She specifically requested no black.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡ36Mwn9GF2N 維尼

We always joked about the ways we wanted to go, the ways we wanted to be remembered, and the ways we wanted people to act at our final sendoff.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡRw7Zr924gj 維尼

Yet, I am the only yellow spot in a sea of black.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lp8jTE4TM 維尼

I’ll try to make it brief because she always said I talked too much. I ranted and raved so much that it’s a wonder she ever got a word in. I remember how many of her thoughts I must have missed in trying to keep the silence from—8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡ15nxP8E5q2 維尼

No. Enough.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡvRBZewhCf5 維尼

There are at least yellow flowers surrounding a urn and a picture of her smiling face. She was quiet but the world paid attention when she smiled. Her mother is wearing green and her father is in a suit, always following some traditions, no matter the situation.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡwRBMuOe8oy 維尼

They asked me to speak when I don’t ever want to talk again. I haven’t since they told me what happened. It’s been three weeks and I still don’t feel the slightest inclination to say anything that crosses my mind. Was that what it was like for her? When the world, me included, never stopped long enough for her to say a damn thing, did it feel like this? Did it feel like no one would shut up?8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnwPRCh2qI 維尼

I do understand, to some extent. I don’t want to, but I do. We both had the line of pills and therapists and psychiatrists and the scars that have never gone away. We were both broken long before we could do anything normal like fall in love.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡVC9WjXXrGa 維尼

“Are you okay?”8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡxHLu0BNwjI 維尼

“No.”8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡhRfLVigtGA 維尼

“Will you be okay?”8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhkiNx7DRB 維尼

“I don’t know.”8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡXAVhKXHqGO 維尼

Those words were often switched up. They didn’t belong to me and they didn’t belong to her. We were opposites, operating like clockwork.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡFuCGMHxVCe 維尼

Shut up.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡLQ1f2T2sNM 維尼

“Dearly beloved—“8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡPepkOA6Gqo 維尼

Shut up.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡT4ynyQlnWu 維尼

“She is at peace—“8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡLmyKcn1U73 維尼

Shut up.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2KBlzsPvdX 維尼

They keep going though. As I silently will silence, people are getting up and taking turns to talk about her. Even the class president steps up to the stand, even though I know she doesn’t know her or didn’t know her. I don’t know.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtd6uQQtvJ 維尼

It’s been surreal ever since she died.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡGdFscXPu60 維尼

“She was a great friend—“8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMbfVUGqLB 維尼

Shut up.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKjTPSQsO7 維尼

Yellow flowers, yellow dress, a black wave of everyone that wasn’t there for her before, Christ nailed to a cross reminding us of her Cardinal sin, her murder of the person most precious to me—8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFbNQt5Bl9 維尼

Shut up.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡGFk4sKLzdY 維尼

“SHUT UP!” I stand up and scream.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2aK1paMV89 維尼

Everyone turns towards me and I know I can’t stay here. I won’t believe. I can’t believe in a God that would condemn her to Hell for just wanting a break from the pain that I didn’t know how to relieve. I stand outside the Cathedral. It's amazing that they even let her family hold the service there. Outside, a boy who loved her has a flask. 8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡBrPdlv1ljs 維尼

"I could hear you from out here."8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡDN39hvK7I5 維尼

I nod. Apparently words will continue to fail me.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡcgibjfwvCl 維尼

“—CAN’T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN FOR A MOMENT?” Her voice on the other end of the line was hysterical. 8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡt3VoPn60gp 維尼

“—Look—“8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZQgWO7VgC 維尼

She hung up on me and shoved enough pills down her throat to make it last.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8kJNuxqOfD 維尼

“I love you.”8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmL9x3CLys 維尼

In everything I ever said, I never once said those three God damned words. I don’t think they would have made a difference but—8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡT5zfLRbKyc 維尼

Shut up.8964 copyright protection505ＰＥＮＡＮＡXhJhMf7YCY 維尼

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