I could see it in her eyes as we stood opposite each other. Contempt, dismissal. No matter what I said to her it would not change her mind – or the outcome.
With her words she picked me up and deposited me out of her way. So neatly, so cruelly.
“You don’t have children, you don’t understand. We need this room for them. Who cares if it’s Ben’s room – my children need a place.” I’m almost sure one of these precious creatures must have found a plunger and stuck it up her arse.
My 13yr old brother had spent all week trying to stop her – tried to ask her to stop. Tried making a different room for her kids. It had all his breakable belongings in there; his guitar, his figurines, his computer.
This was just one moment in a montage of my sisters pushing their agenda. I could see it in her stance, in her eyes, “get back in your box.” When I would refuse, she would look to her lacky of my other sister and together they would push me out of the way.
My husband turned up to see what was happening, and she had the balls to smile sweetly at him and ask him to move me – as though he was my babysitter or handler.
Even I know that man would stand before a firing squad if he thought it was in my best interest. He gave her a look that said, “I’m her backup – not yours.”
Small wins make the losing less bitter.
The power she holds in my family is due to the fact none of my older siblings care enough. She is Worm-tongue from LOTR wiggling herself into power and believing it authentic.
Every fight we have I enter knowing I will lose. But I will not lose my honour, my sense of right and wrong or my seriously concerning sense of bravery to her. To someone who does wrong first, then tongue in cheek makes a joke and laughs the problem away. Or pretends what she did didn’t hurt anyone to begin with. Must be that pole up her arse… making it hard for her to bend down and see how much she hurts other people. Those “little people” whose issues and problems must be far less superior to her own.
My whole life my family has looked down on me and pointed at the little box they have fashioned for me.
I’m too reckless, too destructive for a real opinion. I’m too blunt to be told family secrets. I'm too weird to be invited to things. I'm too different, must not be interested... MAYBE IF YOU ASKED ME I MIGHT BE. I’m mum’s favourite. Everything comes easily to you – people like you.
Maybe if you didn’t use people and treat them like deli-tickets people would be more forgiving. Maybe I worked damn hard to be where I am. Maybe I listened to others advice before galivanting into unknown territory. MAYBE MY EGO IS SMALLER THEN THE SIZE OF AMERICA.
Just once – just one moment in my little existence I wish my family would stop and listen to what I have to say. Would take the advice they ignored, consider my experience or training.
I wish they would let me get out of the box and stand next to them.
Because I am watching this jenga puzzle of a family sway dangerously. I want to see my older siblings take their place as leaders. I want to see these sisters of mine treat others better then they treat themselves. I want my mother to forgive herself for dad leaving – because it was never her fault to begin with.
And…
I want to fit into this falling tower. Because I would rather fall with them knowing we had tried to make it work. Then watch from the outside knowing it fell to our pride.
I’d even help my sister pull that rod out of her arse… I’ll need gloves, it’s been up there a while.
I love my family.
But damn people. Pull your respective rods and heads out of respective arses and lets work on a future.
Before it makes one for us.
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