Do you ever miss something you never thought you would? That you can spend years knowing you're better without, and then something just... throws you?
A girl I was friends with a long time ago tweeted some lyrics to a song by a band I used to love back then on the anniversary of their gig in our town. On the 11th November two-thousand-and-something (2011 perhaps?) I saw this band for the second or third time, and all I remember is being with three of my then-best friends (only one of them I remain in contact with to this day) and sobbing all the way through the last song, because everything in my life revolved around that band and those friends. In the back of my mind, I always knew that this friend never loved the band as much as I, but as a dutiful best friend (oh, the irony of hindsight!) she willingly tagged along with me to their gigs and screamed at the stage and waited outside in the freezing cold with me afterwards just so I could get to meet my most favourite band in the world. Sounds nice, doesn't it?517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡji5faGz1oV
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Sometimes I wonder about what would be if all that shit hadn't have gone down all those years ago... A group of what had been eight incredibly close best friends fractured and split down the middle, like a block of marble cut in half. It was for the best; each of us had had our own little battles with each other, and all it took was a spark to light the fuse that made us all explode. We haven't spoken since.517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnj8EsQ0TFf
I'll admit I often think about what they're doing, but up until this point I have always, always, harboured a resentment that I didn't think would ever, ever go away. When I see her tweets on my timeline, I'd scroll right past, feeling either the aforesaid resentment or just nothing. Not a good nothing either. An emptiness that suggested all those years of memories had ceased to mean anything to me.517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTJhPZQhCWF
But Timehop (the genius app that tells you exactly what you were doing on this day one, two, three, four, five, six years ago by using your social media) reminds me of those friends on an almost daily basis and only recently I realised, must remind them of us, too. Whilst I know that myself and my friends still often talk about what happened between us all, I had always doubted that the other side even allowed us to cross their minds for the barest second. And then I saw this tweet.517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡalHN6bVpnt
Simple lyrics, that's all. Good shoes won't save you this time.517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRUphFR9cl1
It's been four years, but I'll never forget that line. The band in question imploded in December 2012. The singer was accused and convicted of attempting to rape a one-year old child and drug abuse. I'll remember the day I found out for the rest of my life. If you've never invested all you have in a band, you probably won't understand. But to suddenly discover that they will probably end things, and in the most horrific way too, is... soul-crushing. To add salt to the wound, the best friend in question was the one to deliver me the news. And she did it in the middle of the college cafeteria. With a smile on her face. She laughed as I tried not to cry. But I digress.517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUNRUNukPsY
The point is, those lyrics are tainted. Many people that listen to the band now are met with uneasy looks or raised eyebrows. Why would she, of all people, listen to that particular song, by that particular band, on that particular date? Did she remember her long-gone best friends and that band that one of them loved? Did she put on her iPod and listen to their songs, probably for the first time in years?517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtDi3ktuC8J
When I saw that tweet it hit me like a tonne of bricks, that maybe, just maybe, they've thought about me, too. And for all the times that I've been wondering what they're doing, perhaps I've crossed their minds once or twice.517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyFTRWbxx2Y
After so long of being over the events of the past, I have found myself reliving it. I don't think I miss their friendship - it was toxic and hurtful and all of us are better without it - yet I think of those years and miss it. 517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCcsH41nl37
I am not who I was back then. My life has different focus, different goals and I have different tastes and, besides two or three exceptions, new friends. Why then, am I so fixated with the girl I was five years ago? Why do I even feel the need to write about what happened back then, since I can honestly say that if I saw the girl I once called my best friend again, I think I'd still be angry. I think I'd feel sick to my stomach, I think I'd remember each and every moment she stole my thunder, every moment she made me feel less.517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQm70svuqtu
And yet.517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ814PXJCUiE
I miss that night in two-thousand-and-something. So shortly before everything collapsed, but all I remember is having my arms around two of my best friends' shoulders, swaying to the music, staring at my favourite band as the tears rolled down my cheeks and I prayed to God that they never had to leave that stage.517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXPc5eMII4x
Little did I know that two months later that man would be a criminal standing trial. Little did I know that less than six months later the friends by my side would become people I no longer cared for.517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkYqzEnmJpn
So much has changed, and when I think back I remember how shitty some of those friends made me feel, and I don't know why, maybe it's stress, but I actually find myself missing it to the point of tears. Huh.
I dunno.517Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMzxV7ttmOr
and then Add to home screen.