Sunday, March 28th
Fredericton, Dr. Everett Chalmers Regional Hospital, 2:00 p.m.
Alison was starting to feel better. The previous day, when she had woken up after - she didn’t know how many days - a period of coma, she had felt dizzy and confused. She remembered the crying face of her friend Shirley, her embrace after so much apprehension, the smiling faces of the nurses and the doctors and the echo of their heartfelt: “Welcome back!”
Then, in the evening, when she was beginning to focus and to collect her memories, Lieutenant Gordon had arrived, he had told her they had arrested her aggressor, he had shown her the photo of her attacker, and she had identified him, because she had seen him for a moment before he shot her. She had remembered the photo of the Lewis family and that woman. Gordon had shown her the picture of Rebecca Blain. She had no doubts, she was the woman who was running out of her mum’s apartment that day, the same evil eyes, the same cold stare, the features she had not been able to reproduce in the sketch she had helped to draw. Gordon had explained that unfortunately Mrs. Lewis had been killed on the day after her aggression, that Father Luca had been killed in order to prevent him from putting Alison and Stacey in contact. ‘Oh, my God,’ she had thought, ‘how many deaths, how much violence...’
Now she was glad because she had been able to eat a little. She didn’t have a sense of dizziness, and the headache, which had been tormenting her the previous day, had disappeared.
The door opened, and a nurse came to see if she was sleeping. She touched her arm gently, and she said: “There is someone who would like to see you. Shall I let them in?”
She looked startled because Shirley had just gone home, and her friends usually came in the evening. She nodded, and the nurse went out of the room. A few moments later, she saw a tall man with a blonde, beautiful woman and a child. She recognized them from the photo: they were Nolan Lewis - her stepbrother - and his first wife, with their little boy. She remembered that in the photo they looked self-confident and a little arrogant, but now she saw a handsome couple that looked even timid. The child remained at a distance at first.
Nolan Lewis approached the bed and told her: “Miss Stevens,” he stopped, and he corrected himself, “Alison, I am sorry for what happened. I didn’t know anything about my mother’s search for you. I didn’t know anything about the fact that my father had had a daughter before meeting my mother. I...” he turned towards Dana and went on, “We wanted to see if you are alright.”
Alison had been so afraid that the lady’s children would want her money back, that they would think she was after their money. And now... in front of her she had a kind man who had travelled for more than an hour to see how she was, to meet her... She held back the tears, and she said shyly: “I am better now, thanks. You shouldn’t have bothered to come ...”
Nolan Lewis smiled and said: “We wanted to tell you that, as soon as you are better, we are waiting for you in Rosary. We would like to get to know you. It was my mum’s last wish, and you are my stepsister, after all.”
She smiled and put a hand on the man’s arm. She said softly: “I am sorry for your mum. We talked just once on the phone, but I had the impression of a caring person.”
Nolan answered: “She was, Alison.” He turned to Robin, who had remained in a corner, and said: “This is my son Robin. Robin, this is the lady your grandmother wanted to meet. She is the daughter of your grandfather, so she is your aunt.”
Robin came nearer and shook hands politely with Alison. He smiled at her, and he said kindly: “When you come to Rosary, I will show you my drawings. My grandma liked them very much.” Dana caressed the boy’s cheek with tenderness and told him: “Now Alison has to rest, Robin.”
Alison wanted to ask about the other sister, but she didn’t dare. She remembered her name was Margaret. Nolan seemed to read her mind and said: “My sister is in Ottawa now. She is thinking of moving there with her new partner. I hope she will be in Rosary when you come.” In reality, Nolan knew his sister didn’t intend to meet Alison. She had left after her mother’s funeral for Ottawa, announcing that she would leave her job as a secretary in the Notary office, but Nolan was used to his sister’s frequent life changes. He knew that the new experience in Ottawa would almost certainly end very soon.
***
Rosary, Parish Orphanage, 4 p.m.
Amy was trying hard to keep her promise to Neil. She was sitting at a table in the big room with her friends Lily and Peter. She had not gone to sit by herself, as she had always preferred to do up to the day before.
They were all doing their homework, but in a few minutes Sister Nancy and Sister Theresa would call them for the afternoon snack.
She liked to study. She was interested in all the subjects, but she was particularly good at mathematics. She liked reading and writing. Her memories of her past were very confused, but she recalled that there were long periods when she didn’t go to school, that they often moved from one place to another, that she often begged her father to send her to school…
Now, since she had been found at the station and brought to the orphanage, during the day she concentrated on her school homework, and she seldom thought about her past, but during the night ... In her nightmares she saw flashes of faces, the faces of the adults always threatening and menacing, the faces of other children always imploring and frightened. One face scared her more than the others, her father’s face, always hovering over her with anger…
But the previous night, next to that terrible sneer, she had seen the kind, handsome, worried face of Neil and his tender smile. She was trying to connect the policeman to her previous life, but she simply couldn’t. She just remembered that the man she called father and the woman who was with him talked about him, and that his father wanted to kill him… Why? He seemed like such a nice man, and he had saved her life the day before… Maybe if she told her father that Neil had saved her … No, her father was too bad, too wicked, and he didn’t care about her… She had to remember, she had to find out why she was so worried for that policeman, she had to warn him…
The fact was that during the night she saw her father’s face, but during the day her memories were blurred, and she had not been able to recognize him among the photos the police had shown her when she had been found…
And why was she afraid of everyone and not of Neil? Why did she long for Neil’s embrace? Why, when he held her in his arms, she felt safe and protected as she had never felt before? And that other policeman? She had not looked at him after they had arrested that woman, but Neil had introduced him to her after the volleyball game ... Billy… Why did she have the impression of knowing him? Did his father talk about him, too? Billy gave the impression of loving Neil as a brother. He was nice, even if he had not dared to touch her…
Amy realized she was so absorbed in her effort to remember that she had not heard sister Nancy call her for the afternoon snack. She looked up at the kind face of the nun, and she closed her book…
***
Rosary, Anna’s apartment, 8:30 p.m.
Anna had had a busy day at the Trattoria, as usual. In the afternoon, after she had tidied up with Silvia, she had gone out with the children, her daughter and her son-in-law. They had gone for a walk on the beach, not far from the town. It was still cold, especially in the evening and early in the morning, but on a sunny day like this, it was pleasant to sit on the beach and let the sun’s rays warm you.
After the Mass, she had resisted the impulse to ask Neil if he wanted to come to have lunch at the Trattoria. He had come out of the church and he had gone to the Orphanage to spend a little time with Amy. He was always very kind to Anna, and he had thanked her warmly for her help with Robin and his parents, but after what had happened a few days before, she didn’t know how to behave with him. She couldn’t help admiring that tall handsome man, certainly intelligent and skilled in his job, but also sensitive and caring. Her heart told her he was a lonely man, courageous, generous, but lonely. She knew he was suffering for something and, knowing that he didn’t have a mother, she felt the impulse to offer him her comfort. Or maybe, she reflected, he had perceived that, after her son’s death, she was feeling a great void and he was discouraging her from the temptation to fill the empty space with him. Was that what she was trying to do? She knew that the void Luca had left could and would never be filled. It was as if a piece of her heart had died with him.
After dinner, she went to her living room, and she turned on the TV. She sat down on her sofa with a cup of coffee in her hand, and she stretched out her legs on a little stool. She loved working at the Trattoria. She was proud of her little restaurant. How many sacrifices, how many nights spent with her husband studying the new menus, planning makeover expenses, trying to make ends meet. But she realized years had passed, and now she felt tired in the evening. Oh, she would never leave her job. She loved it too much, she enjoyed talking to people, listening to whatever they wanted to tell her, but she was beginning to take it easier, leaving most of the cooking to Bruno and most of the table serving to Jennifer and Silvia.
She was trying to relax, when the doorbell rang. People were used to seeing her at the restaurant and, when someone needed to talk, they generally knocked on the door of the Trattoria, knowing that she always stayed there to tidy up when it was closed. Only occasionally, someone came to her apartment, apart from Luca and Silvia and her family, of course.
She went to the window. She opened the blinds a little and looked down on the street. She saw a tall figure in the dark, and she recognized him immediately. Her heart started to beat faster while she waited for him to come upstairs.
***
During the Mass, Neil had noticed that Amy frequently turned to look at him. She didn’t smile, but she locked eyes with him, as if she wanted to speak. When the Mass ended, Neil said hello to some parishioners. After volleyball practice the day before, people smiled and waved at him when they met him. He was glad because he wanted the community to accept him as a person, who was always available, when they had a problem, and not only as the famous handsome sniper who had been awarded a medal by the Governor.
Amy had spontaneously come to him outside the church. He had gently caressed her cheek and taken her hand. This had attracted the attention of many people, used to seeing Amy always near the nuns and with her face downcast. He had decided to accompany her to the Orphanage, which was just a few minutes on foot from the church. He had stayed there with her and the other children until the sisters had called them to help prepare lunch. Sister Theresa had asked him if he wanted to have lunch with them, but he had planned to go to a small diner with Bob and Billy. So, he had left Amy with her friends after embracing her tenderly.
He had spent a pleasant afternoon with his colleagues, then he had gone back home, and he had been busy for a couple of hours with his computer, because he wanted to write his report.
He had had a quick sandwich for dinner, and he had started thinking. He knew he had to talk to Anna, because she was visibly embarrassed, and because he felt he had alienated her. He had to apologize, but would he be able to explain the real reason for his behavior? Would she accept the general excuse that he was an orphan? Anna was intelligent and sensitive, and she would certainly understand that there was something more.
He stood up from his chair, put on his jacket, and left.
It was strange to see the Trattoria so dark and deserted. He had never been there late in the evening. He parked his car in the small parking lot. He knew Anna lived above the Trattoria. He saw the windows overlooking the street, he looked around, and he saw a door with a bell in the corner of the building. He saw the name ‘Venturi’ on a tag on the bell, and he waited for a moment. He was tempted to go back to his car. He felt ashamed for his behavior three days before, but… he took a deep breath, and he rang the bell. After a few moments, he heard a familiar kind voice in the intercom say: “Come on up, first floor” She had evidently seen him from a window. He slowly went up the stairs. It was useless to think in advance of what he would say. He knew that this time he couldn’t plan and control, as he was used to during police questioning, his heart would guide him.
Anna had a startled look on her face, and Neil said immediately: “I know I should have called before coming. I am sorry, Anna, I hope I don’t disturb you...”
She moved to one side and invited him in with a gesture, because she couldn’t speak. Her voice was choked by emotion. She knew why he was there.
When they were in the living room, she told him: “Please, sit down, Neil. I was having a coffee ... Would you like a cup? The coffee you didn’t have time to drink yesterday?” She was trying to smile, but the troubled face of the young man was worrying her.
He didn’t reply. He sat down on the sofa, and he looked at her for a few moments before speaking. She sat down next to him.
He turned to her and said: “Anna, what I did last Thursday was inexcusable. I am really ashamed. You ...”
Anna tried to say something, but he put a hand on her arm and went on, “You had just learnt that your son had been killed, you needed comfort, and I rejected your embrace. This was very rude on my part, and I am sorry, Anna ...”
He cast down his eyes, and Anna said softly: “Neil, it is true that it was not an easy moment for me. I had hoped against hope that my son’s death was just an accident, even if John had hinted at the fact that he had doubts ... But I know so little about you and ... you are an orphan. God knows how you may have missed having a mother.” Neil was shaking his head. He could just say that was the reason, and Anna would have accepted his apologies, but ... He made up his mind. He had to overcome this refusal, this sense of rejection, he had to feel comfort and affection, and he knew he could do this only when he took that weight off his heart.
He turned to Anna, and he tried to keep his voice steady: “Anna, last Thursday was not the first time I had had a similar reaction.” Anna started to feel that what Neil was going to tell her or was trying to tell her was not easy to say.
He stopped for a moment. Then he said, looking at Anna: “At the ceremony at the end of the police academy, David’s mother wanted to hug me, since I was the only one who didn’t have his parents in attendance. I had the same reaction, and I rejected her embrace. Oh, I was so ashamed. I apologized to her, and she said that she understood that I had never had a mother… From that moment she has always been kind to me, but she has never tried to hug me again… But I don’t want you to feel rejected. I don’t want you to keep your distance from me. No, Anna, I have to overcome this ...”
Anna was waiting for him to go on, because she was sure that now came the hardest part.
“The fact is that ... My father died two months before I was born. His name was John McKinley, he was a policeman, and he died in a shooting. I was born a little earlier than the due date. My mother was, or is, Italian,” Anna noticed the present tense, and she started to think that Neil was not simply an orphan, that something terrible must have happened.
Neil found it really difficult to talk. It was the first time he had revealed this part of his life. “I lived with my mum until I was a little over four years old. I don’t remember much of that time, Anna, apart from the fact that my mother spoke almost exclusively Italian with me, and that a man began to be more and more present in her life. I don’t recall tender moments. I don’t recall my mum reading bedtime stories to me or tucking me in or cuddling me. But I loved my mum all the same… I remember that man - I don’t even recall his name - discussing it with her because he didn’t want me around.” Anna felt tears coming to her eyes. She took Neil’s hand in hers, and she prayed that what he would say next would be different from what she expected. Neil locked eyes with her and, oh, that sad look she had noticed when she had met him for the first time. “One day, she took me to the orphanage. I remember Father Thomas looking at me with sympathy because he knew what she would do next. But I couldn’t imagine. How can a child imagine his mother leaving him behind without a word? I relive that scene as if it was yesterday ... My mum left me there, in Father Thomas’s parlor, without a word. I think she told Father Thomas that she had to go back to Italy because her mother was ill…I saw her leave. I stretched my arms towards her. She just turned around and left ...”
Neil bent his head to hide the tears that were running down his cheeks. Anna raised his face gently and wiped the tears from his face and said softly: “Oh Neil, I am so sorry… Now I see. When a person like me tries to embrace you, you still remember that refusal, that rejection…”
Neil looked at her and said: “But Anna, almost thirty years have passed. Why do I still have this reaction? I am a policeman. I am used to controlling my emotions ... I can’t forgive myself for not being able to keep that emotion in check when you came to me. A part of me still refuses the figure of a mother because I associate it with that moment ... And with all the afternoons I spent for years looking out of the window, hoping my mum would show up. That’s why I was so serious when I talked to Robin’s parents.”
He looked at her watery eyes, and he said, trying to smile: “The last thing I wanted was to make you cry. I am sorry, but you are the first person I have told this part of my life. Nobody knows, apart from Father Thomas, of course, and Billy.”
And then, as naturally as it should be, he bent his head on Anna’s shoulder and he let her embrace him. Anna felt a warmth, a comfort in that embrace. It was as if her son Luca had come back to hug her one last time. And Neil felt the affection of a mother he had missed so much…
After a few moments, Neil freed himself gently from her hug and said: “I owed you an embrace, and I have a raincheck for a cup of coffee to claim.”
Anna smiled, and they drank coffee together, talking about Amy and Robin.
When Neil was leaving, she ventured to ask: “Neil, you said your mum is Italian. Do you know where she is or was from? Do you know anything about her?”
Neil answered: “I only know that her name is or was Elena. She had a different accent from yours or Bruno’s, but I don’t know where she is from. I haven’t heard or seen her, and I don’t want to hear and see her. Father Thomas has never tried to contact her any more. From what I remember of her discussions with that man, she wanted to go back to Italy. You know, I say that I don’t want to see her, but when the Governor gave me that award, I found myself wondering if she saw the ceremony, if she was watching me. But no, for me she died when she left me there. Thanks, Anna, and I hope you can forgive me for my behavior last Thursday.”
“Neil, don’t mention it any more. Remember that when you need to talk to someone, I am here... Ok?”
Neil nodded and left. A weight had been lifted from his heart. He knew that he had found a supportive community in Rosary and a comforting presence in Anna, but… Would it be enough to help him through what he knew would inevitably happen, sooner or later?
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