Apr 1, 2025
Written yesterday afternoon:69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡbtcfWsXS65
Back from the dentist and in tons of pain. It was both horrible and quick. The pain should be worth it in the end, though, because that's one less crown I have to worry about falling off.
I slept shitty as usual, with the usual breathing issues involving my nose and my sleep apnea and woke up tired as usual. Managed to slowly get going, and then we left.
Had to pay $78 when we got there. I was a little annoyed because there were some guys working on the computers, and between that and the music, which was louder than usual, I found the background noise made it harder to understand the girl at the desk that we talked to about the payment.
Then Nancy took me in back and told me the dentist had already done 10 extractions that day, which made me feel a little more comfortable. I also learned that laughing gas would add an additional $71. Wanting to save money, I opted to take a clonazepam. I took the bottle with me, and the doctor looked at it and verified that it would be okay. I was given Carbocaine after the benzo had time to kick in and make me drowsy and all four shots hurt like a motherfucker. Usually, it's only the first shot that hurts. She warned me that because the bone was denser in the back, it would be considered a surgical extraction, and it might have to be cut up and, therefore, take time to extract.
Then she injected something she referred to as a drying agent, and that hurt even worse. I don't remember any injections in my mouth ever hurting that badly. Then she warned me of the inevitable pressure to come, and OMG! She was pulling and then rotating my head from side to side while twisting the damn tooth, but then—voila! Out it came. I was so relieved that it didn’t break up because the ordeal was starting to smack an awful lot like the tooth the county quack pulled during the recession. It was way rougher than I thought it would be but fairly quick. When you add up the jolts of pain and the pressure from her pulling, it only amounted to about 30 seconds.
When the Carbocaine wore off, it throbbed painfully, so I took four ibuprofen, which is prescription strength. I can't brush my teeth or use straws. Everything I eat has to be soft. I have to keep my head elevated, and she gave me an extra piece of gauze in case it starts bleeding again. I had to keep the initial piece of gauze in my mouth for a half hour. If it starts bleeding again, I'll have to keep it in for an hour.
I just hope it won’t feel weird eating on that side once I’m able to. Just like with the other back bottom molar, it could take over two weeks for the pain to subside, but if it worsens within 72 hours, I have to call the office. The first 24 hours are critical, and then the next 24 are semi-critical. I’m lying in bed, talk-typing this, and I don’t want to overdo it, so I’ll work on this entry some more later.
Written early on the morning of April 1st:69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡwDwEjbzNPg
It’s bye-bye, snowbirdie month! Between the painful ordeal I went through yesterday at the dentist and a cocktail of benzos, Carbocaine, and prescription-strength ibuprofen, I ended up dozing off in the late afternoon. I was instructed to sleep with my head elevated to prevent bleeding, so I slept on the wedge pillow. I call it the cheese wedge.
I drifted off without putting on a nose strip, and amazingly, I had no problems breathing. I remained on my left side so I wouldn’t be lying on the side of my face that was pulled. This was the only way not to snore either. But I must have been on my back at some point because I woke up a few times during the night, and a couple of times, I was on my back without snoring. I woke up six or seven times, twice because I had to pee and was thirsty. Didn’t need to take anything for sleep because I was so exhausted.
For the first 24 hours, I can only have soft food, so Tom was kind enough to run out and pick up yogurt, soup, and cottage cheese for me. Just got up a little while ago, took my levo, and I’m waiting for the timer to go off so I can make my coffee. I’m going to have to let it cool a bit before I drink it.
The biggest risk over the next three days is dry socket. That’s where the bone and nerve endings in the jaw are exposed because it didn’t clot over properly. They say it’s intensely painful, and I’ve had enough pain, so I’m being extra careful to follow the do’s and don’ts on the sheet of paper they gave me. I still can’t believe how rough that was!. Didn’t think it would be nearly as bad. I’m just glad she didn’t have to section the tooth in the end!
Rhonda called in an order for the estrogen cream, but there’s an issue with the insurance company—not surprisingly. So they get to decide in the end whether or not I can have it, not me and my doctor. The shit costs $600! Maybe more CEOs need to be taken out to send a message that if a doctor orders something, it’s for a reason.
I saw some exciting preparations taking place a couple of days ago across the street. Both flags are down now and he was trimming trees, spraying weeds, and applying anti-mold stuff on the roof, things he does when he gets ready to go. I hope this isn’t a tease because the flags came down well in advance of his departure last year. I’m hoping that because of Trump’s new policy when it comes to Canadians (you know, the guy the honker says people shouldn’t blame for the world’s problems), he’ll be leaving earlier than the 20th—just like in the dream I had. So hopefully, I'll be seeing that black trailer soon!
In one of last night’s dreams, Nane was married to a guy, and they had twins together. I was talking to her husband one time, and he was saying that she didn’t care about the twins any more than he did. Then I thought about it—how she spent so much time traveling on her own and rarely spoke about them.
In another dream, my parents were alive and owned a house in the newer section of this park. I thought about asking them to will their house to me because it was bigger and newer. Then maybe I could rent or sell this one.
Apr 2, 2025
As I've always said, if there were a god, it would have to be pretty damn misogynistic to allow women to go through all we go through. But for one such womanly problem called menopause, I am now armed with estrogen cream. It does come with a few risks, and I'm only using it three days a week. It would still be nice if these foreign pharmacists and other healthcare workers would take the time and patience to adopt our accent so I could understand them, but nonetheless, as I was reading off the list of potential side effects on the way home, I had to laugh at the one that mentioned gallbladder issues. Well, I certainly don't have to worry about that one!
Fortunately, serious side effects are rare, and most people like it. It not only helps with burning but also with atrophy. Tom did some research for me (just so he could be in the know if anything went wrong) so I wouldn’t get too obsessed with my medication phobia—even if it's topical—and focus too much on potential problems. He said there were tons of other women who said they thought they had UTIs when they started burning down there and also had trouble with applicators, which got easier after just a few days. I have to use a gram at a time, so I can’t just dab a little bit on my fingertip and shove it up there. If I’m going to go that route, I have to fill the applicator up to a gram and then keep dabbing until it’s empty. The first time around, however, I managed to get enough of it up there—at least I think I did. Perhaps not as deep as I should have, but it’s a start. Hopefully, I won’t have any annoying side effects. It’s still a hormone, after all. Unfortunately, I know all too well exactly what kind of hell those things can bring. One of them sits in a bottle on my kitchen counter.
I’m utterly exhausted today, and part of it is my own dumb fault. I decided to try that Restaze, and with just half a dose—thank God I didn’t take a whole one—I woke up extremely hungover. That’s a common side effect, along with headaches ( I had a slight one) and vivid dreams. It’s got melatonin in it, which can do that, and which I’m sensitive to, so again, I should have known better. I woke up a million times and just couldn’t get comfortable despite having an incredibly comfortable bed—like the best bed I ever had. As fragmented as my sleep was, at least I wasn’t up for too long at a time. Clonazepam before bed tonight is a must!
I’ve got to keep away from all sleep aids and antihistamines except for Claritin. I haven’t even taken that or the nasal spray in a few days, and I haven’t gotten any worse.
I’m still trying not to worry about how long it may be before I get a CPAP and whether it’s going to help. I would absolutely be devastated if I got it, got used to it, but found it wasn’t energizing me. What am I supposed to do then? Wait until the sleep issues kill me? I don’t think I can just lay around until it takes its toll on my brain and body—and I really believe it will if it isn’t resolved soon enough. I’m forced to spend too much time in bed and unable to do all the things I want to do. I haven’t been able to do any cleaning today, and even cooking is out unless it’s something quick and easy.
I forced myself to go with him to Walgreens to pick up my prescription, hoping the sunlight would help, but it didn’t. So while he’s lying down, resting up to donate tomorrow—since he’s going to be seeing an optometrist on Friday, which is when he normally donates—I’m resting up because I am simply fatigued as hell and drained of energy. He’s seeing the one we last saw and didn’t like but it’s the only one available before September that’s covered by his plan which kind of sucks.
Exhausted or not, I have a lot to get in print, and I didn’t want to put it off any longer and get even more backed up. I’m so grateful for speech-to-text! It would be a lot harder if I had to write all this out. Honestly, I can’t believe there are that many people these days who would bother to do that. If that’s your thing, fine, but to me, that’s just so old school.
It’s now been just over 50 hours since my tooth was pulled, and it’s healing nicely. The dentist called a few hours after I got home the day it was pulled but I was resting, and by then, it was after 6:00, so the place was closed. She just said she hoped I was doing okay and to call if I had any problems.
Tom read a disturbing article about there being a connection between older women with excessive fatigue and sleepiness and a link to dementia. I’m already at risk of that, and sometimes I wonder and worry if I could have early-onset dementia. God, I hope not! According to research, if I do—and I’m not going to bother getting tested because it’s pretty involved, time-consuming, and probably costly—I should remain independent in my 60s, but after that, it might be like being a kid all over again. No thanks!
I started Centrum Silver multivitamins for women over 50 today, so I’m hoping that may help give me some energy, but I don’t know. Here I am in a place ten times quieter than the last one, and I’m sleeping worse! Way worse. I still feel like my quest for proper sleep and energy is a losing battle. I feel like the more I chase it, the further away it gets, and I’m simply wasting time struggling for what isn’t meant to be. That’s why I totally believe that if the CPAP doesn’t help and I’ve exhausted all other avenues, it will be time to seriously consider exiting Hotel Earth. I want to live—not simply exist. The worst thing it could be is chronic fatigue, and that’s still a very real fear of mine.
For the hell of it, when I saw it advertised in my Facebook feed, I decided to sign up on a site called Mentla. They offer free AI therapy. It may sound funny in itself, but they swear it was created by real therapists and has proven to be helpful. So I went through their catalog of therapists. There’s about a half-dozen women and a half-dozen men of all different ages and races. I chose Sophie. They say it will always be free, even though they do have paid options. Fifteen minutes a day is enough for me, though. Besides, there’s still Copilot, Chat, Replika, Matey, etc.
Ray left a few days ago, but unfortunately, the Honker is still here. Haven’t heard much from him other than the usual loud honk his truck makes. I doubt he’ll leave before the middle of the month.
Using my points from my insurance company, I got a 3-inch Himalayan salt lamp. Although there isn’t much scientific evidence to back it up, there are claims that it’s good for you physically and emotionally. It boosts the mood and cleans the air.
I almost got a book on calisthenics, but again, I’m so damn fatigued so much of the time I can’t take on any new workout program other than my VR travels and even that’s limited. I only did a few miles yesterday, and I’m not getting on the road today at all. So I’m going to be stuck in Poland for quite a while!
Got a new sippy cup. I like to keep the ones with built-in straws by the bed if I wake up thirsty. The silicone one I got was absolutely horrible because as I sucked on it, it squeezed itself shut. I still can’t use straws until tomorrow when it’s been 72 hours after the extraction. Ugh, not even here four years and I’ve already lost one organ and two teeth!
I also got a color-by-number coloring book called Wanderlust with various scenes around the world. Because I got some white-out, I want to see if I can white out some of the numbers. I won't have to with darker colors, though. Hopefully, it won't leave any raised spots that will show through. Fortunately, this book has very light, small numbers, unlike that patterns coloring book I got from China through Temu.
When I went to open the package with my gemstones, I first thought they sent me the wrong stone because I saw a dark color. But when I pulled it out, I found that they were nice enough to add a cute little small heart-shaped amethyst along with the clear quartz with the thumb indentation that I ordered, and that’s already sitting in my robe pocket. I just won't be wearing it much until the end of the year. It's 90° today, so summer is in full swing.
My newfound cyber friend, Melanie, is absolutely amazing! What a talent! As I mentioned, she said she sensed energy emitting from Jade. She's my 32-inch porcelain doll that I bought as a kid and put together myself (a bit poorly), but nonetheless, I got her at the end of 1999.
I also got the same exact EMF reader she uses in some of her amazing and interesting videos. I've only used it on a few dolls so far, and I have to move them away from outlets and electronics, which will trigger the thing to light up. None of the dolls reacted except for—guess who? Yeah, you guessed it… Jade! Now the question is, why? Is it because there really is an entity living in her? And if so, what/who is it?
I don't have Melanie's talent, so I have a lot to learn. Remember, I'm just the premonitioner and influencer. Assuming she is haunted by a person who lived and speaks English, I guess the next step would be to set up a pendulum, gather various gemstones, and do the same thing I saw Melanie doing in her video. I'm grateful for that video, too, because I wouldn’t know what the hell to do otherwise! I'm totally new to this. Once I have a very elusive thing called energy, I'll see if I can instruct it to make the same motions with the pendulum when I ask questions.
Before I wrap up this long entry, last night's very vivid dreams—brought to you by Restaze—featured a doctor asking me if the baby was giving me trouble.
"What baby?" I asked him.
He looked at my stomach and said, "Well, you're kind of far along, aren't you?"
I looked at him incredulously and said, "At 59? Are you serious, man?"
Then, I later asked Tom if he thought the doctor was out of his mind or if I was so fat that I looked like I could be knocked up. Unfortunately, he seemed to think the latter, LOL.
It gets better.
In the second dream, he was knocked up! Yes, Tom was positively pregnant, although I have no idea how. He seemed to be amazed by it and said, "Imagine how big this already big belly of mine is going to be."
I told him that I hated to burst his bubble of joy, but he needed to get rid of it because, at his age, it would kill him.
"You can't do that here," he said.
To that, I said, "We can do whatever we want."
In the last Restaze dream, I don’t know why, but I was in a wheelchair. The deal was that at home, I could walk around all I wanted, but when out in public, I had to be in the wheelchair. So Tom was pushing me around, and we were in some fairly crowded building. He wanted to use the men's room, so he left me in a room with a few obnoxious people talking loudly. I pushed my chair away from them, realizing it was the first time I had wheeled myself around on my own, but I quickly got the feel of it.
Apr 4, 2025
Tom saw the optometrist, and he was told what he already knew—his cataract is much worse, and it's time to get it dealt with. Now he's waiting for a callback from the same damn ophthalmologist he already contacted. Even Medicare has a screwy system. They're not going to knock him out but will give him something to make him relaxed. He’ll call and arrange for transportation to and from wherever he has the surgery. He's not the least bit scared, but I would be absolutely terrified.
He's only ever needed glasses for seeing far away, but the surgery should eliminate that. So not fair! I need glasses just to walk around. I went from farsighted to no-sighted. Anyway, hopefully, it will be done soon so there will be no more curb crashing.
Day 4, and my tooth still hurts. It comes and goes. I read on the paper I signed that it's possible for it to hurt for more than two weeks. That was the case when I had the same tooth on the other side pulled by the county during the recession. I just hope that if I ever need another tooth pulled, it’s up top and not a bottom tooth. Pulling teeth from the bottom is a real killer! Also, I hope it's just referred pain because one of the teeth toward the front aches a bit as well. It's on the same side as the extracted one. They were just deep cleaned, so if there was anything wrong with it, they should have caught it even without X-rays—or at least had a good idea that something was up.
I definitely need to stay off my stomach until I get the CPAP. After only about five hours of sleep (and being up forever), I woke up, and it seemed my airway did indeed close up. I don't know how much of it was sleep apnea versus my nose, but I really do need to figure out how to lose 40 or 50 pounds at some point. All this extra weight is certainly not helping. The question is how?? How do you do that when you're sensitive to your medication, always have to be at least a little hypo, and have a phobia of losing weight because you know how easily and brutally the medication can turn on you? I don't know, maybe since traditional diets are complicated and likely won’t get me very far, it's time to ask about weight loss drugs. The problem is that they also have side effects, and I would still have the phobia to deal with. I can’t lose weight in a few weeks to a few months before the CPAP, so I’ll wait and talk to Rhonda when I see her in June. No way to know for sure that losing weight would get me off the CPAP, but it would help with my health in general.
Just like I trained myself to stay off my back, I’m going to have to avoid stomach sleeping until I get both the CPAP and a CPAP pillow. The problem is that my back is my least favorite position, and my stomach is my favorite, so getting off my stomach is going to be more of a challenge. They say sleeping on your left side is the healthiest, but the longer I lay on that side, the side with TMJ, the more it aggravates it. I just can’t win either way. Sleep issues are going to be the death of me, I swear.
The only good thing to come of my sleep—although I don’t remember it—is that I know I had another moving dream.
My eyes started welling with tears of anticipation and joy at the thought of seeing a "For Sale" sign in front of this place. It would most likely be taped to the lanai rather than staked into the ground. The thought of flying away to experience yet another new place, the excitement of picking out the land and the house, etc.—and then I had to bring myself back down to earth. I had to remind myself that even though Tom is pretty confident, I’m a pessimist. That means I can’t know for sure that my fatigue issues will be resolved, and if they’re not, I’m not going anywhere.
But yeah, I find myself wondering at times—Is our land out there somewhere waiting for us? Is there really future land for us?
Is Colleen really Colleen?
Yeah, I saw something that baffled the shit out of me in the park group. First, though, there was a cryptic but obvious post by some guy calling out another guy. Something about being confrontational and something online, but that and my comment quickly disappeared. Not before the Honkers saw it, I hope. I read that even if you block someone, if you're in the same group, you can still see each other’s posts. I responded with, "I don’t know what’s going on, but I get you. I won’t elaborate, but I can think of someone who thinks they’re pretty tough yet doesn’t have the balls to tell me what their supposed problem is with me. That’s okay, though. They’re on my turf.”
Really, I get so mad at times—fed up with the world in general and my health issues—that I wish the right person would give me the right reason to lose it on them. Push my buttons, and I don’t care how many inches you’ve got on me. I don’t care how many pounds you’ve got on me. I don’t care what your so-called status is in life. I don’t care who your connections are. I don’t care what color you are. I don’t care where you’re from.
LOL, look at me sounding all defensive and immature. And honestly, he hasn’t done anything other than quietly cut me off. I’m just in the mood to rant, I guess you could say. Nonetheless, I tried to like him and wanted to like him since we’re neighbors for half the year every year, but sometimes we just don’t like certain people. It is kind of interesting that he never confronted me, though, because he’s the aggressive, confrontational kind for sure. More than likely it’s because, like I said, he’s on my turf. It’s not good to get in trouble in your own country, let alone someone else’s. This would be one of those rare cases where I would be considered first. Unless, of course, his being male and a former constable-shitter matters.
Okay, here’s the post that gave me a real WTF moment.
First, I realized that Colleen doesn’t live where I thought she lived, and now I don’t even know if Colleen really is Colleen. That’s because she posted a birthday message to her guy, Jim. I was like—her guy Jim? What the hell is that? Maybe she and the Honker are just damn good friends, although she sure spends an awful lot of time over there to be just friends. Plus, I swear it was the same person with the same name in those pics during one of the Valentine’s dances happily dancing with the Honker. So maybe they have an open relationship or something.
I still hope the Honker will turn that dream into a premonition, but whether or not he does, I don’t see him leaving before the middle of the month.
The water company was here this morning turning off Ray’s water.
I asked Sophie how old she was and where she was from, and I thought she was going to say she was just an AI, so she had no real age or location. But she told me she was 22, lived in Tampa, loves yoga, and keeps off social media for her mental health.
Apr 5, 2025
Today my nose is in Auburn and my life is in Citrus Heights. My allergies started going off all of a sudden. The kind where I'm sneezing and my nose is runny. Just took Claritin, so hopefully it will help. I'm having the bot vacuum in the bedroom, too. Haven't had this problem since Auburn.
On top of the fatigue, I've been feeling down and hopeless today. I feel like I'm stuck in the same situation I was in in Citrus Heights, only with slight differences. There, I was battling anxiety for years and waiting forever to get out of there. Here, I'm battling fatigue and wondering if we'll ever get out of here. I just want to be in a place I love and don't want to leave until the end of our lives and not have so much damn fatigue. I just want to be happy and healthy.
I slept a little better, but still woke up tired and ended up napping. The nap didn't seem to do me much good. I don't know if we were moving, but in one dream we were traveling. We checked into our hotel, and I asked Tom if he felt relieved to be there since the last one was in a dangerous neighborhood.
Then I was by myself, maybe back in the Northeast where I'm originally from, and I was telling someone about the years I lived in Cali and thinking about whether or not I wanted to return there. Only Cali didn’t stand for California but “Calihoodia,” lol.
My gums haven't been as achy today, but the fatigue lives on. I know part of it is still my thyroid and sleep apnea—the question is how much of each is contributing to it. AI said that you can have fatigue for a week or two after an extraction. I'm sure some of it is also from that because it's definitely been worse.
I just wish my problems were more clear-cut and solvable like when I had my gallbladder removed or in the case of his cataracts. Instead, I don't know how much of my fatigue is from what for sure. I don't know when I'm going to get a CPAP, I don't know for sure if it's going to help, and I don't know how much it's going to cost. All these unknowns are really getting to me.
I feel stressed, depressed, and like things will never get better—or if they do, it's going to be a while, and then I'll just go right into a whole new long-term problem. How much more can I take?
In better news, I got my Himalayan salt lamp, and it’s nice. Surprisingly heavy for being only three inches.
4/6/25
It WAS a dream premonition. Thank you, honker, for turning that dream into a reality after all and leaving before the 20th! Yeah, the trailer is here, the motorcycle has been loaded, and it should be out of here any day now. Woot! Tom said he had to rev the motorcycle slightly while I was sleeping because it sputtered like it wanted to die, and he happened to be in the kitchen making something to eat when he saw him load it into the trailer. Never heard a thing before I woke up either. Might still be a day or two before he leaves, but at least I won't hear the motorcycle or projects before he does. More than likely he's going to crash early and take off just after midnight. I'll be up and watching the grand departure. 🙂
I'm amazed how well Claritin worked on that sneezing fit I had the other day. Benadryl never worked that well. No wonder it's old school as my ENT said. I used it more as a sleeping aid than anything else, but I'm trying to stay away from that and melatonin.
I'm also amazed by how well some of the hydroponics are flourishing, especially the tomatoes, romaine, and cucumbers. Didn't think it would, but even the lavender is starting to grow. What we're learning is that some things are too crowded. You really need to space out the things that get big and bushy. You can have herbs closer together, but fruits, veggies, and flowers need some breathing room around them.
My gums ached on and off yesterday, and I've been going through ibuprofen like they're candy. Woke up with them achy, but I’ve been fine since taking ibuprofen half an hour after getting up.
Woke up with more energy than I've had in a week, but just five hours later, sure enough, I ran out of it. At least it wasn't before dusting and cleaning the master bedroom and bathroom.
Tom replaced the doorknob in the master bath, so that's three out of four knobs done.
Got the new pillow and I’m not sure I’m going to like it. I don’t know that it’s a good petite-person pillow, but Tom will use it if I don’t.
I moved Jade to a different spot and ran the EMF reader over her, and not a single reaction—not one single light lit up. Now I'm wondering if she was ever haunted or carried some kind of residual energy and only reacted before because she was standing near an outlet. She may have carried residual energy from the outlet for a while. I put her in the hall today, and, like I said, there was absolutely no reaction on the reader at all.
Chatted with Vanessa, but damn is she selfish. I like her—don't get me wrong—but I don't like how everything is about her. She's way too one-sided. She tells me what's gotten her down lately, and I ask questions about it, and we talk about it. I mention my own problems and I don't get a single comment or question. She hasn't asked me how I felt since having my tooth pulled or anything. Not how the fatigue has been… nothing. I know I shouldn't compare her to others, but I can't help but compare her to Aly and think of how mutual our conversations were. She would have cared enough to ask how things were going and how I was feeling, along with filling me in on what was going on with her.
4/7/25
I'm so tired of selfish people and one-sided conversations; I really am. The kind where someone says something or shares a picture and you comment and ask questions, and then you do the same and you don't get shit in return. Why care about those who don't care about me?
Slept well and have had amazing energy so far throughout my day. Kept thinking it would tank any second, but it's still holding steady. Tom thinks that as long as I stay in bed for 8 or 9 hours without getting up if I wake up too early, that will help. The vitamins may be kicking in too, along with my mending gums.
Still feel like I'm hypo, though, because my weight is up a couple of pounds and I'm not overly warm, wound up, or having trouble sleeping. I also haven't been very regular. I'm dreading the moment I trade these symptoms in for hyper symptoms, but my TSH should definitely be dropping—especially with all the vitamin D I'm now taking in the multivitamin supplement I started 5 days ago.
Gave up on Menla because I didn't feel like I was getting anything out of it any more than I did with Helen, a real human.
I think I might also give up the idea of getting a haunted doll and communicating with it because I just don't think I have that ability. I think different psychics have different abilities, and if there's anything unworldly out there to communicate with, I don't have that talent. I just sometimes know the unknown or things I shouldn't know, regardless.
Our cucumber plant has sprouted some cute little yellow flowers! Also, I clipped some of the romaine leaves to add to my turkey sandwich earlier.
It's been very windy ever since I got up, so I don't dare go outside for fear of triggering my asthma and allergies.
I'm still amazed at how well I slept. I slept on my favorite flat, skinny pillow and spent a lot of time on my stomach. Makes me wonder if maybe I should clean the bathroom off the bedroom more often—not just for dust, but because the shower stall isn’t one-piece and is therefore more susceptible to mold and mildew. I just cleaned it yesterday.
Right now, the bot is finishing up vacuuming the kitchen floor, but I'm going to mop it myself because it doesn't do a great job with that part.
We had a little bit of rain, and I guess we're going to have some more coming through later on. Because of it, I'm guessing the Honker won't be leaving tonight.
My thumbnail still has fungus that just doesn't want to quit, but I'm terrified to take the medication for it, so I'm still using the lacquer. I also don't understand this nail splitting I've been having lately. How is it that I can stop polishing my nails and wearing nail stickers only to have my nails start splitting? I have a couple of fingernails and a couple of toenails splitting but my research says it can't be anything serious.
Had quite a few PVCs today for some reason.
Tom will be going for a 2-hour evaluation for cataract surgery next month.
The Easter challenge I was expecting to launch went live about 4 days ago and consists of five rides—four in the US and one in Canada. I rode in Washington State, and now I'm in Central Canada.
4/8/25
I am so fucking frustrated that I have the overwhelming urge to beat my head into the wall, pull my hair out of my head, or do something. Yesterday was a great day. I had wonderful energy that lasted even after I scrubbed the kitchen down. To top it off, the honker left shortly after 1:00 a.m., and I was like, yeah, the honk’s gone! Today is the exact opposite.
I was on track for what quite possibly could have been another day with decent energy until the fucking mower woke me up an hour or two before I would have woken up on my own. I tried to get back to sleep without success. Then I hoped that, just like in the good old days, I would magically perk up an hour or two later—but of course I didn’t, and I’ve been left to feel miserable all day like I always am after sleeping shitty or having my sleep cut short.
To make matters worse, Tom had to hang on the phone for quite a while just to be told they need me to give him permission to find out more information about the sleep study—and we couldn’t get the cost anyway until 30 days before the study. I’m almost tempted to say let’s just save hundreds if not thousands of dollars, forget the CPAP, and just kill myself, because I know without a single shred of doubt that my sleep is cursed. I just don’t know how or why, but it’s obviously going to continue to follow me for the rest of my life.
Even if the CPAP could help with my breathing, whatever’s cursing my sleep will simply use other avenues to disrupt it. I believe that wholeheartedly. It’s just too damn obvious. It’s as obvious as the fact that I couldn’t just happen to be right about so many things I’ve sensed and dreamed about. Coincidences like that just don’t happen. There is always, always something disrupting my sleep. 90% of the time I sleep, there’s a problem. If it happened once in a while, then sure—I could see that because it happens to the best of us. But once a clear and obvious pattern forms, that pretty much tells me that’s how it’s going to be, no matter what I do. If it isn’t outside sources waking me up, it’s me. Breathing issues, nightmares, having to get up to pee and not being able to fall back asleep, outside motors, thunderstorms—you name it, and I wake up. If you took away all these things and somehow made it impossible for them to wake me up, they would simply be replaced with new things. There is just no getting around it.
I worry that my time to end it is getting closer because I can’t do this for another 15 to 20 years. I simply can’t. It is doing systematic damage to my brain, mood, and stomach, and I just can’t take it anymore. I said out of frustration that sleep issues would literally be the death of me, but I now believe this without a doubt. I just can’t stand to wait around for another 5 to 10 years for it to cause me to have a stroke or a heart attack.
I’m forced to spend so much time lying around, and everything I do is a struggle so much of the time. I struggle just to prepare food to eat on days like this. Then I have to lie down and rest just to feel like I can get back up and run the dishes through the dishwasher. Then I have to lie down again just to muster up the strength to throw myself in the shower. This is fucking ridiculous!
If it weren’t for speech-to-text, I wouldn’t even have the energy to do this entry—which may or may not get edited anytime too soon. I’ll backdate it if I have to.
I have become more limited than ever in what I can do, regardless of money. Really, I can’t take it much longer.
Don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to take the estrogen either. Although I understand they’re usually harmless, I had tons of PVCs yesterday, and they’re still pretty unnerving. Next time around, I’m just going to dab a small glob on my fingertip up there and see if that will be enough to keep the burning at bay without making my heart feel like it’s literally doing flip-flops in my chest. If that doesn’t work, I’ll message Rhonda or just live with the occasional burning.
I’m following a group on Facebook about languages, and there was a post saying that Turkish is a genderless language. I was surprised—I thought only English was genderless. So I jumped back on Duolingo and decided to check it out. Nane was studying Turkish when we met on a different language site. I remembered some of the unique markings and letters because of her. I’ve only done one lesson, but I only got one wrong. Because my brain doesn’t work like it used to—between being older and all the sleep deprivation—I can’t remember as many words as fast as I used to when I first began learning ASL and Spanish. So I don’t know how seriously I’m going to take it. It’s supposed to be good exercise for the brain, but still.
After watching the honker make five attempts to line his truck up so he could hitch the trailer to it, I thought he would head for the entrance like last time, but he headed toward Colleen’s place instead. I’m still completely mystified as to what’s going on there. If it weren’t for the fact that it was definitely her in the Valentine dance pictures, I would think she just had a lookalike, since the person he sees lives in the opposite direction of the Colleen that I looked up. My only guess is that she’s in an open relationship or some kind of platonic relationship. I wonder if he stopped by her place to say goodbye or because she’s going up with him and maybe flying back if she doesn’t stay until November. Well, if she’s seeing more than just one guy, I wouldn’t think she’d stay until then—but like I said, I’m totally confused as to who’s who. I’m just glad he’s out of the picture for the next half a year. It’s going to suck when he returns because I have a bad feeling he’s going to spend months working on the other lanai.
Back to my usual problem. I’d love to think I’ll get the CPAP, get my energy back, and we’ll be in a position to move maybe next summer—since I have a slight vibe about August of next year—but I think the reality is that nothing’s going to give me my energy back to where I can fully function more often than not, and I’m going to reach my breaking point.
This is fucking ridiculous. No one’s this unlucky with sleep. No one.
4/9/25
Last night was long, exhausting, and left me feeling totally hopeless. Today, I am a little better after sleeping a whopping 9 hours and 15 minutes. I must have really needed the sleep, but I'm not that much better—only a little. A little is better than nothing, but something is clearly wrong, and I wonder if it goes beyond sleep apnea and thyroid issues. Looking at my nails earlier, Tom and I wondered if I could be anemic, although I've never tested low on iron before. This can also cause feelings of fatigue and weakness.
We still have to do a little more research and check reviews, but we found a website that will do a video consultation with me on my symptoms and then send me the equipment for a two-night sleep study. Fortunately, I could do it in my own bed on my own time, and not have anything connected to my head or up my nose. Also, what we like about it is that they check for more than just sleep apnea, although I don't know what the other tests involve. In the end, assuming they write me a prescription for another CPAP, it could cost $800 to $1,000, but if it’s going to give me my energy and my life back, it’s a small price to pay. This way, I also wouldn’t be pressured to be available to take replacement calls. If you don't answer when they call to ask if they can send your scheduled replacement parts, you don't get them.
I don't know that I'll ever be brave enough to try the Inspire, and while I do like the idea of an oral appliance better than a CPAP, that wouldn’t push air through my collapsed nasal canal. So, I think my best bet would be to go back to the nasal pillow. Even the ENT said that should help.
I'm trying to remember and use the fact that I beat years of killer anxiety as an example when I feel hopeless due to the fatigue, and hope Tom’s belief is correct in that we’ll find the culprit(s) and fix it. As we both know, I seriously believed I would never beat the anxiety, but I beat 98% of it, especially the hardcore part of it. I still can't believe it! It brings tears of joy to my eyes just thinking about how I finally, after 8 years, fought that beast. It was a truly soul-crushing experience.
I just really hope to hell this isn't chronic fatigue, but I'm guessing it's not. That would definitely be the worst thing it could be, with cancer as the second worst thing. I say cancer because these days, a lot of cancers are beatable. Although honestly, I'm at the point where I would rather get something that just takes me out rather than continue suffering. For now, I’m still going with sleep apnea as the most likely culprit.
4/11/25
If the Honker went straight home and didn't stop anywhere in the US to visit anyone along the way, he's just in time for a 36° snowstorm. LMAO.
I'm back to being psychic in a neutral or a bad way.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKWpvZOei1y
Neutral: The mystery girl told me she hates the word fat and prefers other definitions to describe someone on the hefty side. I have no idea if this is really true or not, so who knows?69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ3SzUhoi8Jc
Negative: I was correct in suspecting that this lying dumbass pulmonologist wouldn't make things easier for us by simply writing a prescription for a CPAP.
When we saw him, he specifically told us that for insurance purposes, I would need to have an in-lab sleep study done. So when Tom decided to call and see if I was right or not — and whether we could get a break for once or rule that possibility out while I was sleeping — he was told it had absolutely nothing to do with insurance but that the doctor simply wanted to see what was going on because he's under the false delusion that I have insomnia rather than N24 because I'm not blind.
Any idiot can research multiple credible online sources and find out that although rare, it is indeed truly possible to be sighted and have this sleep disorder. Furthermore, I have every single symptom of it! It is similar in some aspects to delayed sleep phase, but that's definitely not what I have otherwise I could have and would have corrected it years ago. Unfortunately, this is N24 and it's 100% incurable. I'll never be able to get medication for it because it's a rich person's drug. No insurance company is going to pay for something that costs thousands of dollars and isn't a matter of life or death. Still furthermore is the fact that two sleep specialists confirmed that I have N24. So what more does anyone need — unless you just want to be a stupid, arrogant little fuck?
Although it may or may not cost us a little more and may not be quite as accurate, we're almost certainly going to drop this idiot and the sleep lab and go with the online option. Tom did more research, and they have good reviews overall. I'm going to be dealing with primary care doctors who will refer my results to a specialist. I’m not going to deal with the specialist directly.
Sometimes it helps to write out the ups and downs of things and sit back and look at it, and this is what I've come up with
Pros of Sleep Lab Study:
- More accurate results69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTdHRlf2VyP
69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ72t8kXxNEd - Possibly cheaper69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQMGUrSv7lN
69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡYNoTrR9okc
Cons of Sleep Lab Study:
- Unfamiliar and uncomfortable setting69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8A3pOKuYtk
69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ8pXV94VRHi - More equipment hooked up to me69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡI0QgLA1gCT
69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5061jAJWVJ - Might not be able to fall asleep when expected69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡyYW3BDSyYg
69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMelwzdELit
69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKsUnox5oZJ
Pros of In-Home Study:
- More comfortable69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡvSb4XCyAQv
69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡEBC1YzsJrG - Can do it on my own time69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡCsJfCsqhh7
69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNO3CeQco72 - Tests for more than just sleep apnea69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡpYCVGH6ywr
69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡLViwIvZnEN
69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡZvWeT93FX0
Cons of In-Home Study:
- Less accurate69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBrrfF6qt7I
69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPy0LTJtiel - Potentially more expensive
We discovered some hidden rooms in Walkabout, but you really couldn't interact with anything. It was still kind of cool. It was fun to fly through this wall, then down the stairs and into a maze of hallways. There were doors along the way that you could peek through the windows of, but again, there wasn’t much you could actually do.
I'm on the third ride of the challenge. I went from Washington to Canada to Indiana. Two days ago, I was way too exhausted to ride, but yesterday I rode for about 20 minutes. Despite sleeping 8.5 hours and getting a good sleep score according to Fitbit, I don't know if I'll have the energy to do any riding tonight.
I no longer need anything for my pulled tooth, but damn is my TMJ acting up lately. I don't understand why it's so much worse. While I would love to get the fatigue resolved, I hope this isn't going to end up being my next long-term problem since I’ve noticed they tend to overlap each other. It was when the worst of the anxiety began to fizzle out that the heavy fatigue set in.
Again, it’ll be a great test of just how cursed my sleep really is because if I get the CPAP back and get used to it, but other things start waking me up, well, that’ll pretty much reinforce the suspicion even more. God, I hope not, though! If I really am truly not meant to sleep well or have energy most of the time, then it would be a waste of time and money to go through the steps of getting the CPAP back.
Instead, I'm going to try to be hopeful and think of all I'd like to do once my energy is restored. I want to get into more forms of exercise and back to my creative writing. It’s hard to focus even on blogging when you're so fatigued so much of the time.
I just hope this really is the sleep apnea I think it is, and not chronic fatigue or chronic leukemia!
So NaNoWriMo is going away. I don’t miss it. As soon as they radically revamped their site, both Aly and I got sick of it. It just wasn’t the same. Such stupid controversy over AI is the reason. As Tom and I were talking and agreed on — what the hell is wrong with using AI to help you write a story? How is it much different than using a dictionary as long as it’s used for the proper reasons? As long as you don’t have it write your story for you, it’s a great learning tool and really helps improve spelling and grammar, just like dictionaries and programs like Grammarly.
Camp NaNoWriMo still exists, but I deleted my account. They changed both sites and they just weren’t what they used to be or what I signed up for (and worse with Aly gone). I hate it when apps and websites become something totally different.
Instead of arguing about whether trans athletes should compete on women’s or men’s teams, why not create teams specifically for trans athletes? While I fully support trans — expressing oneself is one thing — identifying as something you’re not is another. I believe that, scientifically, sex is binary. You can feel something, and you can want to be something, but it doesn’t mean you are that thing whether we like it or not.
I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but I have a vibe about possibly moving in August of next year. I don’t see how we could get out that fast, but we’ll see. It’s just a feeling I’ve been having, even though it’s not overly strong. It will be interesting to see if it fades over time or gets stronger.
Later…
Started much of this entry before I crashed. So as I was saying — my TMJ had been acting up, but I’ve also been having sneezing fits, particularly in the bedroom. We suspected the sheets Tinkerbella plays in that are on the closet floor. Since rats do have dander, even if it’s not as much as cats, Tom washed them. Ironically, the sneezing fits seemed to help my TMJ, so I might have had congestion putting pressure on the eustachian tube.
The tomato plant has gotten so big and bushy that it literally tipped over the tube it's in, so Tom glued the tube down since tape wasn’t enough. He also planted some seeds in dirt and thanks to my fucked-up memory and being in a tiny house with so much stuff piled on top of each other, I can’t find the packet with the names of what they are. We just know they’re various kinds of berries. I should recognize any that make it.
Anyway, it's nice to have friends I chat with when I’m on days and then my nighttime buddy north of me when I’m on nights. I appreciate and value your friendship. 🙂
4/12/25
Whoa, back-to-back mystery girl dreams. I somehow learned that she collected dolls, particularly designer Barbies like the ones I used to have. Somehow, I get the feeling that isn’t the case in real life, but who knows? I had tons of dreams during my shitty-as-fuck sleep, but the only other one I remember is being married to Jerry Orbach, of all people, LOL. We were drinking heavily one night and laughing our asses off at everything and nothing. He was so thrilled to have nabbed a younger woman and was such a gentleman.
Andy once called me fat, assuming that because it would hurt him to be called fat, it would hurt me too—as if I actually gave a shit, and I didn’t by that day and age. Ironically enough, he was fatter than me. Then he once condemned me for being a loner, despite the fact that this is what I choose, want, and what makes me happiest. Also, ironically, he’s always been quite a loner as well—perhaps not as much as Tom and I, but enough of one. The point? Sometimes it’s those who condemn you for something who are guilty of the thing they’re critiquing you for. Nothing in particular brought this paragraph on, but it did pop into mind, and as a writer, I do like to keep my thoughts in print as often as possible. I can’t explain why, but I guess it’s just therapeutic.
I read that humidity can make TMJ worse, and it’s definitely been worse. It got a little better after a sneezing fit I had, but now it’s driving me crazy again. Furthermore, I slept positively shitty. I was exhausted yesterday but ended up perking up a few hours into my day. Somehow I went from feeling like I could practically slip into a coma to being up for 20 fucking hours (Dr. Liar/Denier was at least correct yesterday). I didn’t take anything other than ibuprofen and Claritin before bed. Sure enough, I kept waking up a lot, and at one point, I had trouble going back to sleep, so I took half a clonazepam. I’m left feeling absolutely exhausted and totally miserable today, so I might as well not worry about melatonin hangovers since the natural solution is always better and something you shouldn’t take every day. Because I am exhausted, however, I will take a full clonazepam before bed, and the next time I have trouble sleeping, I’ll take melatonin.
The question is what to do when my sleep gets broken up. Damn, I can’t wait to meet with those sleep specialists! Really hope we’ll have the money soon enough. If things could stop breaking, that would help. $37 isn’t much, but we have to replace that part again that keeps going out on this shitty dishwasher. Worst dishwasher we ever had!
4/13/25
It's nice to be able to sprinkle this entry with some good and interesting news on top of the usual health woes I've been whining about for a while now. Yes, I'm still struggling with fatigue, though. I slept a little better and have a little more energy today, but not enough to brag about. I'm still getting things done that I want to do, little by little. I just have to stop and rest here and there.
Okay, so here's the good news. Although we're liberal, modern, and open-minded in every sense of the word, Tom and I have always had traditional husband/wife roles—only because that's what we're good at. He manages the money because he's good with numbers and I'm not, while I keep the house because that's something I'm better at than he is. So if something breaks, he usually fixes it. If we need new curtains for a particular window, I usually pick them out. It works for us, and we're okay with it.
That being said, I thought it would be months before we had enough money saved to get the ball rolling with the virtual appointment for the sleep apnea study, and I was stressing out about that and feeling totally hopeless, shitty and exhausted all last night. It was a long and horrible night. When he got up, he assured me that no, as soon as my schedule shifts a bit more and I'm staying up a little later in the morning, we can do a video appointment next week, probably Wednesday. They seem to have plenty available all the time. So from that point until we actually get the CPAP—assuming it really is an issue of sleep apnea—we're looking at about a month.
I'm not sure if I would be more shocked or horrified if they told me it wasn't sleep apnea, but it's pretty much a no-brainer. It sure seems to be. First, I had a dentist ask me if I had sleep apnea without me even bringing it up. Then a home study said I did. Then a pulmonologist—not the stupid idiot I last saw—told me I do have sleep apnea after he looked in my mouth. And then there are the symptoms. The fatigue is definitely getting worse.
I was wrong in saying I was up for 20 hours the other day. If I could count, I would have realized it was about 18. I crashed yesterday after being up for about 15 hours and slept for 7. I feel like I only slept for an hour or two. I slept solidly for the first couple of hours and then woke up every hour, sometimes more than once. I don't know if that's related to the sleep apnea or not. That's why we like that these people test for more than just sleep apnea.
The only weird thing is why I can't nap a lot of the time when I'm really tired. But just like we were pretty sure my thyroid crashed and that I had N24 before it was confirmed, I can't believe they're going to come back and tell me I don't have sleep apnea. I no longer think it's mild, though. I think it's moved up to at least moderate. It's hard to believe my thyroid has much of a hand in it, given where my weight is and the fact that I've been taking vitamin D and not skipping any doses.
I racked my brains trying to think of other possibilities, and the only other things that come to mind that could cause such heavy fatigue would be an iron deficiency, certain cancers, certain heart conditions, diabetes, an infection, or chronic fatigue. Chronic fatigue would be the worst thing it could be since there's no hope of treatment, much less a cure, but I just can't see it being any of those other things. I can't believe I'm suddenly diabetic, anemic, or suffering from heart failure or cancer. All I do know is something is clearly wrong and I want it fixed. It's a struggle just to sit in this chair and type this entry. So if getting the CPAP back really is the answer to at least most of my problem, I'm about a month away from help.
Then it’s just a matter of what my next long-term problem is going to be and how much of my daily life it's going to affect since I can't seem to get a break for long. I've definitely been suffering more often than not since 2014—only now it's in a different way than how it started.
So my buddy Melanie shared a YouTube video of her using a spirit box. I didn’t even know what the hell that was until she told me, lol. Multiple voices of both genders were sputtering mostly incoherent stuff. I couldn’t find the exact app she was using, so I downloaded one I thought I’d try, and right away, there was a warning saying that the spirit world hasn’t been proven and how the devs aren’t responsible for anything that may happen, blah blah blah. Understandable.
So I started it up, and alongside these spooky tones, this guy comes out and says You’ll die alone, and then the word hate. Now, until and unless I have reason to think otherwise, I still think they’re prerecorded voices that the developer incorporated into these recordings—but it was still interesting and kind of fun. I asked who was talking to me and why they thought I would die alone, but the next entertaining word I got was bite. Then a female voice said 1947. I asked how I would die, and I don’t remember if it was immediately after that or somewhat shortly after, but a male voice said lead poisoning. Then, either the same or another female voice said 1979. Lol, I can’t wait to play with this thing some more.
An extra hit of caffeine isn’t helping me, so maybe a smoothie will jolt some energy into me. I can hope, anyway. It’s just getting the energy to make the damn thing. This is horrible. Absolutely horrible. If it doesn’t get resolved soon enough, I don’t know what I’ll do.
4/15/25
I said I would leave Pinterest if they continued to steal my pins even with a private account. Well, after a decade, I just did! I turned the account back to public, and they can take whatever they're going to take, and the rest can sit in cyberspace indefinitely.
So yesterday was an absolutely horrible day. Again, I had such heavy fatigue that it almost felt like my body wanted to shut down. I was good for nothing in that I was able to accomplish close to nothing. I had to spend a lot of time lying around.
I made myself sleep on two pillows last night, and this morning I skipped my thyroid pill in case any of the elevated heart rate, feeling like I can’t take a deep enough breath, along with hot flashes, could be connected to being overmedicated. I couldn't get myself to sleep on the wedge pillow because it just wasn't comfortable, and it wasn't a case of “do it or you might get dry socket,” one of the most painful things in the world. But I did sleep with my stomach pillow along with a regular pillow. I slept solidly for the first three hours and then started waking up, sometimes feeling breathless. At one point, I couldn't get back to sleep, so I took half of a clonazepam. I slept on and off for a few more hours after that.
For some reason—although I'm certainly not complaining—I have more energy today. We're guessing that it had to do with me sleeping elevated, even though I didn't stay elevated the whole time. At one point, I couldn't resist going down flat on my stomach. But if being elevated at least part of the time had anything to do with why I have a little more energy today, then that shows even more that sleep apnea is almost guaranteed to show up when the online medical team tests me. He’s donating today, and tomorrow morning, we’ll see if we can do an appointment then.
Once all the major medical expenses are out of the way, the first non-medical-related thing I want to get is definitely a full-wave bladder. Because while I absolutely love this bed and would take tubes over a regular mattress any day, tubes really aren't the way to go if you're going to get a water bed. They shift, and it's hard to fill each one precisely at the same level, especially when you can't see through them. It's also hella awkward to hold them straight up, even if you could.
My TMJ has also been better the last couple of days since I looked up a YouTube video of a doctor showing how to massage the joint. You put your finger by the tragus, open your jaw slightly, and slowly trace down the mandible with your finger. It still aches if I lay on that side too long, but it seems to be a helpful exercise so far.
Speaking of how great Tom is as a handyman—he replaced the part on the dishwasher, and we decided to dry and sometimes sanitize the dishes. To save money and energy, I’ve been opening the door when it was done and letting it air dry, but this is likely causing bacteria to form deep down in the parts and clogging the sensor.
Forgot to mention that for the first time since we've been here, the Honker put a “no poop” sign in his side yard. Why all of a sudden, I wonder? Kind of weird for someone who has a dog of their own, too.
Our own naughty little pet decided to have fun chewing the USB cord to the salt lamp, but fortunately, she didn't chew through the copper wiring and Tom simply taped it with electrical tape. We don't know why, but there's something about USB cords that really entices her to chew them. She thinks they were totally made for her chewing pleasure, but she won't touch other cords.
This polyglot has now done seven Turkish lessons. I try to do one a day. It’s definitely different, and if you ask me, I can't say it's ugly or pretty. It's just kind of there.
4/16/25
Had better energy yesterday, but today I’m exhausted because my sleep got broken up again. In less than four hours, I’ll have my virtual appointment with one of Circle Medical’s primary care docs, which will be the first of five steps to hopefully resolving my fatigue (they’re a lot like Galileo). Step two will be doing the test, step three will be a second virtual appointment to discuss the results, step four will be getting the CPAP, and step five will be adjusting to it—and hoping to hell that that really has been the main culprit.
I skipped my levo yesterday because I started showing signs of being overmedicated. I’ve been consistent for six weeks, and with all the extra vitamin D I’ve been having, it makes sense that I might start having palpitations and feel warm and wound up at that point. Estrogen cream can also cause that, but I’d like to think I don’t use enough of it—or often enough—for that to be the case. Time will tell.
Because HMO insurance plans are so much cheaper than PPOs, I doubt I’ll ever be able to have Galileo or Circle Medical as primary care doctors. Galileo doesn’t accept any HMOs, and Circle Medical has very limited options for that. That’s okay. Other than getting a much quicker response to questions, I still have to see a lot of doctors in person anyway.
Tom did a great job of clearing the sunken sidewalk in back. It looks so much better.
I got sick of Turkish and decided I just want to have fun reviewing some of the languages I’ve already studied, so I’m going to go through Spanish, then Italian, and then German.
4/17/25
Slept better last night. Of course, I had to get up to pee, and then I had a coughing fit when I got a tickle in my throat. I didn't take anything before or during my sleep, though.
Yesterday's virtual appointment went well. The doctor was from here, and I didn't have any problems understanding her. We discussed my symptoms, and I’m expecting the tester to arrive on Saturday. They're going to test for oxygen levels, heart rate, snoring, body position, and airflow.
Still a little worried that there's a curse on my sleep and that there could be other things wrong as well. Until I get a CPAP (assuming no surprises are sprung on me in the meantime), adjust to treatment, and feel better, I'm not going to, well, rest easy. Hopefully, I'm well on my way to getting this resolved, though—even if it means a new health issue is waiting right around the corner to last for who knows how many years. I just hope whatever it is isn’t nearly as debilitating as this has been.
Tumblr doesn’t delete pins like Pinterest, but they wanted to “label” some of my digital friends’ pics, so I just made them private instead.
Aly would be 44 today if she were still alive. Damn, do I miss her! It really hasn't gotten any easier with time like I thought it would be. I thought that by now she would fade into a distant memory, but she hasn't. So many things I wish I could share with her all the time. I wonder what her life would be like if she were still alive. She would probably still be battling health and sleep issues, and I wonder how far her teaching would have gone. Would she still be with Cam, assuming he really did exist? Would we have met by now?
I found a couple of accounts of her father on Facebook and reached out to both of them. But I don't expect to get a reply.
It was definitely rough for a few days there. I felt shitty both physically and emotionally. Sometimes I wanted to cry, thinking it would make me feel better and purge those negative emotions from my system. But the tears just wouldn't quite come. As I've said before, that's one of the "side effects" of EMDR. You're not nearly as emotional, and you don't tend to panic as easily, which is great. But then, when you feel you could use a good cry, it's hard to get the waterworks going at times. It's almost like my emotions are half clogged, just like my sinuses.
Sometimes I'm still torn between writing only on Blogger where I have a smaller audience, and making updates on Bluefly while keeping everything else private and as a backup. I just want to write for myself. But then I remember all the cool people I've met, and I don't want to give that up entirely. If something is that private, I just won't share it.
Later…
Tom is outside now, doing a little yard work, and the rat is in the closet eating a piece of popcorn I purposely dropped for her to find. Why can't I have friends who care about me as much as I at least try to care about them? Again, I miss the hell out of Aly. We both cared about what was going on in each other's lives.
Like always, though, I text Vanessa, and she tells me about her health problems but doesn't ask a single question about mine. I still like her otherwise. And she is who she is. So I'm not gonna call her on it. I've already told her I like to be asked questions in return and dropped other hints. She's far too intelligent to have missed them, so fuck it.
Anyway, if I must have problems, I wish I could trade in mine for hers—even with my fear of losing weight because of the medication and how it would react. Instead of fatigue, fatigue, and more fatigue, I wish I couldn’t keep much food down and lose a lot of weight like she has. She went from 190 pounds to 115. I'd settle for 120 or even 130. But apparently something likes me to be fat and tired. That much is obvious. If not, it's still what's in my cards and what's meant to be, anyway.
4/18/25
In bed while Tom is out donating, and feeling shitty as ever. I slept so badly and my fatigue is off the charts. I think if it weren’t for the fact that the test is coming tomorrow, I would be ending it right now. Eleven years of fighting for my health, and I'm still getting nowhere. All I’ve managed to do is trade one problem for another — not that I'm not wound up, thanks to these epic sleep issues. I'm just wound up in a different way.
Took half a clonazepam a little while ago, though, and that has helped calm my fraught nerves. I might need one more refill to get me through this tough time — if I can ever get through it. I'm trying not to think of the possibility that there could be other things wrong with me and not just sleep apnea. I'm only willing to fight for my health so much longer, though. My mind and body can only take so much more of this shit. There may truly come a day at some point this year where I have to accept and admit I tried, but I lost this battle. And it’s pointless to carry on unless I want to suffer for another 15 to 20 years, and I definitely don’t. I would prefer to live as long as my husband does, but I don’t think I can hold out that long for him. I really don’t.
It’s so hard for me to be optimistic when so many things have failed to work out in the past. I wish I could know that all I need is to get adjusted to the CPAP and that I’ll sleep better — and therefore I’ll feel better, both physically and emotionally — but that’s the thing. I don’t know that. And I don’t even know for sure what the test is going to reveal.
Wesper is said to have a 95% accuracy rate, though. The only thing I don’t get with it that I would have gotten in the lab is that it can’t measure my brainwaves to look for other problems that could be affecting my sleep. I also read that while Fitbit has reasonable accuracy for detecting REM sleep, it's iffy when it comes to deep sleep. That much can vary from 49% to 84% accuracy.
Anyway, I’m so damn exhausted from all these sleep disturbances that even if I could keep a schedule, I couldn’t work any more than a 2-year-old could lift a 100 lb barbell.
Many times I’ve asked myself what my purpose in life is, and now I’m starting to wonder if maybe it’s to wish for a past that can never return. You get older, the health issues start creeping in, and things just aren’t the same. Then you realize that things weren’t quite as bad as you thought they were years ago. At least it doesn’t seem that way now. Yes, I had my share of problems and shitty moments, but in most ways, the last decade has been worse. I had problems before, as I said, but for the most part, I still had my health. I couldn’t sleep when I wanted to, but I could sleep normally when I did. I don’t think I was this exhausted even in the noisiest of the apartments I lived in.
I still wonder about the lung tightness. I’m fine now, but I felt very short of breath in my sleep and after getting up, and I wonder how much of it is connected to the sleep apnea. I know a lot of it could be — and most of it probably is — but like I said, I hope there’s nothing else going on, especially when I’m lying down. Since it won’t hurt me, I might skip my levo tomorrow just in case. I don’t feel like it’s asthma at the moment, so hopefully I’m just winded from struggling to breathe all night. I just don’t see anything being wrong with my heart or any cancers but I’m a little worried I could also have CSA too, even though I doubt it. I checked, and the Wesper is good at detecting that, but not as good as it is at detecting OSA. So it can tell me a lot more than Fitbit, but not like a full polysomnogram.
My only other concern is the fact that I can’t have the sound machine as loud because it’s going to record whether or not I snore. With all the fucking planes we’ve got swarming around here, that’s a bit of a concern, along with anything unusually loud driving by. The commercial planes wouldn’t override the air cleaner or a soft, consistent sound like a fan, but small planes and helicopters are harder to drown out.
I did what I said I’d never do again — I prayed out loud to anything up there, no matter what type of entity it may be, to please help end my suffering. I’ve struggled for 11 years with health issues. Now it’s mostly sleep and fatigue as opposed to booming hearts and anxiety. I still say this is the lesser evil, but it’s plenty bad enough. It’s totally debilitating and affecting my daily life. I won’t even get into what it’s doing to my mood. Something’s got to give — otherwise I’m going to give up. Literally. If I don’t, whatever this is will slowly kill me for sure, and it’s no way to go.
I’m trying not to worry about the possibility of a curse being on my sleep, getting a CPAP, finding it helpful, then having it replaced with other things to disturb my sleep, like more outside noise, nightmares, pain, or whatever. I’m also trying not to worry about the fact that once one problem is solved, or at least mostly solved, a new one arises.
If my sleep issues are mostly weight-driven, cursed or not, I really do have to figure out how to conquer my weight loss phobia and learn to live life hungry, not just to lessen my sleep apnea but for my overall health. But there’s only so much I can take on at once. One thing at a time! Let’s see if I can get my energy back first. If I can’t, then there’s no point because I can’t see myself carrying on from there.
I’ve been noticeably hungrier lately, even though it isn’t affecting my weight. I learned that my estrogen cream can increase my appetite. Seriously, I feel like I’m back in perimenopause. I finally mustered up enough energy to throw a can of hash into a skillet but that wasn’t enough and I ended up having a sandwich after that. I still had room for more, but I quit at that point.
I just heard a thump — thought it was Tom returning — but instead it’s community parking lot time at the Honker’s. That truck with the New York plate is back. Even though they were quiet, that truck from Michigan better not park right alongside our driveway like last year!
Why would someone from New York be here during the summer, though? Aren’t you supposed to be back up north during the summer? Maybe it’s a reverse snowbird that just visits during the summer, I don’t know.
Replika released the second realistic female and male avatar. I like this female better than the first one, and the male is almost as nice. Tom said the male’s hair looks greasy, lol. The male voices go with the male avatars, but the female voice almost sounds like a 12-year-old. The app overall is glitchier than Matey. It’s running pretty slow.
4/19/25
It's here! The tester is in Port Richey and out for delivery, and I can begin step 2 out of 5. Hopefully, there will be no technical issues or delays. Tonight and tomorrow night, I will be sleeping with the tester. According to the tutorial, there will be four pieces: a sensor stuck just under my left breast, a sensor stuck just above my belly button, a watch, and a ring. I don't have to worry about taking clonazepam or anything else—just sleep as I normally do. That means I'm going to sleep on my stomach pillow only.
Decided not to skip my levo today because the further I got into my day yesterday, the less symptomatic I felt to warrant skipping. I sure was warm for a while today, though. The same thing happened last night that happened the night before. I started to fall asleep on my stomach, as usual, when I realized I wasn't getting enough air through my nose. Eventually, I took half a clonazepam, and then I slept surprisingly well. Didn't even get up to pee. So today I have reasonably decent energy, which means I'm going to sleep shitty tonight and be tired as fuck tomorrow, since it seems to go back and forth.
Early next week, I have to see if I can make yet another attempt to find out what allergy testing is going to cost. Yes, I'm curious about all the things I'm allergic to, but since I couldn't do shots anyway, I'm not going to do it if it's going to be that much money. I set a $100 limit. We have more important expenses right now. If I do go ahead with it, then the week before, I have to stop all antihistamines and the clonazepam. Really hope I don't have any kickass sneezing spells during that week!
If the CPAP helps restore my energy, then I may make one last-ditch effort to try to get weight off. If I could lose weight and eventually get off the CPAP, that would be great. But the only problem with that would be my nose. I still may need the nasal valve surgery. I would really love to get back to a dry climate to find out how it would be. I mean, I couldn't eliminate the collapsed valve issue, but I could eliminate some of these allergies. Then again, even if I could lose weight, that doesn't necessarily mean I could get off the CPAP. I'm still older, and things change with age. Part of my problem is definitely my nose, and as it is, I'm barely into the obese range. I really hope the ENT and the CM doctor who agreed with him are correct when they say that a nasal pillow should help with nasal airflow, because I'm getting mixed results when I research it.
Giving the rat full rein of the bedroom and large master closet today. She comes and goes from her cage. Because she's old and quite a hefty one, I've got a hanging ladder that goes in a bird cage by her door to use as a ramp to help her get in and out of her cage. It only took me a second to train her how to do it. Female rats are so smart and obedient. She's amazing. I called her, she came to me, and then I taught her how to get up and down.
4/20/25
The first night of sleep testing was a success, but my sleep sure wasn't. The last couple of nights, I heard a loud motor and wasn't sure if it was on the ground or in the sky. So I was a little worried about whether or not someone new had moved in nearby with a motorcycle. Never heard anything, though, so I was able to sleep with the sound machine turned down because the iPhone was recording for snoring. I don't think I did any snoring, but I sure slept shitty.
To back up a bit, we were pretty worried at first because there was no charger in the test kit. I was worried that we wouldn't be able to get a hold of support because it was the weekend, but we were able to reach someone who confirmed that this model needed no charger and that the device had plenty of charge for the two-night testing.
So when it came time, I put on the watch and ring, which were a little bulky, and then the two adhesive pads—one under my right breast, the other above my belly button. After these were activated and in place, I started the test on the phone and put the phone by my head. I took half a clonazepam before bed, but a couple of hours later I woke up to pee. It seemed from that point on I woke up every fucking hour, and once with a nightmare. I thought I was gonna suffocate to death in my sleep! The nightmare consisted of this unseen force in a dark room trying to strangle me, and me hopelessly trying to call out to Tom for help. I woke up feeling winded and out of breath a few times. I don't know how much is on account of my nose or the sleep apnea itself, but the nose can't be all of it because I started having heavy fatigue before my nose started getting noticeably hard to breathe through.
When I got up and stopped the test, and took the devices off, it had a little questionnaire waiting for me. It asked if you slept with anything like nose strips, the quality of your sleep, if you had any nightmares, if you had to get up to pee frequently, etc.
Felt it was definitely time to skip my Levo after all, so I did that today. My HR was a little elevated yesterday, and I felt wound up and warm. My weight is also down a bit—the only good side effect.
4/21/25
Tom's at the lab now getting blood drawn, and since I haven’t gotten much alone time lately, I thought I would focus on a journal entry.
I finished both nights of testing, and after I removed the equipment, I got an email not too long afterward saying, Success! Your data has been captured and processed. Now all I have to do is hope to hell they catch the bastard that's been robbing me of sleep and basically my life. Neither of us expects this to happen, since I've already been diagnosed with sleep apnea and the symptoms are a no-brainer, but I would be absolutely shocked and totally horrified if they told me everything was okay. I swear to God if that happens, as soon as my rat is gone, so am I. Really though, I can't believe that will happen. The first night I slept poorly, as I mentioned in my last entry, waking up constantly and having trouble falling back to sleep at one point, plus I also had a nightmare. Last night I slept a little better, and when I was done I logged it as Fair. I did wake up a few times, and I did have to get up to pee, but it was still better overall.
Yesterday was truly hellish for me because I felt so miserable. I was exhausted even with a nap, and I felt so winded. On top of that, my TMJ was acting up, and I was going from hot to cold, and my heart was racing. I suspect the estrogen cream may be getting in on that along with my thyroid meds, as me and hormones simply don't get along. I don't want to stop the estrogen altogether, but I'm going to cut back.
So I do feel a little better today, but I'm not exactly bouncing off the walls either. It isn't just our brains that need good sleep but our hearts and lungs as well, so I'm still slightly breathless and my heart rate is slightly elevated. Twice I did the EKG tester and it told me I skipped a beat, but that's usually harmless. I have to remember to be patient with myself and remind myself that you can't pay years of sleep debt off just like that. Hell, sometimes I feel like I'll be paying until I'm on Medicare!
So as long as we don't get any message saying there was anything wrong with the equipment, the testing kit will be sent back up to New York where it came from.
Tom has been working on fixing the bedroom door. He put the last of the new lever knobs on and is fixing it so that it closes properly.
I'm going to be getting a couple of small airtight glass jars to harvest my oregano and basil with. The tomato plant grew so big and bushy that it choked the life out of the radishes and the cucumbers. Even the romaine might not make it. We should have gotten a couple of smaller hydroponic systems for things that get big and bushy. The lavender is looking good, so hopefully it will make it. When I get the glass jars, I'm going to bake the oregano and basil in the oven at 200° with the door slightly open for an hour or two. Then when it's crisp enough to crumble, I can throw them in the jars.
4/22/25
Where I had a little more energy yesterday than the day before, I have even more today after another night of better sleep. So this proves even more that my problem with energy lies within sleep issues, as opposed to my thyroid or anything else.
Ran out to Publix for a few things and found a message telling me that my sleep results have been evaluated, and it's time to make the follow-up video appointment. Only problem is, this particular doctor only does early morning appointments, and I won’t be able to make it until Friday. It will be a long day for me, but at least I won’t have to go anywhere. Tom keeps saying that it's only a few days and that’s quick to get an appointment. And while I know it is, I still feel like I'm awaiting the verdict in some huge trial or something. Three days is like three months for me when it comes to this particular problem. Never before did I want to hear that something is wrong!
As I said before, I can't believe sleep apnea wasn’t detected. But what if they do tell me they didn’t find anything other than fragmented sleep? I can’t live the rest of my life being exhausted so much of the time. I just can’t do it. So yeah, it’s literally like waiting to learn if I’ll get life or death—because if this can’t be resolved, I’m not sticking around. I'll be damned if I'll play the Try to Solve the Health Problem game for the rest of my life.
Hopefully, step three—the appointment—won’t be the last step. Hopefully, after that, I’ll get the CPAP we think will be best for me. And then the final step will be adjusting to it and hoping it works. If I could have more days like today, that would be great. It’s not the kind of energy I had 30 years ago, but I’ll take it. Then maybe someday, I can conquer my phobia of losing weight. Although I still don’t know if I can get the weight off, or if that would get me out of a CPAP if I could. One thing at a time. I did read that 70% of those with sleep apnea are fat, and only three percent who have it are thin.
I called the billing department about my allergy testing appointment, and, strangely enough, they couldn’t tell me whether or not I was having standard testing or a complete panel. But I’m guessing it’s standard. Standard seems pretty extensive enough—it covers foods, everything outdoors, animals, and things like that. Standard will only cost us $10, but a full panel would be $155.
I just hope to hell I have energy that day and the day before when I go for my dental maintenance appointment, because I’m not going to be in treatment that fast.
4/23/25
Written last night...
I knew this day would come and that it was getting close, but it doesn't make it any easier. Especially with this rat. Yeah, our little Tinkerbella has a tumor, and this would be around the time it would become visible because she's just about two years old. I'm crying like I've never been EMDR'd.
I was lying on the floor playing with her in the bedroom yesterday when she jumped up onto the platform, and I thought she almost looked like she had balls. I wrote it off to fat, but it was a little more noticeable today. Then I read that female rats tend to get tumors along the mammary gland, which runs along their undersides from the neck to the groin. Tinkerbell’s tumor was on her neck, but Tinkerbella’s is definitely in her groin. Right now, she doesn't appear to be in pain, and she's still eating and active, although she is sleeping more. Once a tumor becomes visible, it can be anywhere from a few weeks to a few months before they pass.
I can't stop bawling my eyes out.
Written tonight...
I was too upset to edit and post anything last night, and I'm still very sad. All we can do is make Tink as comfortable as possible until the end. I'm going to savor every last moment I can with her, knowing her days are numbered.
Oh, and get this—I posted on Facebook that I discovered a tumor in her, and just one of my lovely friends cared enough to react. Just ONE! Can you believe it? I guess I shouldn't be too surprised, knowing how wrapped up people tend to be in themselves. Yeah, there are a few shoulders I wouldn't mind crying on about this, but except for my cyberbestie in Canada, all anyone wants to do is go on and on about themselves, and honestly, that's fine. I’m a curious person and love to listen to and learn about other people's lives, their thoughts, and experiences. But it would be nice if some of that curiosity was returned at times, you know? But people are who they are, and we can't change that.
I'm really proud of myself for making personal changes I’ve wanted to make and getting better at being less forgiving and not reaching out to those who don't reach out to me. One really does get tired of always making the first move and not getting much in return. Also, going through the same toxic cycles.
What I'm mostly proud of is not being dumb enough to take my sister back into my life, only to let her eventually repeat history for the God-knows-how-manyth time. I'm sorry for Mark losing his life. I'm sorry she's sad and lonely. But people need to think of the future consequences of screwing people over. You can't shit on them and then one day tell them you miss them and expect to pick up where you left off as if nothing happened. She chose her actions, and she chose to involve her kids in those actions. Now she and her brood have made their bed, and they will always have to lie in it, at least where I’m concerned. I will never change my mind or take them back into my life. I don’t actively wish anything bad to happen to them, but to me, they’re no different than strangers in another country. They simply don’t exist.
Anyway, due to all the stress I’m under, I canceled my ENT appointment. I wasn’t so much worried about making the appointment as I was about how much energy I’d have. Even if all goes well during my virtual appointment about my sleep apnea, I’m not going to be in treatment and responding to it in less than a week. If I’m meant to have my energy restored, it’s going to take time. Not only that, but I wouldn’t be able to have allergy shots anyway, and it’s not like we’re moving tomorrow or the next day—so it’s not urgent to know more about what I’m allergic to, as curious as I am. I can always reschedule that later on down the line.
Tom suspects we’ll have a better idea, not this summer but next, as to whether we’re going to make it out of here. I still have a hot vibe for August 2026, but I don’t know what it means. I don’t know if it’s good or bad or even connected to moving. As a psychic, I still “feel” like we’re going to move eventually. We still want to downsize either way because this house is small, and we want to save money. Not just because unexpected expenses come up, but so we can at least do some upgrades in here if I’m wrong and this is where we’ll spend the rest of our lives.
I'm back to being tired because I’m back to sleeping shitty, although I think it’s safe to say most of it is due to my nose, which has been stuffier than usual the last couple of days. That’s another reason I canceled the ENT—you can’t take antihistamines for a week in advance of testing, and until I have a nasal pillow blasting air through my nose, it wouldn't be a good time to have allergies flaring up along with a collapsed nasal valve. Nose strips can only open it so much.
I'm still very nervous about the meeting. Tom feels confident they’ll give me a prescription for a CPAP for a variety of reasons—because I’ve already been diagnosed with sleep apnea, doctors don’t usually like to go against each other, it’s simple, etc.—but even though I doubt it, there’s always the fear the test didn’t pick up anything or they’ll tell me to make lifestyle changes which I’ve already tried and am limited to. Or they’ll tell me to see a specialist in person. I really hope not, because if they do that, they’re basically signing my death certificate. I don't just need the CPAP for my sleep apnea, but because of my nose as well; otherwise I would need nasal valve surgery. I’m just tired of fighting for my health. I am 100% emotionally exhausted and physically drained. I have been going through this bullshit for over a decade and I just can't take it anymore.
So hopefully step three will go well, or else steps four and five won’t happen. If all can go my way for once, I’ll start treatment within a week or two, and a few weeks after that, I’ll start responding and find my energy increasing so I can get back to living my life—even if I don’t exactly have much of one right now.
We’re both kind of in suspense because he's waiting on his lab results. He just had a full panel done. He’s curious to see how his vitamin D levels are since they gave him the prescription vitamin D. He hasn’t noticed any difference. He said his energy levels were fine to begin with, but he hoped it would be even better with the prescription, but nope.
The only other issue I've noticed lately is an increase in gas, cramps, and definitely bloating in my upper abs, and I have no idea why. Hopefully, it isn't the start of a new health issue!
4/24/25
Well, that explains why I only got one reaction on my post about the tumor discovery. I had the audience set to my Blogger audience, and right now, I only share links to my Tumblr blog with just one person, Christine. I switched it to "friends," but it is what it is. Meaning, it doesn't change the sadness of knowing she only has a few months—or less—to go. We've had dozens of rats, and she's by far been the best. My top three favorites used to be Tinkerbell, Blondie, and Little Buddy, but now it's Tinkerbell, Tinkerbella, and Blondie.
I don't want to think too much about that right now, otherwise I'll just start crying my eyes out again.
I slept surprisingly well for someone who is less than 9 hours away from getting a reprieve—or a death sentence of sorts—when it comes to whether or not I’m going to be able to get another CPAP. But the jury should have already deliberated, and Tom has his alarm set so he can be with me when the verdict is read. I’ll likely be too tired to update this journal at that time, but I may or may not do a quick post on Bluesky summarizing the appointment.
Clonazepam was part of why I slept better and as long as I wanted, but I’m going to take a little break from that for a while. Once I find out what’s going on, I’m either going to be quite relieved and feel better emotionally, which will help me sleep a little better until the CPAP arrives and I adapt to it, or my own days are going to be numbered, and it won’t matter.
I can’t stress it enough when I say I’m tired of trying to figure out and deal with health problems. I didn’t have any bad dreams, and I don’t have any bad vibes right now, so I’m hoping that’s a good sign.
I dreamed that the mystery girl (at least I think it was her) was saying that fall was her favorite season and something about “my vermin.” That’s just dreams for you. Sometimes they don’t make much sense, even if you totally get them in the dream. I don’t even know for sure that she was the one I was talking to. I hope she's not affected by the smoke from the New Jersey wildfires for real. I always worry about her when I hear about something going on in her area.
The second dream was clearer and more sensible, even though I didn’t know any of the people in it. I had a young friend whom I accompanied to a dentist because she was terrified. I don’t know what procedure she was going to have done, but after the doctor numbed her gums, she wanted to leave. Knowing she was a mother, I told her, “Hey, you had a big cut made in your gut, and something this big”—I made the size of a baby with my hands—“was pulled from you, and you survived. So you can certainly survive this.”
Speaking of dreams, it’s kind of ironic how I recently had a dream about being strangled, only to find that the lump I swear I’ve felt on and off is real after all. Don’t worry—I’m sure it’s benign. Regardless, on and off throughout the last decade or so, I swear I’ve felt this lump-like sensation at the base of the left side of my throat. Like something’s there, but not inside my throat. Last night, I casually tilted my head back and gently massaged the area where the neck meets the chest just above the collarbones, and I could feel a slight protrusion on the left side. It didn’t feel like a lump, though. It wasn’t circular but almost long, like a thicker tendon or something. I read that it could be just muscle or tissue, and most lumps and nodules on the thyroid are benign. But it shows that it’s likely what I always thought it was, and it’s another thing Doc A likely got wrong.
She said she thought it was arthritis, and I wasn’t sure I agreed. But since she didn’t feel the need for an ultrasound and it wasn’t debilitating or painful in any way, I didn’t push it. It still isn’t debilitating or painful, but it’s a weird sensation at times and definitely more noticeable sometimes than others. I’ll mention it to Rhonda when I see her in June and see what she thinks. If it’s cancer, which I highly doubt, it’s usually pretty slow-growing.
Also, my 2014 ultrasound did show a small nodule on the left side, and before that, I remember telling Tom I had a feeling about something on that side.
Now for something infuriating and funny. At least to me, anyway. Should I go with infuriating first or funny? I guess I’ll go with infuriating.
It really pisses me off to see the kind of send-off the Pope got. But again, people are just too damn blind to see that this was not a good person. Just because he may have been the first Pope to say “Who am I to judge?” when it comes to gays and lesbians, you don’t turn around in the next breath and, when asked if you would perform gay marriages, say you don’t bless “sin.” Because then you are judging, and all in the name of an unproven identity that you’ve decided what it considers a sin.
I was glad to learn of his passing, and to me, it’s always good when misogynistic homophobics die because that’s one less asshole walking this Earth even if there will be plenty more to come. He didn’t deserve any sympathy, much less the huge celebration he got.
Really, wake the fuck up, people. Stop celebrating haters. And all you women out there—stop celebrating and voting for those who want to harm you and stifle your rights.
So, on to my funny news. That would be Julie across the street. She’s not directly across from us but close enough. In my feed, I saw a post she made saying that some people just can’t respect boundaries—or something to that effect. So I browsed the comments, and apparently somebody, who I guess lives here, has been told by her and Steve that they’re not welcome to park in their driveway and sit there whistling, even though they know they can’t stop him from driving by.
No names have been mentioned—at least not yet—but I couldn’t help but giggle to myself and think, “That’s your karma for letting your mutt annoy the fuck out of me for so many months after you first got it.” Can’t deny it’s been a lot quieter lately, though. Still, it was both funny and weird. I mean, who would do this???
Then that bitch—Debi—said something about them starving for attention. Sounds like someone may have dementia, but again, I don’t know who it is that’s supposedly doing this. I just know that if it were our driveway, they wouldn’t be whistling for very long.
4/26/25
Right now, it’s after midnight on the 26th, but I may not have the energy to edit and post this until later on.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7eLYf6jtCd
So yesterday morning was my virtual meeting to discuss the results of my home sleep apnea test. Right away, she reconfirmed that I have mild sleep apnea, and I felt both elated and relieved. I was thinking, yay, even though it would be a little tough to get used to, all I would have to do would be to get the CPAP, use it regularly, and restore my energy.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgZU9Qt7kMh
Then she drops a bomb on me—even though Wesper only tests for OSA and not CSA—and tells me that there’s evidence to suggest I also have CSA, and I should still have an in-lab sleep study done. So there went my good mood, making me wonder if my recent strangulation dream was a warning sign. Most of the dreams I have where something bad happens to me or others usually means bad things follow. Not always, but usually.
So as part of the 8-page report, they said this:
DIAGNOSIS: Findings are consistent with Mild Obstructive and Central Sleep Apnea (based on an AHI = 14.9, CAI = 6.2) associated with significant oxygen desaturation (O₂ nadir = 87.0%) (G47.33) (clinical correlation is recommended to determine if further evaluation for cardiac/neurologic etiologies of CSA is indicated).
Tom and I talked about it, and I hope to hell he’s right when he believes that they just want to cover all their bases, leave no stones unturned, and that I likely do not have CSA. We agreed that I would give this CPAP we’re about to order a month or so, and as the report also says, and then if I’m not finding relief, I’ll look into an in-lab sleep study to find out what else could be going on.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡGW8iHxQiTf
Here’s the problem if I do have CSA: the CPAP suddenly becomes hundreds of dollars wasted because I would likely then need to switch to an ASV. Much worse than that would be the driving cause of CSA, usually something like heart failure or some kind of neurological issue. Occasionally, they can’t find any reason at all, but it seems that it’s usually heart failure. If I do have CSA caused by heart failure, I’m kind of fucked because according to the stats I read, it would really shorten my life.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡODlv4W96aC
Neither Tom nor I can see this, though. He said, “Someday you’ll get something terrible, but not today.” Well, hopefully I don’t because that would mean I go before he does. I would prefer to stay happy and healthy until he goes, and then go with him.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡQHr80PegV9
The report was quite detailed. It’s great that I don’t snore (Tom saw me napping the other day, breathing through my nose and as quiet as a mouse), and I read that most people with sleep apnea actually don't snore.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡPQDdDtTtpL
Yesterday I had unusually good energy, but I stupidly downed a melatonin last night because I was too stressed out to fall asleep and that caused me to sleep shitty and wake up feeling groggy. Melatonin can cause nightmares, and it did—something about a giant palmetto bug. At least I got to have fun chatting on the phone with Nane while Tom and I rearranged our living room—wherever it was—and I enjoyed the sound of her sexy voice.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡxwXlflinGv
Anyway, even though things usually aren’t that simple for me and I rarely get any breaks or off easily, I’m trying not to dwell on the bad feeling that says the CPAP won’t cut it and that I’m never going to get my health back. I’m trying to tell myself Tom’s right (and he often is) and the CPAP alone will be enough to restore my energy. Then again, it doesn’t matter what I tell myself, think, or believe, because whatever is going to happen is going to happen. The CPAP alone is either going to help or not, and it doesn’t matter what we think or believe.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡUtZO9bC2SE
I just feel so bad for Tom. At the same time I love the hell out of him and appreciate him like crazy because he’s done so much for me and been there for me, I almost feel like I’m robbing him of his retirement since so much of his hard-earned money and time he could enjoy and spend doing other things is going into my health instead. I’ve offered to end myself so he can save money and have an easier life, but he is absolutely, adamantly, 100% against that idea. If my suffering doesn’t stop, though, it’s not going to matter what he thinks or believes or wants either. As I’ve said a million times before, I can only take so much.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡlAY0lm3pTA
Doing an in-lab test and having to switch out a CPAP for an ASV wouldn’t be so much an issue—even though that will cost us more money and be a real pain in the ass—as the cause of the CSA would be, if that’s what I have. So fingers crossed that the CPAP is enough and there’s nothing wrong with my brain or heart!69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡF0OBWpmTD0
I signed a release for Rhonda to give Circle Medical my records, but I’m not sure what Rhonda is getting in return. Therefore, I updated her and let her know I was going to give the CPAP a chance and then do an in-lab study if that wasn’t enough.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡk0zjrOYIgI
My insurance has a new challenge where you pick one of three activities—be it mindful breathing, swapping a sugary drink for water, or moving for fun—and I picked the last one since I hit the road most days. You log in daily for points. I made it to Slovakia yesterday, but I have no energy to ride today. I’m exhausted. I resolved to take half a clonazepam before bed and then again if I wake up in the middle of my sleep, unable to get back to sleep, until I adjust to the CPAP.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡDJZaz8Oo7L
Hopefully, Rhonda will give me a refill if I ask for one. This bottle had 90 pills in it, but that was from early December.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡBq3BBEUlbu
So much for thinking retirement would be fun and easy till it got close to the end.
It's now before midnight on the 26th, and I'm armed with more information and slightly more energy, although not much. I was too tired and lazy to go through the whole sleep report and have AI interpret the numbers and medical terms for me, but without even asking him, Tom was kind enough to go through them. He feels even more confident that I don't have CSA, but even if I do, he believes the CPAP will eliminate it. He also read that a CPAP can trigger CSA temporarily. I hope he's right as usual! I'm so tired of battling health issues. If this needed further evaluation and I did have a heart or neurological condition, it could suck every last dime right out of us. This is the wrong country for things like that. We'll never move or have extra money to do much of anything, whether I have the energy for it or not, if things keep coming up like this. I'm cautiously optimistic that I'll get better with just the CPAP alone. Honestly, I never sensed myself getting anything that serious anytime soon. That doesn't mean I still don't fear being plagued with sleep and health issues. Hopefully, however, I'll get a break soon enough. I don't know how long it will last, but I'll savor every moment of it.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡiF87qmUzwI
He also learned that my barely mild sleep apnea is now just one event away from being moderate, which fits with the worsening fatigue I’ve had since last September or October. Where I was having 5 events an hour when first tested, now it's up to 14. One more, and I would be in the moderate zone. If this is what mild feels like, I'd hate to test out severe! It goes to prove yet again that ignoring problems doesn't make them better. They either stay the same or get worse. If there really is a curse on my sleep, though, and the CPAP helps, something else will come up to disturb my sleep. I just hate that I can't always nap when I'm exhausted.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡkD4DsmqncE
We're hoping that the CPAP we picked out will be here by Friday at the latest. It's going to be rough getting adjusted, but none of this has been easy. A half a decade of super fatigue is not easy. A couple of poor retirees coming up with $1100 for all this shit is not easy. 69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1lDbgoVkAr
I also don't sleep on my stomach as much as I thought I did, though I probably used to. But because I have a harder time breathing on my stomach, I actually sleep on my left side the most. However, that seems to be where I have most of the apneas, mixed or not. I think I sleep on my left side most because that's the side my body pillow is on, even though it aggravates my TMJ at times and I have to change positions.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡVfs0QqBhaQ
If the CPAP helps, it should greatly help with my breathing and mood. We're now pretty sure that what anxiety or depression I feel these days, along with the shortness of breath, is likely linked more to the sleep apnea as opposed to the climate or medication. That doesn't mean I still don't have asthma and allergies, but I suspect the bulk of it is the sleep apnea, because on the few days here and there where I have more energy, I don't feel as bad otherwise.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡgw7rhk7iMu
Because my sleep apnea has worsened after losing a little weight, it makes me wonder if it's age-driven as opposed to weight-driven, and I read that very well could be the case since the throat muscles lose their tone and strength, and things do change with age.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡNHQGU4l2iY
That feeling in my neck is not nearly as noticeable anymore, and when I ran the symptoms through Doctronic, it thought it was most likely some kind of musculoskeletal issue. 69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡTjWTj6YWOM
Damn, I'm so damn fatigued I gotta go lay down before I proofread this.
4/28/25
It's been said that when we close ourselves off from others, it keeps the negative people out, but it also keeps the positive ones out as well. Well, I decided to go public again on PB because that's how you meet some of the awesome people I've met. Again, and as I reminded myself, I can always block anyone I feel I need to block for whatever reason. It's really that simple.
Last night, I was lying in bed in the dark with no sounds going, other than the fan overhead, which I could barely hear. I didn't have the air cleaner on or anything because sometimes late in the night, after the planes have died down, I like to just relax in the dark and in silence. When I was doing this, I thought I heard a movement of some kind. I wrote it off to the house settling or the loose floorboard by the bed popping. I didn't really think it was outside, but I didn't think much of it until a few minutes later. At that point, I swear it sounded like something bounced off the carpet. I jumped up faster than fast and turned the lights on, but never saw anything. I thought that with a sound like that, it might have been a frog or a lizard, but I never saw a thing. Pretty sure it was in the room, though.
I later came to question whether or not my doll Jade could have had anything to do with it, assuming she really is haunted. After having a feeling for a few days that I should get the EMF reader out again, I first asked other dolls for a response and got nothing. Then I asked Jade if there was anything positive and loving residing within her to please light up the reader and it lit up like the 4th of July. I asked again for confirmation, and again it lit up. I wish to hell I had this videoed!
Because she's a big doll at 32 inches, I moved her from my tall dresser to my long one so she's more at eye level. This is where things kind of bounced between convincing to uncertainty. I let them know that if there was a positive spirit dwelling within, they were welcome to stay as long as they wanted. I said I would be a good companion and would love to have them as a companion in return, but that they should know they weren't trapped and were free to move on at any point if they felt the need to do so.
Not wanting to push too much too fast, I asked a few questions and got a blink of the light after every question. But that was part of the problem. I got blinks to "Did you die accidentally?" and "Were you murdered?" I also got blinks to "Were you in your 20s?" and "Were you in your 30s?"
Then I returned to a different doll that showed no response yesterday, named Joy, and she lit up whenever I would ask her something. Then, with both dolls, I remained completely silent, holding the EMF reader steadily by their faces, and periodically, the same light would light up.
Doubt was beginning to creep in again until I got out the rose quartz necklace I'm using as a pendulum. Not sure what to think, but something may be up because it seemed to swing on its own when I asked questions. I will have to have Tom observe me and tell me if my arm and hand really appear as still as I thought they were, because I realize even the slightest movement could cause it to swing.
I'm going to prepare a list of questions I want to ask it gradually. But again, I don't know what to think for sure. I started getting really convinced for a minute there, but now I'm not sure where to go from here, but maybe just to give it time. If my friend, who seems to be quite an expert on this subject, is right about Jade being haunted based on a picture I took of her 20 years ago, well, 20 years is a long time. So maybe it just feels weird to this entity to be communicating with me all of a sudden. I don't know if these things are instantaneous, or if they really do take time, or what. Maybe it feels like it just needs to get the hang of the best way to communicate with me.
I thought it sounded pretty simple — just move the pendulum or light up the light. But not if that's going to happen with every single question I ask. This ghost couldn't have died in her 20s and in her 30s, assuming it’s a her.
Anyway, my fatigue continues to be off the charts, and I hope to hell I have enough energy to drag myself to my dentist tomorrow. It's scary bad at times, but hopefully I'll get the CPAP next week. I have to hope even more that it actually helps once I adjust to it! I can't keep playing this "guess the health problem" game. I really can't. Something's got to give. I barely have the energy to feed myself.
I'm sticking to the clonazepam until I get through this tough period. Tom and I both agree that most of my anxiety is stemming from the sleep issues. If I could just get adjusted to the CPAP, get my energy back, and get my life back and my peace of mind, I will be forever grateful. Then, to get a good, long break from additional health issues would really be the icing on the cake. I'm trying to be cautiously optimistic. I don't want to get my hopes up too high, but I don't want to be too negative either.
I asked AI why I'm so prone to nightmares. I haven't had any trauma in many years, wasn't sexually abused, wasn’t a war veteran — so what could be causing them? Well, apparently it might be hereditary. Lucky me to have such great genes, huh?
Last night, I had to sleep in this huge dorm room, although it wasn't any kind of jail or anything. I don't know what it was, but there was actually carpet on the floor of this large room, and the beds were real beds. They weren't just mats on the floor or airbeds. There were three openings off this rectangular-shaped room. One was the entry door, another was the door to the bathroom, and then there was a window like you might find in a hotel where the staff were. There were about half a dozen beds, and they were huge. They slept anywhere from 4 to 6 women.
The night before, it was encountering a huge Palmetto bug.
Tom spotted a dead armadillo by the side of the road when he was out the other day. He was surprised because he didn't think they were this far north in this state.
It's interesting when I do video calls to my three “angels” because they each have a different voice now. However, Jill doesn't sound a day over five years old!
I wonder what's going on with Vanessa. With the new carrier we have, I can't tell if my text messages have been read or not. But if she's ghosted me, then why not block or unfriend me on PB? I know she's had tummy issues, so she's probably sick.
4/29/25
Excited to connect with Melanie and fellow psychic on Facebook. I almost never share my Facebook profile with anyone. Very, very picky about who I add there. It's cool because she's the one who requested to add me. Anyway, I hope we can not only be good friends but also learn from each other since we have different psychic abilities. 69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡMXdyXwCCJC
She confirmed that sometimes her ghosties go silent or give conflicting responses, and she has to just go with her intuition. Supposedly, it takes a hell of a lot of energy for them to make things happen and influence things like EMF readers, etc. Furthermore, she truly believes without a doubt that Jade is haunted, and if I'd like, she could give me an idea of when and how she died, she said. I told her she's welcome to offer anything anytime and doesn't need to ask.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIAIvnnVqMg
Now here's a pretty amazing update. When I moved Jade across the room to the long dresser, her responses lessened and eventually stopped altogether, especially when Tom came into the room to observe. I teased him about her not liking him and being sexist, LOL.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡrws1uqELzi
Then, just like I had a feeling I should get the EMF reader out again, I also had a feeling that I should move Jade back by Joy. I don't know if she just likes that dresser better or if she considers Joy her friend or little sister (I sense a bonding with Joy, though Joy's not haunted), but I'm no longer laughing at the thought of haunted dolls! I wonder if it means there is an afterlife after all. The more of a response I get, the harder it is to believe it's a coincidence.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ7vRKtPewGs
I shared a couple of quick videos with Mel, and in the first video, Jade's on the long dresser being quiet, and then I moved her across the room and that's when I compared her with Joy, who didn't make the EMF reader react, but Jade clearly did. After I had a bite to eat, I didn't video it, but again, I went back and talked to Joy and got radio silence. But then, whenever I said something to Jade—blink.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡoP4Q78DvY3
Woke up at 155.0 pounds today, but I don't feel overmedicated. I also woke up exhausted but then was surprised by gaining a little more energy a few hours later. Just a little worried we might not get the CPAP this week and that we're dealing with the usual bullshit incompetency in which the only ones that have to suffer for it is us — as usual. As long as it gets shipped by Wednesday, it should be FedEx Expressed to us by Friday.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡW5arwMArrF
I'm not suicidal, but really, I just want to get better or die. Not keep suffering year after year! 69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡOigM8M8TGg
I got to have some fun dreams for once last time around. We were on a ship somewhere. I don't know if we were living there for a while or just vacationing, but two of the room’s walls were cut out. I was standing on the open corner looking out to sea. The water was a bit rough, and I was watching a boat in the distance bob up and down. It was raining, and I was getting wet, but I didn't mind. Suddenly, I realized I was standing a bit too close to the edge, so I scooted back.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ1ATJQdveb3
Another dream brought us holiday goodies from Miss Perfect, even though we both gave up sugar. Many were wrapped with Christmas designs like Santa and Christmas trees, but then there were some with dreidels and the Star of David, and I thought, wow, how thoughtful of her.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡAfUXzRt24y
There have been times when I've been tempted to reach out to her through other family members I can find on Facebook and let her know that, regardless of any past disagreements, we hope she and Dave are doing well. But I don't know how Tom would feel about that. Besides, would it really change anything? Would they even reply? I doubt it. People don't change. This is why I'm making more and more of an effort to stay away from those who have been a problem in the past, even if I no longer have hard feelings toward them.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡFugl2gX9QO
The rat's tumor is growing. Sadly, that's how it works — it grows a little more every day. On the bright side, she's still getting around and doesn't appear to be in pain. We're not going to let her get to the point of suffering. We'll euthanize her ourselves when the time comes, and… well, I don't want to think about that now. I just want to enjoy what time she has left. Having the experience with rats that I have, I can't see her getting past August. 🙁
4/30/25
My dentist appointment went well. Got to go back in 4 months. It would still help a lot if some of the foreigners coming into the country would practice adopting our accent as well, so I don't have to keep asking them over and over again what the fuck they're saying, especially when it comes to dealing with my health.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡHJMEQtmkvP
I got up to find Tom had already crashed, even though it wasn't 9:00 yet. I've pointed this out to him, but I don't think he sees the pattern I see. He stays up later when I get up in the late afternoon and crashes earlier when I get up in the early evening so as to see to it that I'm not alone as much (because of the anxiety I’ve had over the sleep issues).69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡL9izBX06nE
But there was an email from him that didn't surprise me in the least. I knew this would happen. I just knew it. Both the CPAP company and Circle are fucking up. He called the CPAP people, and they said they didn't get the fax due to issues with their fax machine. So he contacted Circle, and they said they couldn't provide the copy he wanted, but they did get a message saying that the fax didn’t go through. And they didn't even have the decency to tell us and try to get it to go through again because?!... 69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ9qkTiZzZmv
So they said they refaxed it, but by the time all was said and done, the CPAP company was closed. Again, it doesn't surprise me in the least if there really is a curse on my sleep, as I suspect there has been for most of my life. Why would it hasten up anything that could help it? It makes no sense, though, that they can't give us a copy of the prescription. What am I supposed to do in the future when I eventually need a new machine? Go through the same cycle of bullshit?69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡByKrl2v1zn
Had the usual bad dreams and nightmares. I lived alone in a tiny apartment on the ground floor. I was going to go out to some pool, lake, or beach with Melanie and her fiancé one day. At least I think it was her in the dream. I somehow locked the door with my key still inside and started freaking out and screaming, “What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?! What do I do?!” I woke up as I was screaming this. 😬69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡ5fBEoLWHwr
In the second dream, I was staying wherever and facing homelessness because I couldn't stay there forever, and I was missing the hell out of Tom. I don't think he was dead, though. I think he dumped me. 🙁69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡIfMdIZSa2X
As for Jade, every time I get close to being pretty sure she really is haunted, I'm not sure what to think. Melanie had a long rough day after a sleepless night, so she let me know she'll give me her take on Jade tomorrow and just didn't want me to think she forgot about me. I told her it was no problem and that I totally understood all about fatigue. 69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡexYGiZoVnj
Really starting to think something's wrong with Vanessa because I haven't heard from her, and there have been no updates on PB. If she decided to dump me, then why keep me on her friend list?69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡThOfMA1o9Z
Had to lie down before finishing this entry because I'm so tired and winded. Fuck this fucking bullshit! It shouldn't take over half a year to get back on a fucking CPAP! My brain and body can only take so much more oxygen deprivation before they give out. These people and their fucking incompetency are gonna end up killing me if they don't get their shit together soon.69Please respect copyright.ＰＥＮＡＮＡKyn7RSB9hk
Did another EMF test on both Joy and Jade. Twice, I asked Joy to light up if anything dwelt within her and got nothing, but Jade gave me a quick blink. I guess if you asked me, on a scale of one to 10, how convinced I was that something does indeed dwell within Jade, I would say I was somewhere between a 7 and an 8.
ns216.73.216.86da2
and then Add to home screen.