（1）2025年6月17日 G4
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On the 17th, I saw a girl strip completely in the psychiatric ward…
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（2）2025年6月18日 G4
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On the 18th, due to my eating disorder restrictions, I was denied bathroom access and required to use bedpans. This caused severe distress.
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The current meal protocol—six times a day, forty-five-minute meals plus thirty minutes post-meal supervision feels punitive and exacerbates my anxiety. One-to-one supervision.
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（3）2025年6月19日 G4
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On the 19th… such an anxiety filled day.
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（4）2025年6月20日 G4
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On the 20th, I do not know the current calorie count because I ate a lot.
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If anyone asks me about suicide…
I will say no. Haha, I do not want to die. I love vegetables so much.
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Just as vegetables bind me with hatred, speaking up binds me with lies.
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（5）2025年6月30日 G3
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What the XXXX of a day.
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Today I finally got a pen back… but I only wanted to self-harm on my hand. Haha… I want to cry but I cannot.
Because crying equals emotional instability, which leads to restraint.
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Today my doctor left… ah, I want to die? Do you know??? What the XXXX of XXXX?
So sad today, I cannot express any of it.
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(I do not know what I wrote; I cannot translate it; I cannot even read my own handwriting.)
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How can I get out? Does anyone know? My doctor said I need one month… Help.
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The nurses are unreasonable; they confiscated my diary from the clipboard. XXX
I hope I can leave. Haha. Ah, so irritating.
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I do not understand what danger I pose! My clothes are already different; I cannot borrow anything; nothing is permitted, nothing… then might as well kill me.
They say I require close observation??? WTF.
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（6）2025年7月3日 G3
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Today I wanted to cry again because after eating I had to sit on a specific chair.
After finishing the meal, I must sit for thirty minutes.
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Today I only ate half and stopped.
Normally eating half is acceptable, but that nurse in green uniform would not clear my tray.
I had already sat for ten minutes, so I felt somewhat broken down.
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Later a nurse walked by; I told her, and only then did she take my tray.
It is because of these things that I want to cry normally there is nothing much.
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I need to be discharged quickly; I made plans with BE girl to go to Ocean Park. Haha.
Just now my G4 case nurse came to G3 for handover; before leaving, she came in to chat with me. She is truly gentle.
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She asked me: "What about your medication after discharge?"
I said I would throw them away.
"What about the diary? Your countdown diary."
I started writing from day one: one, two, three, four, like that.
"So discharge means starting over again. Keep going."
I truly love her. Haha.
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Today during visiting hours, my social worker will come to see me.
The doctor said I can leave before the twenty first. Haha. Before my birthday.
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（7）2025年7月4日 21:00
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The psychiatric ward is truly difficult for me.
People keep saying I am a high risk patient red uniform… sigh.
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（8）2025年7月4日 G3 11:08
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Today, haha, vomited blood twice. Also changed beds.
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13:25
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I do not want to discuss home or my mother's matters with CP anymore. Truly irritating; I cannot handle it, yet I must talk.
Every time after talking, I am not happy.
(I scratched my hand during the CP session and was discovered.)
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There are two versions of me:
One wishes to survive,
One wishes to die.
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The doctor asked: "What percentage wishes to die versus survive?"
I said seven to three.
He said seven percent wishes to die, three percent wishes to survive.
I said no.
But he does not believe me, because I entered the ICU the actions I take do not match what I say.
Actually, I truly do not wish to die.
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Everyone is so kind to me. The nurses say things that make me wish to survive, not die.
But the real environment makes me so weary; I do not know how to handle it.
Because I do not even know what these things are I only know it is difficult.
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By the way, now I know what I am doing.
I know it will be difficult, but I will strive to survive and do what I wish to do.
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13:46
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I merely feel it is becoming increasingly difficult.
I truly do not know what happened to me, but… okay…
I am merely afraid I will attempt suicide again OD again, jump again.
I am merely hoping I can survive.
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14:13
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Haha, I had a strange thought out of nowhere:
I wish to find a man to spend my life with not be alone someone I can tell everything to, play together with, never grow bored.
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But honestly, no one can remain with an emotionally unstable person twenty four hours a day; it would only cause both to suffer.
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Haha, this week I have a new doctor, but… today is Friday, and he still has not come to see me.
Ah!!! Shit.
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After meals I still must sit on the chair. I truly… holy shit.
Only after arriving at Psy W did I wish to die. Truly.
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Yesterday my social worker came to see me actually only the second time meeting him but I feel more comfortable texting on WhatsApp.
Otherwise it is truly awkward; he is a male social worker.
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He gave me a choice: if I attempt suicide again, what should he do?
Honestly, if I were a counselor, I would not let them die.
Perhaps he has truly seen too many people die. I do not know.
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Okay, today aside from wishing to cry after seeing CP, there is nothing else.
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（9）2025年7月5日 G3 10:40
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I feel so irritated because after eating I must sit on the chair for thirty minutes.
Sitting while eating… shit.
Is this how ED is treated in hospital? Today I also felt unwell afterward, so I refused breakfast.
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Sigh. Later they installed bed rails on me; they did not allow me to get out of bed.
Wanted to scratch my hand, but did not. Haha.
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Among all the nurses, I dislike only one… yes, she came to speak with me.
She asked me something I do not remember what she said I said Doctor X said after this weekend I would no longer need to sit.
But it has already been two weeks.
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After that I completely broke down; I no longer wished to sit and eat.
But the nurse did not understand me so harsh.
She said so many things. Anyway, I simply do not like her.
I was already very irritated; now even more so. And they will not let me get out of bed "blah blah blah."
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It is precisely because of this sitting chair that I wish to die. Why does no one understand? So exhausted. Shit.
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The doctor said the Red Cross teacher mentioned my memory is worse than before.
The doctor prescribed a new medication for me, saying memory could improve, but I do not know.
Kept switching medications. Honestly, I have already tried all SSRIs, even SNRIs for those over eighteen, but what is the use truly?
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I stopped medication on the tenth; actually two weeks have passed. I was very happy.
Without medication, I personally felt much happier. With medication, I actually felt less happy.
I am hoping I can… I do not even know what I wish to do.
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After taking this medication, I woke up very frequently… only the first night though. Perhaps need to take for another week.
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14:05
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Sigh. I had lunch and sat for thirty minutes—as irritating as this morning but now slightly better.
I know the medication will not work so quickly, but my brain seems to be spinning faster. Yet so exhausted; sleep poorly, keep waking up.
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I still have sixteen days until eighteen. Yeah.
Eighteen… sigh. Always thinking there: I must die before eighteen, or on the day I turn eighteen.
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Actually, if you ask me why, I cannot answer you.
I do not know what is difficult about my life, what I do not want I do not know.
I only know I do not wish to be troubled by anything.
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My life could be good. I chose suicide myself.
Actually, when I went to the ICU, I should not have been saved. I feel I am very lowly.
Also occupied an ICU bed.
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I know many people love me so what?
Okay, nothing.
What I want is companionship.
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Okay, enough for today. Tonight or tomorrow, I will write again. 61Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiDeiusq0sq
and then Add to home screen.