Today looking myself in the mirror, I don’t find a thing by which anyone can recognize me as the same Victoria. I have grown older, wrinkles are now visible on my face, a smile never leaving my face and even my attire has become much simpler.
But that is not why people will have a hard time recognizing me as same Victoria, it is because I can feel my thinking have also changed, the ways I look the things have changed. And yes, he is reason behind it; he came, taught, and went away, leaving me alone.
I was sitting on my table when my lovely secretary called me and asked to reach auditorium. Today the students of various institutes are coming, with their will to make this world a better place to live and hope towards humanity these are the true game changer.
I am on the stage, the chosen students, selected by their teachers are sitting in front of me. They are barely hundred but the truth is even if one of them could take true oath to humanity this world will have to change. My secretary after a short intro handed over the mic to me and that is when I started speaking, “My energized youth, how are you all? I hope doing fine.” I left a sharp breath and continued, “Now that was quite formal than actually intended, so now let us leave the formality aside. I am Victoria and am founder of this NGO rehabilitation centre which works to give the humans a second chance in this stereotypical society. I will try to answer all your answers in this session and if could not I am sure we will meet some day, some place in near future.” I then widened my smile and continued, “A little request, please ask one by one.”
One boy raised his hand as soon as I ended my sentence; I signed him to ask,
“First of all, I would like to congratulate you now that it has been 20 years of your successful guidance and founding of this place.”
“Thank you for reminding me that, actually I just forgot about it why this seminar was actually organized.” I replied chuckling, getting chuckle from students in reply.
“I want to ask that everyone has a fear in heart to not be outcaste by this society, the work you are doing makes you that? We all know your motive is to provide a second chance to those who have a chance to change and support such people out there in making them help stand with pride in society. But working in immense negativity and pardon to say but filthy people, not to say there are stories of you getting injured in their counselling sessions many times. How do you cope with this?”
“Wow, this quite deep seems like you are perfectionist who gave a lot of time to trying to come up with perfect question.” And then after remembering some flashes of past I continued,
“At first, when I started this, I had a certain idea that this will happen. But, there is certain event in my life which forced me to do this to break the stereotypical thinking. My past taught me to look the world from their perspective and I realized that they have love, faith, hope buried deep down in their hearts. But this world and it’s so called morality don’t give them the chance to leave their dark façade, it forces them to think themselves as the one who can’t change and is bad. Someone had to be there for them, and I helped them. In this mission, I knew if I want to truly help the people who have been considered demons and have started to think themselves like one. I learnt I had to get over the fear of society and myself. So I learnt to accept all of myself first, and then anxieties, pains, stories, investigation, we decide to help one by checking certain measures. The inspiration to help, to not others let face what I had to actually helped me, and still do.”
He sat down nodding try to understand what it actually means, no matter how much I try to say they themselves have to see it in order to understand.
“Actually, they say you don’t give any criminal attached to rape cases entry here. Don’t you think they are also criminals and deserve second chance according to what you are saying?” A girl about half of my age asked this.
Such questions have bitter memories of my heart.
“Well according to me and my experiences, the one who is possible for these instances or related to any of this is sinner. And even god can’t forgive him in the place of the one who had to actually face it; the stereotypes regarding this are even tougher. The one who this have became numb to emotions and outer world even death is unable to do justice to what he did. Not like not eve related, come on, my institute is not all about criminals, it also help those who faced such types of harassment and investigate for if it is a false acquisition. However, until investigation is done no entry to the true devil.”
“You have recently written a book about this guy, are the thoughts it contain are truly yours?” A boy with notepad in his hands asked this.
“No, not at all, it is actually based on the life of someone close to me. It is his life and trying to write it from his perspective it have his thoughts.” He sat down writing it fast.
“You are daughter of a late businessman. But you donated all the money and started this mission. It is said that it is because of the person who actually killed your father. Some even say you tried to save him.” She paused and made eye contact with me from behind her glasses, “Is it true? Is that is why this NGO ever started?” I sighed listening it.
“First of all I request you to sit down and would like to ask everyone to be comfortable in their seats. The truth is, it is a deep question and I don’t know how to correctly answer it. The better is that all of you listen to my life story and then decided. It started 20 years back…”
***
That night was different from any other past night of my life. The snow has been falling no stop for past few days and all the means of communication were dead. After dinner I was sitting in the hall, I guess everyone else was fast asleep, so I was the only awake person there at that time; most possibly even guards were taking naps.
I was busy reading some novel that is when I heard a knock on the door. But it was a huge door, there was dead silence around so I thought I am hallucinating. Few minutes later, I again heard knock. I closed y book and walked to the door, the truth is I was actually hoping to see my dad, who was out for more than a week now. But when I opened the door I found an injured man freezing at my door step.
“Can I stay here for tonight?” He asked a simple and straight question but it aroused something inside me. Not to add he was really very handsome and had a charming aura which seemed to attract me to him. I simply nodded and led him to one of the guest room; his forehead had a cut which was still bleeding a little. I asked him to sit on the bed and he obeyed me but with question in eyes.
I took out first-aid box from the drawer and went to him, “It will blaze a little but it will heal the injury fast.” I said cleaning his wound with antiseptic liquid. He didn’t utter a word and after dressing his wound I silently left the room. But it felt like I seriously did something wrong or missed to do something, so I once again entered the room to find him fast asleep on the bed. He didn’t even change into night clothes kept there. He was really tired, so was I but I was not able to sleep the whole night. Thoughts about him covered my thoughts; the prominent one was if he was fine, not how he can be here.
Next day, I woke up to find he has already left. I was having my breakfast but I can tell I was sad and missing something important. I was feeling restless, that is when my secretary told me that father had asked me to join him for some party and it is around the corner. He had called me before the snow fall to ask me to join him on the island but all transports are already full because of Christmas season. I didn’t want to trouble dad with this one. That night he again came on my door step and noticed my mood of change he was still on the porch when asked, “Why are you upset?”
I told him about the party and no mean to reach there; he asked me to wait and then left. I was sitting near the window at that time waiting for him, his jus one word fixed me there, “Wait.”
While waiting I slept near the window on my chair, next morning when I opened my eyes I was on the cosy bed with blankets on. I smiled, why, I don’t know. But I smiled as I got up and yes he was there sleeping on the chair, something led me to him and forced me to look at him and admire him until mu cruel sun conscious taunted me and I left. On the table near window there were three tickets of the ship which was going to that island. I would have kissed him if the thought of my fiancé would not have come, I was that happy, and that he was handsome, was cherry on top.
I later made him comfortable on bed with help of maids, one of them tried to justify as she let him enter here but I paid no heed. Rude. I know but I was so busy looking out for him. He opened his eyes at 8:19 pm exactly, I remember because I was there for him the whole time. His eyes had emotions of gratefulness, but he never said a thing about it while I was busy thanking him again and again. Next morning, which was the day ship was leaving I tried to enquire from where he got the ticket. He simply said, “That place have my hometown, even after destruction of my family’s fate at that place, my sister live there. I go there for Christmas and because of that had to buy tick in black each time. Getting two more tickets was not the problem he know me.”
I could not ask anymore his eyes, this answer, was enough to assume that he had a really rough and difficult past. I didn’t want to hear about it. So he again became silent and I got busy with my fiancé who was going with me. The passing events after that are blur but I remember standing near railing with my fiancé and that is when I lost my balance and fell off the ship directly in the icy cold water.
I became unconscious after that, when I became conscious, I felt his lips against mine, it was my first kiss and it was with him when I didn’t even know his name. After that I felt my drenched clothes sticking to me, it was freezing. The person who gave me my life then pulled apart and I saw my fiancé standing in the corner like true coward. The more cowardly act of his, he was the one who pushed me and made me lost the balance, I could have mistaken it for his mistake but him looking at me fiercely proved the fact he wanted to kill me. I got up and walked to him with wall’s support and slapped him hard, it left the mark and it felt really good, better than going on any social event with him or any of his confession without feelings.
Next day, when I opened my eyes, I was feeling that something is off my chest and it was surely him, our relationship was actually some sort of deal between him and my father but now I was free. I came out of my room and the first person whom I saw was him. The open who gave me tickets, the one who saved my life, the one who seemed mine even if stranger. He was standing near railing, looking at the sky. My feet themselves decided to walk me to him and I greeted him. He greeted back and asked, “Will you mind having dinner with me tonight?” This question was indirect and in those days symbolized to ask for date.
His question surprised me, he was real charm, handsome and drop dead gorgeous. I have the confidence that I was not bad looking either. But the question still caught me off-guard as I never felt or his body language never showed any type of attraction for me. But yes, even thought I was in relation, I was attracted to him since the first sight of him. I agreed, and for the first time I saw him smiling, and it seemed angelic, truly impossible. He then retired asking me to wait till night; I stood there for a while before I got hungry and left for breakfast.
The day seemed to pass by fast, I style my hair, wore a black formal dress which was really covering still what you guys say nowadays HOT. Intentionally or unintentionally I wore a dark red lipstick. He came by my room invited me outside and escorted to the table. I expected him to be silent as usual but he actually opened up and told me his name; Richard. We kept talking about various topics, he kept the atmosphere light and actually managed to tear my eyes because of laughing. That night was floating and when it felt the temperature is dropping he came to leave me back to my room.
But before I could open the door he held me and turned me around, his gaze was intense and it was giving me weird and intense emotions, I tried resisting to it but after a while I completely gave in and he became my controller. He leaned in, I closed my eyes, his warm breath was over my neck but before doing anything he whispered, “Forgot to tell you, you are looking beautiful. I really had to resist to not devour your lips but that was until now. You win.” And before I could understand what it means, his lips was on mine.
Even though I was in relationship before all this emotions and sensations were new for me. He was my first in true senses; even importantly he was my first and last love. I was yet to realize this but he broke the kiss and said goodbye, leaving me confused over who actually won. That was the start of our relation.
After parting our ways, I went to the hotel my room was already booked by dad and after attending the party after few days I was getting bored. That is when I received his note it was a natural meeting, can’t lie I was badly missing him and his eyes in particular. It had to be just meeting but it ended up with him and me on the bed doing that. I had asked him before had to meet my father once to whom he agreed, I did do because I doubted him being there in the morning and I was correct he was not there. And it did hurt, that is when I realized it was my love for him. I fell for a complete stranger who knew everything about me and I knew none.
We only met twice on that island, in the second meeting I saw him with the knife that has already passed my dad. My eyes widened and heart broke, I lost both of my love in one day, because no, I could not love murderers I hated them. Looking at it opened all the gates of tears to flow out. He ran towards me with fear in his eyes, “Victoria! Victoria!”
I stepped back when he reached near me. “Don’t you dare come near me, don’t you dare. I was going to say I love you but now I HATE YOU. YOU KILLED MY FATHER, YOU KILLED MY LAST OF FAMILY, YOU – YOU BLO*DY YOU MADE ME ORPHAN.”
“Victoria…” He only said one word it was filled with numerous pleadings but I could not notice it.
“You used me, acted to love me, acted to save me, you just used me Richard. To reach my father to kill him…. You.” My voice trailed off.
“I love you.” He just said that not as a plea but as a statement.
“Don’t you dare use it as an excuse, and if you really have anything for me surrender to police. My father can’t be your first murder surrender for all of them. Accept it and get out of my sight.” Biggest mistake of my life, he left and later really did accept it all, I returned from the island to my home after completing all the formalities about dad.
The next I saw him on the court day, he accepted all his crimes in front of magistrate and was given the death sentence. I later met him outside to spit venom or my anger which was not completely exhausted, “Don’t you think, you did as I said, so it will change my emotions for you. I can’t love you in this life.”
But to its reply he smiled and said, “And don’t ever think that I used you. I repeat, I love you.”
With that he was taken inside the vehicle and left, it was a high profile murder case so of course I had to live in den till all the matter actually ends. Few days later, I received a letter from unknown name; its design reminded me that of one Richard sent me. I was still not over him, I knew it then, I know it now I can never hate him, can just say it in words. It asked to meet me the address was given of a hotel with room number. At first many strange thoughts came to my mind but then I decided to go there. The address was true and the hotel in front of my eyes was cheap like really poor and cheap.
I went to that room and knocked, a girl of about my age opened the door her eyes were void and she simply gestured me to come inside and sit on the bed while she sat on a chair nearby. I started enquiring, “You was the one who sent me the letter?”
She nodded. I then asked, “So what is it, you wanted to tell me.”
She opened her mouth and spoke not looking in my eyes, “Your father was a criminal he was a murdered and the rapist too.”
Listening about him like this boiled my blood, “WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO DECLARE THAT?”
She smiled and was now looking at me, “I am Julivia, Richard’s sister, yes the one who killed your god like father in your eyes but of devil in many eyes like mine. In your eyes I am sister of a murderer but in my eyes I am sister of a boy whose family shattered because of your father, don’t look at me like that firstly hear me. Ten years back, the conditions were not so, I used to have just as normal family as anyone could have. My mother worked in your father’s company and dad was a doctor. That say too I and Richard returned from school as normally as it could be but when we entered inside we found our mother’s body hanging on the fan. She was molested by your father, not once but many times, he always threatened to kill her children means us. It started when your father killed his own wife in front of our mother’s eyes. She had left a suicide note which read so. I was 8 and Richard was 10 at that time, he called father and asked for emergency service of ambulance. But she was already dead, later that night dad got that letter in bedroom he tried his best and got proof against your father. But he sent goons and they killed him in front of our eyes, we also had to run away from there, our normal life was long gone. Richard made it his aim to kill all those responsible for what happened. I returned back home after matter cooled but he never did just send me money each month. One by one he killed them all it took years to plan perfect strategy and kill them. But you were never part of his plan, he never knew you are that devil’s daughter when he knocked that door. He was running from guards, it was freezing cold outside so he took shelter. He fell for you much before than you did that night when you dressed his wounds you became the angel who took his heart’s possession. He sent me a letter telling about you and how disappointed he was that you were already engaged. He was actually coming to me for Christmas and took you with him. You called him to meet your father that was when he first realized who he was. He killed devil, because he has traced Richard and that day he was about to kill him when he stabbed him in reply. I don’t have anything; I want my brother to live, because he is my only family.” Tears started rolling down her cheeks, she continued, “Tell me if my brother deserve a second chance, if he does then who was at fault. I cannot prove it to you because you have eternal trust over your father, go and verify it for yourself. GO. YOUR FATHER IS A RAPIST HE IS A SINNER. MY MOTHER WAS NEITHER FIRST NOR LAST.” She said it once more and broke down in front of me.
He is a sinner! Her words were ringing in my ears when I reached home, I tried to find truth her words were true word by word. Not an essence of lie about what she told me about my father. I mourned till days for saying Richard what he did, for blindly following the person who was my father. He didn’t even request president to change death sentence in something else, this while all my attempts to reach him failed. It was the day he was going to be hanged I got the chance to meet him in the last moments of his life. He entered the room and smiled looking at me it was like he got new life, “I asked Julivia to not contact you but she didn’t listen.” I ignored his comment.
“Why didn’t you tell me when you had the chance?”
“It would have broken you the better was I break your heart.”
“But now even I am broken and my heart is shattering again.” He looked at me sighed was at that side of table leaned in now and softly kissed my forehead and then pecked my lips, then backed away.
“You can still run away I will handle the officers anyway.”
“No Victoria I will have to die, you said, you will not be able to love me in this life, you accept your father was devil but he was your father. How will you see me as your lover or murdered of your father. For your trust’s sake we will have to meet once again in next life, because it is broken beyond reply in this life. Don’t cry. Stay blessed!” With that the guards dragged him out.
By that time I was already letting my tears flow down once again but that day sitting there I promised myself it will be last time.
***
“An old saying goes as you can’t understand what other is going through until yourself have to face it. Julivia lives with me now in my house and Richard in my heart. That year was a bad one for me and that is when the thought of starting place like this came in my mind. So, I did this. I hope all of you will try to understand the things from both the perspectives since now. And rapists are sinners. I hope that answers your question.” I opened my eyes to find most of the students crying. With the memories of my past arising in my heart I smiled once again ready to face upcoming questions. My heart supported me looking Richard by my side giving me thumbs up. After a little more silence, I once again started speaking, “That story from 20 years back killed your curiosity in present? Come on. Who is asking next?”
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