I’ve always known this day would come. It was inevitable, really. I fought it with all my might. It wasn’t much of a fight though, I knew I was going to lose one day. The feelings rushed over me like a wave and I almost drowned from the intensity. My family and friends told me - warned me - it would happen. They teased me about it for years, ever since I met you. They said I could never just be friends with you, I was bound to feel something sooner or later. I told them they were silly, we were just friends after all. You were my best friend in the whole wide world but no matter what, I wasn’t going to fall in love with you. Now look at me now, all miserable and full of love for my best friend.
It started when we were up on our hill that last day of summer holidays. I had bought us ice cream and we sat on the bench looking out on the kids playing by the swings. It was a usual day, nothing special. I bet you don’t even remember it, but I do. You laughed at something I’d said and I looked at you. Just like that, I fell for you. There was nothing special with it at all, just a normal day like any other, but I fell for you at that moment. A melting ice cream in your hand and that wonderful smile pasted on your lips. I remember I wanted to press my lips against yours and see if they would taste as sweet as the ice cream. When we said goodbye that day I didn’t want to let you go. Somehow I imagined that the moment we had would end forever and never come back, even though nothing had changed for you. When I got home, I told myself I had imagined the whole thing. It must have been the heat that made me imagine crazy things like that.
Although days turned to weeks, that day on the hill stayed in my mind and wouldn’t go away. I couldn’t forget those lips and how they made me feel all warm and giddy inside. When we met I was shy and awkward and when I wasn’t with you I couldn’t focus. I wrote your name in my notebooks when I was supposed to study. I dreamt of a future together, one where we were girlfriend and boyfriend. I took every opportunity to touch you, even if it was just holding your hand or touch your shoulder when we joked around. Somewhere along the road I started to suspect that this was more than a small crush.
This was when you sent me that text. Do you remember? The one where you were serious (which is very unusual for you) and told me you had to meet me to talk about something. I was very nervous before you came. What if you had noticed the way I was behaving and wanted to tell me you felt the same? Or what if you asked me to stop because you’d never feel the same? I didn’t have to worry though because nothing I would have thought came close to what you really had to say. Now that I look back at it, I would have preferred you to tell me you didn’t love me back - at least that would have hurt me less. When you rang the doorbell that day I was practically bouncing downstairs to open the door. You weren’t alone. A girl was standing next to you, the girl you had been talking about a lot of times when we met up to study together. I hadn’t thought much of it, I thought she was just another of your friends. I couldn’t have been more wrong. It was hard for me to keep the smile on my face when you told me you loved each other, that you were together.
It had always been just you and me, now it was you and her with me on the side. I was the third wheel. Although I was still your best friend, you always had to check with her if we were going to do anything. You talked about her constantly, asking me for advice. I helped buying her first birthday present. I helped you pick out which restaurant to go to on valentines with her. I helped you when you moved in with her. I was always there, by your side. A good friend, no, I was your best friend. Though inside I was slowly breaking down. We always told each other everything. You told me of your first kiss with her. How much you loved her. Everything made sense when you were with her, you said. You constantly asked me why I didn’t have a boyfriend. I was so pretty, I was so wonderful, I was so funny and nice. Why didn’t I have a boyfriend already? You tried to hook me up with boys but it never went further than a date or two before I stopped seeing them. I think you realized it wasn’t working because you stopped trying after a while.
Then there was a change. Before you always told me everything, now you started to hide things. You would talk to her more than you talked to me. Whenever we did meet you would look at your phone and text her instead. You felt distant. I started to wish I had told you I loved you, that day on the hill. At least then you would have known just how much you hurt me. You stopped calling me in the evenings like you always did before we went to sleep. I guess you called her instead. You stopped coming over to just hang out. I guess you went to her. After a while I stopped staring at my phone, waiting for your calls. I gave up trying to wish you would come back to me. I was replaced by that girl, there wasn’t room in your life for both of us.
The next time you called me, you were crying. You had broken up with her after seeing her cheat on you with another guy. You were devastated, asking if you could come over and talk about it. I should have been cold towards you, I should have at least been angry at you for calling me after ignoring me for so long - but I couldn’t. I didn’t hesitate one moment before I said yes, come on over. You hugged me tight when I opened the door and I let you hold me while I told you everything would be alright. I hated her for making you feel that way. I didn’t like it when you had cared more for her than me, but I didn’t want you like this either. You said I was a great friend and that you were really sorry for what had happened between us when you had been with her. I said it was okay, that you didn’t need to worry about that. For the first time since that day on the hill, I was holding you without trying anything. I didn’t feel any love for you like I usually did, I didn’t feel any butterflies in my stomach. I just held you and let you cry out all the pain. I think I was just glad that even though we had grown apart for a while, you came back to me and you needed me again. You stayed over that night. I watched you sleeping next to me and didn’t dare to touch you in case you would wake up from my touch. You looked so calm and secure as you slept next to me, just like you used to do when we were younger. “I love you”, I whispered before I too fell asleep.
You moved in with me shortly after that. It would be like a really long sleepover, you said while laughing as we carried your stuff into my apartment. I smiled a weak smile. Although I was happy we were best friends again I wondered how long I could survive with being just that. Who knew that there would be such a pain from being in love with someone who doesn’t love you back? To everyday wake up to the smell of coffee and join you at the breakfast table or cuddle up next to you in the couch as we watched a movie together. It was a bittersweet feeling. One second I was happy and told myself that loving you just meant we were really great friends; the other I was crying from the pain of never truly being able to be close to you the way I wanted. I knew it was just a matter of time before you would go out and start dating again. Our moments together were limited.
Then one day it happened. We were sitting on the couch like always, it was our new tradition. You turned to me and asked if maybe we could go out tonight for a change. You said it was time to try to get over her for real and meet other girls. I nodded and smiled at you. Of course we could go out instead, just wait a second and I’ll go grab my coat. We went to a new club that we none of us had been before because you didn’t dare to bump into her again, or risk being reminded of her. I expected you to run off to the dancefloor like you usually did but you turned to me and motioned for me to follow you to the bar. We bought a couple of drinks and I started to get really dizzy. Then you dragged me to the dancefloor and we danced. I remember that night, I laughed so much. Someone stumbled into me from behind and I grabbed onto you to not fall. Our eyes met and I saw something change in your eyes as you saw me for real. Before I knew it, you were leaning in and our lips met. I had been right all those years ago when I had imagined our first kiss, it was very sweet. What I hadn’t imagined though was that I would kiss you again, and that you would kiss me back. We stumbled back home together, stopping now and then just to share another kiss, another touch. I fell asleep in your arms that night and I remember realizing I never had told you I loved you. It was okay though, I would have a lot of time to tell you in the morning.
When I woke up in the morning you were not in the bed. There was no smell of coffee and you weren’t at the table when I came out from the bedroom. You were nowhere to be found in the apartment and I started to panic. I guess I thought that you had realized what a big mistake yesterday had been and decided you wanted to get away from me. My phone rang at that moment and I looked at the caller id. It was you. When I answered the phone however, my blood ran cold. It wasn’t your voice I was met with, it was someone elses. They had found you inside your car; what was left of it anyway. You had been in a car accident and they had called the last number you had called, which was mine. They told me you hadn’t felt any pain, that the accident had been sudden and quick. You weren’t dead, no. You were in a coma, but they told me it was very unlikely you would ever wake up again. They went through the details about what this would mean in practice but I stopped listening after that. I had already grabbed my own car keys and was out the door.
Seeing you lying in the hospital bed was almost too much to bear. It looked like you were sleeping peacefully, like I could just reach out and shake you gently and you would open your eyes and smile at me. Though I wasn’t fooled. They had prepped you with all kinds of needles and tubes and several monitors were stationed by the bed, proving that you were not just sleeping. I stayed at the hospital by your side until the staff made me leave. I didn’t want to leave you; what if you woke up while I was away? You would be scared and alone and I wanted to be there for you, just like I had that day when you cried in my arms.
It was only when I came back home that I noticed your note that was placed on the bed. I must have been too sure you were waiting for me in the kitchen that I missed it the first time. “I’m out buying breakfast for us, I thought you might like that. You can just stay in bed, I’ll be back soon. I love you.” I thought I didn’t have any more tears to cry but I was wrong. I held your note close to my heart and I cried and cried and cried. Why did you have to write it to me? Why couldn’t you have waited for me to wake up to tell me? Why did you have to buy breakfast for us? I would have been perfectly happy to wake up with you next to me and eating breakfast like we usually did. Heck, I would have been happy with anything other than the current situation.
So here I am, crying on my bed. I force myself out of bed to visit you everyday. I sit next to you for hours and tell you about silly things that doesn’t matter, just like we used to do when you were here. Sometimes I can pretend, if even for a few seconds, that everything is alright and you will wake up any moment. You never wake up. I leave when the nurses tell me to, because at that time of the day I’ve given up hope that you will wake up. I come home to an empty apartment and sleep in an empty bed. I still sleep with your note next to me. I have this belief that maybe if I do that there will be a morning when I will wake up and you will come through that door with newly bought breakfast for us and a smile on your face. It never happens.
My family worry about me. I barely eat anything now. I have no will to do anything. You’re gone. Why would I want to live without you? They tell me to live on. To stop visiting you. You will never wake up again. They tell me it’s best to pull the plug on you. To end your pointless struggle. To give up on you. I can’t do that. That would be admitting that you’re gone. Forever. Forever is a long time. I can’t handle forever without you.
I miss you so much. Sometimes I whisper it out loud. That I miss you. That I love you. Come back to me. I know you can’t hear me. My heart believes anyway. That somehow you’ll hear. My heart will carry the words to you. No matter what the doctors tell me, you will hear. Please.
My mother is with me this time when I visit you. She tells me it’s time to let you go. I’m crying again, it seems I do nothing else. I hold your hand the whole time and I wish with all my heart that you will wake up before they stop your heart forever. I imagine that day on the hill again, when everything was so easy. I remember that boy that sat next to me, laughing and eating an ice cream. When your heart stops beating and your lungs stop working I’m still there, seeing the young boy I fell in love with so many years ago. In my imagination, I do what I never got to do in real life. I tell you I love you. You smile back at me and say what I never got to hear you say: That you love me back.
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