JONESTOWN
The children don't deserve to die.
I had hope, I really did have hope, that I would find a heaven for little John and I, but the voice of the proclaimed prophet drowns my pleas for logic and the crowd has been blinded by sermons through sleep and the guns, the guns.
Jones interrupts every word I say. He says to me, 'I can tell you the answer now, because I am a prophet.' And the crowd cheers, and they say that it's over, that I'm a wicked person and that if I want to leave them all so close to glory, I can leave all I want.
I want to leave. This isn't the Jonestown I came here for. But right outside these gates, I'll be met by steel barrels, a gaping abyss from which a steel point will come rising out towards me. I know that they would pull the trigger without a second thought, that the sound of a ringing gunshot will mean nothing to the others.
Jones' eyes on me, the crowd waiting for my response. I don't have the energy to go any further resisting. 'That's all I got to say.'
Jones had been a handsome man, square-set jaw and well defined cheekbones, but not long after Jonestown he had stopped paying attention to his appearance; just a few weeks after settlement, his hair lay matted in patches against his head from dried sweat, and in other places strangled the air around his head, reaching out like the limbs of a monster hiding within that skull. The monster that does hide in there.
The speech continues, and I can't help but cry for Johnny, so sweet and so small. The others give stares of contempt, and they mutter, she is afraid to die. I wish I could tell them how they were so wrong, that I have no fear of the other side - only fear for these strangers surrounding me that had once been my closest friends.
Jones is telling us, they will come from the sky with weapons, they will torture our children and destroy this building. But it's lies that snake their way out of his mouth into the eager ears of the ignorant, and perhaps I am the only one who would see not corrupted government men, but angels descending with parachutes and uniforms.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdt5ujW5bhZ
‘Please, please, can we hasten, can we hasten the medication… the congressman is dead, there’s nothing we can do now…’, people surging slowly, a wave of flesh pushing me and Johnny forward and I’m drowning in it, my child not knowing what’s going on, little Johnny pulling at my hand like a weight I can no longer carry.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZugsycNE5
And they have the drink, purple liquid sloshing around in the tubs they carry, and cups in hand, ready to give out the fatal dose. They’re coming, they’re coming for him but I can’t let him go I can’t – ‘MAMA!’ – and then, weightless.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjeRI8jgaAy
Floating alone, the taste of bitter almonds and grapes in my mouth.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsNLLraFcCv
‘Please, please, there’s nothing to cry about… it’s not to be feared.’745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrfPAT7EcVK
Floating. The children are crying…
~
The congressman has to die.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrKEhuYjZTI
He and the traitors, I’ll shoot them, I know I will.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6nJHdCaN1
‘I want to leave too.’ The traitors pass side eyes and worried murmurs but it’s too late for them now. I’m coming with them.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSHvvnbfYrx
‘Very well.’ The congressman, with his manners and suits and words, all lies, all lies!745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRUpmT0LTDu
I’m repulsed by the filth of the people I get into the truck with. You can smell it inside them – the filth of an unloyal, a weak and cowardly piece of meat that deserves no place in Jonestown.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5SVXezbxOq
I make sure to sit at the front of the truck. It’ll be easier then – in a single movement, I will draw the sharpened blade from my pocket and it will seek out the evil and stop it from destroying this holy place.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZW9tSIS3gE
The trees begin thinning out as if the forest itself can’t bear to come near the airfield – a feeling I share. It’ll be quick, I tell myself, and Mr. Ryan will be dead.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfoqSZ0fW5V
snitch745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2HzkXVmrfb
swish745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiBztB2EGbL
hick745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJZT8THmMNk
umph745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT6zq3xZb7j
The taste of old soil and pungent rainwater fill my mouth. I’ve failed Jones, I know I have.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaor5RaDzP7
‘…file a criminal complaint. I’ll take the others to the airstrip.’ Words, all lies, all lies!745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxvo7jZhjoV
Disgraceful. Metal wrapped around my arms, lodged against a trunk, jagged wood against my cheek. This other man thinks he is so superior, but when he dies, Jjara will punish him. Jjara will reward me for my good deeds, and he will reward Larry as well – this man, so clever, doesn’t know that there is another chance for me, rolling along wheels with the congressman. I will wait.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4L5ZVZj5uG
I close my eyes and count. One… two… three…
The sound of the man writing on a piece of paper.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLr4mwQnRfz
Ninety six… ninety seven…745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3xggCBO4TP
Four hundred and fifty eight…745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ18p0bqU5zv
The sound of a plane landing nearby.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHDRxMgdV2
Four hundred and eighty four…745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHzGIzYbhrm
The sound of gunshots.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hMLSzijG1
The man starts, and I lash out with my leg, the man falling so clumsily in that suit of his with a ‘Eruh!’ that betrays all his fancy accents and musings.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5fKDQUm2TK
Another kick. Another kick. The man is so weak without words, and the sounds stop eventually.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQL7gDZYG3T
One thousand eight hundred and thirty two.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuL471o5Sla
The plane hasn’t left. The traitors will never make it back to America.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dR9eCWYzp
Jjara smiles upon this day;745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkXZz6UWm90
The congressman is dead.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrM8xoPaAgK
Counting, counting.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL3fohiizQJ
Twenty two thousand…745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIs7dZBswGQ
Forty seven thousand…
~
I am ready to die.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6XUgwATtHu
‘I can tell you the answer now, because I am a prophet!’ I cheer with the others. Jones is a nice man. He has worked so very hard for us, and the woman is ungrateful for wanting to leave. This place, everything… it couldn’t have happened without the wonderful person standing in front of me.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfIAD82KR3U
‘Do you think I would put John’s life above the others? If I put John’s life above the others I wouldn’t be standing with Jjara. He’s no different to me than any of the others here. He’s just one of my children.’ Jones loves us all the same, you know, and that’s what made me come here; black living with white, all sisters and brothers in unity here. Jonestown gave what America could not.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡULxPNLlLTm
I move forward with Ted in my arms, careful not to push forward too fast. Ted was the sweetest child; and even now, he’s not crying like the others.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBypajwywLo
I clear my throat. ‘I just want to say something to everyone that I see that is standing around and are crying. This is nothing to cry about. This is something we should all rejoice about.’ Ted gurgles lightly at the sound of my voice and I hug him close to my chest. ‘I’ve been here one year and nine months and I never felt better in my life. Not in San Francisco, but until I came to Jonestown. I enjoy this life. I had a beautiful life. I don’t see nothing that I should be crying about. We should be happy.’ And they are cheering, clapping for me and I smile at all my sisters and brothers, and Jones’ smile at me brings such joy I know Ted can feel, beating from my heart into his, so small and so close.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHkmfuR54al
‘I want to do it.’ I say to the man with the cup. He gives it to me, a simple plastic thing but simple is all we ever needed in life, isn’t it? It’s enough for Jonestown.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXSMVUbdM3X
‘Now, now, Ted…’ I gently pour the child’s drink into his mouth, pausing for every swallow and breath. Once the cup is empty, just a small stain of purple at the bottom, I take my own – a sweet and bitter taste at once, like an aged and nutty wine.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8lBjbRmpVO
I lay down on the floor, calming words from Jones passing in one ear and out the other – the details don’t matter, just the soothing effect, and Teddy coos gently as I pat his head.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeAEDpd9LaK
And – I don’t know if it’s the hallelujah of my brothers and sisters rising in exultation, or if it is the sweet melodious voice of Jjara himself – but I can hear the most beautiful harmony of song, a brilliant cascade of music resonating through the skies – ‘Listen, Teddy!’ Such a sweet child, he is. ‘Can’t you hear the singing?’745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnsSUq0njFW
I’m floating, now, rising into a spiral of stars where I’ll find for me and Ted what I came here for – peace, peace, and below me, the Jonestown trees shatter and scatter, just a kaleidoscope of leaves that once resembled a landscape being blown away until nothing is left but the view of distant galaxies and the warmth of my child.745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4lh2wiTk5S
The voice of a good man echoes softly;745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvzDXVQUl2t
‘…you set 1000 people who say ‘We don’t like the way the world is’… I don’t know how in the world they’re gonna write about us. It’s just too late…’745Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtoCTyArgcn
Floating.
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