I'm on semester break right now.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPeQd4Q7qcj
I don't know why. I don't know why, but depression came back.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBseNdJO6dl
Though I know it's always been there anyways. It's been there forever. It's simply a matter of ignoring it. I ignored it for 8 months and now- suddenly, I can't anymore.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsiXSiRaeQa
My depression was severe last year. I broke off the only mutual friendship I have with someone. I know she forever hates me, and it is my fault she does. I saw her rant once, she says, "I love you but-" and then she'd say the stuffs I do that annoys her.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxMKLf7ok5x
Now she hates me. Even though I was the one who purposely got in a fight that I know WILL make her angry at me inside out, for some reason I feel.. bereft. 675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡao0DTMUWnh
It's ironic. She called me a 'cold calculated machine' afterwards, and here I am, glassy-eyed from losing her as a friend. 675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwMSxfmocD5
She moved on without me now, so that's good. That was the reason I broke off our friendship anyways. So I can die without feeling guilt (she's the only one that would actually care).675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJWyfRJOGsz
I hope she prospers.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡORdsYyCnaG
But she's not the reason my depression exists, no. She's simply a support that helped me stay alive throughout it. Now that it's gone, naturally, I'm a lot worse than I was before.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYte4k0UgPM
I've been like this for god knows how long. 675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRfYrYmYNj
I don't want to write nor code anymore. They used to give me joy. Even though they stress me out, I gain pleasure from it.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8EtrvH8sQA
And suddenly I regret choosing my course for the college. I should've picked Linguistics, or a TEFL certificate. I get overwhelmed, and when I do it gets hard to breathe and it suffocates me out.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡssXg5QThRM
I don't know. I don't know.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY5XikT0RTD
This is why I hate breaks and holidays. It means free time. Free time to think about things that are not work-related. Free time to acknowledge the very thing you've been trying to busy yourself from noticing.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxP7U6qEEmO
I get stressed easily, and would usually fall ill from stress. "Rest," my coursemate advises. But I can't rest. I mustn't. The only thing that truly relaxes me is work. When I was at college I felt truly happy. I was stressed, sure, but I finally thought to myself that maybe I'm okay now. That maybe depression has starts to dissipate and decided that I think life to be worth living.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqYl6EH69mp
College sucks so much because it's tiring. The lodgings are located far from the campus, and my dormitory is on the 3rd floor. Up and down every day, at 0600, 1710 and 1830. We get back to dormitory at 2200. Since it's a hilly side there's stairs everywhere, so you'll find yourself heaving every time you go up or down one if you have low stamina. 675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb3dz3nY6G5
College sucks, but I love it. It busies me. Takes my time.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhpqxImbdyC
Now it's semester break, I can't occupy myself. I would do coding or writing but I no longer like it.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCgT8BeWuAg
To think that I ended my only friendship because I was am so sure of my imminent death by my hands. I thank my past self. I know I'd do it one way or the other. Come to think of it, I think I'd be pissed if I die by accident or natural cause.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN00PGNRcE4
Funny story: I tried to apply for online therapy. They got back to me a few weeks later, and they say: "sorry, but we don't think this is the best course of action for you. We have evaluated your form and find that it is best for you to seek help with the nearest therapy centre available or tell your family members or friends."675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUTKpMaSrR
"Thank you," the last line wrote. 675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡli2gwG0xkv
And then I chortled.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ9jwSH0YiO
If an online and free therapy won't even keep me, why would one that's near me? The nearest one wouldn't even constitute as 'near'.675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZABXQjX29M
My family would laugh if I ever tell them about my depression, and I have no friends (coursemates and acquaintances are NOT friends), so that rules the latter decision out. 675Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZnhsiLpD2L
I don't know. It's so jarring to be someone who focuses on the future while knowing I might not even get there; that all my efforts of achieving the future I dream of is useless anyways.
I'm not okay, but who am I to complain? I'm still alive only because I know my reasons are inane. I'm still alive just because offing myself means I'm trivialising everyone else who are facing through much worse situations yet are still strong.
I'm not okay, but that's okay.
ns13.59.182.74da2
and then Add to home screen.