I am writing this at 3 a.m.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnAcfwwqjOk
The night of my college’s annual fest.
Everyone is finally asleep, exhausted after three days of chaos, lights, music, and noise. A DJ night that shook the campus on the 2nd of April, and a concert tonight that everyone will probably remember for a long time.
It was fun.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvEy53KeIWb
At least for everyone else.
While the campus rests, I sit awake not because I’m not tired, but because something inside me refuses to switch off. Something that followed me back from the crowd, from the music, from the noise… and now sits quietly with me in this room.
The last time I wrote was on 17th January 2026.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPlUJnxCBYb
Today, it’s 5th April 2026.
Almost three months.
Strange, right?
Why didn’t I write?78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEsMthvLFCf
Where was I?78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAAbrRULoJw
Was I too busy? Too distracted? Writing something else?
No.
I had time. I had thoughts. I had everything I needed.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNfexgL3BUl
I just didn’t feel like writing.
Which is strange… because writing is my favourite thing to do.
So why today?
Two years ago, in 12th grade, I was isolated preparing for a competitive exam, cut off from everything. No excitement, no distractions, just books and silence.
Then college happened.
People. Friends. Laughter. Conversations. Late evenings. Random plans.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡmTP7GRm1Ga
For the first time in a long time, I felt alive again.
But…
Somewhere in the past month, something flipped.
And I don’t know when.
I am no longer that version of myself, the one who laughed easily, who wanted to be around people, who found joy in small things.
Now, everything feels… distant.
The strange part?78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9T9SRacm7D
Nothing bad happened.
Life, on paper, is good.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡqzzPhAuDCg
Good friends. Good food. Playing my favourite sport. No major problems.
And yet… something inside me quietly shut down.
I realised it fully tonight.
In the middle of the concert, surrounded by music, lights, people dancing, shouting, recording moments, all I could think was:
“When can I go back to my room?”
Not because I was tired.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ0fcid9LHez
But because I didn’t belong there anymore.
And that’s when it hit me.
It’s not the concert.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoE7FyLZL8B
It’s everything.
Nothing excites me anymore.
I don’t look forward to anything.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcYwvffbUk6
Except going back to my room… and being alone.
And no I am not sad. Not heartbroken. Not depressed in the dramatic sense.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMHcNMxCGvC
There’s no story behind this.
It’s just… gradual and weird.
I sit quietly. I study. I work. I exist.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYlGNkmG2KI
No highs. No lows. Just a flat line.
Things I once loved don’t interest me anymore.
I don’t feel like writing.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwHEzpoe1Ph
Don’t feel like playing games.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcdher2ASDZ
Don’t feel like watching anything.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ6EyBRSJmbg
Don’t feel like talking.
I can listen. I prefer listening.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfzEsKUF2cY
But when it’s my turn to speak, I have nothing.
It was my old habit, listening to songs while working or studying, I couldn’t believe it when one day I turned the music off because I wasn’t enjoying it. And it’s been two weeks since, I haven’t used my headphones to listen to music.
No stories. No excitement. No urge.
It’s like I’m present everywhere… but involved nowhere.
And the worst part?
People around me care.
My friends try. They include me. They check on me.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡakLlccqX6A
They notice when I zone out mid-conversation.
They ask, “What happened?”
And I lie.
I say it’s a headache. Migraine. Just tired.
Because how do I explain something I don’t understand myself?
Even I thought this was temporary.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCAeAeJ0MgR
A phase. A few off days.
It doesn’t feel like that anymore.
Now, when I’m around people, I perform.
I laugh when I’m supposed to.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwikms6CDCI
I react when expected.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡV7OgrQ4wwC
I pretend to enjoy.
Not because I want to fool them, but because I don’t want to ruin their moment.
I’ve seen it how one dull presence can lower the energy of an entire group.
I refuse to be that person.
So I act.
And while I act, there’s only one thought running in the background:
“When will this end so I can go back to my room?”
A month ago, I bought Netflix with my saved allowance.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOj2m9Gb6rc
I haven’t watched a single thing.
Not because I didn’t get time, but because I never felt like it.
The last time I felt genuinely excited… was on 25th March.
Someone special’s birthday.
That’s it.
Since then…nothing.
I feel guilty sometimes.
Because my friends deserve better energy.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡS9aQE87EAp
Better presence. A better version of me.
And yet, despite how boring, how distant, how numb I’ve become — they stay.
They don’t leave.
Which makes it harder.
Because now I feel responsible not to ruin things for them.
So I’ve started learning something new:
How to hide it better.
How to smile at the right time.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGjiNJ825qW
How to laugh just enough.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBbbGiUYWvM
How to stay present… without actually feeling present.
Maybe this is temporary.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYL4dc3zcXD
Maybe it’s not.
I don’t know.
But I do know one thing, no matter how I feel about life right now…
I still love my people.
I still care.
I’ll listen to them. Support them. Show up when they need me.
Even if I can’t match their energy, I won’t let my silence take away from their happiness.
And maybe, someday…..I’ll find my way back.
Back to that version of me who felt things deeply.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZzKyWtWDdW
Who laughed without thinking.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡtHD3C9pisk
Who didn’t have to pretend.
I don’t know when.
But I want him back.78Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrUy0a5z83X
and then Add to home screen.