我叫英櫻,是英亞與英嵐的姊姊。12Please respect copyright.PENANAhHQr5ojgMN
從小,我就是「最乖的那個」。12Please respect copyright.PENANAkFRHsZqXcu
父親說我像母親——優雅、克制、有責任感。12Please respect copyright.PENANA4oj9KVMDKb
我不太吵鬧,不太反抗,總是照著大家希望的樣子行動。12Please respect copyright.PENANAB8fUHXZnf5
三歲學芭蕾、五歲進琴房、七歲開始拿獎。12Please respect copyright.PENANAXQ2xgCUHVC
所有人都說:「英家的驕傲,是姊姊。」12Please respect copyright.PENANAxl5OgYyoCP
但沒有人問過我——我自己,喜不喜歡那種「被驕傲」的感覺。12Please respect copyright.PENANA6aPrck12WJ
12Please respect copyright.PENANAVxlwOC0uNv
—12Please respect copyright.PENANA0EQn37ujpa
我其實很羨慕弟弟們。12Please respect copyright.PENANAOCUCyOEfLZ
雖然他們吵、鬧、甚至讓父親皺眉,但他們是自由的。12Please respect copyright.PENANAWBHj9aUKmx
尤其是英亞。12Please respect copyright.PENANAyopy0yaOZW
他可以對世界說「我喜歡誰」,可以哭,可以笑,可以大聲否認。12Please respect copyright.PENANAs9h77dlwdw
而我只能安靜地轉圈,像芭蕾舞者一樣——微笑、旋轉、落地。12Please respect copyright.PENANAY9yZHfioUG
12Please respect copyright.PENANAC3GsaSBxky
我第一次真正愛上一個人,是在十四歲。12Please respect copyright.PENANAyh9YizED0m
12Please respect copyright.PENANALnUThfJJYo
她叫沙夜,一位從日校轉來的女舞者。12Please respect copyright.PENANAwU4slEFmBU
她跳的不是古典芭蕾,而是現代舞。12Please respect copyright.PENANAiBNgYXIKTD
沒有硬鞋、沒有髮髻、沒有音樂,她光著腳,像風一樣灑脫。12Please respect copyright.PENANA1g5gxySfdV
老師不喜歡她,說她「沒有規矩」。12Please respect copyright.PENANAytup0HwAAT
但我無法不看她。12Please respect copyright.PENANAQcsE5CL3Eb
甚至,我開始為她調整我的舞。12Please respect copyright.PENANAYo7AR3Tkws
我的轉身、我的眼神、我的呼吸節奏,都在偷偷模仿她。12Please respect copyright.PENANAnBPbxMViME
我那時以為,那叫「崇拜」。12Please respect copyright.PENANAnMxuV6HeU8
但其實——我只是想靠近她。12Please respect copyright.PENANAsh3LMqnPb3
靠到,我也可以被她的風捲走。12Please respect copyright.PENANAdv23TqEtPD
12Please respect copyright.PENANAqalCGP2dMl
—12Please respect copyright.PENANA98S0l40neU
後來她說要回日本。12Please respect copyright.PENANAgO4nZJdCrF
那天,我破例沒紮髮髻,只把長髮鬆鬆地盤在頭上。12Please respect copyright.PENANAGUBv38DCnJ
她看了我好久,笑著說:12Please respect copyright.PENANAOeGVJ93GgS
「這才是妳。」12Please respect copyright.PENANA9yjgF33Jx9
我沒說話,只是抱了她一下。12Please respect copyright.PENANAs2WjJDzZ79
那是我人生第一次主動擁抱別人。12Please respect copyright.PENANA8EO1n9ZJ4b
那一刻我才明白:12Please respect copyright.PENANAhVL1NEqHqo
我可以愛女生。12Please respect copyright.PENANANOfGOgkqyK
12Please respect copyright.PENANAoCcJ345wPJ
但我沒有告訴家人。12Please respect copyright.PENANAl6BSlT9jHD
我把這段情感包好,像壓在舞鞋底的緞帶結。12Please respect copyright.PENANAHwmA1jySoA
誰也不說。12Please respect copyright.PENANAcZ2we0LENJ
只是,偶爾在獨舞時,我會留下一個姿勢——12Please respect copyright.PENANAVwBvUIW3sl
左腳前伸、右手高舉、目光望遠——那是她最後留給我的動作。12Please respect copyright.PENANAURuaXTpeZW
只有我自己知道,那不是編舞。12Please respect copyright.PENANAvB1I8LNPwv
那是我的紀念。12Please respect copyright.PENANAGoxwbP3RbC
12Please respect copyright.PENANAMZO3kHrPOa
—12Please respect copyright.PENANAXB4eYRaJgu
有時候我看到英亞牽著曹曦的手走在陽光下,我會想——12Please respect copyright.PENANAVLQ8xH0rUn
如果當年我也勇敢一點,是不是……就不一樣了?12Please respect copyright.PENANAyMcEH56rdR
但後來我才明白:12Please respect copyright.PENANAdHJot0UmgW
我的愛,不一定要被看見。12Please respect copyright.PENANAA8BnIOF2lD
她存在過,那段情感在我舞裡還活著。12Please respect copyright.PENANAPO1HJeTaB8
我只是不說,但我沒忘。12Please respect copyright.PENANAmeoQFupY6E
12Please respect copyright.PENANAZn443684u7
—12Please respect copyright.PENANAXtUTfN5Vvo
我依然跳芭蕾,也依然將頭髮盤得很整齊。12Please respect copyright.PENANAMqatVypuNE
但我知道,心裡的我,已經不是那個永遠完美的「英家姊姊」。12Please respect copyright.PENANA3ZZxLXi78V
我只是——英櫻。12Please respect copyright.PENANA9aM2vsUkQT
一個也曾為愛失控過的女孩。12Please respect copyright.PENANA7ijQpfaeoc
✅番外五:〈第一首舞〉(英亞 & 曹曦 共同視角)12Please respect copyright.PENANAM1yMmW4xT6
12Please respect copyright.PENANA8GV6hw5xTq
英亞的視角12Please respect copyright.PENANAJPa9mnrf6W
12Please respect copyright.PENANAS9BFyV7eZW
升上高中後,我們進了不同的校區。12Please respect copyright.PENANAq7VxCa6fXb
他選的是藝術實驗班,我走的是綜合高中部。12Please respect copyright.PENANA3ov34WjSVO
老師說這樣比較保險,「以後出路比較廣」,我知道他是為我好。12Please respect copyright.PENANAdIgvpg5t6H
但那段時間,我有一種說不出的空虛。12Please respect copyright.PENANAcxwU1jwFYT
每天早上醒來,最想看的那個紅色馬尾,消失在我生活裡。12Please respect copyright.PENANAiu3wV5Mh5l
連學校的樓層都對不上。12Please respect copyright.PENANANUcASyQjP1
12Please respect copyright.PENANANI08y0EQJF
有一天,學校宣布要辦迎新晚會。12Please respect copyright.PENANAq4zPuEJ2Jj
負責表演節目的老師到處抓人填名額,我正想逃課時,聽到一個熟悉的聲音在後門喊:12Please respect copyright.PENANAohLSja8oO1
「老師,我們報一段雙人舞。」12Please respect copyright.PENANAdIlauAvwJz
12Please respect copyright.PENANAbqCLv8SWXR
我轉過頭——是他。12Please respect copyright.PENANApBWSpbVqaj
溫曹曦,綁著高馬尾,還是那件破網衣,只是更合身了。12Please respect copyright.PENANApuarfN3xWF
他笑著對我說:「來跳第一首舞吧。」12Please respect copyright.PENANAWt9aTycgMe
12Please respect copyright.PENANAMVtnYZDWO3
「第一首?」12Please respect copyright.PENANAiaRbrwODCK
「對啊,不是最後那首,不是比賽那段,我是說——真正,只有我們兩個的,第一首。」12Please respect copyright.PENANAkC9Y8BzGY2
12Please respect copyright.PENANAgJFlv14qqX
—12Please respect copyright.PENANAIlc4S8olAB
曹曦的視角12Please respect copyright.PENANApudcQniaqL
12Please respect copyright.PENANA93N8hDIXIJ
我早就想跳這首舞了。12Please respect copyright.PENANApPoNTvGIhp
沒有觀眾壓力、沒有比賽標準、沒有誰對誰錯。12Please respect copyright.PENANAqWudZhEpvr
我只想和他跳,跳一首沒人給拍子、沒人說好壞的舞。12Please respect copyright.PENANAn0X3a6XrGJ
因為這一次,不是為了讓別人看見我們。12Please respect copyright.PENANA9qWA9OATWC
是為了——12Please respect copyright.PENANA9yoj7xiopb
我們看見彼此。12Please respect copyright.PENANA2sGNdex9g2
12Please respect copyright.PENANAse9MqSHCVr
—12Please respect copyright.PENANAY0BuvFVdzK
排練沒有排太多。12Please respect copyright.PENANAlv5Nf2dl7l
其實動作也很簡單,就是兩個人慢慢靠近,手指滑過對方手背,肩膀貼合,再繞一圈。12Please respect copyright.PENANAQLN1DP3jAx
但當燈光打下來那一刻,我真的有點想哭。12Please respect copyright.PENANAB1yDy6c9FG
不是緊張,而是——好像那些分開的日子都被原諒了。12Please respect copyright.PENANAoLhc1wJQdi
12Please respect copyright.PENANAUK8xIGiIpy
—12Please respect copyright.PENANAxsT7fV6oTb
共同視角(表演當天)12Please respect copyright.PENANAfnWXhcH2nL
12Please respect copyright.PENANAUKVddna22y
音樂響起。12Please respect copyright.PENANAESy5lK4sXH
不是節奏強烈的電音,也不是古典樂。12Please respect copyright.PENANAKHk5LjrXzj
是一段低沉卻溫柔的貝斯,像雨水打在屋簷的聲音。12Please respect copyright.PENANAYnYZlg8HvJ
我們牽著手轉了一圈,然後背對背靠著。12Please respect copyright.PENANAcpS0aEvDHn
沒有華麗動作,沒有爆點。12Please respect copyright.PENANAWlYyuKUkoZ
但我們知道,這一圈,是那天未完成的擁抱。12Please respect copyright.PENANAKTzme0IpFl
12Please respect copyright.PENANALcjo6EetKe
我們走向彼此、靠近、觸碰、轉身、再離開、再靠近。12Please respect copyright.PENANA2lVKLeotyJ
像整整一年來的思念與猶豫,被濃縮在兩分鐘的靜默裡。12Please respect copyright.PENANAFJHMtscuoz
12Please respect copyright.PENANAYPirz3lEmN
舞快結束時,我輕輕抬頭看著他:12Please respect copyright.PENANAOmGR66Uooo
「這是我們的第一首舞。」12Please respect copyright.PENANAJL8yjfWCbA
他點頭。12Please respect copyright.PENANAnDlVJFu2Ap
「也是下一首的開始。」12Please respect copyright.PENANAEif6SqZSOI
12Please respect copyright.PENANA3M5qdOoiCl
—12Please respect copyright.PENANARz3iCUkDTs
燈暗,鼓掌聲響起。12Please respect copyright.PENANATWeYD5V2yo
我們手牽手走下舞台。12Please respect copyright.PENANAYHGtUFfrLc
沒有回頭。12Please respect copyright.PENANAsAabCoWtrp
因為我們知道——12Please respect copyright.PENANA6bKKkZeTka
從這一刻開始,誰也不會再鬆手。12Please respect copyright.PENANAVvrigpj7gy
12Please respect copyright.PENANA52BO8ciyTS
—12Please respect copyright.PENANAGEhem8nroJ
那一晚,英亞在限時動態寫了一句話:12Please respect copyright.PENANAHj0BATCTXD
「我終於不用再跳給別人看了。這次,是跳給你。」💗12Please respect copyright.PENANAfxnmEBKfUd
12Please respect copyright.PENANAyfHAnXp85Q
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盛夏裡的紅髮男孩
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盛夏裡的紅髮男孩
Author:
時雨
ISSUE #23
番外四:〈芭蕾與混血〉(姊姊視角)
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