When people say things happen for reason, they're foolish. They don't understand that it is simply a consequence of our own actions. We decide our own fate by making rational, or irrational, decisions that affect us each second, each hour, each day.
Whatever it may be, fate can only be decided by ourselves. Because what is fate? A supernatural force that determines how our lives play out? That's a pile of crap. Nothing is predetermined for us. We determine what we want to be and what we want to happen. Sure things don't happen the way you want it to, but it's not due to an unexplained force, it's be because you made a mistake albeit a small one it was a mistake nonetheless.
As human beings we have the tendency to blame each other for the wrongs in our lives, for the mistakes we make. Perhaps I'm overgeneralizing the human population, but we don't want to see ourselves as flawed. We'd rather fight for the wrong instead of compromising to see the right.
But what is right and what is wrong? The answer depends on your brain and your heart. The way we see the world is subjective, I'd think of it as a not quite spherical, insignificant piece of the universe, a phenomenon we can never explain. You might think... actually I wouldn't know what you think. Frankly, I don't care.
We spend billions of dollars on a quest to find our past, when the present is falling apart and the future is as unpredictable as the weather in the UK. We find comfort delving into the past while fearing our futures. We are afraid of oblivion, afraid of death, afraid of the end. Those with terminal diseases make the clichéd 'bucket list', things they want to accomplish before their inevitable death.
Everyone dies, so why does it take a diagnosis of an imminent death to live life to the fullest? Why don't we face each day with the thought it may be our last? Why do we say 'live not just survive', but make no efforts to live? Why are we afraid of the unknown? I can't say that I'm fearless. No that'll be hypocritical of me. I do fear, I'm just too far gone to feel.
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I watch as the lavender petals fall from my fingers, just as I had torn them off the stem. The hot water scalds my tongue as my taste buds erupt with the familiar taste of spicy bergamot orange and fresh lavender. I like my tea unsweetened with a dash of milk, like the bittersweet moments in life.
Each day I sit in the same chair, cradling my Earl Grey with fresh lavender flowers, watching, observing, seeing. It's amazing what you can learn when your mind is clear, when the world is muted. The prematurely grey haired business man getting into his chauffeured Escalade, or the occasional Asian tourist party babbling excitedly as they point out famous buildings, or the chefs taking a cigarette break outside the restaurant. They all have a goal, something they need to fulfil whether it be that day or in a few weeks or years.
One thing I noticed, as I sat in the café, is that everyone is rushing. The world doesn't stop for any man. If you aren't swept by the current, you'll be left to drown. Flailing about, gasping for a breath, struggling to survive. Time you've had, never comes back. So why waste time dwelling on the past when we have the present and the future to live? I sit here thinking these thoughts and make no move to change my own life, because I don’t want to. I’m content the way I live. I don’t want adventure, I don’t want excitement, and I don’t want change. Everyone’s idea of happiness is different- for me there is no happiness so why chase something I don’t believe to exist?
I take a deep breath of the lavender infused steam before taking a sip, focusing on the rain outside. There's something about the sound of rainfall that settles my heart. The constant patter of raindrops hitting the concrete, the unrelenting torrent of water on roofs, the splash on plastic umbrellas. It's not the romanticised idea of kissing or dancing in the rain that pulls me out the door; it's the idea that the rain is the calm before the storm. Before my storm.
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