Of all days I had to pick to kill myself, it had to be today. The sky is overcast, so there’s no embracing rays of sunshine. It would’ve been nice to die watching the sunset, with the atmosphere bleeding rainbow on the earth. Of course, I'm still going for the noose over the knife; I’m not that poetic, you know.
The thick mist coming in ain’t helping. Blocks out the nice view of the bay. On clear sunny days, you can see the colourful fishing boats, the islands stretching out, and sometimes, whales or seals flying up from that big, blue, sparkling mystery. Today is all unsexy 50 shades of grey and haunting silhouettes. At least the bugs aren’t out, with their buzzing and biting.
Sure, I could wait until tomorrow, because that’s going to be a typical, clear hot August Day, but everyone'll be home. You, too. And I can’t have anyone sabotaging this. It’s why I’ve kept it a secret. It’s only logical.
‘How is suicide logical?!’ I’m predicting you’ll be asking. Then you’ll gape like a fish before glaring at this note upon reading these lines. Lol.
We both know I’m no mind-reader, just being all smug and deducing. It was good to have this mind. I know that you felt less lonely with me around. I did, too. Someone at your higher level, but could still give you a run for your money! What can I say, I’m I was a little sibling. Annoyance was in my DNA!
But you know that. We both do. Just like how we both know how effective those pills were on me. Turned down the voice’s screams until they were just whispers. I could still hear them, like you, but at least it was only if I chose to listen. All the senses mellowed and possibilities narrowed, so I never had to over think again and actually do stuff without paranoia analyzing every little thing for danger. Lonely night walks weren’t for me anymore, because I wanted the sun’s heat to accompany me all the time. I remember my cheeks hurting for the first few days of pills from all the happiness and smiling I did, and the way that ecstasy from every person’s being that I met jolted the soreness numb.
Every day was the same blissful dream.
Until it stagnated. When everything is joyful, nothing truly is. I couldn’t stay so high, I needed to come down. So I went cold turkey. And fell to rock bottom. Didn’t see that one coming did I?
Well, I did think of it. A voice begged me not to, but I couldn’t hear it, amirite? But it’s fine, really, because this means things are changing. I remember you said to me one time about that. Whether one evolves or devolves with who they are, life will always be exciting. Stagnation is death.
These pills turned me into a zombie, and Zombies are better left dead. It’s just logic.
I wonder how you feel about that. Maybe you don’t agree with me. Maybe you don’t want to, but you can’t argue with me right now words and paper. Maybe you have regretted ever having to have said shared that with me at this very spot, because I’m just twisting it. Maybe you’re actually pissed off. Maybe a combo of the mentioned.
I don’t know.
But that’s fine, because I’m fine.
You can probably read that, this paper sucks to write on. Or maybe that’s just me being weak from not eating.
Yeah, confession: I’ve been lying about eating right. Withdrawal really fucks with your system! When you’re hungry, but you don’t want to eat and vice-versa. Even so, Mom has probably been sneaking the pills in the food.
Jeez, I wanted to end this better, but now I’m just pratt spilling out a bunch of randomness. I guess one last thing I could say is I’m sorry for using your abusive babysitter against you sometimes. I know we can all just say that I’m young and it’s the pill's fault, but I didn’t need to bring her up all those times. Thanks for putting up with me. My only real regret is not saying it to your face but using a message like some coward.
I don’t know when you’re going to find this tucked onto my bike, but its night time as I’m finishing this up. The fog is still out, blurring the line between sky and sea. It’s almost like I’m at the edge of the world, already at the foot of the next. The stars are out, too – of course the clouds would follow the sun. I can feel a smile on my face, not huge, but big enough to not strain my cheek muscles.
See ya.
-Mate
It feels a little weird not writing in Second Person. There's more to this, but I had to trim it down to fit the contest's limits.
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