Why
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I’ve asked that question my whole life why
Why did you leave
Why did you let them hurt me
Why did you let me cry
Why did you fight with each other all the time
And the most sad one
Why did you let me break
You didn’t care about me until I was in 4th grade
I come I needed to break for our family
And yet they all hate me the rest of them
You think I don’t hear them they talk and talk and talk
But you don’t stop them
Where do you think DMDD comes from TRAUMA thats where
My sisters I am so jealous of them
They got your love all your happiness
What about me
I was left alone to rot alone
Stuck broken hurt and no one cared about me
Why was I the one who had to get hurt I was just a 6 year old I WAS ONLY A KID
And you broke me and hurt me
Man I hurt so bad and you did nothing and when you first started
To be a good mom I thought that day would never come
And you wonder why I don’t trust you with my feeling
It’s because you didn’t listen to me when I needed it and you still haven’t earn that back
I needed you mom
But you didn’t hear me I cried all the time at this point
I’ve cried so much I don’t cry anymore
Why do you think I want hugs from you all the time
Because you didn’t give them to me when I needed them
And when you seem mad I try to help but no you push me away
That’s why I don’t trust you anymore
I was pushed out left out I cried out
But no one heard me mom I love you but It’s hard to tell someone you love
They messed up so I keep my space away from you
I want you in my life but you need to stop pushing me away
Pushing me out I need you in my life but I don’t trust you but I can’t tell that to your face
Because you will cut me off
So I have this note so you can’t cut me off
So you understand how I feel
It’s like I want you in my life but I don’t trust you but whenever I want to bring it up
You are mad or sad or just busy
I feel anger at you at the world
Mainly at myself for not telling you when you were wrong
The scars on my legs they aren’t from me they are from other kids
But when I tried to tell you the first time you pushed me away and
Told me to go away so I lied everytime about how I got hurt
Because I knew you were going to push me away
I was only 6 making this actions
Mom I gave up a lot for my sisters and they blame me
For everything but know this I will never hurt them they way you did me
No one for a long time cared mom I was 6
6 years old and I had a mind of a 37 year old
But I am blamed every time I react I am blamed
But no one is in trouble for setting me off
For all I know someone can hit me and I hit them back and they hit me and I get
Knocked out and I’ll be in trouble
That is what goes through my head mom
I am sorry that you didn’t get the kid you wanted
But I am here now and …. It’s not my fault
That I am not your ideal kid
I guess that makes me bad but I just don’t trust you
Maybe if you wouldn’t push me away I would
But I don’t because of how you treated me before mom
I want you in my life I really do but you need to understand
I am my only human that you can’t control me all the time but that's not my fault
I want to have a happy family one where we aren’t always yelling at each other
And screaming and fighting over the dumbest things
And I know I am not the only one who wants that
You can hate me after this note but know that doesn’t make what I said any less true
But I am not saying we don’t have good times
Like when go places and laugh and smile
Sure not all of it is real but parts are
And I know we aren’t all bad
Yes I know I do bad things but I try like you are trying now even if you don’t understand
Me but you also did bad things and you try but we are human
We all make mistakes all do bad things and break down
But we shouldn’t blame each other by yelling and screaming
I know I am not the best but you are not the best either but we both try
But I want a new start with you a chance to turn the page blank try again
Yeah it’s hard to forget the past
But I don’t think the past defies us as humans
All I need is for you to understand me better
To listen to not yell when I mess up
Because I keep having this dream
Where we are a happy family laughing not yelling sure a little disagreement
But we are happy and we know that we make mistakes but we don’t hold to against us
A fresh start
That is all I ask is a new start me and you
We don’t have to be this way
And I am not asking for perfect I am asking for a sense of belonging and happiness
And Love I need you in my life someone I can look up too
I want that to be you
Someone to stay and I just wanted to say maybe we can be normal
Instead of yelling
Us that sounds good maybe we can improve our relationship
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