If you would’ve asked me back then if I was happy, I would have laughed.
Not because it was a stupid question, but because the answer felt so obvious.
Of course I was happy; I had Yuna. The girl I had confessed to nearly a year ago.
It sounds simple when I say it now, but back then, she was my everything. That’s why thinking back on it now, the words still send a jolt of emotions through my heart and mind.
“I cheated on you.”
I still remember the look in her eyes in that theatre, the tears welling up in the eyes I saw my reflection in, the subtle shake of her hands.
I didn’t want to lash out or yell, but to be honest, I didn’t feel like any of those emotions were present in me at the time. It could’ve also been because other people were there, or because the lights were still dimmed, or because it was out of the blue.
The more I stared into tear-filled eyes, the worse I felt. It was as if my heart was being twisted.
I hoped it was a small misunderstanding, or even a selfless prank, maybe to get a reaction out of me.
I asked her to the movies for a new anime that came out, I thought she would like it. She looked down this week, so I even bought her a new necklace, with her favorite topaz gem.
Went the thoughts were peaking, I instinctively reached for her hand, still resting on the armrest.
But the moment our skin touched, she pulled away, as if I frightened her.
“Who was it with?” I asked without realizing, like my heart had questions my mind couldn’t think of.
Her eyes looked away, like she was unable to look at me anymore.
“Haru-”
I remember feeling my chest tighten up as I was about to hear the name of a person I now wish I had never met.
“-to.”
The name of what I thought was my best friend. The name of someone I drove across town for, the one I defended without a second thought, the same guy who called me at three in the morning when he thought his life was falling apart.
The name of someone I could call my brother confidently. “Haruto.”
I felt the room spin, my thoughts spiraled, but all I let out was a laugh. A single, broken laugh. I didn’t find anything funny at all, but I think because the answer made so little sense, that my brain refused it.
“No...” I responded.
“No.”
“It can’t be him.” My last few droplets of hope started to rain, hoping that my friends would come out from behind our seats, yelling “Surprise! It was a prank!”. But none of that happened. I was in denial of the reality that I just heard of.
My last hopeful stride ended, like a small downpour revealing a rainbow and bright sun soon after.
But my sun never appeared, all but the darkness, swallowing my light.
All I can remember was another question, lingering in my cluttered mind.
“...since when?” I asked, hoping, just hoping, it wasn’t that bad, then maybe, just maybe, I could forgive her.
But instead of being answered, Yuna started crying more and more, her sobs grew louder, her mascara ran down her cheeks, her breathing became faster.
And to me, that was my answer.
I looked away for the first time since she told me reality, seeing no more people around, only the credits rolling of the anime we just watched, but I don’t remember anymore what it was about.
I forgot.
“...November.” Yuna replied, with a soft sob soon after.
“November huh,” That thought overtook every other. “It’s June.”
“Oh... it’s over.” I thought.
Our anniversary was coming up, so I was getting excited and nervous about what to do for the person I loved. I even spent the last week trying to figure out what gift to give her, I even sold some of my old figurines to have extra pocket change.
I was betrayed for several months. But knowing it was since November, it was one-sided. Unrequited love even. She spent the last 7 months cheating on me.
I could feel anger swelling up and I don’t remember what I thought before mumbling, “...How many times?”
Yuna’s crying paused, as I could feel her gaze towards me for the first time since I asked the first question.
I couldn’t look at her anymore. I don’t know what I would have acted like if I saw my reflection in her eyes again.
“What?” She asked me, but I couldn’t keep my composure anymore.
“How many times did you tell me you loved me after November?!” I yelled. I don’t want to say I raised my voice, but I can’t remember anything else besides her crying getting louder.
It was the same as before, a wordless answer. Something that hurts more than words, something that was above to drive me mad.
Right in the middle of my mind-break, the theatre staff came in to clean.
Looking back, they probably thought they were just doing their jobs, but to me, they were an escape route. It gave me a reason to get up and leave without her.
There are days I wish I could have the chance to go back and tell myself the truth. To tell myself that Yuna would be the one to break my heart, that she wouldn’t love me like I loved her.
But knowing me, I’d defend her until my last breath. Because that’s just who I was. I was able to be persuaded through the words that left her mouth.
“I Love You”? I wish I knew beforehand that people use it for wrongfulness, for lies, for bad actions.
Because I thought she meant it, but in the end, it was just her through her own attachment to me that kept her around. Or maybe I just hope to believe there was a reason she stayed. Just like how I wish I knew the reason I stayed after being told those words.
I was played like a fool, and I was a fool, because I stayed.
Later that night, I received multiple long texts, but it was just like a bundle of words, asking for forgiveness. It was paragraph after paragraph, filled with nothing but the same excuses; “I’m sorry”, “I love you”, “Don’t leave me please.” But to me, it was all blurry, because it was all the same.
I think I was the worst one to stay. I told her, “I’m right here.” but I think it’s because I was so alone, that if I left her, I’d have no one else.
My best friend... a friend I thought I was close to, was only close to me for her, and that showed me that trust is key, but it is oh so fragile.
As the days went by and our anniversary approaching, her cries seemed less and less. It’s like she brushed off everything. Like she was just going through a phase.
I rejected all of her hangout requests. I couldn’t bring myself to hear her voice, let alone see her, especially when I’m like this.
“I miss you.”
“I love you Ren.”
“Want to hang out this Saturday?”
“I’m going to bed Ren, I love you”
A month earlier, those messages would have made me smile. But now they make me sick.
All the messages felt so fake to me.
I couldn’t tell if it was because of what happened recently or because I’ve seen them before, but before I found out the truth.
I was restless, I couldn’t sleep, nor could I find the push I needed to move forward. With our anniversary less than a month away, all hope felt to be lost.
I scrolled endlessly through old messages between me and Yuna/Haruto. Hoping to find a key to the door I’ve locked my happiness away to.
A notification popped up “Hey man it’s been a while; me and Mio just want to know if the double date is still live for next weekend? Text me back when you get the chance – Haruto"
I threw my phone to the other side of the bed, covering my face, hoping that I’d just disappear.
I remembered a time from October, when Haruto and his partner were having a falling out, and Yuna pushed me towards them to help them out.
“Now it all makes sense.” I laughed to myself, like the pieces of the puzzle started coming around.
Thinking back on it, no matter how horrible I felt, no matter the emotions I went through, no matter how alone I was, I didn’t shed a single tear.
I couldn’t bring myself to cry. I didn’t think I was weak or not like I don’t cry. But I somehow felt that I didn’t have a place to cry. I felt that if I cried, then I would be the one to blame.
And just thinking back on that feeling, goes to show that I’m lost, and I have no hope of being able to find a way out.
I was too scared to think about myself anymore, I wanted to change myself entirely, I wanted to become just an empty vessel. I hated myself for feeling the emotions I was going through.
Maybe when those thoughts were present, something struck my brain. “Wait... if Yuna cheated on me with Haru... then that means-”
I jolted up, crawling quickly across my bed and grabbing my phone.
Rummaging past the notifications and texts, “It’s still here-!” I said aloud. A group chat of us four, me, Yuna, Haruto, and his partner, Mio. The group chat used for me to talk to Mio, on helping her decide to stay with Haru.
I clicked her profile, sent a friend request, and sat there, hoping to find out more. Maybe she would have the answers I longed for.
As the moon laid upon the night sky, I stared at my ceiling waiting for my request to be accepted.
Minutes passed.
I checked my phone but got nothing.
I turned it off but checked it again a few seconds later.
Nothing.
“Maybe she rejected it.”
That thought sat in my mind longer than it should have been.
Maybe she already knew, or maybe she just didn’t care.
Maybe she blames me.
I rolled onto my side, staring at the wall.
Then I looked back up at my phone, then back at the ceiling.
I felt stuck.
I felt like I was stuck in stasis, while everyone else kept going onward.
I kept waiting for someone to come save me, to tell me what to do, where to take my next step, or to even tell me everything would be okay.
But nobody came.
And the worst part of all was that I knew no one would, I had no one else to depend on.
I even started thinking back on my actions that happened in the spur of the moment.
I don’t even know what I want from her anymore.
Maybe I wanted answers.
Maybe I wanted closure.
Maybe I just wanted somebody else to tell me I wasn’t crazy.
As my thinking went on, I felt my eyes getting heavier.
“Maybe someone else can take over.” I thought, “I don’t want to be me anymore.”
“Maybe I’d find happiness by disappearing, once and for all.”
I wished for it, I really did. I wished to leave this forsaken world.
ding
I looked at my phone, and for the first time that night, I felt something other than emptiness.
Not hope, not happiness, but enough curiosity to make me look.
‘Mio has accepted your friend request.’
ns216.73.217.39da2
and then Add to home screen.