2027 年的夏天來得特別早,也特別毒。50Please respect copyright.PENANACh4O0hawG7
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對於教育界或任何需要在這個季節上班的人來說,「暑假」是一個奢侈的代名詞。它不再代表陽光與海灘,只代表老師需要在一個沒有學生的空殼校園裡,繼續處理堆積如山的行政廢紙。50Please respect copyright.PENANA8viE6Cdauv
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而對於阿初和阿敏這種已經修煉成精的社畜夫婦來說,暑假意味著一年一度的「資產重組與託管危機」。雖然經過連番的生活戰役,家中的長輩們對孩子的教育方針稍有放寬,但嚴厲的慈愛始終要繼續。SOP(標準作業程序)依然是黃家運轉的核心。50Please respect copyright.PENANAmAJlzomgZ6
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為了確保這兩個月不會因為「帶孩子」而導致家庭破產或精神崩潰,阿敏果斷執行了「資產分流」策略。這不是推卸責任,這叫風險對沖與資產暫存。50Please respect copyright.PENANAX9lZhnjSLY
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於是,三隻神獸被精準分流:50Please respect copyright.PENANAiD0WkbE5ee
女兒瑤瑤,智商早熟,主動選擇了跑馬地外公外婆家。那裡有全天候恆溫冷氣和藏書豐富的書房,她只需每天閱讀兩小時,就能換取外公無限量的雪糕供應。50Please respect copyright.PENANAJh5Sy1QAm0
50Please respect copyright.PENANARgTcS5RFwe
細仔阿斗,作為一名對環境零要求的「數碼喪屍」,被送往西灣河爺爺嫲嫲家。只要有冷氣和卡通片,他可以在任何地方存活。50Please respect copyright.PENANAauhM2bhhdb
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至於最棘手的長子軒仔,則被託管到「北角分部」——即師父沈姐的勢力範圍。不過,這次沈姐的「八極託兒所」多了一位新成員:方大雄的 5 歲女兒,晴晴。50Please respect copyright.PENANAbZEDTyW7P8
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對於軒仔來說,這是一個「痛並快樂著」的安排。快樂在於,師父的監管比皇太后(媽咪)稍微有那麼一點點人性化,而且現在有了晴晴妹妹,他作為「大哥哥」的虛榮心得到了極大滿足;痛在於,他每天必須完成阿敏留下的《暑期高效能特訓》,還要被師父抓去天台「鬆筋骨」。50Please respect copyright.PENANAM8QleVXHTA
50Please respect copyright.PENANAewjqtSVYAi
下午三點,北角烈日當空。因為沈姐要去春秧街買餸,所以特意帶軒仔和晴晴來到嘉嘉位於七姊妹道的健身中心分店暫時託管。嘉嘉早已交待員工,無論她在不在場,都要給予方便。此時冷氣開得很足,軒仔和晴晴被暫時「寄存」在接待處。50Please respect copyright.PENANAYcTVWLA5e0
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這是軒仔一天中最期待的「黃金時段」。他熟練地打開平板電腦,利用阿敏設置的「學習模式」中一個微小的系統漏洞——那是他花了三天測試出來的邊界——成功繞過了監管軟件,切換到了 YouTube Shorts。螢幕上播放著那種毫無營養、充滿魔性笑聲的惡搞短片。軒仔戴著耳機,縮在櫃檯後的高腳椅上,爭分奪秒地享受著這偷來的多巴胺。而晴晴則乖巧地坐在旁邊的小凳子上畫畫,偶爾抬頭崇拜地看著軒仔哥哥操作那些「高科技」。50Please respect copyright.PENANAHjf4I2iv64
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但他不知道,今天健身中心來了一位「不速之客」。50Please respect copyright.PENANAm52bRByy7q
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「嘉嘉,其實作為地區聯絡主任,我真係好很關心區內中小企嘅消防隱患。」一把油膩且帶著官腔的聲音在櫃檯前響起。50Please respect copyright.PENANAGoKzSgJUao
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軒仔皺了皺眉,稍稍抬起頭。只見一個穿著淺藍色恤衫、西褲略顯緊繃、頭頂髮量稀疏的中年男人,正半倚在櫃檯邊,試圖用一種自以為瀟灑但實則像條軟皮蛇的姿勢,向正在整理會員資料的嘉嘉搭訕。那正是阿初和阿敏的中七同學,現任東區民政事務處高級聯絡主任,林李康。50Please respect copyright.PENANAPVESFGZmVi
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這段孽緣要追溯到大年初一的那場相親。當時林 Patrick 已經對嘉嘉這塊「肥肉」虎視眈眈,雖然嘉嘉當時借機溜了(甚至利用剛好路過的阿初一家作掩護脫身,而當時林 Patrick 眼裡只有嘉嘉的事業線,完全沒認出路過的舊同學),但他顯然覺得這段「緣份」未盡。50Please respect copyright.PENANAqYishJZafh
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加上上次同學聚會,嘉嘉又因為怕孤獨硬黏著「少女出走組」出席,這讓林 Patrick 那種莫名其妙的自信心再次膨脹,覺得這位富家女 CEO 是對他有意思,從此便像蒼蠅一樣趕之不去。50Please respect copyright.PENANAv2kNsdmxui
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「林生,」嘉嘉保持著職業性的假笑,頭都沒抬,「消防條例我哋跟得很足,上次消防處來查過,全 pass。唔使勞煩你咁高級嘅官員親自來『視察』吧?」50Please respect copyright.PENANANp4da1eUdt
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「哎,公事公辦嘛,但私底下我哋都係老相識……」林 Patrick 不死心,身體愈發往前傾,那隻戴著金錶的手更是藉故在櫃檯上滑動,試圖去觸碰嘉嘉的手背,「而且妳呢度冷氣咁大,咁多穿緊身衣嘅客人做運動,我怕妳……通風系統負荷唔來,想請妳去飲杯咖啡,順便談談區議會個資助計劃……」50Please respect copyright.PENANAxaUj7njuYF
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嘉嘉的眼神冷了下來。她不怕這種男人,但她注意到旁邊的晴晴似乎被林 Patrick 這種侵略性的肢體語言嚇到了,正縮著身子往櫃檯裡面躲。這觸動了嘉嘉的逆鱗。那是大雄託付給她的「優質資產」,是她在公園承諾過要看顧的孩子。50Please respect copyright.PENANA35ixMyXz5t
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「我要看鋪。」嘉嘉不著痕跡地擋在晴晴面前,語氣變得冰冷,「林生,如果無公事,唔好阻礙我做生意。」50Please respect copyright.PENANAteLtcxvfOn
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「唔好咁絕情嘛,其實我一直都留意妳……」林 Patrick 顯然聽不懂人話,或者說,權力的小小膨脹讓他習慣了將別人的拒絕當作欲拒還迎。他轉身想換個姿勢展示他的「官威」,卻沒留意到櫃檯邊緣放著的那部平板電腦。50Please respect copyright.PENANAiIYpBP17nz
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這是一個物理學上的必然。他那因為缺乏運動而略顯肥碩的屁股,隨著轉身一個大迴旋,精準地掃中了平板的支架。50Please respect copyright.PENANAczaTXB3bcA
50Please respect copyright.PENANAFICd46edke
「啪!」平板電腦應聲墜地,正面朝下,發出一聲清脆且令人心碎的玻璃碎裂聲。50Please respect copyright.PENANAOPr5Ivy2Sj
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時間在這一刻彷彿凝固。軒仔整個人僵住了。他不是心痛平板,他是心痛平板上顯示的畫面——那上面還播放著「魔性短片」,而且右下角的計時器無情地顯示著:已觀看 35 分鐘。50Please respect copyright.PENANAgAQrMDJwVL
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如果這部機現在被拿起來,屏幕雖然碎了但只要還亮著,那個「35 分鐘」的罪證就會像烙印一樣刻在他的履歷上。如果被媽咪發現他利用漏洞超時看片……後果不是「藤條炆豬肉」,而是「數碼權限永久剝奪」。那是比死更難受的社死。50Please respect copyright.PENANAU1sOO6f90c
50Please respect copyright.PENANAqkvBOy6TBN
「嘖,點解會有個細路喺度阻住曬?」林 Patrick 看了看地上的平板,不但沒有道歉,反而先發制人,以此掩飾自己的笨拙,「嘉嘉,妳嚟間唔係健身室咩?點解會有細路玩電子產品?咁係違反……違反公眾場所條例……」50Please respect copyright.PENANAbLZ6sRUdPj
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說話間,他的聲音大了點,嚇得旁邊的晴晴「哇」的一聲哭了出來。這一下,同時引爆了兩個火藥桶。嘉嘉的眼神瞬間充滿了殺氣,正準備繞過櫃檯動手。50Please respect copyright.PENANA1SARYrxNA7
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但有人比她更快。50Please respect copyright.PENANAwxoTrTI3QB
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不要碰!軒仔腦海中警鐘大作。絕對不能讓他拿起平板!絕對不能讓那個畫面曝光!這是一種源自生存本能的恐懼。在極度的恐慌中,軒仔忘記了自己只有七歲,忘記了對方是個大人,他的身體比大腦更快做出了反應。50Please respect copyright.PENANAFN1S98RK7D
50Please respect copyright.PENANAyHzd8UOB4N
他從高腳椅上猛地跳下,雙腳落地的瞬間,小小的身體像一張拉滿的弓。沒有揮拳,因為爸爸說過「不打臉」。沒有踢腳,因為師父說過「起腳半邊空」。他只是單純地、帶著捍衛秘密的決心,將重心壓低,左肩向前,整個人像一顆剛出膛的砲彈,撞向了那個正在彎腰、重心不穩的油膩胖子。50Please respect copyright.PENANAFsA3HKryXN
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那是他在天台哭著練了無數次,那是他曾在情緒崩潰時,將那位「胡廸老豆」真實撞飛過一次的動作。50Please respect copyright.PENANAYZH93g6ZOp
八極.貼山靠(兒童恐懼版)。50Please respect copyright.PENANAsGRN2Ep7dl
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「嘭!」一聲悶響。50Please respect copyright.PENANA5axQyB7xsq
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林 Patrick 根本沒料到這個小學雞會突然發難。他正處於彎腰撿東西的絕對失衡狀態,軒仔這一撞,雖然力度遠不及阿初,但勝在角度刁鑽,時機完美,而且帶著一種「不是你死就是我亡」的氣勢。林 Patrick 覺得自己像被一隻發了瘋的小野豬撞中了肚子。50Please respect copyright.PENANAO87V6hIzwO
50Please respect copyright.PENANA5aWpm4kz5O
「哎呀——!」這位高級聯絡主任整個人向後飛出半米,雙腳絆蒜,一屁股跌坐在健身室鋪設的高密度橡膠地墊上,發出羞恥的「噗」一聲。50Please respect copyright.PENANAuNBZ6fYBhO
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平板電腦依然靜靜地躺在地上,屏幕朝下,守住了秘密。但軒仔站在原地,看著倒在地上的大人,小臉煞白。他打人了。他用功夫打了人。而且這個人看起來……很生氣。50Please respect copyright.PENANAIXZj8eR9pS
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「死……死𡃁仔!」林 Patrick 痛得面容扭曲,狼狽地掙扎著想爬起來,公務員的尊嚴碎了一地,「你敢襲擊公職人員?你知唔知我係邊個?我要報警!我要告你傷人!」50Please respect copyright.PENANA0VpTV7O3P0
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軒仔嚇得後退了一步。晴晴哭得更大聲了,跑過去抱住嘉嘉的大腿。50Please respect copyright.PENANAq9VxkzFjdi
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就在這時,健身室的自動玻璃門「叮」的一聲滑開。一股強大的氣場,伴隨著高跟鞋敲擊地面的節奏,瞬間壓制了室內的冷氣。阿敏穿著一身米白色西裝套裝,手裡提著剛買的下午茶外賣,金屬眼鏡後的目光比外面的太陽還要毒辣。她身旁站著剛買餸回來、手裡提著兩袋可疑重物(可能是南瓜)的沈姐。50Please respect copyright.PENANAzMApMjiW9B
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其實阿敏今日下午之所以會出現在北角,並不是因為母愛爆棚,而是因為正在進行「高階摸魚」。名義上是外出見客,實際上是約了閨蜜嘉嘉來個 High Tea,順便「視察」一下託管資產的狀況。50Please respect copyright.PENANAEueNOL4oQY
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「媽咪!」軒仔一見到阿敏,求生本能瞬間爆發。他沒有躲,而是像影帝上身一樣,指著地上的林 Patrick 大叫,「係佢!係佢撞跌我部機!佢整爛我部機呀!佢仲嚇親晴晴妹妹!媽咪你要幫我哋!」50Please respect copyright.PENANAw4829EI2EB
50Please respect copyright.PENANA2cZlNyA8mq
這一招「惡人先告狀」,是他從小學操場上學回來的生存智慧。只要把水攪渾,將對方定義為「壞人」,那自己「平板電腦出現在櫃檯上」這個程序性錯誤,或許就能被掩蓋過去。50Please respect copyright.PENANAJaTf1K2xK3
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「邊個要告我個仔?」阿敏冷冷地開口,目光像掃描儀一樣鎖定在還坐在地上的林 Patrick 身上。林 Patrick 一抬頭,看到那副熟悉的眼鏡,心臟猛地收縮了一下。那是「皇太后」!50Please respect copyright.PENANACtWzaEA9gB
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「陳……陳敏?」林 Patrick 氣勢頓時弱了三分,但隨即想到自己是受害者,馬上又硬氣起來,「妳個仔推我!我係公職人員,佢起我執行職務……」50Please respect copyright.PENANAdas0QzGnAH
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「執行職務?」阿敏冷笑一聲,把外賣遞給旁邊一臉怒容、正在安撫晴晴的嘉嘉,然後拿出手機,打開了錄影模式。50Please respect copyright.PENANA9NKo7mAgTc
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「依家係下晝三點十五分,工作時間。林主任,作為你 Class of 2008 嘅舊同學,我好心提醒你。根據《公務員事務規例》,你依家身處一間私人健身中心,係進行邊一項已審批外勤工作?你有無起呢個櫃檯進行過任何『非公務性質』嘅騷擾行為?」50Please respect copyright.PENANAjG9vweAsX7
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「我……我來視察消防……」林 Patrick 臉色一變。50Please respect copyright.PENANAD1UV3m7eIt
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「咩視察消防呀?」沈姐這時插嘴,她把那袋沉重的南瓜「咚」的一聲放在櫃檯上,震得桌子一跳。她不知道這禿頭男人是什麼職位,她只知道師奶最原始的邏輯:「你幾多歲呀?幾十歲人俾個八歲細路撞一下就跌?只有兩個可能:一係你腎虧腳軟,二係你想屈個細路!你當我師奶唔識嘢呀?無端端個細路會撞你?一定係你蝦細路先!」50Please respect copyright.PENANACa7eoWBMMz
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這記「師奶直覺」的暴擊,比阿敏的法規還要痛。50Please respect copyright.PENANAiTdTMDlgyj
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「我……」林 Patrick 被懟得啞口無言。50Please respect copyright.PENANAxzBGexlqs3
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「仲有,」嘉嘉這時也回過神來,她抱起還在抽泣的晴晴,眼神冷得像冰,「林生,你頭先唔止試圖觸碰我,仲嚇喊我嘅客人。呢度有 CCTV,你係想報警定係想上報公務員事務局?我們可以將片交出去。」50Please respect copyright.PENANADyTC4mTcQ1
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三面夾擊。阿敏的法規審計、沈姐的物理邏輯羞辱、嘉嘉的實證威脅。林 Patrick 坐在地上,額頭上的冷汗比剛才被撞那一下還要多。他看著軒仔那一臉「你死硬啦」的表情,知道自己今天是徹底栽了。50Please respect copyright.PENANAzUCJSZgdVS
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「誤會……都係誤會。」林 Patrick 咬著牙,艱難地從地上爬起來,拍了拍屁股上的灰塵,「我只係……路過,唔小心跣親。」50Please respect copyright.PENANAHegUwzqeZ0
50Please respect copyright.PENANAMAxKG1tSih
「既然係誤會,」阿敏指了指地上碎裂的平板,「部平板電腦係你撞跌,屬於私人財產損壞。折舊後計你二千蚊,你係俾Cash 定係PayMe?」50Please respect copyright.PENANAwBwrXhuUwn
50Please respect copyright.PENANAUz4i412piw
林 Patrick 的臉抽搐了一下。被撞飛還要賠錢?但在阿敏那只放在「撥號鍵」上的手指威脅下,他只能屈服。「Pay……PayMe。」50Please respect copyright.PENANANBZ3Wn994l
50Please respect copyright.PENANAvzqKnTeA2e
三分鐘後,林 Patrick 落荒而逃,連那句「下次再見」都沒敢說。健身室恢復了平靜。軒仔長舒一口氣,覺得自己這場仗打得太漂亮了。壞人被打跑了,平板爛了(死無對證),媽咪還幫他出頭了。50Please respect copyright.PENANAwBrThiLWgl
50Please respect copyright.PENANAGxN2wj47fb
「好,外敵處理完畢。」阿敏收起手機,轉過身,臉上那種對付外敵的冷酷瞬間消失,取而代之的是一種讓軒仔背脊發涼的「核數師微笑」。她彎下腰,撿起地上那部屏幕碎裂的平板電腦。50Please respect copyright.PENANAj184guPnTG
50Please respect copyright.PENANAkZMm8HRoqb
軒仔心裡「咯噔」一下。等等,平板為什麼會在那裡?這個問題他剛才好像……忘記了編藉口。50Please respect copyright.PENANAILVekVZCGy
50Please respect copyright.PENANA3WQLnRIYPO
「依家,我哋來進行內部審計。」阿敏輕輕按了一下電源鍵。屏幕雖然裂成了蜘蛛網,但因為這部機是阿敏特意買的防摔殼版,它頑強地亮了起來。50Please respect copyright.PENANATdd0zBywL0
50Please respect copyright.PENANAHe9cg8Rx7V
YouTube Shorts - 已觀看 35 分鐘。50Please respect copyright.PENANALy4MTpMckc
50Please respect copyright.PENANA8lUUogVwpM
軒仔的笑容凝固在臉上。他忽略了一個最致命的邏輯:如果平板沒有被他在玩,為什麼會出現在櫃檯上被撞跌?50Please respect copyright.PENANAhEbVN7X3RY
50Please respect copyright.PENANAyX9hRumgiz
「黃、子、軒。」阿敏推了推眼鏡,語氣溫柔得像魔鬼,「我哋好似約定過,呢個時間平板應該鎖起書包入面?而且個觀看時間,好似有啲『唔啱數』喔?」50Please respect copyright.PENANAoiCqQXLToF
50Please respect copyright.PENANAIwh3DGFRkF
軒仔絕望地閉上眼睛。他突然覺得,剛才還是讓那個胖子報警把他抓走比較好。至少警察局不用寫檢討書,也不用被沒收 Switch。50Please respect copyright.PENANAgc9KKABoRg
50Please respect copyright.PENANAHk6n6M0OGU
「師父,」阿敏轉頭看向沈姐,「睇來暑期特訓強度仲未夠,佢仲精力練貼山靠。今晚加操半個鐘馬步。」50Please respect copyright.PENANAX7DyeaaQlU
50Please respect copyright.PENANAHvKfgFaIYb
「收到。」沈姐笑瞇瞇地拿起一個南瓜,「放心,我會睇著佢。」50Please respect copyright.PENANAJKPq4iLcvu
50Please respect copyright.PENANAQO9IDUlDkB
那個下午,北角的上空,彷彿迴盪著某個小學生無聲的哀嚎。50Please respect copyright.PENANAOBuS4Kn16R
50Please respect copyright.PENANAQhmjkVWmsM
Step 7:【編劇夥伴吐糟】50Please respect copyright.PENANAW4DnNOl6ZY
「防摔殼」的背叛:軒仔千算萬算,無算到媽咪買嘅防摔殼咁硬淨。本來想借林 Patrick 隻豬手「毀屍滅跡」,點知變咗「保留證據」。呢個轉折真係將「社畜家庭」嘅嚴謹體現得淋漓盡致。50Please respect copyright.PENANAnjzzh08iyi
50Please respect copyright.PENANAo7lMmcsa1l
林 Patrick 的「官威」破產:呢條友真係不知死活。喺中環,阿敏連真正嘅 PE 精英都清過盤,林 Patrick 呢種「高級聯絡主任」喺佢眼入面連一份壞帳都稱唔上。沈姐嗰句「腎虧腳軟」簡直係師奶界嘅八極拳,直取中路。50Please respect copyright.PENANAMfco4WN7JG
50Please respect copyright.PENANAFUHAutFrco
軒仔的「演戲生存」:軒仔指住林 Patrick 告狀嗰幕,完美展示咗咩叫「虎父無犬子」。佢唔止學到爸爸嘅鐵山靠,仲學到媽媽嘅「輿論控制」。可惜,魔高一尺,皇太后高何止一丈。50Please respect copyright.PENANAtQOM5nWssG
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我們都不是英雄
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ISSUE #85
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