I am writing this at 3 a.m.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnSIKVE1o6A
The night of my college’s annual fest.
Everyone is finally asleep, exhausted after three days of chaos, lights, music, and noise. A DJ night that shook the campus on the 2nd of April, and a concert tonight that everyone will probably remember for a long time.
It was fun.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡekaqcnCyNQ
At least for everyone else.
While the campus rests, I sit awake not because I’m not tired, but because something inside me refuses to switch off. Something that followed me back from the crowd, from the music, from the noise… and now sits quietly with me in this room.
The last time I wrote was on 17th January 2026.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxDpGaxR3Za
Today, it’s 5th April 2026.
Almost three months.
Strange, right?
Why didn’t I write?125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8d9XfD3KvN
Where was I?125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ43MwMZSvbc
Was I too busy? Too distracted? Writing something else?
No.
I had time. I had thoughts. I had everything I needed.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMIBdV3LDLr
I just didn’t feel like writing.
Which is strange… because writing is my favourite thing to do.
So why today?
Two years ago, in 12th grade, I was isolated preparing for a competitive exam, cut off from everything. No excitement, no distractions, just books and silence.
Then college happened.
People. Friends. Laughter. Conversations. Late evenings. Random plans.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkJZ1PIsiGx
For the first time in a long time, I felt alive again.
But…
Somewhere in the past month, something flipped.
And I don’t know when.
I am no longer that version of myself, the one who laughed easily, who wanted to be around people, who found joy in small things.
Now, everything feels… distant.
The strange part?125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyDcq05IO0w
Nothing bad happened.
Life, on paper, is good.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8ItVOKfUIn
Good friends. Good food. Playing my favourite sport. No major problems.
And yet… something inside me quietly shut down.
I realised it fully tonight.
In the middle of the concert, surrounded by music, lights, people dancing, shouting, recording moments, all I could think was:
“When can I go back to my room?”
Not because I was tired.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡJ2IzOheHgy
But because I didn’t belong there anymore.
And that’s when it hit me.
It’s not the concert.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7z8k9y2xld
It’s everything.
Nothing excites me anymore.
I don’t look forward to anything.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡnYNB5HYl2U
Except going back to my room… and being alone.
And no I am not sad. Not heartbroken. Not depressed in the dramatic sense.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSBh01GNfAZ
There’s no story behind this.
It’s just… gradual and weird.
I sit quietly. I study. I work. I exist.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNe1cmmVxsZ
No highs. No lows. Just a flat line.
Things I once loved don’t interest me anymore.
I don’t feel like writing.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡX79NamsGn6
Don’t feel like playing games.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡeuJOOmmlJi
Don’t feel like watching anything.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡibM9mPhOLg
Don’t feel like talking.
I can listen. I prefer listening.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡSHBIU7sKqK
But when it’s my turn to speak, I have nothing.
It was my old habit, listening to songs while working or studying, I couldn’t believe it when one day I turned the music off because I wasn’t enjoying it. And it’s been two weeks since, I haven’t used my headphones to listen to music.
No stories. No excitement. No urge.
It’s like I’m present everywhere… but involved nowhere.
And the worst part?
People around me care.
My friends try. They include me. They check on me.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡhTZWuV5qVL
They notice when I zone out mid-conversation.
They ask, “What happened?”
And I lie.
I say it’s a headache. Migraine. Just tired.
Because how do I explain something I don’t understand myself?
Even I thought this was temporary.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5x2pUG2EU3
A phase. A few off days.
It doesn’t feel like that anymore.
Now, when I’m around people, I perform.
I laugh when I’m supposed to.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡugV5rklax8
I react when expected.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHmWNzkFv8t
I pretend to enjoy.
Not because I want to fool them, but because I don’t want to ruin their moment.
I’ve seen it how one dull presence can lower the energy of an entire group.
I refuse to be that person.
So I act.
And while I act, there’s only one thought running in the background:
“When will this end so I can go back to my room?”
A month ago, I bought Netflix with my saved allowance.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ2VC82DRon6
I haven’t watched a single thing.
Not because I didn’t get time, but because I never felt like it.
The last time I felt genuinely excited… was on 25th March.
Someone special’s birthday.
That’s it.
Since then…nothing.
I feel guilty sometimes.
Because my friends deserve better energy.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5o4IUPb3Xo
Better presence. A better version of me.
And yet, despite how boring, how distant, how numb I’ve become — they stay.
They don’t leave.
Which makes it harder.
Because now I feel responsible not to ruin things for them.
So I’ve started learning something new:
How to hide it better.
How to smile at the right time.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡfDhdkD0MIN
How to laugh just enough.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOdj7VOhLxi
How to stay present… without actually feeling present.
Maybe this is temporary.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9bin42rWTX
Maybe it’s not.
I don’t know.
But I do know one thing, no matter how I feel about life right now…
I still love my people.
I still care.
I’ll listen to them. Support them. Show up when they need me.
Even if I can’t match their energy, I won’t let my silence take away from their happiness.
And maybe, someday…..I’ll find my way back.
Back to that version of me who felt things deeply.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡjrRVpXPF8l
Who laughed without thinking.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡcnQE76GoFh
Who didn’t have to pretend.
I don’t know when.
But I want him back.125Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡzGuRAe3ta8
and then Add to home screen.