Thursday. Before first period.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL7KiyI5Bbx
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I feel lost55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8rEhSym53j
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I felt very lost.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2HdJZ4PvVy
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This morning just didn’t feel right. Every morning this week hadn’t felt right. And I would definitely feel worse as the day went on.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjzG3cdQg6O
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I didn’t know how many minutes had passed since I lowered my head onto my desk. Forehead touching wood and I didn’t care if it was uncomfortable. Uncomfortable to me right now was my only real comfort.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxtHkgvyQuI
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The classroom was filled with its usual pre-class noise. Classmates arriving, chairs scraping the floor, bags being dropped, and conversations mixing together. All contained inside this room.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWF6ExCvNPr
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I tried to listen.
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None of it was reaching me.
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Not right now.
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Probably not even later.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡROVDXDcAyB
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While everyone else was enjoying their youth. I was here, too busy having the same argument with myself that I’d been having since before I slept last night.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2Q2Q7rQOcU
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What do I do?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbzq4heTB5q
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Unwillingly, I turned my head to my right, where Yui sat. I only noticed now, but she had been working through a box of strawberry Pocky. She had that focused contentment of someone who absolutely was just enjoying a snack early this morning.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZ2d6d2jQvg
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My head turned away from her.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhEXAytXkLP
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I didn’t mind her eating. I wasn’t bothered with that at all. I was more bothered that she seemed unbothered while I was here accepting that uncomfortable is the best comfort I’d had ever since the start of this week. Nope. I am totally fine.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTHqDMPwrHN
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“Are you okay?” Yui asked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdyOffLKGBE
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She noticed. I wished she didn’t.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡw2kas0mIvQ
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“Yeah,” I said. Still not looking at her directly.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEZg6uj8cAT
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She tugged at my sleeve. I lifted my head, straightened up, and turned.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ672nTUtFSO
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“Here.” She held out a stick of Pocky, smiling. The way she always smiled when she was trying to make someone feel better.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXHWI4grnw8
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“You shouldn’t be eating before class.”
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9S8Sh90RHG
“I didn’t have breakfast. This is all I have.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYkuReB2Rl4
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She pulled the piece back and ate it herself.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡURRWUwcvwJ
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“Did you wake up late?” I asked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeKo8fkbEWc
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“Yep. I didn’t eat breakfast because if I did, I would have missed you guys at the train station.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6urNmiDkk
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Alright, it was bothering me after all. So I had to say it.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDyTzUJe0Gf
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“You know, eating snacks early in the morning isn’t healthy,” I finally said.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ86GDbeqa7U
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“Don’t worry,” she replied, still eating, “I have a strong metabolism.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVWCi1jbtVw
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I stared at her.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVJeRC5tb6O
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Is that… does she think that’s how metabolism works?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAcrXrmv1Ug
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My mouth opened. I wanted to say something. Instead, I sighed.
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I shouldn’t have asked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAN1Phqbi6i
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I tried to shake the thought away. It didn’t matter after all. Nothing about Yui’s nutritional logic mattered right now.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZgwB3o25rB
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“Hey,” I said carefully.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡO4owQlLflE
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“Yes?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI9Qwhht1rU
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“What if someone challenged you to climb a really long ladder, and at the very top there was a huge bowl of curry waiting for you. You could eat all of it.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUL01QhBbXn
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Her eyes lit up immediately.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ThjcEk7yq
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“I’ll climb it! Definitely!”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsItGqCPAvm
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“But,” I said, “if you slip and fall even one step, you have to eat green peas.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡec8dxX5L43
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The light from her eyes went out.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKRYCl4b6Rd
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“Ugh.” The sound came from her very soul. She never liked green peas. She hated it with such passion she would never talk to you again if you forced her to eat just a single pea.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLiP87xZlOr
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She thought about it for a bit, placed a finger under her chin, crossed her other arm at the elbow to support it, closed her eyes, and tilted her head slightly.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtCMZ3CilIK
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She’s actually thinking about it?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtB6A1PY7Xj
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“How big is the bowl of curry?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP7XbnMamzS
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“Huge. Like, really huge.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7589CK33xH
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“Hmm, well… then I’ll take the risk.” She opened her eyes. Her voice sounded reluctant. But still…55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9MrOpXC3VG
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She’ll take the risk…55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqprGCdBEdG
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“Why?” I asked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ66QZNRyq5A
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“I hate green peas! And I loooove curry,” she answered with no hesitation.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT9LOm3Zju8
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She stared at me. The look in her eyes told me that this was more than just a serious matter for her.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHQozZp1FFy
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But to be honest… It is for me too.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhjJgZItXKd
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“But you know, even if the challenge sounds hard, if there is a prize in the end that I really love, then I would do it,” she continued, almost casually, like she didn’t hesitate just a while ago. “I think before you take on a challenge, you look at the prize first. Before you look at the risk, you ask yourself… is it worth it?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQBjX9QHUq0
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I blinked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDhORGAZKe
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“The huge curry bowl at the top… super huge curry bowl. I think it is worth the risk!” Yui continued, suddenly sounding excited.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoAoHPZShkG
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I looked down at my own hands. I felt a sudden shift inside me. Not entirely a huge one, just a slight tug into a direction that I had not thought about. Something different that I hadn’t considered before.
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Is it worth it?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGYhWB5MfEF
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I pressed both hands flat against my chest without meaning to.
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Suddenly, Yui popped up in front of me, leaning forward. I felt like she was trying to read whatever was written in my face.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUN524vOZL2
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“So?” she said. “What is it about?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJK2fuhtetx
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“Uh… no, I mean… well…”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ12nu11iZ4Y
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“Is it about the condition?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNK6hhvKqMJ
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I went still.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtEtL5GP6bl
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“...Yeah.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhcX2ETv2Q5
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“Ooh,” she said, leaning a little bit closer. “So what is it?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfuWvwipjKR
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“I can’t tell you… It’s…” I didn’t know what to say. What could I even say? “It’s something that…”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡptCz9QwpxQ
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“Okay,” she said.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqdWdgpCa6t
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I paused for a bit.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqj3Z3l7XCS
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“What?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIEZC3ds3lR
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“Well.” She smiled. “I could force you to tell me now. But it’s almost time for class.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVyk5zI7A8
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I looked at the clock hanging way above the black board. Placed in the center of the wall.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡa67qTYXE72
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She was right.The teacher would be here any second.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuVwovv8pT3
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I let out a breath.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAJZtkyng6w
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Out of relief?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE5GKUdr8gy
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Yes, mostly. I was aware that this would be brought up again later. But at least I got a lot more time to think about what to say.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8gpDzoovc7
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Maybe… if I could think about anything.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCgTS0tHw3j
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My eyes drifted without permission toward the back of the room.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxiEfT5BMvx
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He isn’t here…55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGVpYU7Izi
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At least that was one less person I had to think about all day. But this afternoon…55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlTzb1OXR1s
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I stared at his empty seat for a moment longer than I needed to.
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Lunch. Rooftop.
Ever since we were in first year, the rooftop had become our place during lunch. The four of us appreciated the quiet it brought to us. Nobody else came up here for some reason. And if there were any, they would see us and go back down.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFmFYQSHBxE
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We ate lunch here most days. When it wasn’t raining at least. It had just become the thing we did.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4tTJJJvalO
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This morning the teacher had done the roll call the same way he always did. When he reached Kuroiwa’s name, he just moved on… No explanation, no pauses, he did not even wonder why he didn’t get any response.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XWRyxJ7DI
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Usually when a student was absent, they would call the school to tell the teacher. But somehow it seemed like Mr. Tanaka did not even think to share it with the class. He always did. But today he didn’t.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtA1fw7aSTp
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Did he even call? I thought. I felt like Kuroiwa probably did not.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTjgnhocxv
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I hadn’t expected this. That I would feel bad about how he was treated.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbUskI25jmS
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After all…55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsXE7xyLej8
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A week ago I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. But now, after seeing what he actually did, his room, his work, and his goals. Those were different pictures of his life painted on a wall separate from what we all saw at school. Everyday he sat on his seat, yet everyday he didn’t exist to anyone.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeJpoeP3yxF
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It’s all so strange.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhGwGWMqEmN
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“You know what!?” Yui announced before we’d even properly settled down, lunch box already in her hand. “Miyamura-senpai from the basketball club and Anegasaki-senpai… they’re dating!”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgr75kh7KDK
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I saw Mika glance at her in disbelief. I could tell that she was asking herself if Yui was actually going to do this now. After a brief look, she went back to getting her lunch out. Her lunch box bag looked almost like a small purse. That’s very Mika.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwnWd5twYOZ
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“Really?” Hina said. She sounded interested… or probably not.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuXNy5LAFty
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“I saw them this morning holding hands on the way to school. But when other students got close they separated and just walked normally. Like nothing!”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq5CinWuzgW
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Mika frowned without looking up. “We all walked to school together from the station this morning.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4RMDhOQegS
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Yui slowly turned her head toward Mika. Smiling like she knew Mika was going to say what she had just said.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcwHBuc0c5Q
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“I have very good peripheral vision.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSCZ8sBw64
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Mika closed her eyes briefly. Hina was quietly amused.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2tcbhlnvG
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I giggled.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSn6g6iY0Mq
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“Just by tilting my head slightly…” Yui demonstrated. “…I can see what’s a few meters behind us in the corner of my eye. They were right there the whole time and none of you noticed!”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeATAciJIX9
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“Wow,” Hina said. “It’s like you have a superpower.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbr9cT9JWr4
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“Yes. My very own.” Yui straightened up proudly.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs1cqIxqXRs
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Hina smiled. Mika sighed for a bit then started eating carefully and calmly. I could tell she was still not fully used to how Yui exposed her energy to everyone, even after a year together. Although, I thought, she was getting better at handling her now.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEioY3GCw2e
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“Also,” Yui continued, sitting down and finally opening her own lunch box, “Sakamoto-kun from our class confessed to Nakano-chan. You know, the girl from the library committee in 2-C.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTkFMOJwj9t
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“The one who’s always peeking into our classroom when she walks past?” Hina asked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKL1CwTKnMp
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“Yes! They were behind the school building Tuesday afternoon. And she rejected him. That’s why Sakamoto-kun was absent yesterday and today he looks terrible.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhq9QZBll61
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Mika looked like she was trying to restrain herself, but eventually she asked. “Tuesday afternoon you were with us. You know… during that whole thing. How did you even see that?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4PU1UQI2Wq
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Yui looked at her with the patience of someone who had already read her like an open book.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvdgKTzmoXi
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“Very good peripheral vision.” She winked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEL29EbWXjo
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Mika groaned and I bit the inside of my cheek.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRF7WqrAaD8
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“One glance out the classroom window and I could see the entire view of the back building. I happened to look at the right moment.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCAYH43THAa
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Hina gave a small, genuine clap. “Impressive.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5aw7uElpcC
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“Aren’t I?” Yui said, settling back with great dignity.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbRdy4aWFde
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“But then why was Nakano-chan looking into our classroom?” Mika asked, and I could tell from her tone that she had already decided not to care whether she would regret asking this or not.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3MCXJFHueF
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“I figured that out too.” Yui pointed her chopsticks forward. “She wasn’t looking at Sakamoto-kun. She was looking at his best friend! Katou-kun! Who sits right next to him.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWHU5cInrGl
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“Oh,” Hina said, with the delight of someone who finally got into the most interesting part of a television drama. “A love triangle.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBHHvDUWJyj
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“Exactly like in dramas!” I said, because at this point, I was already invested.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL4O5Px8J48
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I heard Mika sigh beside me.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ25pibkSFlu
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While Yui and Hina continued for a few more exchanges, Mika spoke to me.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFyMOtj5t4U
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“So.” She set her chopsticks down. “What happened yesterday?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIQDNaXwWDq
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Yui stopped talking mid-sentence.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzTCJ6Pd3Ga
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Hina was already staring at us expecting to hear my answer.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJjUSKcptXk
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I… I didn’t feel ready to say anything.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuSSxoiD887
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The rooftop went a little quieter.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvaZELcmrsi
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I stared at my food for a moment before I found the first few words that appeared in my mind.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡydhxSww2Nz
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“Nothing really happened,” I said.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCwy8n7nyAt
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“What do you mean?” Yui asked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNnUq9kBcLY
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I turned my chopsticks over in my hand once. Twice.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡky4bL9WYj5
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My friends patiently waited, but I knew I couldn’t let them wait any longer.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdrKsA1tbIe
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“I got there, he let me in, I sat in his living room, he got me a soda, he brought out a table, and then we talked about the condition. He said I didn’t have to give him an answer right then. That if I came back today it would mean I accepted, and if I didn’t that was fine too. And then I went home.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwjykv4y0i3
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“That’s really all?” Hina asked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhMJVQtt4mK
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“Yeah.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBwqF0oK5i
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I wasn’t lying. Everything I said was true. There were just some things I didn’t add. Because they would land very heavy no matter the words I chose to say. His workspace, his sacrifices, and then the condition itself. And how he would just sit on the sofa and read his book after all that. Like nothing, like everything he had just said didn’t matter at all.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIodJOMprmH
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I took a quick look at Mika and I knew already what she was going to say.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdcNGbjZDnc
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“What’s the condition?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeSmJ91qvpD
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I knew it55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXwbNWi0hHO
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“...I can’t tell you.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcsMbDOQ5J
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“That’s not acceptable.” Her voice lifted slightly. “I knew I should have come with you.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5QYkFzTiby
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“It’s fine,” I said. “I’m going to be fine. You don’t need to worry.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOIxjLXaAP
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Mika stared at me. Her eyebrows knitting showed that she didn’t like what she heard.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3LqCGCtQo2
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“Why are you saying it like you’ve already decided to go back?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYsPd2WkuS
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I opened my mouth. Closed it.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzx9lfpaY4V
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Have I?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2cLL9K4nLj
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I thought about it and slowly, I was surrounded by quiet.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG7f1N2moYc
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“I…” I hesitated.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbQKyUN7E7j
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“You have decided to go, haven’t you?” The tone of her voice started to sound accusatory. “I can tell.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6rzR0qroj7
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I didn’t argue.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp4MMnH6RxC
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I knew I haven’t decided yet.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXy2OdUkIAb
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Or… maybe…55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTqiYJ80dZp
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I was just convincing myself that I hadn’t decided even though I was already thinking about what would happen this afternoon.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAL7MsI8E5G
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“How can you always make reckless decisions like that?” Mika continued.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQA3eLRvJUT
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“I haven’t said I am going, right?” I replied.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsFV3vQ74t9
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“But you didn’t say that you wouldn’t go.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRZcdwnjJPT
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“Mika, don’t make up things I haven’t said.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ22diNuqQCl
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“It doesn’t matter, what matters most is that you don’t have to do this. You don’t have to always expose yourself to danger.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdQXc5HKaKJ
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“It’s not dangerous.” I paused. I knew I was lying.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8XSoynlud3
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“If it’s not, then tell us what Kuroiwa’s condition is.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQOeATAa0xk
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“I… it’s none of your business…”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEqc4hM4Iof
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I looked down.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6chJYA8YB4
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I noticed that both Mika and my lunchbox were already lying on the concrete. Grains of rice everywhere. Her favorite dish, my favorite dish, both our chopsticks… they were thrown when we stood up. I didn’t even realize I had stood up. She probably didn’t either.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3y0hwPAfef
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Mika grabbed my hand.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR0geVvsl39
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“You don’t have to go,” she said and her voice was trying to reach me even though I could hear it perfectly. “We can go back to studying together. All four of us. We’ll find a different approach this time. We’ll do better.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuUShdWTs28
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“There’s no time,” I said quietly. “Midterms are next week, only six days left, including today. If one week didn’t produce any result… how would six days be different?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkOT9AcngXC
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Mika let go of my hand.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdSKW7mllTv
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“So instead you are choosing to accept a condition you can’t even tell us? You’re choosing to believe what he said?” Mika’s words were just coming, she wasn’t stopping herself anymore. “He is not a miracle worker. It’s not like he can actually turn your scores around in six days either!”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn7ABPvoS2O
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She paused for a second and let out a small gasp. I could see it on her face… regret… and the recognition of what she’d just implied. That even if I tried, the outcome was already written. That I was going to fail regardless.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3Gvw6MGi9E
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She didn’t say she was sorry. She just looked down. I saw her grip both her hands but also bite her lip trying not to say anymore.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQfKrN55jvV
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What she said was true. I couldn’t deny it. And that’s exactly why I needed to say what I was about to say.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSSOICt5N5K
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“He told me he can.” I kept my voice careful. Even. “He told me my answers weren’t random. That even though they were wrong, they were well thought of. That if we applied the right methods, I would eventually produce the right answers.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDe2RZWXFQZ
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“You can’t trust him,” Mika mumbled.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX34zVzmYSu
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“I don’t,” I said it plainly. “But he’s the only hope I have left.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡckpRCtRq4b
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My hands tightened slightly on my sides.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Y3fB7Hj52
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“I don’t want to worry my mother anymore,” I said. “All four of us have been studying together since last year, but I still ended up taking supplementary lessons. It’s even a miracle that I was able to move up with you all. Last year was hard enough and now the material is harder. I laughed it off to you guys whenever I failed a subject. I tried not to show you that I was actually worried. Whenever I was at home, I studied. Whenever I was with you, I studied. But no matter how many times we did this, I could never keep up. I feel like I’ve wasted all your time, and I don’t…” My voice choked for a second, but I pushed through it. “I don’t want to be a burden to all of you anymore...”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lcs3ImpK3
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Tears welled from the corner of my eyes. I fought to keep them from dropping but they kept on flowing down my cheeks.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7abJ5gjP1g
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I closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see myself in the expressions my friends were wearing right now.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzvgENllWcr
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I felt Mika come closer, and then I felt her arms wrap around me. She buried her face against my shoulder and I felt it slowly getting soaked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7iIbPZMlGT
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“I’m sorry,” she said.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvPwwQS4lRU
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“Don’t be.” I shook my head slightly. “It’s not your fault. You’ve been helping me a lot since we were kids. How could any of this be your fault?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUh1H45MoDA
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Mika let go of me but not my hands. She gripped them tightly, but carefully.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXI2d0XH5tQ
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“Are you going?” she asked. Her voice was still faint with sobs.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTBd6JKDIEy
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“...Yeah.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9ACFbhJOF
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Yui made a sound from somewhere and then her arms were around both of us, holding on without saying anything, trying very hard not to sob and not quite managing.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡt5e0m7cYIB
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After a moment Hina stood up. She came to us and placed her hand on each of our heads in turn. Gently, unhurried. Then she looked at Mika.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDvam8UepmJ
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“If you’re that worried,” she said, “go with her this afternoon. You don’t have to go inside. Just wait nearby.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPo9KAFNrAR
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“What if it takes a long time?” I asked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI8ApH5ycZF
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“Then she goes home.” Hina’s voice was calm. “But we both know she won’t.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjcvWFiK91j
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“I’ll wait,” Mika said immediately. She pulled back enough to look at me properly, eyes still wet but firm and steady. “I’ll come with you and wait outside. Somewhere close.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK0p0zPD5im
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I nodded.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQHm9kTOa06
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Yui, still holding both of us, let out a long shaky breath.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡheo8gtD9uJ
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“Please don’t fight again,” she said, almost begging.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0tFaOxOA6Y
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“Yui.” Hina’s voice was gentle. “That’s just how it is sometimes. We argue because we care. And then we come back to each other. That’s what it means to be friends.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmYQnK2Z8Bu
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Yui peeked up at her, still sniffling, as she thought about what Hina had just told her.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxk1xypMcoA
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“Okay,” she said quietly.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTWaVBJpFoD
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I looked at the three of them. Mika with her wet eyes and her steady conviction. Yui, who had wrapped herself around us both and refused to let go. Hina, who knew exactly what to say whenever things like this happened.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH9AKbu8mcE
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These were my people. All of them. And I wasn’t going to let myself fail in front of them without having tried absolutely everything available to me first.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSVOshrUFvu
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This afternoon…55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgIThfZPLLF
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I’ll have my resolve.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0Ep1r9ILwu
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvO79uXADK5
Afternoon.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡG5Oi6zUNI7
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Mika walked with me to the building and stopped at the park just beside it. She’d insisted she wasn’t going anywhere. I told her she didn’t need to wait if I took too long, but she only gave me the look, her look that said she heard me, but she was the one who would decide whether she stayed or not.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV4825qmSMd
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I smiled at her. She smiled back. We laughed for a bit, the kind of laugh that showed that we were both okay, that we were both fine and we were going to be best friends for a long time.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsEytXpfqE6
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I went inside, found the intercom panel, and typed in Kuroiwa’s room number.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJk71TanCWF
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“Who?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhie8qlJVJ3
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Hmm?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEVvTzsvXY0
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His voice sounded a bit different today. Was he sick? I mean, it still sounded stern and strict but… somehow a bit mellowed.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡT5SRNT3czy
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I shook my head.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqTbEQ0tuZf
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Mellow didn’t seem like the right word to describe him. It didn’t seem right at all. I didn’t know why I thought of it.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzgR52liv5o
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I told him it was me, then the inner door opened.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLkLoPzqaDO
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I took the elevator to the fifth floor, and when I stopped in front of his door I immediately found the doorbell. I had reminded myself of that one ever since I entered the lobby.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfhEbxY4akJ
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I pressed it and waited.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4Xo0hunaUL
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A few seconds passed and the door opened.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCQP3l4mWAh
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Then I understood what was bothering me about his voice earlier.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1XILO6yigs
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He looked… exhausted…55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5Vhetvbcv5
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His hair was messier than its usual mess. The shadows under his eyes were darker and more pronounced. The way he was standing wasn’t quite as straight as it always was, like he was acutely aware that if he didn’t balance himself, he would fall.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKoqyVPsKsi
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“Wait here,” he said.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9lEyMGkRTO
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He left the door open and disappeared into the other room he hadn’t shown me yesterday.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡltlK44jvDI
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I didn’t know what to think. Was he not going to invite me in?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapbzHHIvdi
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This is quite awkward.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjlaxfoAvc7
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A minute passed. One minute of pure confusion ran through my mind. Maybe it was even five minutes. Who knows, all I know was that I was standing in front of his door, outside his open door to be exact.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDqvMrf0qxJ
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Why is everything with him always so specific and so unclear at the same time?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXs938KLRdJ
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I sighed quietly.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lpyF1gDtX
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And then he came back.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLDiTATXJTK
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With notebooks?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaikKDWmZ0k
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A lot of them… stacked and thick. I could already see myself struggling to hold all of them in my hands. And I could also see him struggling to keep his balance while carrying them as he kept walking towards me.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtBrwMLOmde
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He managed though.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfxBKVXNwRX
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“Hands,” he said.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡguHGlY0MB8
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That didn’t sound right to me for some reason.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ83MLl49SqX
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But I still reached both my hands out.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDj6tmbeBbM
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He placed all those notebooks on top of them and I almost fell. Thankfully I didn’t.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡq0y1nfC6fv
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrJTxjfLgDc
“The three notebooks at the bottom are for the finals. You won’t be needing them right now,” he explained.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF9uV9geXdV
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I tried to count how many notebooks he had placed on my hands.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKO9RCLPn2v
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkipRh0CT58
… nine…55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3BRHofWM96
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Nine notebooks… Nine? Each one as thick as a novel?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF5FJdLQ05j
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBCgXPsPREX
“The rest are the ones you’ll need for midterms. They will also be used for the finals,” he continued55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkXAcTSzDLL
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“That’s… that’s a lot,” I said. I had no idea that we needed this many notebooks for this term. Do we really?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAPC8x8Z2FW
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRHqeaU8Q1R
“That’s all,” he said. “You can go home now.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMtSoGtiGf5
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I blinked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLWOYY2qmvq
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That’s it? Just… here are some notebooks, go home?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7Aukps7Axo
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He moved to close the door.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVaSZGGbBY
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“Wait.” The word came out before I’d decided to say it.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvpJEo3FLmk
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He stopped.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbeLPe5jTHo
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“Are we not starting today?” I asked.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmyK5oALfNQ
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“No need. There’s enough time.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJIMylyqaYe
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Is there though?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYalMvGKojM
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My mouth moved before my brain caught up.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3AMbSO0Pu
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“Why were you absent?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tcTjCwXmV
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“I was writing those.” He nodded at the notebooks in my arms.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5U4eOv9NMA
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He wrote these!? Really?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXF8yuezTqo
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I wanted to check, I wanted to look inside one of the notebooks, but my arms were currently occupied and I found myself wishing I could grow at least one more. Just for this moment.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxZOHYcrBzd
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“Since… when?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm50Csy1ZHR
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“Yesterday, after you left. I finished a few minutes before you arrived today.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaKuWlq4Tj3
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I stared at him.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEGqXWGcD36
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“Did you sleep?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡP2hdd1R7fU
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“No.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY3LqjZdw0d
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“Why?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0isMXWFaVU
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He looked at me and I guessed he was trying to understand why I asked a question with an obvious answer.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXg8dveYYle
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“You want to pass,” he said. “I wrote you materials to help you do that.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBEayd8tSuw
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I opened my mouth to say something… maybe a thank you, maybe ask him why again, or ask what was wrong with him… but none of it came out.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuBWG0sbVgk
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He hadn’t slept just to write all these nine notebooks I was carrying? I didn’t understand. Every time I thought I had some tiny grasp of who he was, he would just shatter it right in front of me.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtVVU2jQNlh
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I had asked him why?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5BkWcKY6Vc
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He had answered because I needed help.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwTbaGNQLNB
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I had asked him again…55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgeiSLyS5NP
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He had answered because I wanted to pass.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡORhC948Fwa
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Was it really that simple to him? That he didn’t have to think too much about it. Just, I could help you so I would help you.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1rBqVGWMVv
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Why?55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfUbgI0LAA7
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I asked him that question one more time from my thoughts.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuvqN1aYbKm
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“Is that all?” he said.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtwNP46SCBB
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“Umm… wait.” I hesitated for a bit. “Don’t you need to hear my decision?”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOmFcAp4p9h
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He stared at me for a moment.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7zQKnTWuAY
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“But you are here now.”55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX7AHMn1RGn
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This guy…55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHKZTm792p4
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I just nodded, I didn’t know what to say anymore.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCRflzSlQnq
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“If that’s all then… Goodnight…” he said as he slowly closed his door.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6l9nvO7RNT
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It was the middle of the afternoon. The light outside was still golden.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZkdIMAnYHo
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I stood there for a few more minutes until my arms started reminding me I was holding nine heavy notebooks.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡneX0O6kmNH
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I placed them on the floor first, knelt down, then carefully placed eight of them in my bag. They were so thick that one of them had to be left out. I stood up and carefully balanced the weight of my bag while I tucked the remaining notebook under my armpit.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1VkfDaLQvO
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCd1z3mwxQq
I faced his door and bowed just a little. The only way I could express gratitude now, because I didn’t earlier while he was here.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3VFmioGCzp
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6lYEkdAAv
I walked towards the elevator and pressed the button for the ground floor and waited for the doors to close. I started thinking about Mika waiting in the park below, about the curry at the top of the ladder, about the image of him sitting alone in that room all night writing materials for someone he’d spoken to exactly twice.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJLFQZyKCFW
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I don’t trust him, I told Mika. And that was true.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0W9ALssge
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But maybe it wasn’t about that at all.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj0J5hH8ZFb
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Maybe… it was more about whether the prize was worth it or not…55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKJHcDWgG4U
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I felt the heaviness of my bag, then took the notebook under my armpits and gripped it with my hand.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkMvH2R15uQ
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZR1JpR3Uh
Then a thought came right after.55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaJm0tDZhq2
55Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8owfVTulnW
I think it’s worth it.
and then Add to home screen.