下意識轉身離開,誰料餘光無意間對上那雙驚怯悲憂的清澄碧藍眸子,頓時忘記周遭惡劣環境,忘記人間何世——我被深深吸引著。338Please respect copyright.PENANA9PTlgIZWFZ
338Please respect copyright.PENANA7X7jE7dlwE
如書本描述,金髮藍瞳雪肌,五官輪廓分明。無法判辨對方是否高大健碩,因為他以破布蔽體,卷縮一隅。目測對方不到二十歲,與數年前被徵召入伍的我相若。許是找到共通處,我不期然將心比己,感受甚深,愣在原地。找不到自己的位置。尚未虛假偽善得開口安慰、提供藥物,無法理直氣壯說自己是良善之人……338Please respect copyright.PENANAMPZVCUQie1
338Please respect copyright.PENANAUzzClnWXm2
我知道戰友們對他做過難以啟齒的羞恥事。有人說是服從長官命令而已,沒有特別享受或厭惡,認為他跟其他小屋裡的女子差不多。有人對他的美麗讚不絕口,尤其喜歡那頭蓬鬆金髮緊隨抽插節奏及力度或搖或盪,充份感受到胯下之人的脆弱和痛苦,反襯出自身強勢和優越。有人喜歡他一身白晳嫩滑緊緻肌膚,說家鄉妻女沒能及他誘人……338Please respect copyright.PENANAuMDIBAIEnd
338Please respect copyright.PENANA1KRzZaUTub
我轉身離開小屋,卻擺脫不了滿耳戰友淫穢之言。338Please respect copyright.PENANAUsS3MIfdfg
338Please respect copyright.PENANAR9mD84RXU8
夜,床上,輾轉反側。338Please respect copyright.PENANAM4IhX4o8c8
338Please respect copyright.PENANAtQH1SUYVXX
淫穢之言化影成形,形似一名年輕男子,金髮藍瞳白皮膚。金髮蓬鬆,藍瞳清澄,雪肌嫩滑。他在我胯下,他在我身上,或搖或盪,如風如煙,似有還無。338Please respect copyright.PENANA0xk7ILLp8N
338Please respect copyright.PENANAjivJNlACzv
白濁熱流於手,頓時忘記周遭惡劣環境,頓時忘記人間何世。
第二次見面是三日後的事。我帶上一小瓶飲用水送他。他愣住,一臉不敢置信,沒有伸手接過瓶子。我沒有勉強他,放下瓶子在地,逕自找個角落坐下。我對他自說自話,不著邊際講東講西。家鄉、家人、朋友、畢業禮、農田。看似互有關聯,卻又不存在必然關係——只消一粒子彈穿過我頭顱,互有關聯的再也沒有必然關係。338Please respect copyright.PENANAtCECBsYpfi
338Please respect copyright.PENANApzZxi8hl9n
第十次見面。他似乎對我不那麼提防,會飲用我帶來的清水,神情動態亦不那麼拘謹。338Please respect copyright.PENANAhN6uvZNV38
338Please respect copyright.PENANAcUxYnyi6rn
第十六次見面。他以簡單英語問我名字。我說自己名為「澄」,他說自己是Luke,並高興我聽懂英語。我謊稱只懂運用簡單單字,以免他問及太多。338Please respect copyright.PENANA1hU8Uy8Uxp
338Please respect copyright.PENANAWbf9Qu62NP
第二十次見面。Luke遍體鱗傷,躺在地上沒能起來,下肢傷勢尤其嚴重。如果沒有及時得到適當治療,恐怕他下半輩子無法站立及走路。但我無膽為一個俘虜向軍醫求助。338Please respect copyright.PENANAOZdydn4GIi
338Please respect copyright.PENANAeTiLZFkkVx
「Medicine, no need。」Luke似乎察覺我的兩難,主動提出不需幫助。338Please respect copyright.PENANAYdQEqYQO3Q
338Please respect copyright.PENANAhVKPrl9VJP
「Not afraid?」我無法分辨他到底是接受現實抑或假裝堅強。338Please respect copyright.PENANAnk5Ydzfo0o
338Please respect copyright.PENANAbuDU15aTBl
Luke虛弱莞爾,艱難伸手按住心房位置:「God here。」338Please respect copyright.PENANAdpW5ByVokB
338Please respect copyright.PENANApBrxvUKth7
不明白,不明白,千萬個不明白。他的安祥和堅強竟是建基於信仰!338Please respect copyright.PENANA1ujaC0lBJG
338Please respect copyright.PENANA5nVMcAhQvl
Luke竟忍下強烈痛楚,開始向我傳道,說神是萬能的、慈愛的。338Please respect copyright.PENANAMuebS6qNXP
338Please respect copyright.PENANAmc8MTDAyC9
我輕蔑一笑——我國滿天神佛,自己亦曾有信仰,直至戰爭爆發,我才發現一直保護我的並非神佛,而是戰友和我自己。338Please respect copyright.PENANAfkB67XxlaG
338Please respect copyright.PENANAtEpmAqebON
如果世上真有神佛,祂們都該死!338Please respect copyright.PENANAPjaqvZoTWl
338Please respect copyright.PENANAaUq1zjWnGI
恨意油然而生,我拂袖離去。338Please respect copyright.PENANACspMrGAgzn
338Please respect copyright.PENANAD8OiM5EUx2
「No god!Only war!Only pain!Only you and me!」
接下來的一段日子,我沒有探望Luke,僅從戰友口中聽到關於Luke的消息。戰友們有夠變態,施虐手法層出不窮。起初我會為Luke擔心,生起探望他的衝動,惟憶及他對信仰的堅定,我又恨不得要他認清真相——要不世上本無神佛,要不神佛都是冷血無情的、該死的!338Please respect copyright.PENANAVoCEsB7Jis
338Please respect copyright.PENANACho2kRYmdY
怒火中燒,我在戰場上的表現越益激進。多達不滿,怪責我無視戰況,亂衝亂撞,為隊友帶來不必要傷亡。金禾理解我,認為我生性善良,長期處於戰爭狀態難免情緒崩潰,心理失衡。他帶我到小屋去。我婉拒,不欲再次憶及Luke。金禾問我是否記得巡邏時曾擊斃一名挖地瓜的男子。我點頭示意記得。他說男子的女兒——阿采——身處小屋裡。338Please respect copyright.PENANAbZVbsmWXNj
338Please respect copyright.PENANAvjkzwJZfBA
門開。阿采伺機撲出。金禾俐落閃過,我躲避不及,被撲倒地上、亂搥亂踢。不知怎地,我沒有自衛或反擊意欲,任由她放肆撒野。金禾旁觀偷笑,大約一分鐘後方才上前拖開阿采施暴。阿采激烈掙扎,即使不敵金禾亦絕不求饒,甚至倔強得緊抿嘴唇,不吭一聲。338Please respect copyright.PENANAYEPsbhqciO
338Please respect copyright.PENANAI74hEhORrb
滿足獸慾後,金禾轉身問我:「來?」338Please respect copyright.PENANAEP1ue2eKPj
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「不了。」我不知自己為何堅持,也不知堅持有何益處。338Please respect copyright.PENANA2DbBVpHAOK
338Please respect copyright.PENANAgx3hJwimhx
「你喜歡男人?那金髮的?」金禾提起褲子,整理衣衫。338Please respect copyright.PENANAdYDIUvr7tr
338Please respect copyright.PENANA11LgF0mc8V
「不。」我搖頭。338Please respect copyright.PENANA1GfmDUPUxA
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在金禾再次提問前,我動身離開小屋。338Please respect copyright.PENANAQPftuOBIqP
338Please respect copyright.PENANAVRo1wmtMjZ
再上戰場,我表現冷靜。不是頭腦清晰、理智思考的那種冷靜,而是冷漠、淡然、無情,彷彿一切與我無關。我的身體失去控制,下意識模仿周遭戰友的行為。戰友伏地爬行,我就伏地爬行。戰友舉槍還擊,我就舉槍還擊。338Please respect copyright.PENANAhEyBoAPYUu
338Please respect copyright.PENANA5uLUswGpmE
多少人活著,多少人死去。活的是誰,死的是誰。如何活,如何死。338Please respect copyright.PENANApUA9izVPAY
338Please respect copyright.PENANArGyGuLR9cp
彷彿一切與我無關。338Please respect copyright.PENANAZUsropl3GM
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我腿部中彈跌倒。338Please respect copyright.PENANAZTJ4EFhzUW
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彷彿與我無關。338Please respect copyright.PENANAZja0sWnLpH
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金禾掩護多達,多達奮力拖我往回走。338Please respect copyright.PENANAtMmckpRZdZ
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這是他們的決定,與我無關?338Please respect copyright.PENANAaGxsry3fLC
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金禾成為眾矢之的,連中數彈,倒地,不瞑目。338Please respect copyright.PENANAkkQQMFW8ds
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他望著我。他不是望著我。338Please respect copyright.PENANALSHkK52Lg5
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我望著他。我不是望著他。338Please respect copyright.PENANAtCNcR5MPlR
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我和他之間無限遙遠的距離,霎時間將我和現實連接在一起。338Please respect copyright.PENANA5jboBe2fnt
338Please respect copyright.PENANAtngbWSM5ST
沒有猶豫餘地。338Please respect copyright.PENANA4xtjx9UNkk
338Please respect copyright.PENANAnE4uKuRpCL
腿部康復後,我勤加鍛鍊,狀態大勇,多次立功。長官讚許我,隊友擁戴我。338Please respect copyright.PENANAfsPrIFMzBc
338Please respect copyright.PENANAVniE2IbvC0
我到小屋找阿采。338Please respect copyright.PENANAbdgFToEtXz
338Please respect copyright.PENANA6I2iRAdmaT
門開。阿采伺機撲出,我俐落閃過,把她壓倒、施暴。阿采激烈掙扎,即使不敵亦絕不求饒,甚至倔強得緊抿嘴唇,不吭一聲。我站在金禾的位置,以他的角度享受這女體。她全身傷痕累累,瘀傷、槍傷、刀傷、燒傷……嘔心。338Please respect copyright.PENANATkacBgm7WM
338Please respect copyright.PENANALQiG4be96r
施虐者更嘔心。而我是其中之一。338Please respect copyright.PENANA5XAOYsPeRH
338Please respect copyright.PENANAtd5ZKEDIVF
我怎麼會變得如此嘔心?一切怎麼會變得如此痛苦?338Please respect copyright.PENANAHFqXF3yL04
338Please respect copyright.PENANA2gyTzFG6Vi
沒法逃避。沒法自欺說一切與我無關。沒法辯說自己不是製造痛苦的其中一個因素。338Please respect copyright.PENANAjfxGxlrKH0
338Please respect copyright.PENANAkRFnCRE65f
憤怒,自責,悲傷。無力,無能,無奈。338Please respect copyright.PENANAwBdU277DGx
338Please respect copyright.PENANAsxBzxDmeLB
十指緊緊掐住阿采脖子。她面色發紫,像瘀血,像瘦小乾癟的地瓜,像窗外晦暗不明的天色。快感衝昏頭腦,頓時忘記周遭惡劣環境,頓時忘記人間何世……幾片花瓣隨風自窗飄入,落在她胸前。無瑕粉紅與瘀青肌膚形成強烈對比,一下子將我理智召回。我鬆手,她粗喘。338Please respect copyright.PENANAjNhSv5SDw8
338Please respect copyright.PENANA2RL84bK3t5
我問她:「活得這麼苦,為何還要生存?」338Please respect copyright.PENANAdYVkhRc42V
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她沒有回答,喘氣,咳嗽,作嘔。338Please respect copyright.PENANAwQRc78BW6R
338Please respect copyright.PENANAQsGuxhxxL4
我問她:「你有信仰嗎?」338Please respect copyright.PENANANe5TgPikFm
338Please respect copyright.PENANAygp2ZEtEAn
她沒有回答,竭力撐起身體,往我撲來。我沒有自衛或反擊意欲,任由她放肆撒野,拳拳無力卻有恨。以為她會一直搥打,直至我離開,誰料她打了沒多久就自動停下來,跪地放聲痛哭。338Please respect copyright.PENANA81sRRl7PHu
338Please respect copyright.PENANAHKf1JkIQn3
我沒有安慰她,拾起花瓣,離開小屋。
三月,春,敵軍空襲軍營,我隊無從反擊,死的,傷的,逃的。唯獨長官保持冷靜,下令放火燒死所有俘虜,將他們的死諉過於空襲,順道毀滅人證。有人主動上前接受命令,拿起燃料就跑走了。338Please respect copyright.PENANAjErE5MhK9Z
338Please respect copyright.PENANAHsTmxgcjHN
我僵住——殺人無數的我感到恐懼。恐懼源於猶豫,猶豫源於內心掙扎。338Please respect copyright.PENANAxaI3NeOsFB
338Please respect copyright.PENANAe2bvUxY8ZY
失聯已久的大叔不知從哪兒冒出來,緩緩迎面走近,伸手搭著我肩,給我一個令人放心的大笑容:「長官下令放火燒死所有俘虜,就要放火燒死所有俘虜。」338Please respect copyright.PENANAQacTbFCttZ
338Please respect copyright.PENANApd6dx3hB64
我抬頭望向大叔。不知怎地,他的身形高大如巨人,相比之下,我瘦弱如孩子,聲音虛渺細小:「Luke……」338Please respect copyright.PENANAd1R31HR54M
338Please respect copyright.PENANAiNr8crxrBl
「無論你有否阻止,即使他活過今天,他終會死去。」大叔安慰我:「何必為了一個萍水相逢的過客而違抗軍令?更何況動手的是別人,不是你。」338Please respect copyright.PENANATLafv2BPOm
338Please respect copyright.PENANA25IYnW8s5E
我無從反駁——我知道大叔全然為我著想,一字一句都能維護我的利益和感受。338Please respect copyright.PENANAvK0NWE8ILI
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但我接受不了!338Please respect copyright.PENANAyc0njknGZv
338Please respect copyright.PENANAUbVaH2uSUS
我衝往小屋,從後擊暈倒撥燃料的傢伙,找來槍枝轟爆閘鎖。閘開,臭氣薰天。Luke下身傷口嚴重腐爛,流血流膿,蒼蠅繞飛。我不禁眉頭一皺——若果帶著Luke上路,根本沒可能成功逃脫。體重會拖慢速度,氣味會曝露行蹤,甚至需要多找一份糧水養活他……338Please respect copyright.PENANAok1rfdhGYm
338Please respect copyright.PENANAaEqon8IQVv
「You…… come for…… me?」Luke煞是驚訝,連咳兩聲:「Why?」338Please respect copyright.PENANAYx5e2DU6kY
338Please respect copyright.PENANAIDPNAjA8Aw
「Your God orders me to save you and orders you to keep quiet!」我展示一口流利英語。338Please respect copyright.PENANAAlSJpZt3Ob
338Please respect copyright.PENANAZGXnBdkTqR
「Oh!My God!」Luke自知被騙,虛弱苦笑。338Please respect copyright.PENANA4wFd9yeugB
338Please respect copyright.PENANAN6RzsJXSa3
我脫下上衣蓋住他那頭金髮,混在人潮當中離開軍營。
抄小路南下兩日,數度遇上穿著同樣軍服的逃兵。他們見我帶著Luke,利落轉身離開。又走了三日,我和Luke走入一片櫻花林。我奇怪戰事延續多年,怎麼這片櫻花林沒有被波及。Luke說一切都是神的旨意。我沒反駁——估計我之前拾到的花瓣來自這片櫻花林。換言之,那片花瓣可以飄入軍營實屬奇蹟。說不定,真是神的旨意……338Please respect copyright.PENANAMqiX47RnPl
338Please respect copyright.PENANAYwXa6Aci8r
我在一棵特別高大的樹下安置Luke,然後去找食物和水。出乎意料,櫻花林資源十分充足:小溪、雀鳥、青草,以及將結未結的櫻桃。生火,烤鳥。柴火溫暖,鳥肉香嫩。338Please respect copyright.PENANAQipyQBx6PC
338Please respect copyright.PENANAP0GyRmYPCN
Luke祈禱感謝神。我開玩笑說他該要感謝我。Luke傻笑向我道謝。我沒料到他真的會向我道謝,霎時間不知如何應對,只好轉個話題,講櫻花。我說家鄉也有櫻花,不過品種不同,比眼前這花更白。Luke說曾在家鄉某富人的花園見過櫻花,已忘記花瓣是甚麼形狀、顏色,只記得花香清淡幽雅……338Please respect copyright.PENANAUAfDj4uoY8
338Please respect copyright.PENANAEHbgYRDJ1z
他認為彼此家鄉都有櫻花,是重要的共通點。338Please respect copyright.PENANAvP2RxmPHXW
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我說他說法牽強,而且有共通點又如何?338Please respect copyright.PENANAMznmnEyQIR
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他說有共通點代表在某方面大家都是同類。338Please respect copyright.PENANAtcjtHXguOu
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我明知故問——所以呢?338Please respect copyright.PENANAQ97WGGDStN
338Please respect copyright.PENANA9X3NbMmmv2
Luke稍有遲疑,似乎察覺話題觸及我心坎深處,但他最終還是選擇開口——戰爭是不應該的。338Please respect copyright.PENANAFJomHaio3m
338Please respect copyright.PENANA5A8yDqRF9P
我知道戰爭是不應該的。我也討厭戰爭。但它就是發生了。我不欲否定經已發生或是正在發生的戰爭,感覺像是在否定所有被戰爭糟蹋的生命。我的、父親的、母親的、大哥的、大叔的、金禾的、多達的、阿采的、阿采父親的、知道名字的、不知道名字的……一切與戰爭有關的人都被糟蹋了,永遠擺脫不了戰爭帶來的影響。338Please respect copyright.PENANAkftvlDyDsc
338Please respect copyright.PENANAxRuTYOIvga
我無法壓抑激動情緒,眼泛淚光,略帶哭腔——戰爭不該單純以「應該」或「不應該」作總結,正如每個人的出生和死亡不只是一個統計數字,正如每件惡事不該只因一句道歉而被寬恕,正如每件善事不該只因一句道謝而被遺忘。338Please respect copyright.PENANAHKnVBUgCT5
338Please respect copyright.PENANAQWJG98U3KO
我忘記了Luke如何回應,只記得那夜柴火忽明忽暗,將Luke的眼神映照得迷惘惆悵。
Luke的傷口得到適當治理,加上食物和水源充足,身體情況好轉。我們討論是否應該離開櫻花林。他說櫻花林是神的安排,我們該逗留於此,等待戰爭結束。我認為該要外出求救,畢竟此地離軍營不遠,估計會於不久將來被發現,屆時插翼難飛。Luke說我過份憂慮,我說該要未雨綢繆。338Please respect copyright.PENANAra4Hjnr5EN
338Please respect copyright.PENANALmp2MCAeTA
他笑,笑我像他的父親,總是眉頭深鎖。世上只有母親能夠令他笑。可惜母親最終拋夫棄子,跟著別的男人跑掉。父親由那時開始失去信仰,失去對生命的熱誠,彷如行屍走肉。Luke因而明白人絕不能失去信仰。338Please respect copyright.PENANAwFKJjDM45M
338Please respect copyright.PENANAuxzLqSKfvt
我恍然大悟——Luke並非虔誠信徒,而是他需要精神支柱,支撐他捱過戰爭——於是挑來幾枝形態優美的櫻花木,紥成一個十字架,插在地上。Luke很高興,吃前睡前都會對著十字架禱告,感謝神,感謝神將我帶到他的身邊,感謝神保護我倆……338Please respect copyright.PENANAYYp2tFhB8Z
338Please respect copyright.PENANAHeZbvzSr17
天未亮,Luke仍然酣睡,我卻被鳥叫吵醒。好吧。我決定要宰掉這隻擾人清夢的鳥當早餐!追追趕趕,我不知不覺走入櫻花林更深處,發現池塘,塘邊是多年不見的大叔。我放下小刀。大叔往我撲來。我沒有自衛或反擊意欲,任由他騎在我身,一朝歡愉,如幻如夢。338Please respect copyright.PENANAuL9UwlTlDp
338Please respect copyright.PENANAfOqFxYTKSq
夢醒,我帶著大叔歸去,不見Luke。大叔說Luke經已回歸神的懷抱,快樂安詳。我不明所以,大叔說我毋需明白、毋需理解,好好感恩就可以。他找來一塊肉,與我分食。食前,他提醒我要在十字架前禱告,睡前亦然。我照辦如儀。感謝神。338Please respect copyright.PENANArpD4M7aFLE
338Please respect copyright.PENANAVTSQJ19gpE
大叔每天找來肉塊,每天與我歡好。他照顧我身心,使我變得依賴。我像迷途羔羊,只知跟著走在前方的大叔走,不會思考路向,或是不欲思考路向是否正確。338Please respect copyright.PENANAOJ5nU7lVHC
338Please respect copyright.PENANAkJgxC0gJsq
又一個夜,大叔騎在我身,搖擺、極樂、放空。迷惘迷糊迷幻。幾片花瓣隨風自椏枝飄落,落在大叔胸前。無瑕粉紅與瘀青肌膚形成強烈對比,前塵往事立時泉湧。我頭痛欲裂,昏死過去。醒來時,大叔說我經已昏迷九個月。338Please respect copyright.PENANAQADuQMBP6B
338Please respect copyright.PENANAzhmMh2HlCl
大叔肚子鼓脹脹的,像孕婦。沒可能。我笑自己發瘋,直至親眼目睹那鮮活的嬰兒自大叔下體滑出來。338Please respect copyright.PENANAGBbDsdW5Nh
338Please respect copyright.PENANA0dhQzW9OlZ
呱呱墮地,哭聲震天,驚破長夢。338Please respect copyright.PENANAUaPOxaWRks
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夢醒。大叔的臉隱去,現出阿采死不瞑目的恐怖樣子。
夢醒。再也無法回到一無所知、視若無睹的狀態。338Please respect copyright.PENANArFqSOKk0ue
338Please respect copyright.PENANApac9cvJX4l
我將阿采埋葬在十字架下、Luke旁邊,然後抱著孩子離開櫻花林。338Please respect copyright.PENANAsmHz2shuod
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邊走邊思考。338Please respect copyright.PENANAG5L06DSYrt
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哇哇哇——孩子哭了,打斷我思緒。我以櫻桃汁餵養他。338Please respect copyright.PENANARngr8tXafu
338Please respect copyright.PENANA1fG4N0IIu0
邊走邊思考。怎麼櫻花林可以不受戰火摧殘?338Please respect copyright.PENANA7e4ChKsJTz
338Please respect copyright.PENANARnA0YhUWbQ
哇哇哇——孩子哭了,打斷我思緒。我為他清潔下身排泄物。338Please respect copyright.PENANAWcrbQFEWnL
338Please respect copyright.PENANAlUvarRZ4SV
邊走邊思考。怎麼櫻花林可以不受戰火摧殘?神的旨意?338Please respect copyright.PENANAdlpJ3D9Fp8
338Please respect copyright.PENANAJ0IG3XS4FG
哇哇哇——孩子哭了,打斷我思緒。我唱歌哄他。338Please respect copyright.PENANA50ssasGct2
338Please respect copyright.PENANALTzSmXUYlf
是我家鄉歌謠。外婆唱給媽媽聽,媽媽唱給我和大哥聽。唱出金黃稻田,唱出靈動魚兒,唱出農夫的喜與憂。若問我是否思鄉?坦白而言,除了入伍首半年,其餘日子未曾想家。與其花時間懷緬過去,倒不如好好活在當下,設法從每場戰役存活下來。我不聰明,需要戰友照顧。若非大叔、金禾、多達從旁保護,我早死去百多遍。338Please respect copyright.PENANA1w8AZ2f00m
338Please respect copyright.PENANAVytTefFiJa
這樣的我,有能力保護你嗎?孩子。338Please respect copyright.PENANA2PqLYSNcbN
338Please respect copyright.PENANAFQjPFaChK2
我沒有數算自己走了多少日子、走了多遠路途,只隱約記得某日有巨型坦克出現面前。我當時意識迷糊,對坦克視而不見,直接迎面走去。也許那炮管曾經瞄準我,也許沒有,我無留意。然後呢?然後我忘記了。338Please respect copyright.PENANAZQUpo1S5BU
338Please respect copyright.PENANAx6XEI0It7R
當我再次恢復正常,我已在敵國軍營裡,懷中孩子不知哪兒去。
他們確認孩子夭折,金禾戰死沙場,多達回鄉。我問及大叔去向。他們說我無法提供大叔名字或其他詳細資訊,無法尋找他的下落。338Please respect copyright.PENANAQQVSEPwVxR
338Please respect copyright.PENANAW1VRKZJX2Q
他們根據我提供的資訊在一片貧瘠的櫻花林裡找到十字架記號,挖出一具完整女屍和一具殘缺男屍,相信是阿采和Luke。338Please respect copyright.PENANApUyvLAniws
338Please respect copyright.PENANAVjbXGvy7ug
離開療養院,我回鄉去。父親無能回家,大哥缺了兩條腿,脾氣變得暴躁,偶爾會情緒失控打人。母親當初選擇默默忍受,後來認為大哥是負累。我認為大哥是為國家犧牲自己的英雄,母親說她只看見一個胡亂打人的陌生傢伙。我沒有怪責大哥帶來麻煩,亦沒有記恨母親無視我們的犧牲——彼此都是受害者。338Please respect copyright.PENANAz7QVeND9W6
338Please respect copyright.PENANAncuue9nnAF
除了人,環境同樣變了調。農業被商業取代,屋外再也沒有或青綠或金黃的田地。338Please respect copyright.PENANA7NpVS5fOY3
338Please respect copyright.PENANARb9o0VZ8HR
不習慣,卻也沒奈何,只得跟著時代步伐走。338Please respect copyright.PENANAonZeMGIVKi
338Please respect copyright.PENANAtG15A8Wxs8
「如果害怕得腦袋一片空白、不知道該要怎麼辦的時候,就要看看資深戰友怎麼做:戰友撤退,你就要撤退;戰友進攻,你就要進攻。」338Please respect copyright.PENANAgElQdmsfbc
338Please respect copyright.PENANAadZueS3Enq
我在商店街找了一份工作。每晚下班後會先哄大哥吃止痛藥,然後坐在書桌前,執筆寫下青澀的愛情故事:主人公在畢業禮上向心儀女孩表白……