JONESTOWN
The children don't deserve to die.
I had hope, I really did have hope, that I would find a heaven for little John and I, but the voice of the proclaimed prophet drowns my pleas for logic and the crowd has been blinded by sermons through sleep and the guns, the guns.
Jones interrupts every word I say. He says to me, 'I can tell you the answer now, because I am a prophet.' And the crowd cheers, and they say that it's over, that I'm a wicked person and that if I want to leave them all so close to glory, I can leave all I want.
I want to leave. This isn't the Jonestown I came here for. But right outside these gates, I'll be met by steel barrels, a gaping abyss from which a steel point will come rising out towards me. I know that they would pull the trigger without a second thought, that the sound of a ringing gunshot will mean nothing to the others.
Jones' eyes on me, the crowd waiting for my response. I don't have the energy to go any further resisting. 'That's all I got to say.'
Jones had been a handsome man, square-set jaw and well defined cheekbones, but not long after Jonestown he had stopped paying attention to his appearance; just a few weeks after settlement, his hair lay matted in patches against his head from dried sweat, and in other places strangled the air around his head, reaching out like the limbs of a monster hiding within that skull. The monster that does hide in there.
The speech continues, and I can't help but cry for Johnny, so sweet and so small. The others give stares of contempt, and they mutter, she is afraid to die. I wish I could tell them how they were so wrong, that I have no fear of the other side - only fear for these strangers surrounding me that had once been my closest friends.
Jones is telling us, they will come from the sky with weapons, they will torture our children and destroy this building. But it's lies that snake their way out of his mouth into the eager ears of the ignorant, and perhaps I am the only one who would see not corrupted government men, but angels descending with parachutes and uniforms.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLClU2ML4A3
‘Please, please, can we hasten, can we hasten the medication… the congressman is dead, there’s nothing we can do now…’, people surging slowly, a wave of flesh pushing me and Johnny forward and I’m drowning in it, my child not knowing what’s going on, little Johnny pulling at my hand like a weight I can no longer carry.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3oY6hFQCIa
And they have the drink, purple liquid sloshing around in the tubs they carry, and cups in hand, ready to give out the fatal dose. They’re coming, they’re coming for him but I can’t let him go I can’t – ‘MAMA!’ – and then, weightless.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbSoMU9kRC3
Floating alone, the taste of bitter almonds and grapes in my mouth.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9rnoScMmFs
‘Please, please, there’s nothing to cry about… it’s not to be feared.’831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgRDIDDCFES
Floating. The children are crying…
~
The congressman has to die.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡouOrOMprui
He and the traitors, I’ll shoot them, I know I will.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp1gHgeiMGK
‘I want to leave too.’ The traitors pass side eyes and worried murmurs but it’s too late for them now. I’m coming with them.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvbTNDgIsZ6
‘Very well.’ The congressman, with his manners and suits and words, all lies, all lies!831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡit0yxySHY3
I’m repulsed by the filth of the people I get into the truck with. You can smell it inside them – the filth of an unloyal, a weak and cowardly piece of meat that deserves no place in Jonestown.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3t3nYB6iPx
I make sure to sit at the front of the truck. It’ll be easier then – in a single movement, I will draw the sharpened blade from my pocket and it will seek out the evil and stop it from destroying this holy place.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeBmAeGcNiQ
The trees begin thinning out as if the forest itself can’t bear to come near the airfield – a feeling I share. It’ll be quick, I tell myself, and Mr. Ryan will be dead.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGTBZwhv9DL
snitch831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGGUVPrLnwV
swish831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr6fvbLWTlv
hick831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVGRgWg3HOW
umph831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqKUZDJ1cWz
The taste of old soil and pungent rainwater fill my mouth. I’ve failed Jones, I know I have.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxvykqTOkp
‘…file a criminal complaint. I’ll take the others to the airstrip.’ Words, all lies, all lies!831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjb8MHxTSHO
Disgraceful. Metal wrapped around my arms, lodged against a trunk, jagged wood against my cheek. This other man thinks he is so superior, but when he dies, Jjara will punish him. Jjara will reward me for my good deeds, and he will reward Larry as well – this man, so clever, doesn’t know that there is another chance for me, rolling along wheels with the congressman. I will wait.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYdNKJd8uCn
I close my eyes and count. One… two… three…
The sound of the man writing on a piece of paper.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡot13Xg2boi
Ninety six… ninety seven…831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiAA9ThHlHq
Four hundred and fifty eight…831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHBE6BaUkBE
The sound of a plane landing nearby.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbB4X0C6HbV
Four hundred and eighty four…831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMDmYd0j63p
The sound of gunshots.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWLJf4nX70z
The man starts, and I lash out with my leg, the man falling so clumsily in that suit of his with a ‘Eruh!’ that betrays all his fancy accents and musings.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdUQoykCeiC
Another kick. Another kick. The man is so weak without words, and the sounds stop eventually.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡasOUWJGzC1
One thousand eight hundred and thirty two.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡADw5ozxE6R
The plane hasn’t left. The traitors will never make it back to America.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ59KfOPoT3F
Jjara smiles upon this day;831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiZEtOOKY7
The congressman is dead.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYYI29XCC7r
Counting, counting.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH8nQ7J8YxP
Twenty two thousand…831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuYbgAdDbxs
Forty seven thousand…
~
I am ready to die.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXK9QfD8ZaZ
‘I can tell you the answer now, because I am a prophet!’ I cheer with the others. Jones is a nice man. He has worked so very hard for us, and the woman is ungrateful for wanting to leave. This place, everything… it couldn’t have happened without the wonderful person standing in front of me.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡalwyXx0YSq
‘Do you think I would put John’s life above the others? If I put John’s life above the others I wouldn’t be standing with Jjara. He’s no different to me than any of the others here. He’s just one of my children.’ Jones loves us all the same, you know, and that’s what made me come here; black living with white, all sisters and brothers in unity here. Jonestown gave what America could not.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdhqygYTOij
I move forward with Ted in my arms, careful not to push forward too fast. Ted was the sweetest child; and even now, he’s not crying like the others.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUcVwcKzZH3
I clear my throat. ‘I just want to say something to everyone that I see that is standing around and are crying. This is nothing to cry about. This is something we should all rejoice about.’ Ted gurgles lightly at the sound of my voice and I hug him close to my chest. ‘I’ve been here one year and nine months and I never felt better in my life. Not in San Francisco, but until I came to Jonestown. I enjoy this life. I had a beautiful life. I don’t see nothing that I should be crying about. We should be happy.’ And they are cheering, clapping for me and I smile at all my sisters and brothers, and Jones’ smile at me brings such joy I know Ted can feel, beating from my heart into his, so small and so close.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRPG8Kuk4op
‘I want to do it.’ I say to the man with the cup. He gives it to me, a simple plastic thing but simple is all we ever needed in life, isn’t it? It’s enough for Jonestown.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwL4MAP5Nan
‘Now, now, Ted…’ I gently pour the child’s drink into his mouth, pausing for every swallow and breath. Once the cup is empty, just a small stain of purple at the bottom, I take my own – a sweet and bitter taste at once, like an aged and nutty wine.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw7L8W1Nn4S
I lay down on the floor, calming words from Jones passing in one ear and out the other – the details don’t matter, just the soothing effect, and Teddy coos gently as I pat his head.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrwkEfr6z2u
And – I don’t know if it’s the hallelujah of my brothers and sisters rising in exultation, or if it is the sweet melodious voice of Jjara himself – but I can hear the most beautiful harmony of song, a brilliant cascade of music resonating through the skies – ‘Listen, Teddy!’ Such a sweet child, he is. ‘Can’t you hear the singing?’831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0E7XnxrNMv
I’m floating, now, rising into a spiral of stars where I’ll find for me and Ted what I came here for – peace, peace, and below me, the Jonestown trees shatter and scatter, just a kaleidoscope of leaves that once resembled a landscape being blown away until nothing is left but the view of distant galaxies and the warmth of my child.831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡngQjRAWy4v
The voice of a good man echoes softly;831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl1ybpvOtYT
‘…you set 1000 people who say ‘We don’t like the way the world is’… I don’t know how in the world they’re gonna write about us. It’s just too late…’831Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyw6lnrLYWO
Floating.
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