I'm on semester break right now.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMAtSwrBs2j
I don't know why. I don't know why, but depression came back.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuuNUZy6gWh
Though I know it's always been there anyways. It's been there forever. It's simply a matter of ignoring it. I ignored it for 8 months and now- suddenly, I can't anymore.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfFAMIyzVTk
My depression was severe last year. I broke off the only mutual friendship I have with someone. I know she forever hates me, and it is my fault she does. I saw her rant once, she says, "I love you but-" and then she'd say the stuffs I do that annoys her.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfV2hhrjb7e
Now she hates me. Even though I was the one who purposely got in a fight that I know WILL make her angry at me inside out, for some reason I feel.. bereft. 697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBZC4CxTXzp
It's ironic. She called me a 'cold calculated machine' afterwards, and here I am, glassy-eyed from losing her as a friend. 697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfMUVzGnXkb
She moved on without me now, so that's good. That was the reason I broke off our friendship anyways. So I can die without feeling guilt (she's the only one that would actually care).697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMwPh8uexhd
I hope she prospers.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9hoNFFYMXl
But she's not the reason my depression exists, no. She's simply a support that helped me stay alive throughout it. Now that it's gone, naturally, I'm a lot worse than I was before.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ33oGmw8DxB
I've been like this for god knows how long. 697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvJW3aMA2VO
I don't want to write nor code anymore. They used to give me joy. Even though they stress me out, I gain pleasure from it.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmxO6HjZ2la
And suddenly I regret choosing my course for the college. I should've picked Linguistics, or a TEFL certificate. I get overwhelmed, and when I do it gets hard to breathe and it suffocates me out.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyoIuRR7U5Y
I don't know. I don't know.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC0y245tlUZ
This is why I hate breaks and holidays. It means free time. Free time to think about things that are not work-related. Free time to acknowledge the very thing you've been trying to busy yourself from noticing.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYLLoSxQkU1
I get stressed easily, and would usually fall ill from stress. "Rest," my coursemate advises. But I can't rest. I mustn't. The only thing that truly relaxes me is work. When I was at college I felt truly happy. I was stressed, sure, but I finally thought to myself that maybe I'm okay now. That maybe depression has starts to dissipate and decided that I think life to be worth living.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJC0h4z97D
College sucks so much because it's tiring. The lodgings are located far from the campus, and my dormitory is on the 3rd floor. Up and down every day, at 0600, 1710 and 1830. We get back to dormitory at 2200. Since it's a hilly side there's stairs everywhere, so you'll find yourself heaving every time you go up or down one if you have low stamina. 697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡytLylxFNdg
College sucks, but I love it. It busies me. Takes my time.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ90ynXVZGaE
Now it's semester break, I can't occupy myself. I would do coding or writing but I no longer like it.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSGZiebmyeM
To think that I ended my only friendship because I was am so sure of my imminent death by my hands. I thank my past self. I know I'd do it one way or the other. Come to think of it, I think I'd be pissed if I die by accident or natural cause.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKaBsTEFAD7
Funny story: I tried to apply for online therapy. They got back to me a few weeks later, and they say: "sorry, but we don't think this is the best course of action for you. We have evaluated your form and find that it is best for you to seek help with the nearest therapy centre available or tell your family members or friends."697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGilvszaSAK
"Thank you," the last line wrote. 697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6L06N9OJtv
And then I chortled.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0czknjYyqO
If an online and free therapy won't even keep me, why would one that's near me? The nearest one wouldn't even constitute as 'near'.697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY1SfLPp8dj
My family would laugh if I ever tell them about my depression, and I have no friends (coursemates and acquaintances are NOT friends), so that rules the latter decision out. 697Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYCzKD4J4cK
I don't know. It's so jarring to be someone who focuses on the future while knowing I might not even get there; that all my efforts of achieving the future I dream of is useless anyways.
I'm not okay, but who am I to complain? I'm still alive only because I know my reasons are inane. I'm still alive just because offing myself means I'm trivialising everyone else who are facing through much worse situations yet are still strong.
I'm not okay, but that's okay.
ns216.73.217.1da2
然後按「加至主畫面」