That day you had shared candy with me, that day I had taught you how to play the guitar. I had left when the sun had begun the rise.
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Do you remember, Angel?
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I remember that night too well. It was one of those moments that I played and replayed, wondering what I could have done differently to keep our bubble intact.
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You had blushed furiously, that day when I tucked your hair behind your ear and told you your eyes looked like candy made by stars. I was being as serious as one could be. “Naia, you shouldn’t joke about things like that.” you had told me, pushing my hand away and fanning your face. “I'm serious though?” I had told you laughing at your reaction.
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So adorable. So loveable.
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How could someone like you be real?
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I had found myself asking that in my mind many times that night. We had talked for a while on your couch. About the most random things as usual before we were interrupted by your stomach announcing its hunger.
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“Want me to make you something?” I had asked you after I was done laughing.
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“You can cook?” you had asked, forgetting all about the pillow in your hands that you were about to swing in my face. “I'm sure I can make something simple. What do you have at home?” I had asked you.
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You had shrugged, saying your cousin sometimes stopped by to make you food. Five days a week a cook came by. Most weekends you would go back to your fathers hometown, so you didn't need anything then.
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“But you're here today?” I had spoken my thoughts out aloud. It was a Saturday night. A very irrational part of my brain had sung out, trying to convince me you had stayed back for me. I had shut it up pretty fast.
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“That,” you had turned away from me, "I have my reasons.”
“So mysterious. Angel has a secret life huh?”
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“Stop teasing me already.” you had huffed in annoyance.
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I had chuckled, “Alright, I’ll go check your kitchen for some groceries and see what I can do for you.”
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You had followed me into your kitchen. I had opened every cabinet and drawer I could find there. Every shelf. There wasn't a speck of dust anywhere. There was nothing else either.
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It was empty.
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“It has been a while since my cousin came over,” you confessed, “the cook must have cleared everything the last week she came.”
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“What do we do now? You stomach honestly sounds like it is going to eat me next if we dont find-”
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You had reached out in front of you to grab my sleeve, pull me closer to you, and smack my arm.
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“How about pizza, angel?”
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You stopped midway from yelling at me for annoying you too much. Your eyes had lit up, telling me I had scored lucky by offering pizza.
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“That doesn't sound like a bad idea.” you had tucked your hair behind your ears. I had put a hand on my chest again to calm my heart down, “I’ll call them right away then.”
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You had ordered a margarita and I ordered the same for myself.
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The pizza had reached your place within ten minutes, and we had put down a mat you had in the back of a storage closet, on your wide terrace.
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Opening some lychee juice bottles, which I must confess angel, is a horrible combination. I have absolutely no idea how you have them together.
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We had finished the pizza, sitting under the dark night sky. There were barely any stars, your eyes had stolen all of them, I had unconsciously mumbled. Then I had smacked myself mentally for saying something so cringe. I wasn't sure if you had heard that. I had hoped you hadn't.
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“You know naia?”
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“Tell me angel.”
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You were leaning back on your arms, your head tilted back. Your long white strands falling in a perfect tousle. “I have heard that song you sang to me today before.”
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“I can't help falling in love with you?” I had blushed even uttering those words to you, despite it not being meant that way. Maybe one of these days I could tell you I loved your smile. I would tell you that your laugh felt like sticking your head out of a moving car and feeling the wind rippling past you. It felt so akin to raw joy, I would tell you that it scared me. That I wanted to see it all the time.
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“Not that!” you had said, your cheeks turning more pink by the passing seconds, “The other one, the one about going out on a boat to catch stars.”
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My heart had stopped. And this time it wasn't because of your smile or your laugh.
You went on, “I think I was at the talent contest?” you had said.
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“Me and my cousin, you know Mia, had gone to see him. He was begging us to come and meet his new friends, but back then I had been too shy.”
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You had sat up, bundled your hair with both your hands while tilting your head to the side, bringing most of it over your right shoulder. You had begun fiddling with the ends of your hair, "I had this complex when I was younger about my condition. I'm fine now though,” you had waved both your hands in the air.
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Silence stretched for a few moments, where I didn't realise what exactly you had just said. “Someone you know, sang that song?”
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“Can I tell you something?” you had asked without skipping a beat. “But it might ruin the mood though.” Your voice for the first time sounded meek, unsure. “Yeah.” I had told you, “the mood can't possibly be ruined with you around.” that earned me a smack to my arm.
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Silence again, where I had wondered what exactly you were going to confess. Did you get a boyfriend? Crush? I had to be happy for you, despite not feeling that way on the inside. Could I do that? It didn't matter if I could or couldn't, you deserved people to be happy for your happiness. Someone you know sang that song?
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“I think it's been a little longer than a year, but yeah,” you had taken a deep breath, the breeze running through your strands and pushing it out of your face, “I lost my cousin almost a year ago.”
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“I'm so sorry, angel. That's terrible.” I had said, feeling a foreign emotion bloom in me. So you knew what it felt like? What losing someone you loved did to you? You had felt what I felt? Were you still feeling that?
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Somehow imagining you go through what I had gone through, what I had put myself through the past year and a half made pain drown out that foreign feeling. It pained me to know you might have gone through that. Irrationally, I was angry at myself for not being there for you earlier.
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“No it's fine,” you had chuckled weakly, “I’m better now but I had been such a wreck back then. I didn't know.”
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I couldn't help but think about him. That was what I had told myself so many times back then.
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It's not my fault. I didn't know.
I didn't know.
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“Mia told me two weeks after his funeral. I had no idea. The three of us had been pretty close as kids.”
Another shaky breath, “His family went through a lot. He had a difficult mother. He was really quiet all the time at family gatherings. Mia had introduced me to him for the first time. We had been friends for a bit when we were kids. Before his family had basically been boycotted from the main house.” You had hugged your knees, leaning your head on your knees.
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“I had always thought he had a nice voice.” you had said, your voice hollowing out, “he had sung this song at a talent contest. When we were still friends he had begged me and Mia to come along and meet his new friends. They had started a band that summer, and he was obsessed. Always talking about flying away with his friends.”
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Flying away?
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“What?”
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“Yeah I know. I had lost it a bit after I found out. Grandmother didn't even tell us what had actually happened. Mia herself found out after his funeral was over. She told me it was an accident. And that he died peacefully.”
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A humorless laugh had left your lips, "I hadn't spoken to him in almost six years, I think. I don't know why it has affected me so much. But it took me a while to get better. Longer than I thought it would take. And, meeting you kind of helped.”
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I had begun cursing the skies. How dare they play with me like this. There had to be a limit. There had to be a line even the heavens could not cross. A tear had rolled down my cheek. I had cried in rage, in fear, I wasn't very sure. I wasn't really sure of anything then. My eyes burning with prayers unanswered. I didn't want it to be so. I wanted you to be far far away from my past. I didn't want you to ever know I was capable of something like this. I didn't want to be the reason.
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I wanted to die.
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So I had prayed, please don't be him.
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But I suppose I was born under an unlucky star.
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I had choked out, “What was his name?”
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Another tear had rolled down. My chest squeezing inwards with dread, making it difficult for me to even gasp in pain. My mind that had been blaring warning bells had finally shut up. A faint unending noise seemed to be coming from inside my head instead. It began ringing in my head, filling it with noise even your smile couldn't wipe out. So loud it seemed to be ringing above the drum of my heart.
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What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I done? What have I-
“He had a unique name. Even as kids I had found it funny.” you had told me,
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“Arlo. His name was Arlo.”
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Arlo.
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You knew Arlo.
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You knew him.
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and then Add to home screen.