幕后逗留者 - 【幕后逗留者】19

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清晨

阳光还未彻底射进窗口

宿舍却已经变得繁忙起来

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因为公司今天安排了《Talker》的录制

成员们一大早就马不停蹄地起来做着准备

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过了不久

保姆车已经在楼下大门等待

Bang Chan 拿着名单

像往常一样点数着人数

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少了一人。

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“谁还没出来啊？”

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Bang Chan 环顾四周质问着

可语气并不凶

天色尚早

时间并不紧绷

迟一些也没关系

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“Han 还没下来。”

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一道声音打破了宁静

这个回应很稳，没有半分颤抖

像是十分确定一样

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大家齐刷刷地望向了 Lee Know

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“Know，你去催一下 Han，告诉他我们得早点报道。”

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“嗯。”

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面对队长的要求

Lee Know 爽快地应了下来

马上转身折返回宿舍建筑物

不带半分怠慢

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Lee Know 急促的脚步声

带着一丝藏不住的担忧

回荡在空荡荡的楼梯间里

显得有些落空

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最终

Lee Know 的步伐停在了一个黑影前

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是 Han

正站在高他几层的阶梯上

居高临下地注视着他

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“Han…”

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Lee Know 抬起头，仰望着他

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“Han 啊，Chan 哥让我来找——”

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“我早好了，正准备找你们呢。”

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解释被打断了

Han 眼神还是那样清澈明朗

可语气却在恍惚中

带着一丝说不清的失神

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就像当初他们刚认识时那样

看起来离得近

实际上却遥远得触不可及

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Han 从 Lee Know 身旁擦肩而过

动作太快了

甚至在空气中牵起了一阵冷风

寂寞地飘荡在 Lee Know 的侧脸

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这一切发生得太突然

仿佛刚才的对视从没发生过一样

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这已经不是 Han 的第一次了

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连续五个星期

整整五个星期的疏离

Lee Know 其实全都看在眼底

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Han 藏得很好

在这段时间里并不明显

但私底下

Lee Know 隐约中总能感受到那种刻意的回避，很难让他忽视不理

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可比起这些，最让 Lee Know 心慌的

是那股密密麻麻

不知该如何安放的落空感

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越是这样，Lee Know 越是克制

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他害怕有一天

如果自己失控了

那道唯一照进生命的光

真的会离他更远，甚至彻底消失不见

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今天也一样

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明明没有任何插曲

可那股疏离感，却再次加重了

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摇摇晃晃的保姆车上非常安静

大家都趁着这段空档时间闭眼补眠

只有 Lee Know 还没睡着

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或者说，他是真的睡不下去了

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他微微偏过头，看着身边的座位

现在坐在他身边的是 Hyunjin

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而那个原本雷打不动、只要一上车就会理所当然霸占他身旁位置的 Han

现在却坐在离他最远的对角线车厢前排，和 Felix 挤在一起

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其实，车位分配的变化是从上个星期才开始的

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整整五个星期的疏离

前面的相安无事

Lee Know 都逼着自己去适应、去克制

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可唯独 “身边坐着的不再是 Han” 这个最新的变故

由于太过新鲜、也太过直白

刺得他至今无法习惯

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保姆车碾过路面的颠簸

猛地晃动了一下

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Lee Know 那双布满血丝的眼睛

一眨不眨地盯着对角线的位置

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只见前排的 Han 似乎累极了

歪着的脑袋随着车身的晃动摇摇欲坠

眼看着就要狠狠撞上冰冷坚硬的车窗

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在那一刹那

Lee Know 的身体快过大脑

下意识地微微往前倾

手臂甚至已经抬起了一半

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可下一秒，他的动作硬生生僵在了半空中

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车厢狭窄

可那道对角线的距离，却像是一条无法跨越的银河

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他再也没办法像以前那样

理所当然地伸出手

用掌心温柔地捧住那颗快要撞痛的脑袋了

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抬起的手最终无力地垂下

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在阴影里

Lee Know 只能死死地握紧了拳头

指甲深深地掐进掌心

逼着自己坐回冰冷的椅背上

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“……你和 Han，最近怎么了？”

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一旁原本闭着眼的 Hyunjin 突然睁开一条缝

看着 Lee Know 一路上严肃冷硬得像要杀人一样的神情

压低声音疑惑地问了一句

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Lee Know 浑身一僵

随后面无表情地松开拳头，移开了视线

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“没什么。可能最近写歌作曲太累了，他想要独处一会儿。”

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又是这句理由

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这是五个星期以来，Lee Know 在无数个失眠的深夜里，唯一用来催眠和麻痹自己的话

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听起来很愚蠢、很拙劣

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甚至自己都不信

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可除了这样能够维持体面的借口

他面对 Han 的作茧自缚

根本别无选择

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Hyunjin 听不出里面的拉扯

还以为真的只是创作期的小脾气

赞同地撇了撇嘴

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“嗯... 也是，Han 最近在宿舍确实蛮孤僻的，经常一个人关在房间里。那让他好好休息吧。”

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说完，Hyunjin 又再次闭眼养神

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…孤僻。

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听到这个词

Lee Know 的心脏像是被钝器狠狠锤了一下

密密麻麻的落空感瞬间被恐慌替代

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可到了《Talker》的录制现场

这种“孤僻”却被掩盖得天衣无缝

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镜头一开，室内的气氛瞬间热烈起来

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大家围绕着主持人的问题大声欢笑

热烈地开着玩笑

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当镜头对准 Han 的时候

他立刻露出了招牌式的元气笑容

眼睛亮晶晶的

活泼开朗得像往常一样

甚至还手舞足蹈地接了几个梗

把全场逗得哈哈大笑

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只有一直死死盯着他的 Lee Know 注意到了

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现场的特写机位一转开

刚刚还笑得毫无阴霾的 Han

嘴角的笑容瞬间崩塌

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整个人像是被抽走了灵魂的躯壳一样

失神地陷在座位的阴影里

灵魂出鞘般的木然

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今天，Lee Know 完全不在状态

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他的注意力早就不在拍摄上了

所有的雷达，只锁在 Han 那反常的情绪变化上

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中场休息，拍摄暂停

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成员们都在喝水补妆

而 Han 却一个人呆坐在角落的椅子上

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Lee Know 站在不远处

看着 Han 藏在桌子底下的手脚

正在无法控制地、极其细微地不断抖动着

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那双平日里总是亮晶晶的眼睛

此刻一片涣散和恍惚

脸色苍白得像纸

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整个人，都不对劲到了极点

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Lee Know 再也控制不住

大步走过去，停在他面前

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“Han。”

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没有回应

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Han 像是个失去了听觉的木偶

陷在自己的窒息里

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Lee Know 的心脏猛地一缩

顾不得镜头可能还在运行

抬手重重地在 Han 的肩膀上拍了一下

声音提高

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“知城！”

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“啊！！”

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Han 浑身剧烈地一颤

像是从什么可怕的噩梦里被生生拽出来一样

满眼惊恐地、极其被动地回头看向 Lee Know

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迟了五个星期的四目相对

Lee Know 总算看清了他眼底深不见底的防备

不仅如此

Han 的额头上，密密麻麻全是冷汗。

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Lee Know 的理智在这一刻彻底断线

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他沉着脸

一只手直接扣住 Han 发抖的手腕

强行把人从椅子上拉起来

一路拽到了休息室后面最僻静、最少人的安全通道拐角

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“你没事吧？”

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Lee Know 松开手，逼视着他

刚刚紧张急促的步伐

和现在强压下焦虑、极力放得温柔的语气

形成了强烈的对比

可他眼神里，全是要溢出来的焦躁和心疼

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“你手脚在抖，额头上全是汗。Han，你到底怎么了？！”

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“我没事。”

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Han 急促地喘了两口气

连想都没想

这个苍白的回应就脱口而出

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他的眼睛拼命地往地上躲避

就是死活不敢回视 Lee Know 那双写满关切的眼睛

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整整五星期

他都在用这种无声的姿态

抗拒着 Lee Know 的靠近

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那是一种近乎绝望的防御姿态

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他在拒绝他的关心

他在用最冷漠的围墙

把最爱他的二哥挡在外面

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不对劲

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太古怪了

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可看着眼前人那近乎自残般的抗拒

Lee Know 垂在身侧的手紧了又松

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41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcTdYcOSAjS

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“你...真的没事？”

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“我真的没事啊，哥！”

41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGKjhAndj2z

41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMAoHNcctw6

还在嘴硬

还是不愿告诉他

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最终，他也只能痛苦地把退路让了出来

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41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6hKTd09AD4

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“……没事就回休息室补妆。”

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41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyrXowVLmUd

41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYunTgWeKsw

Lee Know 最终还是把人放走了

41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡWw3NCd0gEc

看着 Han 甚至带着一丝逃跑意味的匆忙背影

Lee Know 一个人站在阴暗的安全通道里

任由那股冰凉的无力感将自己刺穿

41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVS0dxzsJJL

而他

只能眼睁睁地看着那道唯一能照进他生命里的光

离他越来越远

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41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ10KfCDnJ6E

「Han 啊...」

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「别这样...」

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「我到底哪里做错了，告诉哥。」

41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6IR2TA2VLs

「哥真的...再也不能承受失去的代价了」

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41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyZKx0Xt0PI

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41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KiBgWCAPC

41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡj9klE0WOPY

另一边，Han 躲进了卫生间的隔间

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他走到洗脸盆前

扭开水龙头，用冰冷的水将脸彻底浸湿

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他抬起头

看着镜子里湿淋淋的自己

觉得可笑至极

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他想笑

可却连牵动嘴角的力气都没有了

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41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuG8wxURqzh

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“哈啊...”

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他无奈地对着洗脸盆吐出一口气

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冷水并没能让他清醒

心里的那股酸涩感

不仅没有被削薄

反而被黑暗无限放大

压得他连呼吸都无法平稳

41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzkRe1VAsW4

41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKhSwupnZji

「哥...」

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「趁我还没彻底爆发之前」

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「离我远点」

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「...别逼我」

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「算我求你了...」

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41Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyilDdxTTLo

他紧闭双眼

在这空无一人的密室里

脱力地靠着墙壁，朝着空气苦苦祈求着

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在同一个建筑物里

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两个截然不同的角落

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却散发着一模一样的，无处安放的寂寞

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