Chapter VI: Frown
I wake up from my bed, and organize the sheets, especially the Abel blankets. I take a bath and put on my uniform to go to the university. As I enter the gate, it's much more complex that my former alma matter. I had no problem with my former school since the road going there was all cobblestone and I mean c'mon, Vigan is a walkable city.
Here at the university, there's a pedestrian lane. I know you might think, "It's a pedestrian lane, that's elementary enough to walk pass at". Well, get this, crowded on both sides, with traffic, speeding motorcycles and tricycles. Especially, TODAs on both side with a lot of U-turns. There's not even a single traffic light to signal drivers, making it not safe enough for students. Many accidents happen, especially one time, there was a batch of mine at the College of Engineering, having his headphones on, and he didn't noticed the speeding ambulance. He indeed walked the pedestrian lane, but didn't pay attention to the ambulance. Maybe he was concentrating on lessons, emotionally and pressured on the exams, because at that time, it was exam day.
I cross the pedestrian lane, and enter the gate. I walk directly to our building, still old and outdated, still the old College of Engineering. It's very old, but firm especially during earthquakes. I remember my old man telling me that nothing quite change within the building itself, except for the paint. I go for our Statics of Rigid Bodies.
"Ok class, I have checked your exams", our instructor says.
She hands us our papers.
Each student gets their paper. And then, it comes to me. I check my paper, and regrets begin to sink in. I have a low score. I had taken note back then in my Special STEM days, not to have low scores.
I immediately flip my paper backwards, covering my score. My expression is still in shock. My classmates are smiling and giggling even though the fact that their scores are even low. Like, how could they be so nonchalant about it? I admit that my former classmates were also nonchalant, but they are more helpful than the present ones right now.
"Hey, Mar, how much did you got?", one of my classmates asks me.
I look at him, and simply shake my head.
"What's the matter?", he further asks.
At that point, the statement; "College will eat you up, and spit you out like gum" is actually in the right sense and factually true.
A statement I obtained from Young Sheldon I think, except for the gum part. I recall that my transition to college is what I could describe as catastrophic. It's not that it's full of misapprehension, but a whirling cyclone or tornado of varied things. If I meant by varied things, it's not just a uniformly matter, but a lot of matter.
The human mind and body reacts to stress in different ways. I was in the mixture of stresses but I could divide them. If one would recall, there are two types of stresses. Eustress is defined as a stress doing things you like to do. My eustress are my local business, gardening, anime, and writing. And the other type of stress, is distress. In which if we speak of its name, it's the opposite of eustress. It is the stress that really makes you react negatively. At that time, my distress were as followed. First was my toxic relationship with the Maldita, and causing skepticisms among my classmates and parents. That one pinpointing object made chains around it, thus those were just my distress at that time. Imagine having these, repeating single day like in a loop, as one would enter college. I had to balance all of them just like a chemical reaction formula.
I managed to separate my stresses, and what could be ruled out as bad and good. One step at a time, I somehow see how I'm getting off-balanced from it. Especially the distribution of my tasks, like being Class Mayor, being a part of two choirs (at first), and many more. I may think that at some point, I need to reevaluate myself. But another problem was, I was in the middle of the ocean. It can also be middle of the highway, or middle of a hot scorching desert. One might not understand but what I meant was, I was in the middle of a lot of works, more than the work load back in Senior Highschool. I could describe it like being stranded in the middle of the ocean, drowning from the works, and surrounded by sharks that would bite me if I do one wrong move. I can't reevaluate myself at that time. I thought I was done for, because my mental health was depleting too.
After the final exams, I managed to break through and had time to evaluate and reevaluate myself. The incident with my parents just recently happened that time, creating tension that would exceed any known force in weight if measured in Mega Pascals or any unit of measurement. But bit by bit, I went though evaluating myself, and relapse a bit. Then, I came to a realization, just like when the Filipinos were woken by Rizal's books.
At the end of the day, or a week I should say, I realized that my eustress wasn't the one driving me into something else, but it quite clear that it's the distress. At that moment, the truth had stepped into the light. She, the Maldita, is the problem. The distress emanates from her, she is the core of problems that have been weighing on me for the past 2 years. All her toxicities, all her lies, all of her malicious, and dirty work, made me suffer those 2 years.
Untangling the past resolves past issues and conflicts. Back then, people often comment to parents how cool and nice I was. But there's just one catch, and it's my frown. What does one think is the definition of a frown? And how could it be different from being serious?
I admit back then that I was serious, but my frown doesn't mean disappointment or disarray. My frown isn't even qualified for the definition of a frown. My serious face, is actually my normal face. The curvature of my mouth passing the line if it's upward, it's a smile. If it's downward, that's a frown. But in my case, it doesn't go downward nor upward in a normal state, but plainly flat.
I eat my cookies from my food box inside my room, and crumbs begin to spread on the floor. I'm not being messy though, but the cookies have been there for a long time yet the expiration date has not come yet. The cookies are brittle, yet I'm contented of it. I go downstairs to get the soft-broom and the dustpan. As I climb upstairs holding the cleaning tools, something comes to mind.
Back then, when my parents get me to clean something, I always display my normal face but I don't frown. However, they somehow assume that I'm in a frowning state with me ended up being scolded. Through time, they were getting worst, until I explained it to them. I told them that I wasn't frowning the whole time, but was displaying my normal face. Then, they accepted it and learned through it.
The face is a special body part although one of the most dirtiest part of the body, displays enough emotions and expressions of a person. Facial expressions show what a person feel. There are many expressions but I want to highlight here, the face of acceptance. In my definition, there are three. The first one is the smiling face, the second one is the head nod. And finally, the third one is the neutral face. Neutral face is actually a plain face, the mouth doesn't curve upward nor downward, like my normal face.
I sometimes thought that my smile is a curse burdened by self-opinionated problems in life, starting on the day I got friendzoned by the first. I theorized back then that if I smile, something bad would happen. I would also thought that God doesn't want me to smile. That would go on and on, until a breaking point happened. I was held hostage by my own thoughts, never ever been bothered if the outside information were true. I would characterize it like it's my own version of the fall of the Berlin Wall. It was when I realize of my own slavery to a hideous truth. Her, the second one, the Maldita. When I was with her, I was never happy after the reconciliation of May 17, 2024. I could confirm that it's a one-sided love indeed, whereas I was the only one active in it. Also, at that time, it made me like Freddie Mercury in I Want to Break Free.
"I WANT TO BREAK FREE!", and thus I broke from the chains of lies, and toxicity.
After breaking it off, I realized that I can smile whenever I want to. My parents also loved it when they saw me smile again for the first time in a while.
Smile can be defined differently from other people, especially on their preferences. They sometimes be boastful or prideful and thus a large smile is shown. But smile is not the same for all people. We are affected by the external entropy that happens outside, and also inside within our houses. It can be bent downward, neutral, or upward. Smile and frown might be opposites of each other, but what matters most is how we use them.
I sweep off the scattered crumbs underneath my table and put them in the trash bin.
Sometimes, it's better to clean off things than to leave them dirty. Crumbs might attract individuals that might eventually turn into a crowd or horde, if you know what I mean.
ns216.73.216.67da2
and then Add to home screen.