《大话仙凡·贺岁工程纪要》

作者：剧本粉碎机
类型：魔幻现实主义 / 贺岁喜剧 / 华人神话 / 治愈日常

你的新年怎么过？

是塞在南北大道上怀疑人生，被七大姑八大姨连环夺命拷问“几时结婚/花红多少”，还是躺在沙发上无聊地滑手机，感叹现在的年味一年不如一年？

来看看槟城大山脚老李家的新年吧。这里的年味不仅没有淡，还……有点费命。

老李，一个背着房贷车贷、兜里只剩RM18.50的大马普通阿伯。他今年的唯一心愿，就是平平安安吃口年夜饭，然后睡个午觉。 结果万万没想到，今年大马华人拜神的愿力实在太狂野，硬生生把天庭的“时空路由器”给烧穿了！

从腊月廿三到正月十五，老李家那栋窄小的排屋，被迫沦为了三界春运的“跨次元中转站”。原本只存在于神话传说和历史书里的大佬们，像系统Bug一样接二连三地砸进老李家的车房和客厅，彻底粉碎了他平凡的退休生活。

当高维度的神仙法力，撞上大马Auntie无懈可击的世俗常识；当古典神话体系，被迫接受现代职场和人类物价的降维打击。老李一家该如何用最接地气的草根智慧，硬刚这场跨次元的贺岁灾难？

这不仅是一部脑洞大开的《大马春节硬核生存指南》，更是一封写给所有在生活里咬牙死撑、却依然热爱人间烟火的普通人的温暖情书。

不管你现在是塞在回乡的车龙里，还是已经坐在冰冷的工位上苦逼开工，翻开这本书，再过一次最热闹、最荒唐、也最温暖的年。

Heng Ah，Ong Ah，Huat Ah！

⚠️ 阅读前注意事项（请认真阅读）：

• 阅读本书时请勿同时进行以下操作：喝水、敷面膜、路过马路、驾驶Myvi穿越亚依淡小巷。
• 如遇陌生访客敲门，请先确认对方是否持有合法的天庭通行证，以及是否随身携带无人机和镭射探照灯。
• 如发现客厅里多了一位穿铠甲的陌生人，请不要惊慌。先问他吃不吃汤圆。

⚖️法律免责声明与版权警告：

关于内容纯属虚构：

本书内容纯属虚构。所有出场人物——包括但不限于背着KPI下凡的神仙、自带口音的历史人物、热衷大局观的大马邻居、大沟渠里的四脚蛇，以及某头坚决拒绝打卡上班的野生流浪猪——均为艺术创作。如有雷同，请立刻检查你家天花板有没有跨次元裂缝。

关于财产损失：

因跨次元神仙造访而导致的白钢铁门不明凹陷、马桶无故蒸发、车房地砖穿孔、Myvi前保险杠之非自然脱落，以及各类居家硬件的物理毁灭——本书作者概不负责。鉴于大马保险公司目前尚未推出“跨次元神仙神灾险”，如有战损，请自行用黑色胶布强行固定（俗称轻量化改装）。

关于精神损失：

因阅读本书产生的以下症状，属正常反应，不构成索赔依据：对亲戚的催婚拷问突然免疫、开始对楼上邻居的脚步声高度警惕、半夜无故清点家里的Tupperware是否缺盖子、以及听见“Huat Ah”就产生强烈的进食冲动。

关于版权保护：

本书所有原创设定——包括但不限于“天庭末位淘汰KPI体系”、“南香币对天元宝汇率崩盘”、“大马Auntie的绝对领域防御盾”，以及“基于大马本土生态的物理降维打击”——均受著作权法保护。任何未经授权的抄袭、洗稿、或用于训练AI模型的行为，将触发关老爷的“反向IP物理溯源斩”。顺网线发货，一旦签收，概不退换。

最终条款：

阅读本书即视为同意以上全部条款，并自愿承担因此产生的一切心理冲击、时间损失，以及对大马年夜饭毫无来由的强烈思念。

不同意？太迟了，你已经看完了。

Gods & Mortals: A Lunar New Year Project Debrief

Author: Script Shredder
Genre: Magical Realism / Festive Comedy / Chinese Mythology / Healing Slice-of-Life

How exactly do you spend your Lunar New Year?

Are you stuck in a soul-crushing traffic jam on the highway, dodging your relatives’ deadly interrogations about your salary and relationship status? Or are you just doomscrolling on the couch, feeling like the festive spirit is completely dead?

Well, take a look at Old Lee’s house in Bukit Mertajam. The festive spirit here isn’t just alive; it’s practically a survival hazard.

Old Lee is an average Malaysian uncle drowning in mortgages, with a grand total of RM18.50 in his pocket. His only holiday wish is to eat his reunion dinner in peace and take a long nap. Unfortunately, the sheer, overpowered devotion of Malaysian worshippers this year completely blew out the Heavenly "Space-Time Router."

Overnight, his cramped terrace house is forcibly drafted as the ultimate cross-dimensional transit hub for the celestial spring rush. From the week before CNY straight to the Lantern Festival, mythical figures and historical legends suddenly start crashing into his living room and driveway like system glitches, turning his ordinary life upside down.

Watch what happens when high-dimensional magic collides with the ruthless, everyday logic of a Malaysian Auntie. Can Old Lee’s family use their grassroots street smarts to survive this cross-dimensional holiday disaster?

This isn’t just an absurd, laugh-out-loud comedy; it’s a heartwarming love letter to ordinary folks just trying to survive the holidays, pay off their debts, and find sweetness in the messiness of everyday life.

Whether you’re stuck in traffic or heading back to your freezing office cubicle, open this book and experience the most chaotic, hilarious, and warmest Lunar New Year ever.

Heng Ah, Ong Ah, Huat Ah!

⚠️ Pre-Reading Safety Notice (Please Read Carefully):

• Do not read while simultaneously: drinking water, wearing a face mask, driving a Myvi through the back lanes of Ayer Itam, or waiting for a table at a Mamak.
• If someone knocks on your door, verify whether they hold a valid Heavenly Transit Pass before opening. Check for accompanying unmanned aerial vehicles.
• If you find an unfamiliar figure in full armour sitting in your living room, do not panic. Offer them tang yuan first. Ask questions later.

⚖️ Legal Disclaimer:

General Disclaimer:

The contents of this book are purely fictitious. All characters—including but not limited to KPI-driven deities, historical figures with specific accents, nosy Malaysian neighbors, the Biawak in the Longkang, and a certain wild pig highly resistant to corporate employment—are products of artistic creation. Any resemblance to actual persons or immortals is purely coincidental. If your life actually resembles this book, please check your ceiling for cross-dimensional rifts immediately.

Regarding Property Damage:

The author assumes no responsibility for any inexplicable dents in your RM8888 stainless steel gate, evaporating toilet bowls, shattered driveway tiles, unnatural detachment of Myvi bumpers, or the physical annihilation of household hardware caused by visiting cross-dimensional deities. Since Malaysian insurance companies do not yet cover "Acts of Cross-Dimensional Gods," please repair any battle damage yourself using black duct tape (a.k.a. lightweight modification).

Regarding Emotional Distress:

The following symptoms induced by reading this book are normal reactions and do not constitute grounds for compensation claims: sudden immunity to relatives' marriage interrogations, hyper-vigilance toward upstairs neighbors' footsteps, inexplicably counting your Tupperware lids at midnight, and an uncontrollable urge to Lou Sang whenever you hear "Huat Ah!"

Regarding Copyright:

All original concepts in this book—including but not limited to the "Heavenly KPI Elimination System," the "Joss Paper to Heavenly Ingot Exchange Rate Crash," the "Absolute Territory Defense of a Malaysian Auntie," and "Localized Physical Downgrade Attacks"—are protected by copyright laws. Any unauthorized reproduction, plagiarism, or feeding this text to AI training models will trigger Lord Guan’s "Reverse-IP Physical Tracing Slash." Delivered straight through your Ethernet cable; no refunds upon receipt.

Final Clauses:

By reading this book, you are deemed to have agreed to all the above terms and voluntarily assume all resulting psychological impacts, loss of time, and unprovoked, intense cravings for a Malaysian reunion dinner.

Disagree? Too late, you've already read it.