I got a social media memory about you today.
A memory fifteen years old.
It slid down my consciousness. An ache like the stump of a lost limb.
“Hope you get better! Love you forever!”
The way my gut twisted. The way it twists still.
Forever was meant to be stronger than this. We were meant to be back-to-back, swords in hand. Defending each other from every nightmare that came at us.
But we didn’t. You. Didn’t.
It wasn’t some dramatic ending of screaming and angry accusations. We’d had plenty of those. No. It was the side eyes you flashed at me. It was the whispers from others that climbed under your pants and bit into your flesh.
You turned down streets I couldn’t even learn the names of. You chose choices I couldn’t entertain. You refused to stay in any lane I could travel down.
And the whispers only grew. And you put a microphone under voices that should’ve been smothered. You believed them. That you were dark and horrible and mean. You listened to who they said you would become. You wrote down their words like a prophecy and I didn’t know how to stop you.
For every good word of mine, five bad dropped into your lap.
Why are you friends with her? She is no good. She is holding you back. You don’t deserve her.
Forever.
Forever I am left wondering where you wandered to. You were my childhood. You were my wonder. You were the first person to pick me first. To love me.
I would’ve died for you if you had let me. But I cannot be anything but my nature. The sun cannot melt into shadow. The older we got, the worst my light laid bare your mistakes. Your desperation. Your anger. Your explosive desire to be acknowledged. I so wanted to be your moon. To be someone you came back to.
You stepped back into the shadows you believed you deserved. And my cursed light. My stupid, guiding light only pushed you further in.
You don’t want to be compared to me anymore. You don’t want to be near me anymore.
You loved me. Do you love me still? Even just a glimpse of love. Like light through a keyhole.
Are you doing better? Are you doing what you love? Are you moving through life unburdened?
I used to message you once a year. But you hated that. You don’t want to be reminded of who you never could be. You were never meant to be my nemesis or my rival. I never wanted that. I only ever wanted you.
I’m sorry. I never wanted that for you. I wanted to live in our pocket of childhood forever. You are one of my genie wishes. You are my favourite colour. I see your face in my dreams. Ten years later. I forget the sound of your voice. And it haunts me, my heart keening. A wail so raw my spirit doesn’t know whether to comfort or join in.
You are the face I see at dusk. A living ghost of someone who I could never keep forever.
You know. I would’ve chosen you no matter how much you hurt me. No matter how many times you turned and ran me through with a sword you swore would protect me.
I miss you. My rose. Beauty covered in blood tipped thorns. Sometimes mine. Mostly yours.
I loved you. I love you still. Forever.
Moon.
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