Dearest Alan,
Things have been rough lately. Most nights I wake up wishing you could take me in your arms and tell me it will be ok. You'd sing Amazing Grace, or read your favorite parts of the Bible to me, until I dozed off again.
You never lost your faith. You were always smiles teaching the youth's Sunday school class. You were more than just a teacher to them, you were a friend. How many times did you stay after church to talk to someone in need of advice? How often did their faces light up when you praised them? You always made sure to tell each of them one thing good about themselves, be it little or big. You preached God's words to young minds in a way they could understand, and you touched each of their hearts, just as you did mine.
How you fell for someone like me I will never know, but God gave me a miracle when he put you into my life. Even when your heart was struggling to do its job, it was you who reached over and took my hand. You who comforted me. You who wouldn't let anyone move our sleeping daughter from your hospital bed, because the only time she slept was the times she managed to pull herself onto your bed and snuggle close to your side. You were the one that our son looked up to, even when he fell so low that he swore he would never make it to the surface again. You worked patiently with the two boys who were related to you only by your marriage to me, helping to erase the horror of their world. You became the father that my brother had never been, and you put a rare smile on a broken child's face. Our adopted baby girl was no different than one you fathered yourself, and you always treated her as you did the others, never picking favorites. You loved them, and they knew that.647Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2iSet3ASs
You remember that t-shirt of yours that I hated? I wear it to bed every night, though it doesn't really smell like you anymore. And, Joey still wears your cross necklace you gave him. He almost never takes it off. Lacey always wears the locket you got her for her last birthday. She put a picture of you and her in it.
You'd be so proud of all the kids, and I know you are. I know your up there looking down on all of us, though it doesn't dull the pain or feel the empty spot in my heart. Brian still tries to work his life away, just to avoid those moments when nothing is occurring and the pain seems to flood back. Truth be told, I worry about him. I worry about all of the kids. Of course, you had more kids than lived at home, but all your "kids" are doing ok, and I just hope they know that you're proud of who they are.
I'm trying hard not to cry writing this, but at least as I type, my tears don't smudge the paper, because it still hurts. All our fights, our worst moments, I would gladly go through them again for the change to hold you for just a night.
But, Heaven doesn't have visiting hours, there is no plane that can reach there, no staircase leading the way. There's only the pain of knowing your gone, and all the blessings and wonders we were giving. The greatest things you gave me were your love and our children. I don't know when the time will come that I will once more be by your side, but when the time comes, together you and I will watch our children grow, from a place where we can no longer protect them, but pray that they know how much we love them, and how strong that love is.
I'd say I wish you were here, but I know that things are better this way. I know you are in a place where your heart no longer pains you, and where you no longer fight to keep our children from knowing of your pain. You always talked about one day walking where the angel's tread, and where you can meet your Maker, and bow before Him and the Son. So, until the day I can join you, please know that I'll never stop loving you. You were more than my husband, and the father to my children. You were my best friend.
Love you now and forever,
Sandra.
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