The kiss that changed it all…
“Is this really reality? Is this not a dream?” I ask myself. Ever since I was a child I always asked that. I don't know why but there’s something off about this world that I can't put my finger on… “I think, therefore I am" I say to myself while putting my thoughts aside.
My mother died when I was at a young age but I never really minded it. I thought that I didn't care about her, more like I hated her but I didn’t realize how big of a void there was in my heart…..
After my mother’s death I thought I wanted revenge on her and I felt free so I was always a troublemaker, picking fights and creating chaos everywhere I go. I just didn’t care was all.My dad was never really there for me as he was busy running his businesses and putting food on the table, my sister and I never really got along well so we always fought and usually I was by myself. “I don’t care at all I just want to have fun.” Is what I usually say to myself. Because of my attitude I was expelled even though I excelled in academics. The summer after I was expelled my dad told me about it in a restaurant. I was sitting comfortably on the chair holding my chopsticks while the scent of tempura and sushi flowed through the air and then suddenly my dad tells me with a serious expression “Steven you have been expelled by the school.” I just nod “I didn't have any friends there anyway i don’t really care.” I thought to myself. Seeing me nod my dad nods back and says “Well they expelled you for your behaviour not your grades, your grades are pretty high.” He pauses slightly takes a bite on his sushi and says “I will transfer you to a new school and I know you can easily do well there because you have always been a bright boy but...you need to really fix your behaviour my son.” As always I nod but not really caring too much I finish eating. The same night in my bed a horrible thought creeped into my head “I will go to jail in the future” I start crying for no reason. But even after crying I still tried to put that thought at the back of my head and forget about it.
My new school was co-ed and I wasn't used to it, but because of that it was perfect for me. In a brightly colored classroom I was standing in front of a group of students who were watching me with curious eyes, my stomach twisting and turning from my nervousness but I endured it. The teacher told me “Steven Davidson please introduce yourself.” and a few seconds later I reply with a big smile on my face “Good Afternoon everyone my name is Steven Davidson a please take care of me!” And that was the start of my adventure in my new school… I met a few crushes and because of that i tried being a bit more behaved but even still for a normal child my behaviour was still excessive. But at the 3rd year in my new school everything will change because of my one decision and I didn't even know it yet. The summer before my 3rd year in the new school started I was going about my days like usually did. I didn't really care but I was enjoying myself doing random things that were fun everyday was like an adventure some days I would go boxing with my trainer that my dad hired other days i would play basketball with some friends that I met but wasn't particularly close to and etc.. But just when school started I met her. She would change my life but I didn't even know it yet. She was my teacher, at first I was doing what I usually did have fun and create a bit of trouble here and there though a lot more suppressed than I used to. But she was different she never talked to me like I was abnormal, she treated me fairly and kindly. After an unknown period of time together we started getting close..no the whole class was getting closer, myself included.My behaviour started to improve and I wasn't getting into any trouble anymore. Those days it was fun and simple but everything changed. It was a school trip and she was my seatmate at the bus. The bus silence drifted through the bus, it was already nighttime and we were returning to school. I don’t know why but I was intoxicated by her sleeping face. I looked around to see if anyone was awake or looking at me. Seeing nobody I decided, the decision that was going to change my life forever. I kissed her in the lips. “Oh God!! I kissed my teacher in the lips!” I think to myself while looking around the bus nervously. “Maybe if i pretend that I was just kissing her in the cheeks numerous times then she wouldn't know I kissed her in the lips!” Because of that naive thought I did as I had planned planting numerous kissing around her face. “Whew I think it will be fine no one saw that as I prepared to sleep in my bed after taking a ride home from school. The next day of school I was shocked because when I was called to meet her she asked me with cat-like very curious expression “Why did you kiss me in the lips yesterday?” With a flustered and blushing expression I replied “I-I I don't know!” Seeing me flustered but innocently trying to avoid eye contact she laughed and smiled at me and said its ok.Immediately she kissed me. I stood there shocked by her action but she gazed at me with a beautifully kind expression that could warm the hearts of terrorists and asked me with a beautifully kind expression “I know your mom died early so maybe I can be like a 2nd mom to you?” I never seen a kinder and more beautiful sight than that and immediately I smiled and nervously said “Ye-yes!”. We started becoming closer and closer always innocently kissing whenever no one's gaze would follow. But the escalation started when I slept over in her house. We were watching a movie together side by side. And slept together in the same bed. I don’t remember how it came to this but while we were just relaxing talking to each other side by side our gazes resting onto the ceiling she asked with nervousness evident on her voice “Steven do you want to remove our shirts and press our shirtless bodies on each other?” I with slight confusion say “U-uh yeah ok let's do that.” So we did, I could feel her breasts pressing up against my chest and though I was feeling slightly apprehensive I did not suggest we should stop. Finally after I while we separated but before she fell asleep she told me “It's hard for people to wake me up while I sleep it need s a lot of effort” and I just nodded thinking nothing of it. But just as I was about to go to sleep I saw her sleeping expression gazing at her I admire her luscious pink lips cat-like cheeks that just makes you want to squeeze it and her beautifully straight black hair so straight it's almost unnatural, and again an urge to kiss her arised. Of course I kissed her. But then I remembered what she told me earlier and I tried something crazy when my lips were touching her luscious pink lips I put my tongue into her mouth. I was feeling guilt, excitement and lust all at the same time but what made me even more elated was that she even while sleeping responded back with her own tongue and we just kept kissing until the sun came up. I knew I had some lustful feelings for her after all I just started getting into puberty and my hormones were raging but I usually pushed my thoughts away and tried to make her like my 2nd mother because she was older than me by several years. But because of this escalation everything changed. I kept on trying to sleep over in her house and every chance I got I excitedly kissed her beautiful alluring fleshy lips and licked her tongue. Eventually she found out but she was okay with it but even then she rarely kissed me that way. Then after that I crossed a line I will never forget. I started touching her body differently, lust consumed me and whenever we slept together while she was sleeping I touched her forbidden areas and I always got excited hearing her moan out loud. I had mixed feelings about what I did. I felt guilty because I was abusing her kindness and on the other hand I was lustful and possessive. It was during these times that our relationship escalated and instead of just a 2nd mom she became my girlfriend even though that was a really short time because I lied to her and eventually she told me I was not mature enough for her blaming age and maturity for us not being together. Still nothing really changed I kept kissing her and touching her the same way but a change in my mentality happened without me knowing. I was always resentful of her in a way that she always treated me like a kid and didn't see me as a man. I still loved her but I was hurt and I sadly took it out on her when we had a fight. In a humble yet warm and comfortable house she slowly said to me “Steven I might be leaving for singapore next year and will be working there for a while.” Tears welled up in my eyes,I could hear my heart pounding like a parade drum while I begged her not to leave “Please! Please don’t go! I don’t know how to live without you.” She gazed at me with sad eyes but she still smiled and said “But you have been living without me for 12 years” With a face full of tears I replied “But still! I love you and I can't live without you!” She just smiled and shook her head. But then I made the biggest mistake of my life. I dont know how this happened maybe all the resentment from the rejection that she gave me by not seeing me as a man and the fear of losing her drove me to a corner but I did do it. I hurt her by pulling on her arm and I did it angrily with tear-filled face. She stood there shocked tears swelled in her eyes “I-I can't believe you did that! Not even my parents ever hurt me!” I asked for forgiveness but obviously that wouldn't work. The regretful days passed by and I just kept on trying to beg for forgiveness and finally she forgave me. But there was a crack in our relationship. A hole that could never be fixed.
We had a few fights here and there but we still managed to be friends with a few benefits. After a year she told me she was awake the whole time and she gives her consent so because of the lustful me we kept on doing some erotic things. “Aaah! Yeahh! Steven it feels so good!” she moans loudly while I’m playing with her body. But just when I was about to stick in my little me ;) inside her she says “No! Stop I wanna save real sex for marriage.” I regretfully say “ Fine I will respect your wishes.” I originally thought I was okay with it but I didn't realize how bad this affected me. I felt rejected like I was not good enough for her but I didn't realize it yet. Resentment swelled inside of me little by little after every rejection she gives me. I didn't realize it but my lusty behaviour to her where I just see her to go and do some unspeakable things with her and immediately leave was a way of revenge to her. Of course I am very immature and young especially at this time so I didn't know that what I was doing was creating more cracks in our relationship. I started getting addicted to novels and other literature of foreign countries. I was obsessed with it and after a while I realized that I felt empty without it. Then a thought came into my head. “Is this really reality? Is this not a dream? Can I go to a different world like the main characters in the novels I read?” I got more and more engrossed on these novels because that thought. I was barely getting any sleep and I was always stressed with my life and my relationship with her. It didn't really help that I was always alone since my dad was never there and when he was he usually scolded me for doing the only thing that I found solace in my reading. Eventually I lessened my lustful nature because of the novels I read and I stopped seeing her as often. She had lots of admirers at the start I never really cared but finally she got a boyfriend. I didn't immediately hear this from her but after one of my vacation trips with my family I came to sneak in her house as I usually do and I heard her voice laughing and heard an unfamiliar male voice in her room. I was devastated, I knew that she was looking into new suitors but I was hoping she would tell me beforehand so I could prepare but she didn’t. I walked home wet because the rain and tears filled my resentful eyes. I felt sad,lonely,resentful but I couldn’t do anything anymore she wasn’t mine nor was she my property to begin with. I tried contacting her but she kept avoiding me so I rarely saw her. Finally we stopped seeing each other. She moved houses, and she barely texts back to any of my messages. At first I was sad but okay with it I tried accepting what happened and tried forgetting about her. Whenever I thought of her I tried to hate her. What was worst was all my friends I made left the country so I was left alone again but still I moved forward. I moved on with my life, went to a new school, made new friends, changed my habits, tried new things everything was okay. But that was only what I thought. I was still depressed and had the tendency to stay in my room for days just reading by myself no human contact. I deteriorated as a human one important thing I found through these hardships was God and a bit of wisdom. I found myself passionate about constantly improving myself in a myriad of ways mainly: Spiritually Mentally Financially and Physically. I wanted to find happiness and balance. Even while improving I had my ups and downs. A lot of the time getting depressed because I couldn't see the results or sometimes thought my efforts were useless because we were going to die but still I fought on I don't know why but I did. Times where I was overly emotional and missed her so much I thought I died or my whole bed was wet with my tears came but now looking back I was an immature and stubborn bastard that didn’t treat the love of my life well and even if a lot of the causes of resentment were her she didn't know and we didn't talk about it honestly but in another point of view It was the best I could do with my knowledge and wisdom at that time. If I could would I have done something different you ask? Maybe,.. probably but what can I do? Do I miss her you ask? To that I say “She left but the feelings stayed” Can’t go back in time, I only wish to move forward and hope that she would forgive me the next time we meet maybe kiss her and if possible change it all again.
In my life an icy jungle
All I see is a haze
Losing you has put me
In a trance like daze
Days are just whizzing by
Nights are painfully long
Just about everything
Appears dreadfully wrong
Time seems to be stuck
In thoughts about you
Loathing in regret
Is all that I do
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