12/1/1992 Tuesday 10:11 PM

That was really nice of Kim to send that package, but can you believe I still haven't gotten my parents' package? What's taking so long? I guess this is cuz of the holidays. I hope I finally get it tomorrow.

Dennis took me to the doctor, and amazingly enough, I wasn't there all that long. He gave me yet another cream to use for downstairs and refills.

I also asked him about a place around here for ear surgery. I'm going to call Boston information for the address and number of Mass Eye & Ear Infirmary, as well as Mass General. Then I'm to call the doctor's office back and ask for Kelly, who handles records. She's gonna get them from Boston. After that, Dr. Kareus will send me to someone for their opinion and recommendations.

Andy took me to the King's Table, which is an all-you-can-eat buffet. We snuck some chicken out in a bag.

He taped Reasonable Doubts for me, as it was on while we were gone. I'm watching TV now. Hunter's coming on next.

Last night we went to a place called Marie Callender's. I got some good quiche there, and he got London broil. I gave our waitress a red jacket for her kids. It was a nice jacket I got from Mom, but it was a major hassle getting it on and off. In exchange, the waitress gave us each a free slice of pie.

On my way out, Andy and I grabbed 3 balloons that were by the door. They're on the floor now, as their helium is gone.

12/2/1992 Wednesday 2 AM

I'm still not tired, but I must try to fall asleep soon, as I want to keep a day schedule for a while.

I really hope I get my package tomorrow. I hope I also get letters from Tammy and Lisa. Maybe even Bob will write.

This will be the first b-day with no misery. No isolation or crack houses around me. No snow. No bitter cold weather. I only had one other birthday in semi-warm weather. That was my 24th b-day in Florida. That was no fun. Yes, this will surely be the first b-day where I'm finally truly happy and content. Of course, I'd still love to be able to quit smoking, make it in the music business, and be a butch lover. Now there's no way in hell or in this life, I'll ever look at a butch and say, "God, she's gorgeous!"

As for becoming a singer and quitting smoking, well, I don't know about that either.

Another weird thing about turning 27 is the fact that I wasn't even supposed to live to see my 17th b-day. Also, I look 17 still, depending on how I'm dressed. It's amazing to retain my youth and so much energy after all I've gone through, both physically and mentally.

Andy told me he's invited Diane, Donna, and Velma over for cake and ice cream Friday night at 7:30. I explained to him (and he does understand) that this is very weird, awkward, and a little embarrassing for me. I'm not used to this or being around so many people, at least not for a very long time, and 3 people I barely know are a lot for me. I'll feel sort of "on the spot." I'm only used to family members around on my b-day or one or two friends that I know quite well. I will tell Andy to tell Diane, Donna, and Velma that I may be embarrassed and that I'm not used to this, so they'll understand and not mistake me for being stuck-up and unappreciative.

Well, he's gone to bed, so I think I'll leave a message for him. When he wakes up, he's gonna leave me messages.

Once again, I hope I get my package, but at least I got my doctor's appointment done and over with.

8:43 PM

During commercials, I'll write.

I finally got my packages today. I got a gorgeous bracelet with clear stones of many different colors. I got a really nice necklace, which is sort of hard to describe. It's like Indian and Western. She sent a gold chain necklace and 2 gold chain bracelets, but the bracelets are too big.

She also sent this little tube-like thing that's 2 feet long or so. When you tip it from end to end, it makes a weird and funny sound. To me, it sounds like someone's puking. I played it on Andy's machine, and he thought it was Melissa, the CP lady!

I also got 2 more of those little teddy bears with the hands that clasp together. Now I have 3 of them clasped onto the stick on my blinds in the kitchen.

I got another tiny little stuffed animal, a cigarette case, a box of pads and tampons, paper towels, toilet paper, laundry detergent, sunscreen, a box of instant potatoes, hot chocolate, a nice and different cosmetic bag, a strap-like thing for the wrist, hot oil treatment, a can of grape jelly, a troll key chain doll, and a little toy piano with 1½ octaves.

12/3/1992 Thursday 1:04 AM

Tara called earlier and said she and Tonya had a birthday card for me. When the phone rang, I thought it was Andy and I asked, “Are you eating?” I asked this cuz he always calls and eats on the phone, munching in my ear.

Tara was telling me about this funny dream she had, and I knew I had to tell Andy about it. He laughed. She told me she dreamt she was getting married to Madonna and was at her house. Madonna was cooking her dinner, and she said to Tara, “I want you to meet my parents before we get married.” And Tara just said, “OK, sure, fine.”

She also told me she’s still very, very busy with school and work. She told me her boss was gay and somewhat attractive and feminine. She said she doesn’t wear makeup too much, but when she does, she’s pretty. She has shoulder-length hair. When she finally met her girlfriend, she could see just what I meant when I said fems go for butches, butches go for fems, and there are plenty of butches with other butches. This girlfriend of hers was pretty damn ugly. She told me she feels the same way I do and doesn’t want a relationship. She just wants occasional sex, as she’s got very little free time, needs her space, and doesn’t want to go through the bullshit. She’s getting with guys the same thing I’ve gotten from women. The guy says he’ll call and never does, or he’s always there.

I told her I was gonna tell her something I never thought I’d ever be brave enough to say after the Maliheh B. case and several others. Well, I told her that if she ever does get curious, she doesn’t have to be shy. I’m here, and I’m attracted to her and would never and could never put strings on her. Well, I know she’ll never approach me for sex, but she did say I’d be the first one she’d go to cuz she knows me, and she also thinks that butches are ugly.

2 AM

I just finished watching a talk show, and I just threw in a tape of the edits.

My check comes today. Therefore, I must see if Dennis will take me to the store. I’ve got to get some groceries to hold me over till I get my food stamps. I didn’t get any mail today, so I hope tomorrow I get letters from Lisa and Tammy. There are only a few other errands and places I may go to.

Andy’s gonna pick up my prescription, and we may go to a swap meet on Sunday. I sure as hell hope he doesn’t want to go early cuz there’s no way I’ll be able to get up.

This Saturday afternoon I’ll be picking up my picture at the office.

I still haven’t begun my story, and I have not done more editing, but I’m definitely gonna want to write letters to my family. I’m gonna have lots to tell. I’ll also write to Kim, Bob, Nervous, and Fran.

I was a little ticked off at Kara earlier. You know how it is with people. I tell them to call me first, and they do so for two months, then they knock and wake me up. It turned out OK, though, as UPS came not too much later. Kara also came over with Ashley. I can’t stand it when she brings her over. I had us all out on the patio, so she couldn’t trash my place. If Kara holds her down, the damn thing screams. The reason why she brought her was cuz after she visited me, she planned on seeing Brian and Angel. I didn’t know she knew them, and I thought they moved. They were in Idaho for the last 3 months.

Earlier, a little before 7:00, Andy came over to see what I got from Mom and Dad. He also looked at all my journals. The covers, that is. I think number 13 is the ugliest, but he likes it. 6 and 7 are quite boring, too, but I took care of 6. Yes, I fixed it up quite nicely. I took an old barrette with a bow on it. The material and pattern of the bow are pretty. It’s on a velvet black background with stripes of red and blue through it that are sort of glittery. I cut the bow off the barrette. Then I ironed out the bow flat. I cut the pieces to fit the cover of number 6, which is a small journal; otherwise, I’d never have enough material to cover it. Then I glued it on. I used a toothpick to spread the glue out on the journal, then just slapped on the material.

Andy’s now trying to sing Desde La Oscuridad. Actually, this is the edited version. Kara heard it and was dying of laughter. I put this on the tape I made for her.

Believe it or not, but luckily for me, I am actually getting sleepy. Sleep is exactly what I hope I can do now. I certainly didn’t get enough hours of sleep last night. Barely 6 hours, so I’ll go try really hard to fall asleep.

2:53 PM

I woke up at 9:00 to take my meds. Also, there was some loudmouth granny and a little girl traipsing by, and I’ll kill them if I ever hear them again that early! Those who get up early have no respect for those who don’t get up early, I swear. I went back to sleep till noon.

Today’s a gorgeous day, and there’s a breeze, too. I have my bedroom window and sliding glass door open. My ceiling fan is on, too. It’s nice to be able to air the place out during the day in the winter and at night during the summer. In Springfield, I was only able to open the window from late May to early September just to air out the smoke and dust, only to let the pollution in.

Well, my clothes are in the dryer now.

I went over to Andy’s to call for the phone numbers and addresses of Mass General and Mass Eye & Ear Infirmary.

I called the doctor’s office to ask for Kelly, but the office was closed. Why so early, I don’t know.

While I was over at Andy’s, Fran left a message. It figures I would just miss his call. He’ll have to call me back when he wants to.

I got no mail today, but my check’s in the bank, so later Dennis and I are going to the store. Shortly after I got up, I went to Dennis’s at 12:30. He had some meat and noodles for me that were leftovers they were sick of. It was good.

I told them about the stuff my parents sent and that I have enough paper towels to open a store with. I am going to bring them two rolls, cuz Bea uses them like crazy.

3:19 PM

In 10 minutes I’ll be going to get my clothes out of the dryer.

I’m watching this amazing story of an 80-year-old woman who came out of a coma after 30 years.

4:09 PM

I just finished my laundry.

Andy should be slamming in soon, and at around 6:30 I’ll be going food shopping with Dennis.

The other day, I looked through the paper for what was available in the cat ads. All the ones that were too good to be true were gone. Some were neutered and spayed and even declaWednesday Had their shots, too. Those kinds of cats are gone the second the ad for them comes out.

4:55 PM

I am now sitting at my kitchen table, which is much more comfortable.

I have my lace skirt hanging over one of my chairs. I didn’t want it to shrink. I wore that and my black tights and a tight black camisole with my denim lace jacket, which I got in Norwich when my pictures were taken. I’m sure curious to see how they came out this Saturday afternoon. I’ll be choosing from about 6 pictures. I hope at least one comes out well, since I’m not keeping it and it’s going to Tammy. It’s one thing to keep a so-so or bad picture of yourself. It’s another when you’re gonna give it away to a family member or a friend. Before I mail it to Tammy, I’ll show it to Andy and maybe Tara. When I get the pictures back from Tammy that are going to Kim, I may show them to Tara first.

Tara and Tonya aren’t sure if they’re gonna buy a HUD house or not. They heard they’re usually in pretty bad shape. I can believe that, but I also heard the waiting list for that is years and years. Plus, they’re not a top priority. A family, homeless people, or handicapped people would be considered first. I don’t think the two of them combined are low-income. Maybe average.

Dennis and Bea are the second and third friends I’ve ever had who are not low-income. The first was Kim.

9 PM

I’m watching TV now.

Earlier, Dennis, Bea, and I went to the grocery store.

My ATM card was canceled cuz it was only a temporary card. Now I must go get a new one.

Fran called, and we spoke for about 20 minutes.

I’m doing Andy’s laundry, which I’ll get out of the dryer soon.

12/4/1992 Friday 6:30 PM

I got up at 1 PM today and there was no mail. Everything’s late cuz of the holidays.

Dennis and Bea gave me a $5 gift card.

As I was returning to my place, a girl was calling out my name. I thought to myself, who is she? Well, she had a big and gorgeous plant with her, which I surely wasn’t expecting. Perfect timing, too, as she almost missed me. I figured it was from someone around here, but the card said, “Happy Birthday — Love, Mommy & Daddy.” That sure was nice, and the plant’s beautiful. There’s a beautiful ribbon on it, too. It’s an indoor plant that doesn’t need a lot of light, and it’s supposed to purify the air.

Tammy called, and I also spoke to Lisa, Becky, and Bill. They said tomorrow I should get their check, letters, and my pictures. She said to buy whatever I wanted but make sure I tell them in a letter what I buy.

It’s been raining today like crazy for the first time in nearly two months. It took Andy an hour and a half to get home. Due to the flooding and lots of car accidents, he’s called off the cake and ice cream till tomorrow. It’s not safe for Diane and Velma to be out driving in this rain.

Earlier, Dennis and I were in the pool and the Jacuzzi. The pool was so warm, and you could see the steam coming up from the Jacuzzi and the pool due to all the moisture in the air.

Andy will be over soon, and I’ll tell him to call my parents collect, and he can now give them my number.

Tara may be over here later, but I’m not sure. Kara called me, too.

12/5/1992 Saturday 12:41 AM

Well, I sure do have lots more to write about since the last time I wrote. I’ll go in order of events.

Andy came over with my present in a really pretty bag that says Happy Birthday. I’ll write all the stuff he wrote on the card, but first, he got me two very pretty journals.

He also gave me tons of no-postage-necessary cards for several different magazines and information for a variety of different things. I sent stuff to Fran, Nervous, Bob, Bobbie, Russell, Jim, Debbie, Barbara, Mattie, and Mark.

I decided the timing was right. I had Andy call my parents with me on the other line, pretending not to be there, to tell them I just got a phone (sooner than expected). He gave Dad my number.

Dad answered, and when he picked up, he said, “Happy birthday!”

I heard Andy giggle. I laughed too, and of course, I had my mute on.

Dad called me right back, and I thanked them both for the plant. I also told them how much I loved one of the bracelets they sent, as well as other stuff in the package.

I told them what Andy got me and about my card and $5 from Dennis and Bea, my call from Tammy, and my package from Kim.

Then Ma said they couldn’t get me my b-day gift, as they were both sick. Then she said, “Do I tell her, Art?”

Dad said, “Well, we didn’t want to tell you, but we can’t leave here. We’ve been quarantined.”

I asked what they meant, and Ma said, “The health officials won’t let us leave cuz we have herpes. Therefore, we were never able to get you your present.”

I burst out laughing as I realized what they were talking about.

Then Ma said she wanted to get the phone rules straight (of course). She said she’d never accept any collect calls anymore, as they’re too expensive (she’s oh so poor). They’ll call me, but she doesn’t want to pay to talk to a machine. I told them my machine broke, so the phone company gave me one. She asked, “You ordered voice messaging?” I burst out laughing, and she said I could talk to Dad now. I told Dad that if my phone rang 4 times, hang up. Also, I’m constantly in and out of here, so I can’t guarantee I’ll answer when they call. I’m no longer a caged animal like I used to be.

10:53 PM

Before I get into what happened last night, I’ll first cover today’s events. Well, I still haven’t gotten Tammy’s check, as the mail’s running so much later due to the holidays.

Andy and I will be going to the swap meet tomorrow. He’ll buy what I want, and I’ll pay him back. I wish I knew what the amount of the check is. My guess is $25.

I picked up my picture today along with Mary, who was on her way to pick hers up at the same time. It came out so-so, but it sure could’ve come out better. I just don’t take so well to the camera.

Believe it or not, Jeff woke me up. Half the time I’ll always be woken up, no matter what, so it seems. This is understandable, though, cuz he was moving. He gave me more hangers, a plant, and this really nice, pretty, huge wicker basket with silk flowers and leaves in it.

I did some rearranging in here, but I sure do wish that I could still afford a 1-bedroom.

Dennis is fixing one of my speakers today, and tomorrow he’ll do the other one.

While I was at his place, I looked at the cat ads. There was only one possibility, but it was gone. He’s gonna leave tomorrow’s paper by my door in the morning, as he’ll be awake earlier than I’ll be.

I’ll leave him two rolls of paper towels with two funny notes on them.

Andy, who was here earlier, forgot his. He forgets everything.

He and Velma were over for a while. Andy made himself and me pork chops. Velma cut his hair and gave me a b-day card and a pretty purple hairbrush.

Andy and Velma were supposed to go back to his place to make a cake, but I guess he fell asleep. He hasn’t called, and I haven’t heard him over there.

While he was here, he gave me 6 pictures of Fay. So 3 will go to Nervous, and 3 will go to Fran.

I wonder what Randy’s been up to. I haven’t heard from him.

12/6/1992 Sunday 12:17 AM

Well, I’m not ready to fall asleep yet, and I probably won’t be till around 4:00, so why not write?

Before I forget, that guy Bill whom I met with Randy at the grocery store never called last Monday. I last talked to him on November 27th. He gave me the typical “I lost your number” line. He said something about going to L.A. for the weekend, but he’d call when he returned on Monday. He also gave me the number of some girl, Kathy, to call. She also hasn’t returned my call, so forget it. That tells me how serious they really are.

Andy did fall asleep, but I went over there anyway. Velma was watching TV, and finally Andy got up and frosted the cake, put candles on it, and they sang Happy Birthday.

Andy said to make a wish, but my 3 wishes are not grantable…being a singer, meeting a feminine gay woman, being able to quit smoking.

All else I’m happy with, so I didn’t make a wish.

Then I thought of two other wishes, but they’re also not grantable…becoming madly attracted to butches, and being able to have a career I hate or that bores me.

While I was there, I heard glass smashing in the parking lot. I checked Velma’s and Andy’s car, but they were fine. Then I realized I didn’t want to be seen in case someone did something bad and be connected to it. Stacey will try to pin whatever happened on me.

Tomorrow night I’ll probably do some letter writing. Maybe editing, too.

Tammy still never mentioned speaking with Sheila. At this point, however, I don’t really give a shit. I’ve got permission to be here. Period. And I’m not a murderer.

I’d never ever date a cop, even if she were drop-dead gorgeous. Some of them are good, like Mark and others I met. Others think they’re God, above the law, and can do anything. Well, not in my book.

12/10/1992 Thursday 5:45 PM

I sure do have lots to write about, so I’ll get on with it now. Bob called last night, and we spoke for 4 hours. He moved but is still in Turners Falls.

Fran also called, but not for long. He got beeped by an important call, so he said. Andy and I really wanted to talk to him, too.

I sent letters off to Bob, Fran, and Kim. Rather than send Kim those pictures, I’ll send her the negatives. Nervous oughta be sending back the few pictures I sent him. When and if he does, I’ll send them to Bob, who says he’s still gonna come out here with or without Christina.

I finally got Tammy’s letter last Tuesday. I had to pay 64 cents postage, but that’s OK. She never even used the negatives to copy pictures. She just helped herself to a few of the originals.

My guess on the amount of the check was right. It was $25. I’ve cashed it already cuz I’ve had to go to the bank for a new ATM card.

Stacey at the office made an agreement with me not to cash my check in till the 3rd of each month. Well, they goofed and cashed it in on the 1st, but they made up for it without giving me any shit. I rewrote a check for $15 less, as that’s the bounce fee. From now on, I won’t be giving them my check till the 3rd.

Speaking of SSI and SS, the yearly raise has gone through. SSI was $16, and SS was $426. Now SSI is $15, and SS is $439. SSI will be taking $10 of the $15 SSI check cuz of that bullshit overpayment. So, I should be getting $454, but I’ll only get $444.

Still not enough for a 1-bedroom.

My niece still has not written to me, but oh well.

Andy gave me tons of no-postage-necessary cards. Also, tons of letters. One card he got from Jayke, plus two letters from her. Also, a postcard from Jayke and his sister Linda from Paris. He’d been saving these up, and he gave me them to send to Nervous, which I will. I’ll also send Nervous my sister’s letter, the card from Mom and Dad that came with the plant they sent, cards from Andy, Velma, Tara, Dennis, and other stuff.

Randy had been really sick with the flu, but I saw him a few days after my b-day. I’d given him $5 to pick up 2–3 packs of smokes for me, as he had to go to the store. He ended up buying me a carton.

I’m really tired and very hungry, so I’ll have to continue writing later.

10:28 PM

Hunter’s coming on now, but I’ll write little by little on commercials.

I went to call Dennis yesterday just to say hi. His brother’s wife, Susie, answered, and she told me Bea had died. At the same time they’re grieving, they say it’s a blessing. She was really miserable and out of it. I can understand this, but the shocking thing is how fast she died. Less than 24 hours before she died, she was her usual self. I was over there for dinner, and she was functioning, despite the fact that she was out of it and wasn’t aware of what she was saying or doing.

Bea’s death got me thinking about my dad. She died so fast, and I was just talking to her the other day. My dad could call me one day, being his usual self. The next day, Mom could call, saying he died of a sudden heart attack or something.

11:40 PM

In 20 minutes, In the Heat of the Night comes on, so I’ll write for now.

Andy gave me a full-size picture of Gloria, which is on the cover of her Greatest Hits CD. Her hair looked pitiful, but her dress, shoes, and net stockings were nice. I put her picture in my photo album along with my pictures that Tammy sent back.

Tara was over a few nights ago. She picked out songs for me to tape for her. She’s gonna leave me her own blank tape one of these years. Tara’s not a flaky, forgetful airhead, so this goes to show how busy she is. She hasn’t even got the time to run a tape over here. I told her to leave it outside my door if she calls me and gets no answer.

Although the drawing of Tammy, Bill, and the girls came out sort of shitty, it’s nice to know it’s finally done.

I need to write 4 letters at this time to Nervous, Mom and Dad, Tammy, Lisa and Becky. I also need to finish coloring my poster, which is almost done.

Bob left me a message earlier while I was watching Hunter. He’ll call back.

I guess someone will soon be moving in down below me. I hope not, but no one has moved in next to Andy yet. When whoever moves in, I just hope they’re quiet and never home. I hope it’s one person who never has company and no kids! I fucking hate kids nowadays and can’t stand to be around them. Why, oh why, did I ever want a kid for half a second?

12/11/1992 Friday 12:47 AM

My show’s almost over, so I’ll be up writing for a while. I hope, though, that tomorrow I don’t sleep too late. It’s gonna be 72°, so I want to lie out by the pool. I was in it today, and it was like bath water, and it was beautiful. Chilly, though, when I got out. It was 70° today, or now yesterday, actually. Today, 72°, then 55° for the next two days, and 53° for the next two days after that. That’s a pretty quick and drastic change.

1:05 AM

Now I’ve got a few things to say about Kara. A few nights ago, she was over and we listened to tapes of convos and edits. We laughed our asses off and had a great time. Andy called at one point and the 3 of us spoke for a while. That was cool, but that’s as far as I can have them go. Andy’s friends are his friends and mine are mine. I don’t want him and Kara to talk on the phone or get together without me present. Even though Andy’s gotten better at not coming between my friends and me when he’s mad at me, or someone or something else, and Kara has more of a spine than lots of others I’ve known, it’s still too risky. There are two reasons why it’s a little risky. One is cuz I notice that sometimes the more I’m against something, the more Andy’s driven to push it on me. Not always, but sometimes, and it also depends on the situation. The second reason is cuz sometimes Andy’s extremely good at persuading people to his side and pitting them against me. He does know he’s been wrong about doing this to me in the past, and Kara certainly has way more of a mind of her own than Brenda did and others I’ve known. Kara knows better, but here’s an example of Brenda and the many others like her I’ve known. Brenda and I are alone. I say to her, “Andy walks too hard and it’s annoying and unnecessary.” Brenda says to me, “You’re right. I agree and it’d annoy me too.” Now Brenda and I are with Andy, and I say the same thing I said to her alone. But now Brenda says, “He’s a guy, so give him a break. Different people walk differently.” Kara’s much better than that.

5:40 PM

Before the phone rings again, let me finish with what I have to say about Kara. I tried to decide whether or not I should settle. Well, let’s just say there’s no way I can settle for anything and everything. I also don’t intend to be doing this all the time. I couldn’t anyway unless I went to bars and went after butches only. I finally realized what I’ve been realizing for a very long time now. The ultimate attraction isn’t meant to be; otherwise, God would send it. I’m 200% sure I’ll never get it on with a woman who’s not only feminine but whom I am very attracted to. So now I’m gonna go “in between.” I’m not gonna stay celibate all my life, and I’m not gonna settle for a man or an ugly woman. While Kara’s ugly, at the same time she isn’t. I like her personality, and we share a lot of the same opinions and beliefs. I’ve gotten to know her, and she’s very understanding of my situation and wouldn’t lose patience due to my not being used to being with a lover. She can go slowly and gently. We haven’t had sex yet, but she knows how I feel. I spoke with her, and I was honest with her. I told her everything I just wrote down. But instead of “You’re ugly, but you’re not,” I said, “You’re not my main preference, but you’re not a settlement either.” So it’s her call now. I’ll let her make the move if she wants sex that bad. I’ll only initiate so much; then it’s the other person’s turn. I’m sure it will be a little scary, awkward, and disappointing, but it gets a little easier to accept settling within reason. On the phone, when we spoke, she told me she was flattered. I didn’t expect anything different, especially when God always sets it up to be one-sided. I just wish God would let someone I’m attracted to break down and say, “OK, I’m not attracted to you, Jodi. You’re not what I want, but all who’s available at the moment, so let’s just go for it till I can find a butch or whatever I want.” If having lust were meant to be in my life, then maybe this would happen more often, but all I know is that if it doesn’t turn me on, I can probably have it.

Kara may soon be calling.

Andy will be making us hamburgers later.

I chatted with Mary, and while on my way back from the mailbox, I got a Chanukah card from Fran. What a surprise, huh? The last time Andy and I were speaking with Fran, he asked the funniest question. Fran asked, what is the difference between Hanukkah and Chanukah?

12/12/1992 Saturday 1:15 AM

Kara was over earlier and we had a nice chat and some laughs. Before she came over, there was a pledge drive on channel 8. Andy and I called one of the phone operators, and you could see him on TV answering the phone. When he asked if he could have my pledge, I said, “No, I need my pledge to dust my furniture.” I told him we didn’t have any money and that we were among the very few poor Jews. The guy said how much the station needed money, and I said, “I need money too, so who’s gonna pledge and raise money for me?”

This reminded me of the Jerry Lewis telethon in 1989 when Andy and I lived in Springfield. I’d call operator 23, if I could see her or him, then say I was operator 18 and ask if she could see me waving. I could then see the operator looking all around. Then the host of the telethon would eventually come on saying, “There has been phone trouble and New England Telephone is checking into it.”

2:30 AM

I hope the food stamps go up soon, but either way, they never give you enough.

Earlier, Andy made us burgers, which was nice. I’ll still need to go out and spend cash on food before the 15th.

I left a note on Dennis’s door the day after Bea died. I said I was sorry, but for him to call if he needed anything. I also wrote that I wouldn’t call or go over there till he got hold of me. I have not yet heard from him, and I hope he’s doing OK.

Now I’m gonna go back to the night of my birthday. Denny’s gives a free dinner and dessert on your birthday. That’s nice, but here’s the part that’s extremely bad business. You must eat there, and you can’t take your food home. A person should be able to order anything they want on their b-day as well as take their food home. We were gonna go to 2–3 Denny’s, order me dinner, have two bites of it, then take it home. The first Denny’s made me eat my dessert there, but they let me take my food to go. The second Denny’s wouldn’t let me take my food home. It was a stupid policy, and I was in a rowdy mood as it was.

Our waitress was no less than 6'4", and she and the manager wouldn’t budge on the issue. Andy went up front to grab a handful of napkins so I could wrap my food, but he let her take them away. Then I got mad. I ran up to her and screamed in her face that people do use napkins, and I grabbed them out of her hand. The girl looked absolutely terrified. She was scared shitless, and her eyes looked as if they were gonna pop right out of her head. Then I went and sat down and began eating my cake.

The manager came up to collect my dinner and salad. I yelled that I was still eating my cake, and she said, “OK, OK,” then ran from the table. When I finished half of my cake, I took mustard and poured it all over the rest of it. Then I jammed the bottle into it. As we were leaving, the manager went to check it out and said, “Oh, thank you very much. Have a happy birthday.”

I called out, “Thank you, I will.” Andy and I were cracking up about this all night.

12/13/1992 Sunday 12:50 AM

I got two hilarious cards from my parents today and $120! My bills are all paid, so I’m just gonna go shopping and have fun. It’ll be quite a while before I get the chance to again. I don’t need any journals now, so I’ll buy two books of stamps, some clothes, and maybe some of Linda’s old stuff on CDs. I should do this while I’ve got the chance.

Got some really cool cards from my parents. They were funny.

12/14/1992 Monday 3:10 PM

I feel miserable today. I am very congested, and I even took a decongestant, and I’m waiting for the doctor to call. My chest and back muscles are tight and lumpy. It feels horrible.

Greg’s gonna be back any minute to fix my water tank. In the shower, I only have hot water for 5 minutes. If I shave, I only have time to shave one leg before the water turns cold. If I wash my hair and then want to shave, I can’t cuz the water’s gone cold.

I still do have shit to write about, but I will do so some other time. I’m also pretty tired. I only slept a few hours.

12/18/1992 Friday 2:06 AM

I’ve been slacking off on my writing, and I do have a lot to write about. However, I can’t get in the mood right now. Most of what’s been going on isn’t too good, I’m sorry to say. Maybe tomorrow, after the tenth time maintenance wakes me up from downstairs, I’ll write. Never have I been happier about the weekend being right around the corner. Perhaps then I can get up when I want to.

12/19/1992 Saturday 4 AM

I have a million things to write about. I may as well get on with it now. The longer I put it off, the more I’ll have to update. The little things, I may forget. Out of all I have to write about, there’s only one horrible thing. Well, two actually.

Last Tuesday, I awoke to maintenance slamming the door below me. This was the only time it was a big favor, as I was wheezing very badly. I figured, “OK — I’m in Arizona. I’ll be fine after I’ve taken my meds and had coffee.” But no fucking way. I knew this attack was too much for me to fight. From the time I called 911 till the ambulance came, I thought I was gonna die. It was horrible and scary as all hell. They gave me an updraft and brought me to St. Joe’s, which was 20 minutes away. I never realized it was that far.

I was so mad, upset and frustrated. I had gone all this time since I was taken into Natchaug.

The previous night at 3 AM, Rachel had the ambulance here. She probably had an anxiety attack. I thought to myself, “This may be cruel, but thank God they’re not here for me.” Nine hours later, I was made to eat my words. I was really bummed out, but like the nurses and doctors said, this is a very bad time for all the asthmatics. The nurse said that there’s no place where I’d never have any problems. I told her I was in the ER 2–3 or more times a month back east. She said she could see it being worse there, but here it’ll only be around this time of year. I sure do hope so, and I actually do miss the summer.

Of all the times to need a ride, I couldn’t reach anyone. Andy was off, but he was out having work done on his car. Dennis wasn’t home; Tara was on her way to work, and Tonya wasn’t home. Finally, after 5 hours, I got hold of Andy.

While I was there, I was chatting with a beautiful girl named Pam. I gave her my phone number, but I know she’ll never call. Jennifer will never call either, but I’ll get to her later.

12/20/1992 Sunday midnight

Now I will finish my update on all that has been going on. Remember how I said I sent $23.95 to The Bedazzeler? Well, my check’s been lost in the mail somehow. That was this kit with colored stones that you staple onto your clothes. Tammy made a good suggestion, though. She said to look for it in an art store where I may save $5 or so.

Good God, I’m fucking freezing! Two seconds after the heat turns off, it’s so chilly in here. The day Gordy fixed my hot water tank, he put foam insulation around my doorframe. Look how much it helps.

I’ve written several letters, but I still have more to go. Last night I did some more editing. They were good, too. They were of Nervous. I’ve got many other people and many other tapes to edit, but I must go in order so I don’t get confused and get everything all mixed up.

I was pissed at Andy for erasing the 6 messages with edits I left him. He said he doesn’t have time in the morning to hear 20 minutes’ worth of stuff. No shit, but why didn’t he save it?

I’ve been erasing certain messages he’s left, but for entirely different reasons. He sings on my machine, which is fine once in a while, but when it’s constant, I get sick of it. It’s boring and he’s got to come up with something new and original, or just talk. The edits are always different. I never leave him the same edits over and over. His singing’s always the same and it’s the same Stevie stuff, stuff I don’t like, or stuff I don’t know.

I’m not too surprised that Steve never returned my letter or called. I am a little surprised that Cassandra has never called or written.

I’ve seen Dennis a few times since Bea died. He’s holding up OK. He’s not sure if he’s gonna stay in Phoenix or move elsewhere.

I haven’t written yet about December 6th. I looked in the Sunday paper and there was the perfect ad. It said: indoor, all-black, neutered & declawed cat — free to good home. Shots, papers, litter box trained, 4½ years old.

Dennis and I went to this gorgeous girl’s house to get the cat. He was gorgeous — all black with medium-length hair. Now here’s the sad part. He turned out to be just like that little kitten I had to dump. He’d sleep all day, be all lovey-dovey through the evening, then scream from midnight till dawn. It drove me crazy and kept me up when I would’ve been able to sleep. Luckily, I was able to call this girl (Julie), and she came to take the cat back. I figured three strikes, I’m out, and a cat isn’t meant to be right now. Moon Shadow was stolen, the kitten screamed all night, and this cat did too. I can’t have an indoor or outdoor cat. The outdoor one will be stolen, and the indoor one will scream.

12:30 AM

I just took a little break to make 3 scrambled eggs. Yum-yum and great for the cholesterol. But I’ve never had a problem with that so far. I’m cursed with other stuff.

Well, I know the security guard’s patrolling around, as I just heard the walkie-talkie. I wish Dave were still here, but he’s been promoted. Weird too, as he was definitely drinking on the job.

I sure don’t miss Ellie. Despite the few good and funny talks and laughs we had, she sure was a backstabbing, delusional wimp and a psycho. She always has 10 emotional and 10 physical problems a day, like Bob, but at least Bob’s no back-stabber. Bob also isn’t sweet, friendly and giggling one minute, then furious the next over something petty or something untrue. She, Robert, Mark, Donna, Rosemarie and Rick can all go fuck themselves.

So far, Stacey’s stayed off my back since she pulled her bullshit on me. But there’s been more anxiety and anger hanging around than I thought there’d be. Every day I drool over the thought of running into that office and mauling the shit out of her. Every day I must restrain myself from doing so. At first, I decided I would whenever I moved if she were still here. But I can’t, cuz she can always find out where I moved to and haul my ass into court. Bummer, huh? But an asshole like this is bound to be fired or resign, hopefully upon realizing just how many people she’s pissed off.

I was thinking of having Kara do me a little favor. Stacey’s never heard Kara’s voice, so maybe she can call and say, “I just spoke to your boss. My husband and I are tired of your harassment, so pack up your desk cuz you’re about to be out of a job.” She’ll be worried and confused, trying to figure out who the hell it could be.

At least I’ve never had problems with Judy or Paula.

The asthma attack was the worst news. Now I’ll get to the one other thing that wasn’t funny at all. I had gone into the hospital at 12:30 PM and came home around 6 PM. Even though I was beat and a major attack like that will wipe you out, I couldn’t sleep due to all the meds they gave me. Theodur and all the other stuff really wind you up. I couldn’t fall asleep till 4 AM, but I figured that was fine cuz I had no place I had to be the next day. I have had a feeling for some time now that I’m just not meant to sleep half the time when I want to and get up when I want. I said, “God, if you care about me at all, please let me get the sleep I so desperately need.”

Sure enough, at 10:30 AM, Everett knocked on my door. I said, “This better be good,” and I explained to him what happened the previous day. He said there may be a leak in my toilet or an overflow in the bathtub. I insisted there was no leak and that my bathroom floor was dry. He left, and every 15 minutes till 2 PM, they were banging the fuck out of the bathroom ceiling below me. At 12:30 PM, Mike came up, saying the wax ring had broken and I couldn’t see the leak as it was between my floor and the downstairs ceiling. He said he’d be back at 2 PM, and before he explained all this, I went off on him. I said I didn’t want those guys here unless I filled out a work order.

The attack happened on the 15th. This happened on the 16th. At 2 PM, the knock on the door came that I so unfortunately expected. Guess who Mike and Everett had escorting them? None other than sweet little Stacey. When I opened the door, they were standing halfway down the stairs just like Ellie was. If I’d been more with it, I’d have fallen to the floor laughing. Stacey just said, “Hi, Jodi.”

I told them all what had happened to me. Stacey left, the guys did their thing, then left me the fuck alone. Leave it to God to leave it to me to have this happen on a day when I feel the absolute shittiest.

The next night I also fell asleep at 4 AM, fearing I’d be woken up at 8 AM and get sick or feel like shit. They didn’t wake me up till 1 PM when they slammed or banged something. At least they let me sleep 9 hours, even though I woke up here and there in between, but I always do anyway. Friday, Saturday, and today, nothing woke me up. Maybe I’ll sleep OK this week, then with my luck it’ll be one thing after another the next week, and it’ll just go back and forth like that.

Why do I have a feeling that they’re making up some of these problems? I feel that after they’ve taken care of legit stuff, they’ll be down there anyway, per orders from Stacey when they’re not busy with legit stuff. This is perfect for her to use against me, with nothing I can do about it. She knows my schedule and a lot of my moves, remember? Even though Kara and I combed these vents and found nothing, people are weird. I wouldn’t be surprised if she set something up without my knowledge, as technology’s amazing and a little frightening these days. If they have the money, means, manpower, and curiosity, you never know just how far people will go.

There was once a time when Gordy knocked 4 times. I never answered cuz I didn’t know who the hell it was and he woke me up and I was bushed. Then 15 minutes later he knocked again and yelled, “Hey, Jodi, are you in there? It’s Gordy.” It was all as if he were so sure I was in there. How’d he know? They’ve seen me up and about at all different hours and leaving the property. How’d he know I wasn’t out?

2:10 AM

I just stopped to make coffee, and Andy called a half-hour ago to say good night.

There were 3 Christmas cards on top of the mailboxes with no apartment number on them. One day Andy took two and the next day I took one. They were addressed to some guy. Two were from Houston and one was from Phoenix. I’m sending them to Nervous. I don’t understand why Pete left them on top of the mailbox just cuz there was no apartment number. I’ve gotten mail with no apartment number put in my box.

I also got returned to me a letter I sent Nerv, saying there was 10¢ postage due cuz of irregular size. Irregular size my ass. I’ve sent thicker envelopes before. The other five made it to him OK, I guess. There was a total of six, believe it or not. There were tons of cards and letters and I could only put 2–3 in each envelope.

I’ve decided what I’m gonna do if my pictures don’t come when my guitar comes. This will hurt for a while, but I’m gonna ditch certain pictures. I really do believe now that my mom trashed them. That really pisses me off, but maybe it can become a favor for me in a weird way I won’t get into now.

12/21/1992 Monday 1:45 AM

An hour ago, I began to feel tired, but as usual, I lay down only to wake up.

I wonder what maintenance will decide to do downstairs tomorrow.

I’m fucked at the end of this month. Andy’s sister Marla is coming in for 4 days, which is fine. The bad catch to it is that her 4-year-old son has to come along too, unfortunately. I’m gonna tell Andy he has a right to his own company, but it better not interfere with my peace. His guests are for his ears only.

Kara would let me stay with her, but I can’t. How can I sleep with a baby there, let alone 3 adults?

I also made a rule that anyone who wakes me up is gonna get woken up in return. No matter what schedule they’re on or I’m on. I’ve got a right to my schedule as they do to theirs.

Unless I get a package, I hope and pray I sleep OK this week.

Kara’s been over several times a week. Our friendship’s really grown and is a very good one. She’s heard lots of tapes of edits and convos and they really crack her up. She’s so much like Andy and me, and I really need that. More so now as Andy’s on a day schedule always and works full-time.

I’ve edited Kara a little and Andy did a very funny favor for her the other day. He called Brian, a guy she slept with a few times, but turned out to be a flaky, undependable drunk. He hit on Brian, who went off big time with another male and a female friend. Before he did this, I left some edits for him. Kara and I didn’t know the girl’s name, and with all the names to guess, I said Rachel, which turned out to really be her name.

Kara met Tonya earlier. I called Tonya for some cigarettes when I woke up. I went over to get them and we chatted for a while. Then I gave her money to pick me up two packs of smokes on her way back from the gym. Tonya also came over here today as I wanted to show her this killer outfit I got at the mall. I also wanted to show her the new chair I got, my plant that Mom and Dad sent, and that wicker jug of silk flowers Jeff gave me. I also showed her my pictures that Tammy sent me back and basically my place, which has come a long way since I’ve been here.

I’d still kill for a 1-bedroom. I need the extra space (especially closet space).

I got that black lace skirt I wanted for some time now. It’s got a solid black silk lining inside, then lace on the outside. I like this so I don’t have to wear my black tights under it as I did with my all-lace skirt. I also bought an awesome camisole, which is pink and black.

I got a full-length mirror and a chair that’s not a regular chair from the thrift shop. It’s a round saucer-like thing on a wicker stand. There’s a soft round cushion on it and you can even pull it off to lie on the floor or whatever. It was priced at $40, but I talked the guy down to $20. Andy once again said that if he needs to buy anything expensive, he’s sending me in there.

I also donated all my 45s and albums. I'd better tape backup copies in case the originals get eaten up.

I’m not sure if I mentioned the glitter glue I got at the grocery store. I thought it was a glitter pen and it said, “glitter pen.”

My parents called a few days ago and I told them how much I loved their cards. We talked about stuff in general, but I did not tell them about my attack. I told Tammy, who called a few days after they did. Tammy and everyone else in the family have been very busy. She said they’re putting together a Chanukah package for me. That’s unexpected but nice. She also said she got a kick out of my joke in one of my letters. This is the joke: Q: What do lesbians on a diet eat? A: Jenny Craig. She asked me what Mom and Dad said when I told them I got a phone. I wonder why she asked me that, but I didn’t think to ask her. She liked the picture I sent her.

I wonder if Mom and Dad got the package I sent them of the geeky grandma clothes they sent down to my other apartment. They never mentioned it and I forgot to ask. There’s always so much to tell and ask that it’s hard to keep track of everything. I do usually write notes, which I refer to when I write their letters.

Tonya and Tara are going home to Canyon City, Colorado for Christmas, and she said she may need me to feed her two birds. It’d be nice if they were gone while Andy’s sister and nephew are here so I could stay there.

I polished my nails blue last night. My parents’ favorite! Kara saw it and she really liked it, so I did hers too.

I wonder just what’s taking Nervous so long to send me back my pictures? I’ve always been able to trust him around my stuff. With money and anything. There’s only one thing I’m pretty sure he stole, and that’s a pair of black bikini underwear. Brenda, I think, also stole two pairs and one of them she’d always say she liked. Luckily, that’s all she stole.

3:06 AM

I wish to hell it were summer again. I miss the outdoors, the pool, and living on my patio. It feels like I’m back in MA during the night and early morning. They did say it’s “amazingly cool,” so that’s cool. It’s normally not this chilly, but I’m shocked, just like Andy was his first winter here. Right after the heat turns off, it’s chilly in here. As my dad said, where he is, it’s the warmest in the nation. The good thing about it is that it won’t be long before it warms up again. Winter will be about 4 months rather than 8–9.

I just hope I can tan somehow and not get sun poisoning. If I always have to wear sunscreen, I’ll be forever cursed with being white. You can’t tan with sunscreen. Another reason why I want summer to hurry up and return is due to the fact that my asthma should be much better. Since mid-October, it’s been bad for all asthmatics.

I can’t wait till my family can come see me. Dad said maybe in the summer. I told him he’d have to stay in a hotel. He agreed, as they’ll have the dogs. I figured they’d drive out rather than fly. I wonder how Tammy, Bill and the girls will get out of here? I guess they’ll fly. I figure they can’t take the added days to drive. Unless Tammy and Bill want to experience it for themselves, and especially the girls. This way, they can all see more states besides Arizona.

4:06 AM

Well, I’m still wide awake, naturally. If I fall asleep around 6:00, believe it or not, I hope something does wake me up at 11:00 or so. I’d just have to stay up and hope I don’t feel shitty. If I can back up my schedule a few hours each day, that’d be nice. I’d kind of like to be waking up early for a while so I can do more during the day. Maintenance or some other source will wake me up. Probably the lawnmowers. It’d be nice to get woken up by UPS at 11:00, but they usually don’t come that early. I’m not expecting any packages so soon, anyway.

Well, it’s going to be 62º today. The days are usually like beautiful spring days.

The day maintenance was here, which was the day after my attack, I gave a few donations to the child protective services and the food bank. All the maintenance guys, the housekeeper, Judy, Paula and Stacey were out collecting stuff. I felt it fair to do my share for two reasons. One was cuz my childhood was no bowl of cherries; two is cuz that food bank helped me while the food stamp people were busy taking me for a ride at first. I gave some extra drawing markers and some baked beans, which I don’t really like.

Before doing so, I heard movement outside my door, and when I went out to check, there was a candy cane on my doorknob. Then I saw Everett and the housekeeper (whose name I don’t know) passing by with a shopping cart. Everett said he thought I was still asleep. I said I wish.

I should go wash my face, which is severely broken out now. I mean major zits.

I’ve done a lot of editing and have given Andy back one of his 100-minute tapes. I have half of one side of the second 100-minute tape to do. I also have his “best of calls” tape I promised long ago I’d edit. Lastly, I have several of my own to finally get edited.

Then I have two posters to color, letters to write, and 4 40-page stories to write. I’ll be busy with all this for quite a while, but it’s better than not having anything to do. Still, I need more than journal writing and letter writing.

Oh yeah. I just remembered another long-put-off and forgotten project: a new Gloria medley, now that I’ve got all her stuff on CDs. I still don’t have her Greatest Hits yet, but I will. I wish I had Linda’s latest and all the songbooks ever put out by Linda and Gloria and all their tour books that were ever made.

I want my fucking pictures back. Why would my mom ditch them? What purpose is there for that? Cuz she thought having them was childish or something? Well, that should be for me to decide and not her. They were my pictures.

12/25/1992 Friday 2 AM

The last few days were not too cool, especially the first four days of the week, but they’re better today.

I had my second fight with Andy since I got here. He told me that for four days at the end of January, his sister and nephew are gonna be here. I called and said on his machine that I was gonna try to find a place to stay. I don’t really feel like staying here and listening to a 4-year-old kid bounce off the walls whether I’m awake or not. That part was OK for me to say, but then I’ll admit my anxieties took me a little too far. I told him that if I went through four days of hell, I’d get him back for it. In my mind, getting back meant slamming my doors and banging shit all over. He called me, and naturally, he was all pissed and freaking out with paranoia and demanded his key back. He said, “Either get evicted or give me my key back.” I laughed, reminding him he can’t just run to the office, say he’s pissed at me, and demand I be evicted. The key thing was amusing too, as he’s known me long enough and he knows well enough to know I’d never fuck up his place. With the exception of Ellie, who was never my best friend and who did a severely raunchy thing, I have to be seriously provoked to do something that drastic. Or one would have to swing at me first or go after my stuff. He knows this very well, but it was something to do and to try to piss me off, but I knew where he was coming from. So he said banging and slamming things wouldn’t accomplish anything, and he can’t help the way his nephew is.

So I figured, OK, he’s right about that part. We all say stuff we shouldn’t or didn’t really mean. I went too far; let him call me when he’s ready. So the next day, I finished editing the second 100-minute tape of his. I left a message saying I was gonna leave his unfucked-up tape outside his door, and I did. I returned his key the previous day.

I figured he would never call for me to do his laundry. If he did, I’d have let him know how much of a nerve he’s got. If he can’t trust me in his apartment, how can he trust me with his laundry? He did do his own laundry, then the final straw, the last bit of shit to hit the fan, was the next day, which would be yesterday. I stayed up till noon so I could sleep later. I needed to sleep until 8 PM at least. Sure enough, though, at 5 PM, he was slamming the fuck away in his bathroom. That was it. I was ripped, shitting pissed. My heart was beating so hard and so fast. I was so damn exhausted and felt like total shit.

I left him a message, as he’d not dare ever leave his ringer on. I told him I started the first little dispute, but this one he instigated. I don’t know what the fuck set him off, I said, but as long as he was going to play this game, I’d play right along.

Kara came over, and I was telling her all about it. Then I slammed my doors for quite a while. After he’d gone to sleep, I was gonna slam my doors, but I figured he’d have a hard enough time sleeping because of the anxiety of wondering if I was gonna slam doors. I stopped the door slamming around 10:00 and figured that was maybe enough to scare the message into him.

I then called to leave another message. I told him I cannot physically handle the stress anymore, and I need to sleep. If he lets up on me, I’ll let up on him.

So earlier (Christmas Eve), we spoke. I asked if he remembered our agreement, which was that neither of us would wake the other up if we got into a fight. He also told me slamming doors wouldn’t accomplish anything, so why does it accomplish anything for him? Especially after two days—you’d think the steam would be cooling off. I apologized for some things I said, but let him know that what he did wouldn’t cut it, as I have a major sleeping disorder. I’m hyper and my meds make it worse. It accelerates my heart, making me a light sleeper, along with being scarred from the projects. I used to be able to function occasionally on a few hours of sleep, but I just can’t do that anymore without feeling shitty. I told him, though, that now knowing how the building is, I would always be a day person if I had my way. Thank fucking God the building’s not like the NHA.

Andy was telling me how everywhere I’ve gone, there’s been a problem. True, but that’s life. Every living place and job has its good and bad—some more good, some more bad, some all good, some all bad. I’m also beginning to suspect that God may’ve put a curse on me as far as noise and shitty neighbors go, beginning with the NHA. Nonetheless, it never was my fault that Woodside Terrace and Locust St. got so bad. It was never my fault that Kim abandoned me. It never was my fault that Tammy and I were told the NHA was quiet when it wasn’t. It was never my fault that the walls of the NHA were paper-thin, and it was infested with 10,000 screaming kids.

I reminded him that there’s always a problem at each of his jobs. He had problems with the people above him on Belmont Ave. in Springfield. He had problems renting a room with some woman named Gail. He had problems with Donna, Diana and other people when he first got here. In his first apartment here, the neighbors below him bitched about his nephew. And besides me, he’s had problems and complaints about this building. The people who used to live next to him and Rachel and Tony were always slamming their doors. Whether or not all these problems were none, partially, or all his fault, this is just life.

So I said all I had to say and told him I didn’t feel like fighting with him or anyone else, for that matter. He agreed, and we dropped it.

4:44 AM

At around 9 AM yesterday morning, I went to get a package from Fingerhut I’d forgotten all about. It was full of Tupperware, and it also had a key rack that I had already gotten from them when I was in S. Dfld.

Andy came over at 8:30, an hour and a half after I got up, and I gave him the key rack and some Tupperware. Then at 9:30 Kara came over, and I gave her some more Tupperware as I definitely don’t need all of it. She brought me some hangers. While she was here, we filled out no-postage-necessary cards to Nervous, Fran, Bob, and Bobbie. We also listened to tapes, ate popcorn, and she wrote a page to Fran. I can’t wait for the two of them to talk on the phone. Fran and Kara will love it and have a field day with each other.

I’m so glad to have met a friend other than Andy who’s so much like me. I can be myself, and Kara loves the tapes of both the edits and convos. She knows all our major “lines” now, and now she’s writing funny letters with me. You always think when you first move somewhere that you must start all over. Get a new group of friends. Friends who are honest, understanding, have that same weird sense of humor, and let you be yourself. Of course, you still meet 10 jerks for every good person you meet.

Speaking of a jerk named Rosemarie, well, payback’s due. I figured I’d wait 5–6 months to appear less obvious and egg her car. On her way home, Kara dropped an egg on her windshield. Now, I’m sure to be punished for this, but then again, I don’t know. It’s been a year now, almost, since I could sleep and get up when I say so, and things go wrong even if I behave. And I’ve never been more behaved than I am now for a long time. No phone calls.

To change the subject now, I still have those fucking annoying and itchy discharges from downstairs. I give up, as I’ve no idea what the fuck to do. It’s incurable.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard from Jessie or Cassandra, but not surprised I haven’t heard from Steve. No pictures yet from Nervous or from mom. I’m sure now they both trashed them. Fran left a message earlier saying Happy Chanukah and that he’s gonna be sending me a letter. Great! Fan-fucking-tastic! Just what I’ve been dying for. With all the letters I send him, it’s only fair. I figured sooner or later he’d get into it, too. Bob also left me his “liquid plumber cappuccino” message. Back when he’d threaten to kill himself with lye, I’d tell him he'd better make it a liquid plumber cappuccino.

I’m gonna leave a thank-you note for Pete the mailman. Stacey refused packages in other names out of spite. Thanks to Pete, he left a package two days ago by my door in Lisa S’s name. So Stacey doesn’t realize that, in a way, she’s done me a favor. Some will be delivered right to my door.

The package was a porcelain doll, anyway. It’s pretty, even though it’s made up to be old-fashioned. It’s a girl in a light blue nightgown holding a teddy bear. There’s a matching bonnet on her head, and she’s got green eyes and blond curly hair. Stevie hair, Andy said.

12/26/1992 Saturday 2:38 AM

I am so damn bored right now. I have plenty I could do, but I just don’t feel like it at the moment. I have those stories to start, editing to do, a new Gloria medley to make, and coloring my velvet posters. My letter writing can hold off till after the first of the year.

Andy called me at 6:30 this morning. I answered since I was awake and had my ringer on. He was on his way to work and was saying how more and more he needs and wants to quit smoking.

At 8:00 or 9:00 this morning, I fell asleep and thankfully awoke on my own at almost 6:00 in the evening. The weird thing is that I haven’t even heard him quietly walking around. Not a peep. Not even his toilet has flushed since I awoke, and there’s no way you can not hear that. Toilets flushing don’t bother me, but where could he be?

Yesterday, Bob and Fran left messages, but no word from them yet. They’ll try again when I’ve stepped out, when my ringer is off, or when I’m asleep.

Last night, I continued reading back in my journals. I read number 5, which wasn’t too bad. Some of it was interesting and funny, but I sure was naïve. I guess soon I’ll start reading number 6.

I’m sure Rosemarie discovered her egged car by now. Serves you right, bitch!

12/27/1992 Sunday 3:51 AM

Yesterday turned out to be pretty productive. I wrote letters to my parents, Tammy, Lisa, Becky, and Fran.

I junked the bed frame I put out on the patio. I really don’t need it, and with me being so small, I can handle the bed being a little lower.

I scrubbed the hell out of the kitchen. No wiping around things either—I took everything off the countertops. I want, and still need, to do the whole place, but I was getting way too tired and dizzy.

I fell asleep at noon, woke up shortly after 6:00, heard him stomp a few times, then finally got up at 9:00.

Fran called at 10:15, and we spoke for about 15 minutes.

I just finished Kim’s letter tonight. Next, I’ll work on Fran’s and Nervous’s. Bob will only be getting one more letter since he claims he’s leaving soon. I’ll send it right after the New Year. I typed up several envelopes last night: about nine for Tammy, nine for Becky and Lisa, and nine for Mom and Dad. There are also six for Fran, six for Nervous, and six for Kim. I think stamps are going up, but even if they stay at 29 cents, it’s costly, and it does add up. I won’t stop writing to them permanently, but I’ll slow down quite a bit. I’ll explain this to Kim, but not Nervo or Fran. I’ll keep them expecting and wondering why they’re not getting all their letters. I’ll write to my family as often as I do now.

I’m still doing a little something for Tammy, Mom, and Dad. I’ve got colored paper, about 4x6, and I’m making calendars. I’m making one for myself too, as I had this tiny little microscopic calendar I didn’t like. I could barely see it, yet my eyes are fine. My teddy bear calendar is on my refrigerator, and the ones I made are taped to my bedroom wall. Actually, I’m typing them. I can fit four months on one piece of paper, so there will be three pieces to each calendar.

Time out for a smoke.

4:19 AM

Well, Andy quit smoking for 27 hours, he told me on my machine in the early evening. I’m to try to follow when I run out of cigarettes, which will be very soon. I’ve decided to take the healthier misery—always crave one and get fat. I’d also like to get off the Theo due to its side effects, even though they’re a joke compared to the Navane. Anything’s better than TD, but it causes dry skin, hair, and nails. Makes my stomach gassy and bloated, and it revs me up way more than I naturally already am. I have my own natural source of energy. Quitting smoking and getting off my meds won’t always keep me on a schedule, but it’ll help a little. The cravings will suck, and I’m sure they’ll never go away. You get constipated for a while, retain water, and your metabolism drops. This is why they say to drink lots of water. I’ll die by 30 for sure if I don’t quit. I wrote up a list of the positives and negatives of quitting.

The positives are: I’d breathe better, sing better, save money, improve my immune system, get off meds, and rid myself of bad side effects. The negatives are the cravings and the weight gain.

5:25 AM

I just made some coffee and emptied the dishwasher.

I put together a list of 15 exercises for each of the major muscle groups.

In a few hours, I really must finish the house cleaning, which I got so sick of. I’m not into it like I used to be, but it needs to be done. My asthma and allergies will appreciate it. I must clean the bathroom, dust, and vacuum.

Kara’s mom is returning from Williams (a 4-season area). She is fighting with her boyfriend. So now it’ll be Kara, Ashley, and Kara’s mom and stepdad.

I’m a little disappointed in Kara’s mom, Alana. The phone is in Alana’s name, and I asked Kara to ask her if she could call Boston for the hospital's ZIP code. I’d pay, of course, but Alana said no. Can’t she trust her daughter’s friends? Plus, I did her a favor for their Thanksgiving dinner. I lent her two bowls, so she could’ve returned the simple little favor, which would’ve been under a buck.

Well, since Tammy said she liked the last joke I sent her, she oughta enjoy this one too. I told her that if anyone ever asks her how her sex life with Bill is, she can say this:

Quarter after 1, we’re having some fun in the bedroom.

Quarter after 2, he took off my shoe.

Quarter after 3, he put his hand on my knee.

Quarter after 4, he threw me on the floor.

Quarter after 5, we began to jive.

Quarter after 6, he grabbed my tits.

Quarter after 7, it felt like heaven.

Quarter after 8, he stuck it up straight.

Quarter after 9, we are doin’ fine.

Quarter after 10, we do it all again.

Well, Rosemarie must be pretty pissed right now, also wondering who the fuck could’ve egged her precious little car. I still expect punishment for this, but it hasn’t come yet. I’m about to get my period, so I hope the cramps won’t be bad. Although some things could be much, much worse. Maybe she’s owed more than payback for pissing me off, and God’s having me punish her? Who knows? Time will tell. I think she knows I moved, but of course not where to. She heard me telling someone on the payphone I was about to move, so she may not even know I’m still at this complex. Maybe she saw me hanging out with Ellie last summer and asked her, but I’m not really worried about it now. She’s an asshole and a half, although I still very occasionally fantasize about her. About every 2–3 months, I have sex with her in my mind, but she doesn’t know it. In this fantasy, she’s left Rick. I transfer to a 1-bedroom right next to her. Eventually, we speak, and yes, it was paranoia caused by Rick. Also, her own private little fantasies kept in the closet. But in time, little by little, I bring her out of that closet.

These fantasies will always be the story of my life—the sex stories of my life, I should say. I do know now and am 100% sure I’ll always be celibate unless I settle. As for Kara, well, I still don’t know yet.

10:20 AM

I am getting very tired. Soon I’ll be going to bed and praying that Andy doesn’t wake me up.

I cleaned everything but the bathroom. Tomorrow I’ll do that. Cleaning this place sure doesn’t take long because it’s so small, and I only have 10 shelves of furniture to dust. I do dust the stuff on the shelves. I did that a little while ago, along with vacuuming the carpet. Tomorrow I’ll clean the bathroom and vacuum the floor and the kitchen floor. Of course, they both take three minutes each.

As I said a while back, I changed my mind on my suspect for the firecrackers. At first, due to the timing and coincidence, I thought it was Stacey. It still very well could be, but I think it’s more like something Robert would do.

I took a piece of plain paper and wrote in bold capital letters, “I know about the firecrackers.” I put it in a regular envelope and wrote only his address and name in bold black marker. I put it on top of the mailboxes. So, if it’s him—and I’m fairly sure it is—I’d like him to know that I know.

A guy who lives in the building next to me gave me a couple of smokes, as I couldn’t hold out. Kara came over with Ashley, and she gave me a couple, too. This is good, as I really need to at least cut down first. I couldn’t have her stay long, as I’m beat. I couldn’t stand it when Ashley screamed, so I was anxious to get her out of here.

I told her to check out Rosemarie’s car, and she says it looks like she hasn’t discovered it yet. Guess she’s stayed in all weekend.

Due to being blessed with being able to wake up when I do on my own for the last three days, I hope this doesn’t mean I now must wake up when Andy slams his door too hard, or when he gets out of control with stomping, or because of someone else’s door. About 70% of the time in the last year, I’ve been woken up by someone or something. When’s it gonna stop? When can I depend on not being woken up 90% of the time? In a week’s time, I’ve been woken up between 2 and 6 times. I’m sick of this shit. So sick of it!

12/28/1992 Monday 12:10 AM

Yesterday afternoon, I fell asleep around 1:00. I awoke at 8:30 on my own, but still, I knew my luck would run out. Andi next door has a very large family, which I noticed last summer. Well, she’s got 10–15 boys over there now! They’re around junior high to high school age. This is just great. School doesn’t start till next Monday, and I hope and I pray they won’t be here that long—or I’ll die. Tomorrow, late morning or early afternoon, I’m sure I can count on being woken up constantly. Doesn’t Andi still have to work? What will they all do while she’s gone? How long will they all be here?

Well, I got my period, and luckily I don’t have cramps.

Right now, it is raining out. I hope the letter I stuck in the mailbox earlier for Kim didn’t get drenched. In this particular mailbox, the rain can easily get in. I also put Robert’s note on top of the mailboxes, and I hope that it’s not drenched and that the wind didn’t blow it away.

Shortly after I got up, Kara came over.

I also spoke to Randy, who gave me the TV Time section. He’s been really sick.

I hope Dennis doesn’t move real soon. I’ll call him today or tomorrow and see what he’s up to. Also, maybe we can do errands together.

Andy called one of the Boston hospitals. I asked for the zip codes for both hospitals, and tomorrow I’ll mail in all the information to Dr. Kareus. I’ve also signed the release of information papers. Tomorrow I’ll sew a torn pocket in a pair of Andy’s pants to return the favor. Of course, I’d still do it anyway just to help a friend.

I wonder if I’ll get Tammy’s package this week.

I just hope and pray to God to get rid of Andi’s many, many, many guests tomorrow before I go to sleep. However, I’m sure that’s wishful thinking and dreaming. With my luck, they’ll be here a few days at least, if not till next Monday. I knew my luck had to run out sooner or later. But if Andi’s got to work, I can’t see her leaving 10–15 kids here all by themselves—even though they’re not little kids.

God, just make them disappear tomorrow! Poor Mary. She must be having a blast having to be underneath this shit.

Kara says there are still eggshells on Rosemarie’s car, even though it’s pouring steadily out there. Kara and Andy say it takes 2–3 years for eggs to wear off—unless she gets it professionally cleaned. I believe she can afford to do so. Andy and I know it takes a long time for eggs to wear off because of what happened two years ago. We were out throwing eggs when I threw one so hard that it bounced back and splattered a little on the passenger’s door.

2:15 AM

I can still hear some movement next door. The sad part is that I can’t call the office about it. They won’t do anything, as the only way to shut kids up (especially 10–15 of them) is to totally get rid of them. Plus, they’ll only tell me she’s allowed to have company like anyone else. But 10–15 guests? I just wish I knew they’d be leaving tomorrow morning permanently. That’d sure ease my mind, but I doubt I’ll be that lucky. Why does shit like this always have to happen to me?

I also can’t wait for whoever it’ll be to move downstairs. That oughta be one hell of a blast.

If Dennis is to be here January 23–26, I’ll have to see if I can stay at his place to avoid listening to—and feeling—Andy’s nephew bounce off the walls.

So, Nervous did rip me off after all. It’s a good thing I already have copies of the ones I sent him. This is why I first did this as a test. Now I know never to send him pictures I have no copies of. If he’d sent them back, I would’ve sent them to Bob. But if Bob comes here or sees Kim’s copies, I’ll send them to Fran. When and if Kim sends back the negatives—and I believe she will—I’ll still send those to Nervous. Whether or not he develops them is a different story. He probably will out of curiosity, but if he does, he does, and if he doesn’t, he doesn’t.

I wonder if he’s still not smoking. It’s been almost three days for Andy, that lucky little shit.

I wonder just when my mom is gonna send me my other guitar. I’m not ever counting on seeing all my other pictures that ended up in Florida. However, I won’t yet dump the part of my collection that made it out here. When I do, though, I’ll only dump part of it.

2:45 AM

If the rain continues, I wonder if the people who mow the lawn will call it off. Last week, I cranked up my radio and slept right through it.

A great time for my family to come and see me would be late May or early June, before my lease is up. This way, they can see my studio if I do move on June 10th or 15th, when it expires. There are no models for studios. There’s a model for the large and small 1-bedroom and for the 2-bedroom. Is there one for the medium-sized 1-bedroom? I do not know. I’d love for Mom, Dad, and Tammy to see these models. Not the small 1-bedroom, though. It’s barely bigger than a studio. I may only be able to afford the 1-bedroom over at the Via El Camino complex, where Kara is. I’d really rather stay here and find a way to convince my parents to up their monthly help a bit. If they could see in person how much more beautiful this complex is and its 1-bedrooms, maybe that’d work. I really, really do need that extra space. I especially need its closet.

It would make my day if they’d turn the studio below me into a model. They’d put furniture in it too, making it less hollow. Sounds would be absorbed much better this way. This is why Andy can’t hear my TV unless he’s in his bathroom. Not that TVs bother me like slamming, sliding, and banging, but I can never hear his TV either unless I go into my bathroom.

In 1993, I hope to be in a bigger apartment!

12/29/1992 Tuesday 7:17 AM

Yesterday was an absolutely miserable day. Last night, too. It just goes to further my belief that God will never let me sleep, no matter where I go. I also believe this definitely still would’ve happened even if I never had Kara egg Rosemarie’s car. Mary downstairs got the worst of it, but we both suffered pretty badly. The end results, however, are positive. I think they are, but let me start at the beginning. It’s almost like I was back at the NHA. I swear there’ll never be any escape! There’s always gonna be one thing after another.

Last night at midnight, I asked them to keep it down. It didn’t work. I pounded the wall once, then at 1:00 AM, they went to sleep. At 8:00 yesterday morning, I called Mary downstairs, who’d thought what I thought—that she was moving. She said they kept her up late, driving her crazy. She said they began the same thing an hour ago at 7:30. I told her how many kids were there and that my speaking to them twice never worked. I also told her that one of the boys (they were all boys) said they’d be there all week. No fucking way.

Mary insisted at first that Andi was out, as her truck was gone. Yet she’d been there the whole time, and we didn’t know it yet. Mary said someone in her huge family must have a house, so why don’t they go there rather than to a tiny studio? Good question. Then she said, “Nothing against the Mexicans and their huge families, but where there’s one, there are fifty.”

No shit! Then, with me on the line listening quietly, she called the office. She said she was sick, and she really was and needed her rest. She needs to go to work, so they'd better do something if they want her to go to work so she can pay the rent. Paula answered and said something about getting a letter up to them.

After Mary spoke to Paula, she and I ran to Circle K, where I picked up 2 packs of cigarettes, 3 candy bars, a pack of gum, and some milk. I returned to them, slamming and banging, and I called Paula. I told her how many people were there and how they’d been going on the previous night. I also told her I was considering breaking my lease and looking for a place elsewhere. There have been too many problems here, but I’m sick of being woken up. The complex is beautiful and so are the apartments, but the walls are too thin. No, they’re nowhere near as thin as the NHA, but still too thin. The thickest walls were at Woodside Terrace and Oswego Street. I miss walls like that. I can only deal with a little outside noise at this point. I hate it when the kids scream, but at least you can’t feel that. I just turn on my radio, even though there are times when I want total quiet. At least there is a way out of hearing the kids by turning on the radio, but there’s no escaping all those bumps and bangs you can feel. Kara said you wouldn’t hear this if it were at her complex. Maybe her walls are thicker due to how cheap her electric bills are. When I was at her place for Turkey Day, she had her heat turned off, and it was just a furnace in there.

11:19 AM

Continuing—and hopefully finishing—next door’s story: I spoke to Paula once, and Mary spoke to her twice. After Mary called for the third time, believe it or not, it was Stacey who went to talk to them. I stood by my door listening. She said they had way too many people and there were many complaints. Also, to stop slamming and banging, and no jumping on sofas. Andi bullshitted her in defense by saying she understands, but that I do it too—which is total BS, naturally. I could’ve sworn I heard Stacey say she understands my situation, whatever she meant by that. I heard Andi say they were leaving tomorrow (today), and I knew they’d shut up only temporarily. I knew this about as well as I knew my luck would run out after sleeping well for four days.

So, I got those Boston zip codes from Andy and mailed my mail. I watched some talk shows on TV, and their noise subsided—not completely, but somewhat. I figured, with kids being kids, it’d have to start back up sooner or later.

I fell asleep at 1:30 PM. Sure enough, at 7:00 PM, they were ready to tear the walls down. I went outside, kicked their door, and screamed at them—I was so pissed. I’m ready to rip the shit out of this bitch, and I’ll do it right in front of the kids, too! Maybe that would set an example for them and teach them a little lesson or two.

I felt shitty, but it could’ve been worse. I blasted the shit out of my stereo to drown them out until 8:30. They still wouldn’t shut up, so I turned it on again until 9:15 or so. Finally, at 10:30, I realized they just didn’t get it and only cared about themselves. Some folks have no consideration whatsoever, and I’ve never ever had a problem with her or with noise from her before—but this just did not cut it. My last resort was to call the cops. I did, and it worked.

Now for the surprising part: once I’m woken up, it’s usually hard to fall back asleep—especially at night, with me being a night person. But I did, almost at 11:00 PM. Around midnight, there was a big bang (their grand finale), and luckily, as quickly as I began fuming, I fell back asleep until almost 3:00 AM.

12/30/1992 Wednesday 5:30 AM

I guess Andy’s having trouble sleeping or is sick. It’s not like he’s noisy or anything, but I’ve heard movement over there all night long.

Yesterday morning, around 9:00, I heard them next door. The kids would slam their door, but finally, they left at about 11:00. Thank fucking God! Now it should be peaceful for the next four days—until something else wakes me up.

I was at the office yesterday, and all three of them were in there. As usual, Paula and Judy were very friendly and understanding, while I could feel Stacey’s hatred burning into my every pore.

I spoke to Paula, letting her know that although this complex and the apartments are beautiful, I may begin looking elsewhere. I thought the 1-bedrooms were $335, but they’re $349, and they’ll no doubt go up in June. That’s dirt cheap for such a nice apartment, but not anything I can afford. I wonder why I should even bother transferring to a 1-bedroom here anyway, knowing how thin the walls are. Even if I could afford it, I should go look for thicker walls.

I fell asleep yesterday at 4:00 PM and got up at 9:50 PM. Nothing woke me up, but I wanted to sleep later.

Dennis left a message saying I could have their dining room table and chairs, along with other stuff. I have no room for the table and chairs, but I sure wish he were giving up his color TV. I’ll call him at 8:00. I also need to go to the store.

Kara left a message, too.

Later, I’ll write about what Mary and I discussed concerning a cat and the crazy pet deposit they have here.

12/31/1992 Thursday 5:11 AM

Well, here we are on the last day of 1992. What will 1993 hold for me, I wonder?

Yesterday was a good day. I still wish Dennis wasn’t moving, but he gave me some very nice stuff I could use. He gave me a round glass shelf stand similar to one I once had back east. It’s about 6 feet high, and it’s a solid iron stand that’s olive-colored. There are four glass shelves. It goes out in four directions and forms a peak at the very top. I put stuffed animals up there, as well as other knickknacks and the few videos I have.

He also gave me a step-ladder stool similar to my old one, a sturdy small table I’ve put my typewriter on, and a tiny square thing to sit on while I type. Also, the perfect TV stand I’ve been dying for. On top are my TV and VCR. The bottom has a slanted shelf, normally for videos, CDs, or cassettes, but I’ve put journals 1–34 on it. It’s much sturdier than my thin plastic shelves. I removed the shelf where I put my little table and typewriter and put it in my closet, with my underwear folded on it and my socks underneath. I was able to do this as Dennis also gave me a shoe rack. I save more space by putting my shoes on it and hanging them on the back of my bathroom door.

I rearranged other stuff, too. I moved the speaker that was in a corner and put it by the bathroom door, which is very close to the bedroom. I now turn this speaker on at night instead of my clock radio. I shut off the other speaker by my door and my box too, at night—or whenever I’m sleeping.

I slept well. I slept from 4:30 to a little after midnight, then got up and did Andy’s laundry. I chatted with Dan, the security guard, too, and we went to my mailbox together. I got all junk.

Dennis told me to call Susie and Brian tomorrow because there will be more stuff no one else will want. He gave Andy a nice chair and a big world map.

While I was figuring out how to rearrange everything—which took time—Andy went to the store and picked me up some water, TV dinners, and munchies. I have no cash till my check comes. I hope Susie or Brian has some cigarettes they can spare.

In journal 32, I had accidentally skipped a page, and Kara wrote on it. She wrote: He’s not my boyfriend; he’s just somebody I’m sleeping with. I, Kara, came over this morning with a pack of cigs. What’s a P.J. Paul? I’m going into the kitchen to get a knife, and I’m going to come and get you. Well, I haven’t heard from Brian since the last time, which was almost two weeks ago. From now on, he’s going to be a closed chapter in my life, and the only time it is going to open is when he calls so I can bitch him out. There are just two words lying under the carpet. And they can’t put you in bucks for 400 jail. I’m so glad you’re my friend. Officer S is here with me. And boy, is she pretty. Talk more later. Bye-bye.

6:11 AM

Last night, I began one of my 40-page stories. It’ll definitely need way more than 40 pages, but I can always carry it into another journal. It’s going well, and I’ve already done 20 pages. I type up the rough draft, copy it in, then send the rough draft to Fran. I’m typing the rough draft on that pad of colored paper Mary bought me. Kara, who was over for a while yesterday, read what I’ve written so far and really liked it. Kara’s one of the few people like Andy and me with whom you can share your fantasies with her and just about everything, and she won’t freak out.

I don’t know if Mary and I will ever do this, as I don’t know how long I’ll be here, but we came up with an idea. The idea is that she pays the pet deposit in my name, gets a cat, and makes sure it works out (I told her how horrible the last two cats were). It can spend time up here when she’s not around or when the office people are around. It can stay with her when I’m asleep or not here.

I’ll write more later, but I really need a shower and some food.