Saturday. 4:23 pm34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKAdk6BzC3j
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I was confused. I couldn’t think of anything that I had done this morning. Anything that would provoke Mom into staring at me relentlessly. I couldn’t attend to her gaze, and because of that, I was sure I made myself look guilty. And I didn’t even know why I was guilty. She sat me down at our dining table. She sat down directly before me. And then, it was just silence. For the whole ten minutes that had passed, she never said a word or made a sound, while the time that went by left a weight that tied knots tightly around my stomach. It felt heavy, so heavy that I couldn’t ask her, ‘What did I do?’ I just sat there, looking at my bag that I had placed on the table. I thought, maybe there was some kind of answer hidden inside.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5sfg9LuaEn
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“So?” Mom finally spoke. I couldn’t bear her voice. After long minutes of quiet, it somehow started to sound suffocating.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe3FbnCw8s7
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I waited…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7xDuvuVsi9
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Nothing else…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDWxrMM5QKG
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“Mom,” I said carefully, “I just got home. I want to see Ruri. Where is she?”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOzYQ5dy5SG
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Mom just looked straight into my eyes.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9Z94YwlhqJ
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I tried to look back, but my eyes snapped towards the table. I was starting to become frantic, but Mom just sat still. She shifted a little to make herself sit straighter, and that just made me worry more.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrDNuu67868
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“Tell me, where did you go?” Mom finally asked.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3jWGQhG9Ls
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“I told you this morning, before breakfast. I told you I’d go out to study,” I reminded her.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJom6J3htFQ
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“You told me you were going with Mika, but I went to her house earlier and she was at home all day. So, where did you go?”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2HJJ24cJxj
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I quickly opened my mouth but then closed it just as quickly. I didn’t expect Mom to actually check on Mika. And I had to go and accidentally leave my phone behind when it mattered. Because of that, I was not able to contact Mika or for her to contact me. At least, so I would have been prepared mentally and emotionally for what I was going to face when I got home. I thought I would be fine. I thought telling Mom that I was going out with Mika would not make her become suspicious. Maybe I shouldn’t have, since the things that had happened this morning that I just brushed aside were actually starting to create consequences I hadn’t foreseen. I was careless, and now, I have ended up in this situation.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeWmoXdZ88S
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“I… I went out to study.” I was hesitant, but I wasn’t lying.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXb2UVoZvBs
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“With who?”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj6r0PdVvRP
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I couldn’t answer Mom. I couldn’t find a name I could tell her other than his name. And I knew if I did mention him, she would not take it well.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzCBoYMPMm3
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Mom sighed while closing her eyes. Her eyebrows never stopped frowning.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHwA8CcOKX9
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“Your sister told me you were going out on a date,” Mom said.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡD5tsdCEgWB
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I exhaled to answer, but the words that I thought I was ready to say were choked on air when I gasped. I looked at her with genuine disbelief.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMFzwdxvNh8
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“Did you really believe what Ruri said this morning?” I asked. My voice sounded tighter than I intended.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUSz8IeJMzV
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“Then, tell me where you went. If it’s not a date, then where?” Mom replied. She started crossing her arms. “Listen, it’s not like I am forbidding you to have a boyfriend, but your exams are coming up soon. If you want to go on a date, at least do it after the exams,” Mom continued to interrogate me.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKBH98vkosW
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“I-I didn’t go on a date. I am being honest,” I answered.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgvsAfIV5vM
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“Then answer my question honestly if you are being honest!” I felt Mom’s patience crumble along with her voice. My hands started to gradually tremble. I knew right then that no matter what I said, it would never be enough to satisfy her demands. And I was not ready, I wasn’t ready at all.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUdRSf9EJC2
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“I w-went t-to s-study,” I repeated.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4o0BxJM39K
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“With who?” Mom asked again.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2dEGWuwrnd
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“With a classmate…”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXOv229JR6q
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“Who is that classmate?”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaafohfGEBG
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“S-someone… someone in class…”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsugcaxoukp
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Mom touched her forehead, and her voice started getting louder when she spoke.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvu3nObh9Ya
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“I knew it would be someone from your class! That’s what a classmate means! Tell me, who did you really go with?”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJCW6loIPt7
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“W-with… H-Hi—”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs0K6a279Ix
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“Don’t lie to me!” Mom yelled. “Hina called Mika when I got to her house and I asked her there.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJAuTyarlpc
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Yui… just say with Yui… I immediately thought. But I already had gotten Mika and Hina into this. I couldn’t have all my friends get involved…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfdCS4gDPNy
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I shouldn’t have lied…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3uvI43t1ef
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I took a breath. And another.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7LVePxs2xs
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“I went… to study… with a boy from my class…” I said. Eyes closed while talking, lips bitten after.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwZFvzkUuO3
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“Where?” Mom pressed me.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj3fuNebruT
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“T-to the lib—” I stopped myself. If I lied again and she found out… “T-to his apartment.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ZfyC7nRuj
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“Were his parents there?”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvL8UAdctno
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…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdz7sdUJ29b
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…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8jWDaWvyv4
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“...Yes.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQHk2iXs497
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Mom suddenly stood up. I looked up at her in surprise.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqkpxkaE96j
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“Stand up,” Mom said as she walked around the table. Then, in an instant, she grabbed my hand and pulled me. I fell down to my knees. I couldn’t properly stand because my knees felt weaker without me noticing. “Stand up!” she commanded a second time.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6kq59P8nTb
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“Why?” I asked.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMLPZzZFIw
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“We are going to this boy’s apartment to apologize to his parents. It’s still early. We can go there now and still have time to come back for dinner.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9w4Cv1rF9G
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“W-why are we going to apologize?”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡE6JFvvlNYS
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“Because you were being insolent!” Mom’s voice was stabbing, sharp and guttural. “Going to their house to spend time alone with their son. I thought I raised you not to become this… indecent!”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAMciUKNU3R
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“I was not! We were just studying! I swear!” My voice grew louder.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXicTILjCir
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“Then stand up and let’s find out.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvyjWatpHZ4
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I opened my mouth and I looked up at her. I just left my mouth open for a little while before my eyes decided to meet the floor. Then I started to bite my lips once more, a little harder this time. I was still on the ground and I felt the weight of my shoulder start to pile up. I had to use my other hand that my mom wasn’t holding to support my body, to not let myself fall entirely.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfQ5O0AzcBI
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“N—” I tried to say one word, but a sob paused me. “N-no, his—sob, weren’t there—sob.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWCV8UUzAXC
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Mom let go of my hand and I immediately used it to support myself against the floor. She got the answers she wanted. I should not have, but I tried to resist telling the truth, and every time I did, I was asked questions I couldn’t run from. And every time that I lied, every time she asked... My chest tightened and my breathing became shallow…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡraefgddisd
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Tears started to drop directly to the floor. I closed my eyes to stop them, but they only changed direction down toward my cheeks, tracing half of them before dropping down. So, I just let it pour.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPGbFp0HIL7
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“Why did you lie to me?” Mom never intended to stop, and my heart sank deeper knowing that.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRBlprkptll
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“I—sob, I—sob, didn’t, w-we—sob, we—sob, were just—sob, stu—sob—dying, I swear.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6nDZMiA4f2
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“Do you really think I would believe that?”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0x0QEU6FdL
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“Bu—sob, But I—sob, I’m telling—sob, the truth!”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVonyT1WsN1
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“Runa, you’re already in your second year of high school. You need to be more careful. Going to a boy’s house alone is inappropriate, and you should know that!” Mom’s lecturing continued. “And you also had to lie about Mika. You tried to lie about Hina, and you never even told me about this boy at all. How do you expect me to believe that you were just there to study and nothing else?”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzN16KyG51z
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Every point Mom made was delivered like cages stacking, trapping me. But instead of getting bigger on each stack, they got smaller. With each name she mentioned, they got smaller. With each lie she exposed, they got smaller. With each time I got accused, they got smaller. Until there was not enough space. Until there was no air left. Until there was nothing anymore but whimpers that I tried to control but failed miserably.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXaXezegHAf
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What would I do? What would I say? What would I even think?34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy7FAAB7RyB
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I didn’t know…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtLLLXw407g
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I didn’t really know…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdtJhkYSISK
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Someone… anyone… please…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEbfbdjbSLA
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Kuroiwa-kun.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xzVSnZ3lV
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A thought suddenly appeared.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡduf2wCPqJi
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The notebooks.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy1geAWqpyb
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Right… the notebooks, the ones he made for me. If I only showed them to Mom, she would understand… Certainly she would…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjCAGsDWfbj
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I wiped the tears in my eyes, then gathered all the strength I had to hold on to the chair I sat in earlier. I pulled myself up to reach my bag I had left on the table. When I got back up, I hurriedly opened my bag. My hands were trembling, but I still managed to get all four notebooks out.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpydA9GoGYy
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“Here, look at these, Mom—sob,” I said, my voice starting to sound steadier. I reached out my hands carrying the notebooks to her.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEwyUQ34SjX
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But…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5lMKzmuYIl
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Mom never even looked at them.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe37LACuvOX
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“Are you listening to me?” Mom only said. “How long are you going to be this reckless? You’re not a child anymore!”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzIu2eI8j5P
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“Mom, please—sob, I was studying. These are—”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBYhONLDSpY
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All four notebooks fell to the ground. They felt heavier because of the trembling from my hands. I looked where they fell and I saw them scattered, some of them open, their pages folded by the way they fell. My eyes went wide. There was no way I had just ruined his efforts like that. I couldn’t bear it. I tried to bend to pick them up and fix them, but my mom grabbed my hand…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhDYU5CvHOJ
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Why?34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKnxokCyOn6
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“Listen to me!” Mom yelled.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTKlQpG01ft
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“M—sob, M-m—sob, Mom—sob, Le—sob, Let—sob, me—sob, go—sob,” I tried.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ83utrQovGm
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“Sit down properly. I’m not done talking to you yet!” she insisted and didn’t let go of my hand.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmMVEGX6G6I
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So I cried. I felt helpless. My voice wasn’t just letting out sobs anymore. I whimpered, I bawled. I pulled my hand from her grasp and used both my hands to cross them over the table. I hid my face on top of them. And my heart tore, my head ached, and my whole body felt weak and exhausted.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLqChcoP2jt
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How could she?34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWDkDJqC51Q
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Because I deserved it…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdLgYo3spLM
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Why isn’t she listening to me?34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgebBKrajXU
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Because I had lied…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKwUJvrixJV
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I never did anything wrong…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5f8fpQXb7b
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Did I really never?34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxiodNLSqeT
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I bit my lips and gripped my hand tighter. I wondered if Mom had started hating me. I wished that Dad was still here. And I started to—34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV07RWNhwJi
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I held that thought. I held that thought from my brain so hard I made my head ache worse. I loved my mom, I always did. She was always strict, I knew of that, but she had always been like a best friend to me, not just a mother. But right now, I felt like she was trying not to recognize those times we had together. I knew I was always stubborn and caused her trouble, but she knew that I wouldn’t actually go too far. This felt too unfair… I was just a daughter to her, after all.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡblRBLhJVkY
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The living room started to be filled with my own gasps, with me trying to tell Mom again that I wasn’t lying, that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, that I was just studying with him. But I couldn’t say anything coherently. They just came out as whimpers. And when I realized that, I just retreated and hid my face again. And I stayed like that for a while. I didn’t know how much time had passed. But I suddenly noticed my mom somehow ended up standing beside me, rubbing my back, trying to calm me down. But it took more time for me to settle down, more time to get used to the pain that was squeezing me tight.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡp3OK7ZT06Z
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Then everything went silent…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn3KZbPTtc5
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“I’m sorry,” Mom said, her voice calmer. “Here, drink some water.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdyQqPyYT7m
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I raised my head just enough to see a glass of water placed in front of me. I didn’t even notice when she went to the kitchen to get it. On the corner of the table were the four notebooks that had been lying on the ground the last time I saw them. I reached for them instead and held them to my chest. Some of the notebooks still had pages folded inside their covers, and no matter how uncomfortable I was feeling, I tried to fix them. I wanted to fix them. I needed to.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGGdKy8uGi
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I wonder if she saw what’s inside?34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHZN67PHFca
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“Runa, I am not being like this to you for no reason. This is all for your own sake. I am just worried,” Mom said.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZuXhR389EI
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The dread of defeat settled heavily on my neck at the realization that Mom never even tried to at least peek. Otherwise, she would’ve asked me about them…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ735mRd0gDA
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“I know you probably do not want to hear this again, but I just need to make sure you heard me. Going to a boy’s house when it’s just you and him is not appropriate. You're a girl and still young, and I am worried that you would do something that you would regret later in life. Think about your future first, think about graduation first, about college.” Mom’s voice started to sound firm again. She tried to soften it, but I knew she just wanted me to do exactly as she commanded.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoeF0ftNuqb
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I waited for more…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwcWWdIJQgM
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And after a few seconds, there was more…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9ByrRq47B9
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“Were you planning to go again tomorrow, to this boy’s house?” Mom asked.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbvdCoW9gnE
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I nodded… then I heard her sigh.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtYZEFgDZJW
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“I’m sorry, but I am not going to allow it. Call Mika and Hina instead if you want to study.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxKn7BDyqL9
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I nodded… while I bit my lips as hard as I could to prevent tears from welling up again.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6mspm2L1mR
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I wanted to tell her that I needed this. That this was the only way left. That I already had Mika, Hina and even Yui to help me, and that we ended up asking for Kuroiwa-kun because we had failed. But how could I explain what happened next? That he gave me an unreasonable condition to accept, that he wanted me to go to his apartment alone, that he had given me a choice and yet I chose to go back. But he had also sacrificed a lot for me, sacrificed sleep to write notebooks for me, sacrificed his time so he could teach me. Would Mom be able to understand all of that? All of the fear, doubts and anxiety that I had to go through before I had seen what he could do? The hope, belief and confidence I gained after I had made progress because he helped me open my eyes and reveal what I could do?34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9a8uCsssZL
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She wouldn’t even listen to me…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Blyp51epK
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And she would definitely get angrier if she found out all of that. So, I would just keep my mouth shut. She was always right anyway. And I was always wrong. And most of all, I already had no will to say anything anymore.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDbhPLJMR1x
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“Runa, please sit down properly,” Mom said softly. I followed her instructions.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBMqcfBWjpC
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I picked up the notebooks from the table and hid them between my chest and my arms.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkslPkBOWTL
“Here, drink water,” Mom offered.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhKL8ZFRCHb
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I shook my head.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrvphwefNse
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“I-I want to go back to my room,” I said.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8H8aYc4ukm
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…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0r5g2h51Oa
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…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfjN5w2AYX
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“O—”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡl8oT72C6Vh
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Before my mom finished giving me permission, I had already stood up and grabbed my bag. I quickly turned my back to her, and it hurt me that I had to act this way, but my feet kept moving fast. I slowed down when I reached the second floor and held the notebooks tighter as I entered my room. Then, as soon as I closed the door behind me, I realized that the afternoon had started to end. And the last light of the day had already begun to wither away…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZI6maWrKpF
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10:17 pm34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQxuPaeWx2M
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I was staring at the ceiling. Just like every time I had tried to think, to reach within my thoughts. But my thoughts were not functioning properly. So many things, too many things that I didn’t know which ones to think first.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnBkQ0V4yKp
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A few hours ago, Ruri opened the door and peeked slightly inside my room. I caught her from the corner of my eye looking like a lost puppy. But I didn’t get the urge to pamper her or even talk to her. I just didn’t have the strength to even try.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6MjlJBklup
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“I’m sorry, Ru-nee.” I heard her whisper from the door. She sounded sad. But she didn’t come in. Soon after, she closed the door.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKm1DnU0JC0
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I didn’t react, but it wasn’t like I was blaming her. I wouldn’t blame her. Never. I just wasn’t normal. I was just hurt.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDmI0hveZpo
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Afterwards, Mom called me at least five times for dinner. Once after she was done cooking. Probably around seven at night. That was when she usually prepared the food. When I did not answer, she would come to my room and check on me. I would pretend to be sleeping under my blanket. She would sigh every time, but she would close the door without saying anything.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFApOi71duu
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The second was an hour after, the third was a few minutes after the second, the fourth was another hour after the third. And the last time was just a few minutes ago.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKTk9gzPPmL
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Mom placed the dish she had cooked, a bowl of rice, and a glass of water on my study desk. Then she sat down on my bed. She touched my arm and started explaining herself. I wasn’t really listening. I wasn’t in the mood. All I remembered she had said was that she was once a teenager like me, and she had done things that she was now regretting. But why was she comparing me to herself? When I wasn’t doing the things she had done. I didn’t even know what she did. I might have skipped a lot of details, but I wasn’t too keen to remember everything.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnBXuIQR49b
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I inhaled some air. Then a few seconds later I let it out.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4j6vRjDFP6
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My hand searched for my bag, and when it touched something, I looked at it. One of the notebooks that was lying beside me. I tried to search with my eyes this time, and when I saw my bag, I grabbed it. My phone was inside. I had put it in there after I found it by the main entrance this afternoon. I held it with my hands then turned on the screen.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡN3BuOGzG83
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Notifications appeared, many of them. Missed calls and private messages. From Mika, from Hina and from Yui. I opened the messages from each one of them to see what they said. Mika was apologizing for not covering for me. She said she wasn’t ready to fabricate anything at that time when my mom suddenly visited her. It was okay. It wasn't her fault. It was my fault for bringing up her name when I talked to Mom during breakfast. Hina was apologizing for not thinking of any excuse when my mom asked Mika to talk to Hina when she called. It was okay. It wasn't her fault. I almost even used her name to tell a lie. Yui was asking how I was doing. And all I could do was think about how, at the time, I had wanted to use her for another lie. And I didn’t like myself for even thinking about using Yui for another excuse.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlhr4yGTSGf
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I had been biting my lips a lot this afternoon, and I felt the soreness still wasn’t enough to prevent myself from doing it again. But I was careful this time. It was just, I couldn’t let my tears overwhelm me again. I didn’t even know if I could still cry. But I found out the answer quickly when a small tear managed to escape my eye and travelled down to my ear.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEjPi6vYcFe
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I wiped it.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFo3ussYT6K
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I apologized to Mika, I apologized to Hina, I apologized to Yui. I did so on our group chat, and all three of them replied with concern. I told them what happened, but I told them not to worry. Yui said she would have been fine if I had told Mom I was with her.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfTgFzc6Fjh
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But I wouldn’t…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7N94VtQpTU
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I couldn’t…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgLSc2neEYV
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The group chat had been lively for a while. Yui and Hina did most of the talking. Mika would reply from time to time but would stay mostly silent. In their own way, they tried to make me feel better. I did. But only a little bit.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuPsL8b2pKZ
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I told them I had to go to sleep afterwards. Yui sent me a ‘good night’ with a lot of hug emojis. Hina told me to sleep well and that I should rest properly. Mika was quiet. But it was fine. I placed my phone on top of my bed. Then, it suddenly rang.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡy9lpD6RYk0
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I accepted the call.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdKJPKMVJaC
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“Hello? Runa? How are you feeling?” It was Mika, her voice filled with concern.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs5VYc8BIK1
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“I’m fine,” I answered.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjfyjFMqBqu
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“You don’t sound like you're fine.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv3dNSkx0IP
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I didn’t reply.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtR9GNJUpBN
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“Hey, you can talk to me about it. Let’s talk,” Mika insisted.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJDpStJirj
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I contemplated. I tried to arrange my thoughts first.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyJTwmOerhO
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“Mika…” I said. My voice started to break, but I managed. “I’m sorry.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYnCvgfGhO6
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“You don’t need to apologize again. In fact, there’s nothing for you to apologize for. It’s fine, Runa..”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2ts28p5OFy
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“I shouldn’t have lied, I shouldn’t have gotten you involved.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCF2A2Qk1QS
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“It’s okay, Runa. Really.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzqwmrIcqyK
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“D-did—sob, Mom—”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWWCS89ev3H
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I went silent…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhsemb5pZaJ
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“She didn’t do anything, she came here and asked where you were. I couldn’t answer because I still remembered last night when she was scolding you. I got intimidated. I’m sorry,” Mika said.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqPLagWYPzm
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My voice started shaking again, so I didn’t respond.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡf6AMshsGh3
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“I tried to contact you earlier, but you weren’t answering,” Mika continued.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡseLIAVxEjB
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“I dropped my phone and left it at home,” I said.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJHKHd81w2C
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“Oh… that explains it.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hTScbES2y
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“Yeah…”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNg2NtkW5A3
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There was silence for a few seconds. But it felt far longer than that. I could sense Mika feeling the misfortune I got from what I thought was a little incident. It was actually bigger than I thought.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡelAzJMF4Dg
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“So,” Mika broke the silence, “how do you really feel right now?”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2R0SyuPIfH
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“...Tired.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBaeNyDHcpj
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“Do you want to go to sleep?”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0NYQDaDSSN
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“Yeah.”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡz5zgVcBhxD
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“Tomorrow, will you go?”34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrC3hhcYoyz
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That question drilled a massive hole inside my heart. And the tears started flowing without me permitting them. I opened my mouth to respond, but the whimpers shook my breath, and I knew, at that point, that I would become a mess again.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYGnHMUPT8N
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“Runa?” Mika called my name.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdiSwJxbLvb
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I tried to compose myself one last time.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ4b6YMAK4dQ
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“I—sob, I was for—sob, forbidden to go.” I managed somehow.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqH3DQ0RNQC
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Mika stayed silent.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAsFaUl9WIy
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“I—sob, I think—sob, I have to—sob, go…” I said.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBRYpCpJ4lQ
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…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyHMvS6qy1X
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“...Okay, you can call me anytime if you need to, alright? Just remember that I am always here for you. Good night,” Mika replied.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnDQlbm7PAr
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I ended the call and dropped my phone on my bed. I used both my hands to cover my eyes, but I just wouldn’t stop. This time I was alone in my room. There was no reason to try to manage every little drop, every little shake, every little gasp. I just let them all happen, I just let the pain take over me.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUHrVnKUMu
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I helplessly cried on my bed. Then, I noticed the notebooks beside me. I immediately collected all of them. All four of them, I checked if they were okay. Although my sight had become blurry because of the tears, I continued until I knew for sure that they were all fine. I pressed them to my chest afterwards and hugged them to protect them. I didn’t know from what, just protect them.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡucXMM34ts8
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Then I started to calm down. Time had passed, maybe 20 minutes or 30. My pillows ended up soaked in tears. I raised my hand toward it while the notebooks were still secured tightly with my embrace.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTbXQpTcbEY
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I thought about this morning, about Mom, about Ruri, and about my phone falling out of my bag. I thought about sitting in the entrance lobby, the walking past his apartment room without me noticing, and the time I got too close to his face to confront him because he just let me. I thought about the book, the blank notebook I had to write into, and how tired I felt after two hours of writing.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqDjVC7N4V5
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Then…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6GhSvfAhMB
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I thought about that break. That time we were waiting for the rice to be cooked. That time I had listened to my exhaustion. And I was curious, and I just did what I did…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsIaSCHlKRN
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Rei…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVdDT7MeqUy
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I thought about him…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8B8kNPpJ9Z
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And as my eyes started closing with another set of tears coming out my eyes. I answered my body’s call to sleep. The comfort it wanted. I laid a finger from my hand to my tear-soaked pillow right beside my eyes. The same finger that touched his.34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWRsTzknuty
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And the last thing I remembered after that…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsuwTHKOKs5
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It was something I thought he would never show… The face that I thought I would never see…34Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡahpe9Ouw7f
1234 copyright protection30ＰＥＮＡＮＡG1vrsy9Aj4 尼

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