Three days went by just like that. I couldn't really tell when the day merged into night. I couldn't quite make out the difference between anything as time simply crawled by. I seemed to be working on clockwork. A doll, winded from the back with a key, to keep moving. So I had done just that.
I kept moving.
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If I had seen the boys rarely in the apartment, I basically never saw them now. I only ever heard them walk into the house very late at night at times. At times I'd come back home to find the doors to their rooms open, I'd know they had come by.
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I think I had skipped a lot of meals then. I'm not sure. My memory of that time is very hazy.
Like I was floating in this weird dream, any minute then I would wake up, and feel more alive.
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I find it very funny, this whole idea of me constantly wishing life was a nightmare, because then all I had to do was wake up and it would go away.
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I wonder if you find me ridiculous too.
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I doubt you would, I'm sure you’re frowning over the paper right now, wondering why I would feel that way. How I could let myself believe such a thing. Now you're probably wondering how I know you so well.
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It would be incredibly embarrassing if I couldn’t guess how my favorite person in the whole world would react to studpid shit I say.
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I think the random thoughts of you that floated by, as I looked at things that reminded me of you, helped. Occasionally I would remember the boys, sometimes they would remind me they exist.
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Liam had cooked pasta and left it on our dining table a day after the fight. A note in his unmistakable scrawl reading ‘eat before it gets cold N’. I had a fresh quilt on my bed on the third day, I'm sure Casey had done that.
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It was getting terribly cold, now that the seasons were shifting.
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I remember finding myself in that park. I hadn't been able to remember how I got there, or what exactly I was planning to do there. But after putting a round or two of the park’s walking track I found myself realizing I was there.
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The park near his studio, our old studio.
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His favorite place to hang out.
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I realised this, and kept walking.
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Because here's the thing about grief, I think I've realised, it hurts.
Every reminder of him hurts. It hurts and it bleeds and it makes you want to run away.
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But you go closer and grip that reminder of him with both your hands anyway, despite all the hurt and blood. Somehow even that painful memory of them feels like home. So you hold on with a tighter grip. Blood, pain and all.
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That was what my walk in that park was, I suspect. I think I wanted to at least relive our memories of that place in my mind. I perhaps had missed what we had so much that I had unconsciously dragged myself over there on a Saturday night.
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I was sitting on his favorite bench. The one that overlooked the large lake. It had a tree towering over it on the right, so even on sweltering afternoons there would be a blanket of cool shade covering the bench.
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I had gotten a call then, your call.
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I swear the more time I spent beside you, the harder it got for me to convince myself that you weren't my ticket to happiness.
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I suppose putting it like that sounds a bit odd.
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“Hello? Naia?”
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“Angel! What's up?”
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A small pause, “Are you busy?”
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Not at all, I had said. The train of memories I had been replaying had immediately run out of my mind the second I heard you say my name. The carts falling apart and derailing. I was more curious as to why you had called to care about that though.
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“I’m bored,” you had sighed, and I had put your call on speaker. Having your voice that close to my ear was a bit flustering. “Do you think you could drop by my place? If you want, of course. I still need to hear you play your song.” you had chuckled, almost like you were trying to seem convincing, “You know, if you still remember and want to. Or like we could hang out somewhere else-”
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Salvation.
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“No, I mean your place is perfect. Of course I'll play you a song. Could you give me, like,” I had quickly looked up the fastest route to your place and found myself farther away than I had liked. The subway would take an hour and half. I'd have to give up my pocket money for the month if I hauled a cab, but I would get there in half an hour.
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“Half an hour? Give thirty minutes and I'll be there.”
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You kept asking me if I was sure I wasn't busy, I kept laughing and reminding you you were the prodigy, that I was just walking around my place cause I was bored. I had told you that I was glad you had called me.
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That was an understatement.
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I was ecstatic that you had called me.
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I hauled myself a cab and drove down to your place.
You opened the door, wearing the most adorable pink and purple pjs and slippers that looked like balls of fur stuck to your feet.
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I'm pretty sure my heart stopped for a moment then, not being able to handle the sight.
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“You came!”
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You called.
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“Sure I did.” I had followed you into your place and put my guitar that I had been carrying around since after my classes.
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It was a wonderful coincidence that I had to take it to class that day. I asked you if you were ready to be serenaded after a few minutes of banter between us, you had laughed.
“Yes, my lady. You may serenade me now.” you had said, trying to hold back your laughter at how silly it was.
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I was trying to stop smiling too.
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I tuned my guitar for a few moments. Picking at the strings, trying to warm myself up.
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I wasn't exactly nervous to be singing in front of you. I just wanted you to think it was cool. Or maybe sweet enough for you.
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And so I strummed out the songs, my fingers pressing into cords, my pick pulling at the strings. I had made sure that I didn't strum with too much intensity, so the sounds wouldn't be too loud or sharp for you.
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Then I began singing. And you had looked so surprised and taken by the song all at once that I had almost laughed.
I had found it amusing.
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As I ended the song, slowing the notes towards the end, you beamed at me. Clapping. Praising. Telling me it sounded wonderful. That you liked the huskiness in my voice that came out as I sang. That you thought my guitar playing was so cool.
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I was probably beet red while trying to play it off cool.
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You had asked me to sing it again.
And I was in the second verse,
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Shall I stay?
Would it be a sin?
If I can't help falling in love with you
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when it hit me. The most undeniable fact. As set in stone as the knowledge that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west. For a moment I thought of myself as an idiot. An absolute fool for walking into this knowing how it would end.
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On the other hand, I knew I wouldn't have been able to stop myself. I doubt anyone could.
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I had truly just walked into it. I hadn't fallen for you, I had walked over to you, seen all of the brightest, most beautiful parts that made you. That made up your person. Made up your soul.
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How could I have ever not loved you after seeing all that?
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and then Add to home screen.