觸不到的戀人 - 09

在捷運鬧劇結束後，我發覺自己已經越來越習慣小迪跟阿龍的相處模式了。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1tJSRXNGLs
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打打鬧鬧、互相鬥嘴，即使阿龍看起來很生氣，卻也是開玩笑般的生氣。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡsBvkPaBXBF
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本來一開始擔心他們會打起來，但現在也跟殷和傑哥一樣無所謂了。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUwkJsE0HBm
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捷運行駛到士林站，門一開，我們便出了車。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuN9Xxn0rAJ
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在離開士林捷運站後，往士林夜市開始前進。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAUNYSn9cKW
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「你怎麼不過去和瑀峰一起走？」殷小小聲的靠在我耳邊說。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqku338sGIf
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我搖頭，然後聳肩，這動作讓殷更不理解。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZFrUO1mMD7
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我不否認我還在生氣。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPsvfagAIzJ
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也許殷他們會覺得沒什麼，但對我來說並不是「沒什麼」。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOOwuEWFTXO
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「你們這樣好奇怪喔！難道吵架了嗎？要我幫妳跟瑀峰談一下嗎？」殷又繼續問。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW58v2DZ8Rm
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEsIxKLO9C7
「不用啦！反正跟他談也沒用、跟他講什麼也沒用，他不就是這麼冷漠的人嗎？所以，就算了。」我小聲的回答殷。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ475UAB2BIo
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走在我們後面的是阿龍跟小迪、瑀跟傑哥走在最後面，所以他們沒有聽到我和殷的對話。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAFtOGMI0V
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6VHWv3ZBFQ
我忍住想回頭看瑀的衝動，回頭看他就代表我認輸了，我不能認輸，就是要讓他知道我在生氣。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡb6uT8KhkrD
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抱著小孩子賭氣的想法，繼續和殷走在一起。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8G7SlSF90R
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不曉得走了多久，在我回過神時，已經到了士林夜市。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5o5G88NpLR
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這是我第一次來，這裡也是一樣很熱鬧，不習慣人群的我緊緊靠著殷，殷則是挽住我的手繼續向前。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQnv6PozfGc
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「殷殷！我們去買那個好不好！」小迪跑過來，拉著殷另一隻右手並指著左方賣烤魷魚的攤販。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzznEGZI3cM
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殷點頭說好，而我並不想吃，放開了殷挽住我的那隻手，小迪馬上就把殷拉走了。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTm9yvSN7ZW
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「阿龍，我們也去買吧。」在後面的傑哥看了我一眼後，對阿龍說。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxSibsxSyN4
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡaZmjeKoXDj
阿龍看了我、又看了瑀，沒說半句就和傑哥往小迪那邊走去。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJG6CCtYIRy
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……我該說這個傑哥心機很重嗎？就是故意要留下我跟瑀嘛！283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡC3N9szBPIo
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平靜心情、穩定情緒，這點心機打垮不了我葉星橋的。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuOZR3YfwaL
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「到底有什麼好生氣的？」站在旁邊的瑀，難得主動開了口。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBvqgEdygfO
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終於知道我在生氣了？但是他知道我氣的是什麼嗎？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ96FPanlpg9
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「你自己都不會有點自知之明嗎？」我反問。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03Hm91nw1s
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「我不認為我該道歉、也沒有必要道歉。」他講的一副理所當然。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡdnNFoFJh1A
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沒必要道歉？放你個屁！283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡg0luc40CNb
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一直忍住沒爆發的火氣已到極限，我轉過頭瞪著他。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwtuiBPZv6G
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTUdZ8cD9C8
「對，你就覺得你沒有錯，對，你永遠都沒有錯，錯的是我，可以嗎？」283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3pQ3pKFcSS
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他依舊用那張冷漠的表情看著我，這讓我覺得他是在看小孩子鬧脾氣。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9tF5unmmpP
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真是夠了。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlF0cwnjG8T
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「你有沒有想過你把我推給別人的時候我的感受？我只是想跟一般情侶一樣被你在乎被你關心，這些你都做不到嗎？做不到沒關係，我們也是這樣走過來的，但是今天、今天我真的受不了，我是女的、我也會想要跟自己心愛的人走看看情人橋，結果呢？你把我推給阿龍？也不出聲反駁一下就放任我和阿龍去走情人橋？你到底是不是人啊！」我推了他一把，他無動於衷。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡH6Cd28MyKl
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「妳可以開口拒絕，但妳沒有，那妳想過我的感受嗎？」面對我的怒火，他依舊是那種冷態度。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡv5SRo16dp9
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「我要怎麼想？你從來沒讓我了解過你，關於你所有的一切我都不知道！你的朋友們一定都比我還清楚，而我呢？我卻連你為什麼一個人住、為什麼這麼冷漠、為什麼不去理解我的想法都不知道！」我盡量壓低了聲音，不讓在遠處買東西的他們聽到。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPcivN7xPMq
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所有的心聲全部一次說了出來，但是他會懂嗎？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡivxkwaMDwx
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如果像小人妖說的那樣，他不懂得表達但至少他會想，那他或許會懂吧會理解我現在的憤怒還有──283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8EEwDvi1Rr
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「妳不覺得妳很無理取鬧嗎？」283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMdJ9L0tO05
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期待？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMssCmzfWSF
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好像有什麼東西碎掉了、破裂了。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSa6kZTY3d4
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我瞪大眼睛的看著他，不曉得是不是看錯我發現他臉上閃過一絲驚訝，但是我想那是錯覺吧。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡs2GXoD9oUE
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無理取鬧……283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTtZjk2pi5E
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從以前到現在都是我在無理取鬧嗎？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzUCgm9iL4h
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「嗯，我無理取鬧。」我撇過頭，離開了他身邊。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMu40mVOyvp
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好痛、好難受，這種想哭又不能哭出來的感覺──283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRU4Y6Wbrsu
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令我窒息。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ13YbqSkIBd
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＊283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPukwVLuQcS
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二零一三年，七月。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6DcN8TUMBz
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在那之後呢？我努力回想，只記得後來以那種失神的狀態陪他們逛、走，最後回基隆。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIDvUwxwyaI
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也沒有再跟瑀講過話。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ03EjlYl45k
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3IDyOO7RTd
如果我知道我們會演變成這種結果，那我還會對他說出自己的心聲和不滿嗎？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCMN3GkDFgF
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有些事情，無論在怎麼去想也得不到答案，事過已久，已經找不到任何解答了。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHRUqy6hOOm
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後悔已來不及。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR95w31U4JP
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阿龍抽完了菸，回到了他的座位，開始和小迪催促著我趕快點菜。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrktugXnPjt
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我笑笑的看了菜單，隨便點了一個簡餐和冰紅茶，讓服務生把菜單收走。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ39Th6hc1Zm
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2qhXQ9c9Am
「阿楊能來就好了，突然覺得好無趣。」小迪手撐著下巴，看著阿龍。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡldvoWfmibl
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「整天就是玩，你還會幹麻？」阿龍說。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXYZvjUpSIB
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「無趣的人生就不是人生啦！對吧？」小迪笑著看我。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡud0ixPExBb
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我點頭，但是我的人生好像也沒什麼有趣，所以我的人生還是人生嗎？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyvX3EWbbwL
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有點在繞口令。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡU2lyqnPv2Z
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「咦？橋橋妳還戴著啊？那條項鍊。」眼尖的小迪馬上發現我頸上的這條項鍊。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbPHNROWcIH
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他的心、他替我戴上並贈予我的對鍊。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYUrnLZb1oQ
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「嗯，戴著也好，不用怕它不見。」我說。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8dz01BQku6
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「看來妳還是很在意阿楊。」阿龍說。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSYELX8erjh
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我想在回答些什麼，服務生卻送來了餐點，終止了這話題。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0sGkeMsDFi
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我邊吃邊聽小迪說他們這段日子發生的事，雖然多半都是他跟阿龍在家的鬧劇，但多少還是有提到殷和傑哥。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡd6VLFO5BJa
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殷有了男朋友、工作也穩定，但沒有因為工作和男朋友就放棄她最愛的跳舞。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6xo2Pus2Jm
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而傑哥，依舊是以女朋友為中心，可是他不像以前只要女朋友叫他就會馬上到，總而言之就是傑哥開始重視朋友了。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGMABllseR4
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他呢？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKslAujwQhX
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小迪沒有提到任何關於他的事，而我也沒有問，我們自己心裡都清楚，所以迴避了這個話題。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmWmiZ2xDXm
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「我說阿，橋橋妳現在這樣子很漂亮耶！如果是看黑髮的妳就還好，染成棕色就很漂亮。」小迪讚嘆般的說。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ28aINM2RKR
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「我本來是染紅棕色的，結果紅色幾乎都被洗掉，變成棕色了。」我喝了一口紅茶後才說。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFjPkLiCSqp
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「妳本來就很可愛，現在又染頭髮、頭髮又長長，阿楊看到一定會很驚訝。」小迪說。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCUVhjKA70O
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會嗎？他看到現在這個模樣的我，會有反應嗎？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgxmKFUbo6G
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……一定還是那張臉吧。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHXQMf0c6po
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我記憶中的他，至今為止都從未改變過──那冷漠的表情、那讓人看不出喜怒哀樂的臉。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8wOvStruf9
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還有迷人的笑容。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLF5zO2n2YT
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即使那笑容在我記憶中出現不多次，卻印象深刻。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOkkQfEudgJ
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「等等吃完我們去看看阿楊吧？」283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1KYEAXUjNJ
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這句話終止了我的回憶，我看著阿龍，想開口拒絕卻怎麼也說不出來。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMITink72BY
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也許淺意識裡，我是想見到他的，但顧及過去，不知道到底該不該見這一面。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRLTRq090nf
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「對啊對啊！橋橋，妳等等就跟我們去嘛！阿楊一定也很想看看妳。」小迪在一旁附和阿龍。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡn6kQuev0eE
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「我騎車來的，要我跟在你們車子後面嗎？而且……他不會想見我的吧。」我低下頭，再度吸了一口紅茶。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡu7p1hHBjjQ
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「妳等等就坐我的車，等要回來我在開到這裡放妳下車。」阿龍毫不在乎的回答。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡK7Dby0gJHB
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講的還真是輕鬆。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCCiuauhXnf
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「阿楊怎麼可能不想看到妳！他每分每秒都想的啦！妳可是他最在乎的人耶！」小迪說。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡRBgn8awLzQ
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最在乎的人……283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTxF0bEwJFI
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTAuF96qrm9
我淺淺一笑，小迪露出疑惑的表情。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnQpVaVCJgm
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhTMUdH1ExI
「在乎又怎樣呢？我們分手的時候，我對他說了很傷人的話，雖然他還是以那種態度回應我，但是某種程度上已經傷到他的心了吧？我講了那麼過分的話……」283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJd8qqta3TU
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAyXCSrBI5g
當時分手的情景，我還記得，怎麼可能會忘記？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwdwrQAYw0R
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHwmAPCYUpw
那麼幼稚又愛無理取鬧的我，對他說了那麼重的話，他當時到底是怎麼想的？表面平靜，那內心呢？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0PWHnE0Dp3
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzSJBshk7LB
很痛、很痛吧？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIqbRMZ4bHd
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡuGY17mHF17
那麼殘忍的我，他還愛嗎？還會在乎嗎？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKVy4ifsZ87
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpSY2E8DYmO
「無論妳說了什麼，那都不重要，妳只要記得阿楊只有愛過妳一個人，而且從最初到最後都是很愛很愛的，所以妳不要顧慮那麼多，等等和我們一起去找他吧。」阿龍很認真的看著我。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJeITqPZV6g
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡR7JwrhRPnP
深吸一口氣，用手擋住了臉，此時此刻的我真的很不想讓人看到我那脆弱的眼淚。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSrxaAtpQIR
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeXi1x9K0WS
瑀從最初到最後愛過的人，是我，這我怎麼可能不知道。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFzLAZI17vq
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1Le5BwhqhX
但是我要怎麼面對？我能為當時說的那些話後悔嗎？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡapJr7XJ9MA
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfJPNhGUdEj
可是如果他真的像阿龍說的那樣沒有放在心上呢？是不是我就可以從這段日子以來的罪惡感裡解放出來？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmQ0CVzbPg
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5KlfzRZclK
既然無可避免、既然是注定要我今天和他見上一面，那我還要逃避嗎？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡY9S5TqWtD3
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpuNM74LO70
擦去了眼淚，我把手放下，小迪對我露出擔憂的表情，而阿龍一就是用認真的眼神看著我。283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7qc0qg9fsr
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe4Ik2knjIf
「嗯，等等就跟你們去吧。」283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjfDg7PchCR
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡXNm3ixLub3
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzhcCIVlZHs
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYhizFYZFdt
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡm1ylEtSQmL
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfmGoOdzluh
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6SrTRU7glM
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSUkYGqnZ0t
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1BfwPklVMp
283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡe6FX5LffIr
如果一開始就知道愛到最後會是一場空，你……還會選擇繼續愛下去嗎？283Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0QJ9NAeie1
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