等我能見到他時，又過了一個月。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH1YBhVyKBf
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深呼吸了好幾口氣，練習了幾次微笑，我才踏進病房。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxL7ZyYVx9n
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他盯著我走近，待我在床前站定，見我微微一笑，他便咧開嘴笑了。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ80UTmN8AbM
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「我妹怎麼變這麼漂亮啦？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGBKiG1gAWl
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我沒理會他的玩笑，只是看著臉色蒼白的他，當下覺得自己的微笑只是一道不讓自己哭出來的防線。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCdP3EgoKf
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我查過他的病，既然已到末期，治癒機率已經極低，幾乎是零。也知道他會長期處在各種疼痛裡。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPLFDDtybyp
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所以我無法開口問他還好嗎，也沒辦法要他振作，更不能祝福他康復。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFr1uIYqNNI
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只是他仍然對著我笑，笑得那麼真。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡozMj2WQegN
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「幹嘛傻在那裡，過來這邊坐啊。」他指指床邊的椅子。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjeXvFlOXCV
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我走過去，把椅子拉近病床，坐下。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0M06LB9Pbh
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我們幾乎是同時伸出雙手的。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq1Sj6FiFj9
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碰到他的手時，我的鼻子就酸了，眼睛也模糊了。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUvVqCg9zzw
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「不是答應我不哭了嗎？」那句話有著溫柔的指責。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyxixnQaki5
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「現在有沒有哪裡會痛…？」我開口問。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡakoAXrOjU5
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「每天都在痛啊，肚子也痛、頭也痛，骨頭也都會痛…」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEyEQbvXC9g
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他數家珍地說出，而我的眉頭也因此糾結。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL2Kg5o98Zi
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「現在不痛啦，看到妳都不痛啦。」見我皺眉，他胡亂地撒謊。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8LqzIBJBpc
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我揉著他的手，好像有很多話要說，但又覺得沒什麼好說。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyoyOdyDp2U
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「爸…妳爸爸，有說什麼嗎？他知道嗎？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7EHtKWHffo
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我愣了一下，沒想到他會問這個問題。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLTIbhWwiei
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「他應該知道，但他沒跟我說什麼…」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43d6kGEbxC
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「是嗎…我想也是啦。問問而已，妳不要多想。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3mYO7E5bGc
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那一瞬間，我覺得父親的無情是無法被原諒的。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUo2x2P48jn
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我拿出那晚編好的手繩，放到他手裡。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOFq0hL76BR
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「這是新編的。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6zLt2FUVgd
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他看了看手繩，又看看我。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUTjnZmOWj1
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「妳幫我拿櫃子裡的皮夾出來。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ8234Gq81v
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我把皮夾遞給他，他從皮夾裡拿出了…好幾年前的那條幸運手繩。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbcpfRU3oBB
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白色的線都變成灰色，已經髒髒的了，他拿出來時還是小心翼翼。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCHcfzTW1Qh
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「妳看。」他得意。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpObRkT2mkm
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「虧你能留那麼久，我之前皮包掉了，你的照片也搞丟了…」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPlFp2GBNkB
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「幫我戴新的在手上。」他說。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrZeCIJfmSa
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我一邊把手繩綁上他變得好細的手腕，一邊說著…728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOpYq8s7hV
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「我們以前還說要一起合照，但都沒有做到…」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP1AOs6S3Le
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「現在拍。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡr4rLpXxRHG
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「啊？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvxGKsswsck
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「現在就拍啊，妳手機有照相功能吧？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sk3kI59Fz
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「有。」我拿出手機，翻開摺疊螢幕，開啟相機功能。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV9ldTlUv8G
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「等一下等一下。」他伸手拿了旁邊的眼鏡戴上。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdEEEEoYZc
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「我這樣看起來比較不像流氓吧？」他又在笑。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSz4zmZiIuB
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我笑了，起身貼近床，把頭靠在他臉旁，拿著手機對著我們倆的大頭拍了一張照片。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4o6uiI4BDk
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我坐回椅子上，有那麼一段時間，我們都沒有看著彼此，也沒有說話。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQiqZwW7Ni
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「我離婚了。」英傑突然說。
「我被抓後，妳嫂子自己提的。」
「簽字是一定要簽的，拖著她也不對。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKluaLG0em3
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我想起那個沒有喊過他「爸爸」的兒子，但我沒有勇氣開口問。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmEu94O1Mzs
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「妳還有在寫小說嗎？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRwR3lbHRYL
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「…有寫一些小故事。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP5ItIv4zsr
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「那就好，不要隨便放棄喔。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXgTTvSEngW
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「嗯。我好久沒看到你寫的詩了。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYKxBegKzt4
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「我太久沒寫字啦…字已經不漂亮，腦子也沒東西了。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1sFSikEGsH
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「不會啦，字跡不會隨便改變的。」情感也是。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfW4Cg8Wez
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「妹。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxAVdmUYpJH
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「嗯？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuiGRhm1Cv5
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「人真的要走到末路的時候，才知道只有家人會無條件的陪在身邊。」
「所以妳一定要好好珍惜家人，不要交壞朋友，也不要太相信外面的人。」
「也不要抽菸、喝太多酒…」
「如果可以，就回去念書，這個社會還是很看學歷…」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3jOIg2tSy
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我突然意識到他正在做什麼。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldqovsWuf3
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像是交代後事般的叮嚀，我聽在耳裡，痛在心裡，但我不能阻止他這麼做。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4n9wf2VjLU
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因為我甚至不知道還有沒有下一次見他的機會。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZkGUq4vJB9
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那天我在醫院陪他直到晚上才離開，他始終笑著，在我面前不表現出痛苦或難過。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOuRKiLKzoa
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他也答應讓我再去看他，只是要先跟他聯絡。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJtjGx611ya
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「我媽有點介意，所以不希望妳們碰到面。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzp8QkLYhvS
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爾後我又見了他兩次，其中一次他告訴我，他信了主耶穌。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKmHzDMUi8w
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我知道是身體病痛的折磨，讓他尋求精神上的慰藉。他親自寫了信給教會的小孩子，用自己的經歷告誡孩子們勿入歧途。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl3UfnCATZo
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我知道他害怕，知道他尋求救贖。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡh7vWGU8NCX
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我知道他就算把地獄或罪人掛在嘴邊，仍是害怕受苦的。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzt7u8KiAIN
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我知道他也許到了這一刻才開始後悔。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNyCPSOsNBK
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但我是欣慰的。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYguBxdVXMT
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那一天來的又快又急。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpRcOsBDdPE
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「妹…」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8dFeysX1on
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我接起電話，只聽到英傑喊了我，然後是沉重的喘息與啜泣。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTRN4vdjYrh
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「你怎麼了？怎麼了？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROTSoO8qQl
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還拿著手機和他說話，我已經起身準備出門去醫院。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH5O2ySYub5
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「我還不想死…」他哭著說。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡytpTVKT8y3
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那句話狠狠地撕裂了我的胸口。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqyNQnYiNW
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我跑進病房，英傑似乎剛剛才穩定下來，吊著點滴、眼眶泛紅、面容消瘦，也比上次更加蒼白、手臂上都是青色與紫色的瘀青。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUqEoAY1wBn
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他的母親與姐姐看見我，臉色明顯地不自在。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXr5gNt1Gqn
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英傑打那通電話給我的時候，她們是不是也在呢？728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBQGgAQ3Upf
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她們小聲地和英傑說了幾句話，就走出病房，留給我和他說話的空間。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMbS4rh7faU
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我坐到上次的位置，握住他的手。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN4u7CbA8RP
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那雙手已又更瘦更冰冷了。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKtJMWfmWji
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「我真的，還不想死。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX1ulqiFUOY
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我握著他的手出了點力。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvDLaYngEER
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「我很害怕。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJVfx41D9yQ
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「我很怕死…」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsu0kkjPEie
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他沒看著我，只盯著手。說完，他的眼淚就掉下來。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlXjajXdhxr
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那是我第一次看見他掉眼淚，也是最後一次。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9Z1SV0zjE
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「你已經悔改了，你一定會去天堂的。」我已經滿臉淚水，但還是看著他的眼睛說。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpGDvcsl7YU
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「全身都很痛…」他終於抬頭看我。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡooyK1PDymC
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我趕緊抽幾張衛生紙擦他的臉，他的雙頰與眼窩都已經凹陷，我的手盡可能地放輕力道，就怕他疼。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWzAB3ww5uQ
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「你很努力了，我知道你很努力了…」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRVyVwx9o6X
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我抱住他，驚覺他已弱不禁風的事實。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhIjDFpk3rQ
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這讓我倏地停止了自己的眼淚。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4hUnw6nBIC
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「沒事的，你的主會帶你離開，之後就不痛苦了。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ehrKSbTtg
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英傑在我的臂彎裡哭泣了許久，才安靜下來。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Z7fRmPGKA
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「妹。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbePJ74ewGb
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「嗯？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgdCXuRNjS2
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「抽屜裡有一封信是給妳的。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZY5ADeJeN
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我打開抽屜，拿起那個信封。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm8Dt2r4zMo
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「回去再看。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAJZ98BUoR
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「好。」我收起信。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5RtF101Y1n
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「妳回去吧。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNtbkOqwVsY
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「什麼？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4QJJSAuuKS
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「謝謝妳來…可是不要再來了。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBpCTNspozi
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「為什麼？」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtfcitOTBI9
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「我不想要妳送我離開，妳會很傷心，我也不想要看到妳那麼傷心。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNL8Y9aPw6z
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「……」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAdiglwtYB9
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「回去吧。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ71NRaJ0XUQ
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他看著我，又對我笑了，那個笑看起來很費勁，也是他一直以來對我的溫柔表現。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYQCBywUojy
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不讓我送他走，也是哥哥對妹妹的溫柔。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXBSrGI5sR
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我又抱了抱他才離開。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ynwuK9hL2
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當天晚上十點多，我收到他姊姊的簡訊。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡM6i36gx1LB
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「英傑已經走了。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn2LHswOv68
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那一瞬間我向心裡所有知道的神祈求，希望英傑能到更好的地方，希望他不要再受苦了。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK2pbqn3IWu
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我打開信封，裡面只有一張書籤大的紙。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeeARLzM3Ky
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「Dear 妹：」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLb2tcBFHJm
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「妳永遠是我的天使，728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhOc4dQ7uHq
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請不要忘記我。」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz6Gr36Jsdk
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「哥 英傑」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbBmYdVMqQ0
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我抱著自己，放任自己哭到睡著。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiioPBFVShT
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之後的每一年，我不選在英傑的忌日，而是在他的冥誕當天悼念他。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp6p1lZMOXs
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每一年的五月三十，我都會寫一封信，表達我的思念，讓他知道「我沒有忘記他」。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5AIDjzKQQs
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前幾年每到這天，我總是哭，總是放任自己因為想念而哭得泣不成聲。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4mz1YeHC5t
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後來的後來，我漸漸不哭了，但沒有改變在這一天寫信的習慣。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYzDpARm018
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英傑的回憶有時像巨石背在背上，有時像羽毛沾在胸口，無論哪一種，都是無法遺棄。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw23EUuIJrR
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他走後，我便不再輕易評論一個人的好與壞。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk7SJSa0FXO
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曾經我在英傑的新聞底下看見很多網友的謾罵、抨擊甚至是汙辱，我感到憤怒與心痛，想一個一個回應他們「你們什麼都不知道！」728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa7rD03C5VG
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但我什麼也沒做。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡey5ydrJB03
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因為那些人不認識他，也永遠不會認識他。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpM4QSHqmrQ
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所以我再也不對任何新聞或社會事件做評論。因為我知道，我不認識當事人，更不能體會當事人的親屬心情。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOTn0WcQX78
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我回去念書，考進了大學，年年以取得獎學金為目標，只為不要白學。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmhs2NtElIz
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一直沒有放棄創作，可能也是因為惦記著他說過的話。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU4Ysi2RQne
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說起遺憾，大概是我喊他「英傑」比喊他「哥哥」的次數要多更多了吧。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIJOzaRtVdo
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去年，我沒有寫信。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFey1VfOsW7
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我選擇在當天完成他的故事。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEvg5ZPeCsV
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他是一隻孤傲的鷹，獨自在天空闖蕩，受盡風霜，最後回巢，在家人身邊闔上眼。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXKeEewxpSj
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我是活在地面的狼，只能抬頭望著，用我的爪在沙上畫下他在天空翱翔的姿態。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGl0l2itJLj
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這是，我哥哥的故事。728Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiB1E1YGmcF
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完。
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