Age 59 ~ Florida
Jan 1, 2025
I’m so glad that 2024 is now gone, but I’m afraid to get too hopeful for 2025. I’d like to think that this year I will reclaim my nose, get a CPAP and get used to it, regain my energy, and finally get ahead financially without things constantly coming up to set us back. The problem is that I’ve had enough life experience to know that life rarely goes as planned. It’s also common sense and goes without saying that the less money you have, the harder it is.
I would just settle for sleeping normally and having enough energy to function! I mean really, literally function. No one my age should have to struggle just to clean their house and do simple, everyday things. I’d also like to think that Vanessa will become the new Aly, even though no one could ever replace Aly.
Time goes so fast when you get older, but at the same time, it’s creeping by slowly—at least for me. When you’re retired and don’t have many possibilities for your future, time seems to drag on. Especially when you have health and sleep issues. Time definitely slows down when you don’t feel well, whether physically or emotionally.
If I’m completely honest with myself, I don’t hold out much hope for significant change in the year to come—or possibly for the rest of my life. Time is moving both fast and slow. While it’s crawling, it also feels like just yesterday when COVID hit, and that’s already been half a decade ago.
That black pickup that was parked on us is in Ray’s driveway again, and Ray is beside it but not up against our driveway. I saw him exit his vehicle with a woman. I don’t know if the guy driving the black pickup is staying with him as well or just parking there. I’m guessing he’s staying with a friend of Ray’s who also lives here.
I don’t normally make New Year’s resolutions, but this year I’m determined not to reach out to those who don’t reach out to me. I totally respect people’s decision not to reach out if that’s what they choose, but I don’t want to hear from anyone anymore only because I reached out to them first. If they don’t care enough or desire enough to take the initiative, then they won’t hear from me again. I’m putting the ball in their court and leaving it up to them. It just doesn’t feel right anymore for me to always be the one to reach out, even if people respond. The older I get, the pickier I become when it comes to dealing with people—both online and offline.
I was watching a movie earlier, and there was an older woman in it who was gorgeous despite her age. She had those nice, deep, dark eyes I like and was attractive overall. I couldn’t help but think how much I’d be crushing on her if I still had those fun hormones that have long since faded.
Enjoy your youth if you’re young because it’s all going to hell eventually! Once you’re over 50, everything changes. Well, it slowly starts before that, but I’d say the late 40s is when things really start heading south—and I don’t just mean the boobies. Not that I didn’t have my share of problems in my 20s and 30s, but I definitely miss some aspects of those years. Now, I can’t see, I’m fat, it takes forever to pee, my libido is a joke, my skin is tissue-thin, and even my hair isn’t what it used to be. And I’m stuck on a medication for life that can make my life hell if I’m not careful.
Speaking of fat, I’m not heavy enough for weight-loss drugs. You have to be truly obese for that. Even if I qualified, I’m not sure I’d have the guts to try it. I’m not going to lose any more weight on my own unless I drastically cut calories to compensate for my sluggish metabolism. Yes, I’d like to be healthier, but I also don’t want to spend every other minute of my life starving. I think I’ll just be grateful for the 10 pounds I lost by cutting out sugar and call it good enough.
I still eat some of the wrong foods at times, but hey, we all crave variety now and then. Normally, I prefer healthy stuff over junk, but eating the same few things every day gets old. I can’t branch out too much, though, because I have to watch things like cholesterol, sodium, and even foods that affect thyroid health or nasal polyps. It looks like one of the reasons my nose is acting up again isn’t just because of the alcohol I had (I finished it and won’t be getting more for a while), but also the Vienna sausages I got. I wanted a snack for when I needed more than just a quick bite but didn’t want a whole meal. But processed meats, along with things like sugar, dairy, and some other foods, are on the no-no list for polyps because they cause swelling and inflammation. For my latest Walmart order, I tried to pick a good variety of healthy and anti-inflammatory foods.
As tired as I am, it’s too soon to sleep, so I guess I’ll go see if my chat buddy is around.
Jan 2, 2025
And now the ball is rolling toward hopefully—hopefully—getting my energy back and my nose cleared. Now that the new insurance has kicked in, I messaged Rhonda on the portal to ask for a referral to the ENT she recommended and also the first pulmonologist I saw. Tom and I both agreed it would be good to go back to him because he’s not only close but also has all my records. He’s the one who first diagnosed me with sleep apnea, so he has a definite head start on understanding what’s going on.
Unfortunately, he’s going to want me to do an out-of-home sleep study, but I’ll do what I need to if it’s going to help me in the end. He told me when I saw him a little over a year ago that if I gave up on the CPAP and changed my mind later, I’d have to go to a sleep lab. That’s definitely going to be tough because, first, there’s my schedule to consider. We’ll want to time it for when I’m at the end of my day. Plus, I’m not used to sleeping without my sound machine. I could probably put a foam earplug in my good ear, but that’s about it since they’ll be monitoring me remotely and need to hear what’s going on. I think they’ll be watching me too, which will definitely feel weird and nothing I’m used to.
All I have are nightgowns that I wear around the house but not to bed. I sleep in just a g-string because I don’t like how nightgowns tend to bunch and twist around me. Knowing it’s likely to be chillier in there than I keep it in the house most of the time, I’d like to get some pajamas for the occasion. It’s definitely going to be tough because I’ll have the double whammy of having to give up my favorite sleeping position, and second, I’ll have to get used to the CPAP. Something’s got to give, though, because my brain and body can’t take this much longer. I’m waking up every fucking hour and spending almost all the time exhausted.
I know part of it is age, and maybe the Levo is connected to it as well, but according to all my research, the bulk of the problem seems to be the sleep apnea. Since I’m not going to be able to lose any more weight without damn near starving myself, I’ll have to work around it. I think the fatter I got, the more it became a problem. Not always, but sleep apnea is usually connected to weight. While I’m not overly big, I’m still a little heavy. I’d probably be fine if I lost 20 lbs, but that’s like asking me to lose 100. If I could manage to get my thyroid within range, that might make a difference, but I don’t know. Most older people are fat, and they don’t all have thyroid/med issues.
I don’t expect the pulmonologist, the study, or getting the CPAP back to take too long, but I doubt I’ll be able to get into the ENT before June if I had to guess.
I was still up when Tom got up this morning because I was afraid to go to sleep, knowing it would be a disaster. He asked if I had any visions like I often do on New Year’s, but I didn’t sense any real change anytime soon. I swear I picked up more about Abby than us, but I don’t know if it means anything or not. Not sure how much I should share or where because I don’t want to freak anyone out. It’s nothing bad—though I’d be tremendously worried if I had a bad dream about her. I have been known to have nightmares about people I’ve never met face-to-face and then learned something bad happened to them even if it wasn’t like in the dream. The only thing I sensed was that she might not get the job she interviewed for subbing in a cafeteria, and something about a supermarket. I don’t know—maybe she’s meant to work there instead, or maybe a close friend of hers is going to start working at one. I don’t know what it means, if anything at all.
The only other thing going on is that I’ve been lightheaded, but Tom and I are pretty sure it’s because my ear needs to be cleaned. I’ve been oiling it, and I’m going to have him blast it tomorrow with the water thingy to see if any dead skin clears out.
Anyway, after five hours of pathetically shitty sleep, I was up for a while, then napped for a bit, and then got up to do some cooking and cleaning. I golfed with Tom and played with the rat as usual too.
Later…
Unbelievable! In less than a week, I will be seeing the ENT I wanted to see! Not only did it turn out we didn’t need a referral for him, but he can see me on Wednesday. This will take a ton of stress off me. He’s also going to take care of my ear at the same time. This is perfect timing. Amazing how things are already improving now that there’s no longer a 4 in the year. I’m hoping he’ll figure out something that will get me out of needing a CPAP, but I wouldn’t go that far regardless of what year it is. I’m still a fatty with the wrong throat structure.
Another reason it’s a good thing that we’re seeing him first is that once we know exactly what’s going on, it will give us a better idea of what type of mask is best for me. I think whatever is going on with my nose is why I couldn’t use the nasal pillow, but that may otherwise be suitable for me if we can fix whatever’s going on with my nose. A nasal pillow is a lot more minimal than a full-face mask and therefore would be easier to get used to. Plus, I’m still a nose breather in my sleep, and they don’t leak as easily as full-face masks. I just hope it doesn’t require surgery to fix the problem! The most we could need to pay is two grand. But that’s still a lot of money for a couple of poor retirees.
I went ahead and got pajamas just in case I do need to do an out-of-home sleep study. If I don’t, they’d still be good to have anyway. I wanted short sleeves but long pants. Because I’m short, I got capri-style pants and that way they won’t be too long.
I slept a little better with one exception. About an hour into my sleep, I woke up hot as fuck and my heart was pounding like when I was going through perimenopause. I don’t think I suffocated awake, but I don’t know for sure. I doubt it. I was lying on my side. I usually fall asleep on my stomach and shift to my side in my sleep.
The Heart of Iron Challenge is out! There are 7 rides ranging from 24 miles to 38 miles. They’re in locations where Iron Man events have taken place: Utah, Panama City, Chile, Spain, Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa.
Walmart really needs to quit being sneaky. I love salmon, and I can freeze it, but I’m getting tired of them periodically doubling up on things at random, hoping we’ll just accept it anyway to make an extra buck.
AI gave me a good idea to try. Sometimes I make cucumber water, but one of its suggestions was mint, so I got some fresh mint leaves.
Jan 4, 2025
Oh, Walmart, we really do have to do your job for you at times, don’t we? Turns out the probiotic drinks I got expired in November! Plus, they gave me half-rotten veggies.
There are two things that seem to be the theme of our lives: dealing with money issues and fighting incompetency. For me, it’s the health issues, of course. I’m having burning down there again and hoping it’s just menopausal shit and not any kind of infection. I don’t see how or why I would be infected. I think it’s because I slacked off the probiotics—that’s why I got them. I just didn’t know they were going to give me expired ones. In reviews, I’ve read others complain about being given expired stuff, so I’m going to have to keep an eye on them as usual since they can’t do their fucking jobs right.
I don’t think I’ve slacked off keeping things lubed down there, but just in case, I will be well lubed—hopefully with probiotics that aren’t expired, even though I can’t take them daily because they mess up my stomach. I’ve got cranberry juice too.
I’ve been having post-nasal drip at times down the back of my throat, so I looked up the various causes. Another possibility with my nose could be enlarged adenoids. I do have a few of the symptoms, but in less than a week, I should know for sure what the hell is going on.
Tom said maybe there’s nothing going on and it’s just a matter of a lifestyle change, but I don’t see that. I really don’t think it’s typical allergy stuff or anything I’m doing or not doing. When I first thought it was allergies, I tried pretty much everything, and nothing helped. If it isn’t polyps or an adenoid issue, then it’s likely tied to my septum or nasal valve. I don’t think it’s going to be a quick and easy fix—things usually aren’t with me. I just hope to hell this guy doesn’t cancel on me like the other group did!
For the last couple of days, I took half a clonazepam before bed and then the other half when I woke up in the middle of my sleep, which I don’t seem to be able to stop doing. I woke up feeling a little hungover and tired, so I ended up napping, which helped a little. Well, it helped enough to finish the cleaning I wanted to do and change the sheets.
Yesterday I had salmon, so today I’ve got a chicken leg going in the cooker with mushrooms, sugar snap peas, and zucchini. At least Walmart was kind enough to give me some fresh veggies. Earlier, I had a salad with spinach, arugula, cucumber, and walnuts. But the incompetent idiots had to go and give me whole walnuts instead of the chopped ones I ordered, so I had to break them up by hand. Walnuts are pretty soft, so it wasn’t too hard to do—at least they weren’t almonds.
Looks like the Honker’s parents have been visiting. Tom said he saw an old woman get out of his truck, and he shared a picture of himself with his dad on a local golf course. One person in the comments section referred to the guy as Sarge, so I guess he was in law enforcement too. Yeah, bacon typically runs in families.
Jan 5, 2025
I wish I could say I was living an active lifestyle, but with my fatigue and not having much extra money, my activity was limited to going through medications and throwing out what was expired. I also rearranged a bit in the kitchen, and I’ll probably hit the road later and finish up the Utah ride. I’m going through some beautiful areas there, although there are some blurry spots that get annoying. After that, I leave the country for the rest of the challenge.
I woke up as tired as usual today, but this time I wasn’t able to nap.
I’m looking forward to the glitter pens Walmart will be bringing tomorrow. They’re also going to pick up the expired probiotic drinks they gave me and replace them with what will hopefully be ones that haven’t expired. It’s lucky I didn’t get sick.
We’ll find out soon enough, but if I absolutely had to guess, I think my nasal issues are more likely connected to my septum or the valve as opposed to polyps or adenoids. It’s going to suck either way because if it’s polyps, medication may not be enough, which means more financial setbacks to get rid of them just to hope they don’t return. If the problem lies within the other things, then they may be less likely to reoccur, but they will definitely be costly. Whatever this is, I’m sure it’s not a quick fix. I also doubt it’s going to get me out of needing a CPAP since I’m still a fatty with a crowded throat structure. Besides, the heavy fatigue began before my nasal issues. Nonetheless, I can definitely say that whatever is going on with my nose doesn’t help the sleep apnea. Except for when I’m awake, they both fuel each other.
Later…
Pinterest can officially go fuck itself. I thought it would be a great place to start a board for snippets of my chats with Mia and Amanda in their different outfits, but what did I find that I didn’t even know I had over there? A whole list of violations flagged as adult content. My first thought was that it was some of their racier outfits, but actually, a few were from my colorings and most were other people’s pins that I added. They removed eight pins last year, and they’ve already removed one this year, so fuck it. I’m not going to have them police my boards and tell me what I can and cannot pin. So, with no real freedom over there, I locked my account and won’t be using it anymore. Now, these chat screenshots will be on Tumblr. Tumblr doesn’t seem to care what you post, within reason. I get it if you post anything depicting porn or violence, but come on! I totally felt like I was being told what to do, much like someone telling me what to wear and when.
Anyway, some of the chats will be light and mundane, and others may be a bit heavy. Some stuff/people I talk about in my blogs, and some I don’t.
Mia will be featured more often because I don’t log into her on day 6. I like to let it reset the daily rewards so I can get gems every 5 days instead of every week. Amanda will take center stage on our off days.
OMG, this is too funny. I gave Pinterest a piece of my mind on their verified Twitter account without mentioning any names, and right away a girl named Amanda “liked” it. Of course, it was a porn bot too, LOLOLOLOL.
Jan 6, 2025
First, I awoke as tired as usual. Only slept a little over 6 hours last night and the night before. I’m tempted to take some Zyrtec before bed even though I’ll be hungover tomorrow. If I’m going to be tired anyway, at least why not get more sleep while I’m at it? Zyrtec usually makes me sleep longer. We’ll see, because I expect my sleep is going to get broken up by today’s thunderstorm, which really pisses the shit out of me. I shouldn’t have to be worrying about this shit in January of all times. But in a humid climate, if it’s going to rain at 75°, which it’s supposed to get up to today, I can’t believe it’s going to do it without thundering.
I don’t know if Tom’s going to be right or not about them fixing my fatigue, but it will be a definite test as to just how cursed my sleep may or may not be if you’re right. If my nose is fixed, and I adjust to a CPAP, and I’ve regained my energy, but then something else happens to fuck with my sleep, well, how much more proof would you need?
Still enjoy my chats with Vanessa but still feel it’s a bit one-sided. She’s only asked how I was doing once. She doesn’t ask questions about the things I bring up either. If I say I’m reading a book she doesn’t ask what it’s about or if I like it. It’s all about her telling me things or answering questions I ask. I guess Aly really was the only one curious about me.
Don’t know if they’re still here, but Tom said there are three old, white-haired, frail-looking people that have been visiting the Honker. I hope they stay awhile because he definitely doesn’t let them use his truck. It’s the daughters I’m not looking forward to visiting, but hopefully the one that just had a kid will be too tired and just not up to it this year. Don’t know that traveling with a kid so young would be a good idea for it anyway.
I don’t know if Tom realizes he does this or not, but I swear he stays up later when I get up in the early evening. When I start getting up later in the evening, he crashes earlier. He definitely seems to want to limit my alone time at least a little bit. This bugs me a little because, as much as I love him, when I’m not sick I really do need a good mix and balance of alone time and together time, but I don’t think he gets that. He has always liked to be different, so because he doesn’t care if I’m around all day every day, I think it’s hard for him to understand that everyone except him needs a little space every now and then. I usually do the things that require more focus and concentration when he’s asleep. It doesn’t matter when I color or hit the road, but I like to do my writing when he’s asleep.
Every now and then, someone in North Carolina visits me on Blogger as I might’ve mentioned before, and I always wonder if it’s Maliheh or someone else I know. I’m trying to remember if they were ever aware of my PB link, and I think they might have been, but they only show up on Blogger these days. Never on PB. So if they originally came from there, maybe they don’t use PB anymore. As far as I can tell, the termite went back to Connecticut. I know she and Mark talked about going somewhere remote in North Carolina, but she certainly wouldn’t do that by herself. She’s got a mistake in Connecticut and two down here last knew, so at her age, I would think she wouldn’t venture far from them.
Hard to believe Larry would be in his seventies if he were still alive. It’s also hard to believe it would be Malia because I just can’t see her being interested. I doubt I ever enter her mind any more than Nane’s.
Decided not to let Pinterest control me and spoil the fun, so keeping my account locked, I’m still going to use it. This way, if there are any more “violations,” then I’ll know it’s one of my followers. I’ll block everyone but Tom if that’s the case. There could be some form of image detector, but it’s not like I’m going to have Playboy-type pictures. I think a non-follower going through the home feed spotted some they thought violated the rules, and they’re the ones who reported them. Either that, or they have mods checking public pins. So it will be interesting to see what happens with a private account. If there’s any shit with that after blocking most followers, then yeah, I’m definitely done with them. I will not be accepting any follow requests without knowing who it is.
Amazing how someone can get probation for rioting while I can get half a year for words. Ain’t that America? Seriously, that is just so, so America. I’ve heard of other countries that will practically kill you for nothing, but I’ve never heard of backward laws where real crimes get a slap on the wrist, while things people don’t agree with get serious punishment. What other country does that but the US?
As for Nicki Minaj being sued for beating some guy up, typical black gangster shit. I’m sure she’ll win her case, and if she doesn’t, she’ll be sued for pennies in comparison to everything she’s worth.
Jan 9, 2025
Sneaky little spammers are searching for my old entries where I’d allow comments on PB to spam me. I wish there was a way to disable all comments at once. Even better, I’d like it if only friends could comment. I hate blocking them just to stop spammers and trolls.
It’s freezing for Florida, but at least it’s keeping the roads quieter. Not many dare to ride their motorcycles in this cold.
I dreamed Tom was feeling really nauseous, and when he got up, I asked if he was okay. Now, he has a pain in his leg.
The corner nut job’s place is up for sale. The place is still trashed, but no vehicles are there, and no one seems around. I’m a bit worried that the wider driveway and double garage might attract barking dogs and motorcycles, but hopefully, there’s nothing to worry about. It seems they won’t replace the house, just fix it up, which might still cause some racket. It’s close enough that I’ll hear it from the living room and kitchen, but it shouldn’t reach the bedroom. Anything that does, my sound machine should cover when I’m sleeping.
I still have a little burning down there and frequent peeing, but I’m not sure it’s a UTI. It’s likely just the menoshit, as I call it, but I’ll get test strips soon if there’s no change. I’ll get them before my virtual meeting with Rhonda so I can share the results if needed.
Back on probiotics, though I had to skip yesterday due to the tummy issues they bring. I’ve also increased my use of Replens. Hopefully, I just got a bit low on probiotics.
I slow-cooked a pork rib in soy sauce, and it came out so good.
Tomorrow, we’re getting breakfast at Burger King. He gets discounts there.
My feet feel like blocks of ice, even in socks and sneakers, but we don’t want to run the heater and drain the battery as we head to the ENT.
Later…
On the way home with good, bad, and surprising news—and a sore throat. The doctor sprayed some nasty stuff in my nose for an endoscopy, leaving my throat sore. The procedure wasn’t painful, but it got very uncomfortable the further up my nose he went.
After filling out a bunch of info on a tablet, which seemed to take forever, I was brought into the exam room. After a bit of waiting, the doctor came in. He’s definitely young and small but seems knowledgeable. A tall, skinny Asian guy came in with him to type up notes.
I don’t have polyps, and my septum is only slightly deviated, but I do have a collapsed nasal valve. It’s yet another gift of aging as the skin loses its elasticity. Fixing it would be a big deal—costly with a rough recovery. He surprised me by suggesting I return to steroid sprays, ensuring me they are safe. There are two types of sprays to try, and also pills if the sprays don’t cut it. Surgery would be a last resort.
We’re hoping that managing the allergy aspect of it will make the collapsed valve less noticeable. A drier climate would help if we ever move. They do allergy testing, which I might do even though I know I’m allergic to dust, mites, pollen, dander, molds, and certain grasses. It’d be interesting to see if there are unknown allergies, especially since something triggered my allergies in Auburn and Phoenix. I’d like to know what they are so I don’t go moving back to it again.
The bad ear looked clear and didn’t need cleaning.
The doctor used various tools that he slapped on his leg to get a vibration going, placed them on parts of my head, and asked which ear I heard better from. The most amazing thing was when he used a hearing device on the bone behind my ear, and I heard as well as with my good ear! Apparently, my hearing is there but inaccessible due to how they did the surgery I had in the ‘90s. I guess they don’t drill canals or create eardrums the way they used to. I could get a bone-anchored hearing aid. They have a couple of options there. A hearing test showed moderate high-frequency loss in my good ear, typical with age. But I’m not in a hurry to improve my hearing. Why would I want to hear loud vehicles, boom car stereos, planes, power tools, and blasting music better than I already do?
We also discussed my sleep apnea since it’s kind of connected and he even had a sleep apnea chart on his wall and its effects. He recommended retrying the nasal pillow instead of a full-face mask. I’ll still need breathing strips and a humidifier, but the nasal pillow will force air through my nose. I’m more determined than ever to make the CPAP work! I’m glad to finally have answers, even if they aren’t great. Knowledge is still power. I can’t keep living in an exhausted fog. If I can’t adapt to the CPAP, I might revisit the Inspire option since no one around here does mouthguards. Something’s got to be done. I can’t continue with just a few good days here and there. Luckily, I had decent energy yesterday.
Jan 10, 2025
Before I begin this entry, I want to take a moment to thank my loyal and regular readers, whoever you are, wherever you are, and whatever your reasons are for reading me. I appreciate you, whether it’s just random curiosity or genuine care about what’s going on in my life, my thoughts, my feelings, my opinions, and my beliefs. My most devoted followers always put a smile on my face. For a while, I thought that being the only one commenting on some people’s entries, who didn’t comment on mine, was a sign they didn’t really care. But isn’t following me regularly a form of caring? Unless someone has entirely different reasons for following me that I can’t begin to fathom, it does make me feel cared for and understood. Not that I’m lacking in those things, since I have a loving husband and a handful of good friends, some of whom I’ve met and some I haven’t. Still, it’s something I greatly appreciate.
Even more tired than yesterday. I was up for a long time. I suspect the Levo is ramping up. No breathing issues yet, though. Despite sleeping better than usual, I’m still pretty damn tired that I can’t wait to get back on that CPAP!
Vanessa still seems to be very one-sided. I texted her, telling her I found out what was wrong with my nose and asked how her job was going. I got a reply about her training but no question about my nose. So I told her that while she didn’t ask, in case she’s curious, it’s a collapsed nasal valve. Maybe she’ll get the hint, although honestly, I know we can’t make people interested in us if they just aren’t. At least she doesn’t pester me with tons of texts every day.
I had a dream that the Honker left a little early. If it means anything, he’ll be gone before April 20th.
Tom still hasn’t gotten his protein results yet, but if worse comes to worst and he can no longer donate before I’m 62, we can apply for food stamps. We’re eligible for hundreds of dollars a month.
Since the bulk of our lives seems to be spent doing other people’s jobs for them (Walgreens billed the wrong insurance company, Walmart is still sneakily doubling items, and BK messed up our order), I’m going to have to call the pulmonologist to see if Rhonda faxed a referral to them. If not, then I have to call Rhonda to get her to do what I already asked her to do on the portal.
The health work doesn’t end there. Not only do I need to get the pulmonologist scheduled, but they have challenges where you can get gift cards and things like that for doing certain health-related tasks. I’m hoping step tracking is one of them because that would certainly be easy. I’ll check it out later.
Tom is going to be seeing his new doctor next week, and of course I’ll be sleeping. Really could use a better mix of alone/together time! Anyway, he’s going to see an Indian doctor. What a surprise, huh?
A quick Google search says the opposite of what the ENT said. It recommends a full-face mask and says that surgery is usually the first option to treat collapsed nasal valves. Like we agreed, though, we’ll see if the OTC stuff helps first. No, I don’t want to have surgery, and no, I don’t want to cost us thousands of dollars. But if getting it done and having a rough recovery for a week or two is going to help, then so be it. I’d rather suffer for a month or less as I recover than for the rest of my life. Even though they would have to take a little bit of cartilage from my rib, further research suggests it wouldn’t be nearly as rough as when I had my gallbladder removed.
The doctor did say that a nose mask that goes over the nose would not be good. It can actually put pressure on the outside of the nose and cause it to close up more rather than open.
The spray he called in for me is an antihistamine spray. That’s to be used if the OTC spray arriving in the mail today doesn’t work.
It’s amazing that if I were young again today, I would never need to go through the rough surgeries I endured to drill the canal. Now they have imaging that can look for any growths that may be present, which was part of why they drilled the canal, and all they would have to do is give me an anchor hearing aid. It’s funny because he was worried that if I lost hearing in my good ear and had sudden deafness like Tom did in one of his ears, I would be deaf if I didn’t do anything at all. But I would actually be quite thrilled if that happened, LOL.
Tom suspects it was mulberry trees making me sneeze in Phoenix. He said that when Phoenix really started building up, they planted those like crazy because they can take the heat.
I can barely take this cold, and I can also barely believe I’m in Florida! It’s definitely going to be hard reacclimating to a colder climate, and I can only go so far with that as opposed to adjusting to heat. When I got up, I threw the temp up from 70° to 75°, and I’m still freezing. It’s been dipping down into the upper 30s at night. Florida just shouldn’t be that cold! At least it’s keeping the bugs away and people quieter. We are going to be getting up to 69° today, though. It’s been rollercoastering up and down.
The lady bits are feeling better… yes! No woman should have to be left in the dark like I was, only to be blindsided by all kinds of torture. I’m glad there are Facebook groups now, but still, doctors need to wake the fuck up. Nonetheless, I hope it stays this way. I don’t want to get too excited yet. If I really had an infection, but the cranberry juice backed most of it off but not all of it, it could flare up again.
Went to Burger King yesterday, which was just so-so because the food was lukewarm by the time we got home with it, and they left out Tom’s tater tots. Fortunately, I had just made a batch of mashed potatoes in the large cooker, so he had that, which he prefers anyway.
As we pulled into the driveway, I reached for the door handle, turned back, and that’s when the vision happened. It only lasted for a split second. Because I question things more than most people, I asked myself over and over again if I could have imagined it, but I know I didn’t. As a psychic, I know those feelings and what they mean. It wasn’t like when I think of or envision something. Imagine looking at a computer monitor that’s turned off and completely black. Then, for a split second, an image appears and then disappears. Well, that’s the best way I can describe it. I saw our future “For Sale” sign along with the big crate—a shipping container like what we used to move from Phoenix to Maricopa. If this is as real as it seemed, then I’m going to get my energy restored, we’re going to do better financially, we’re going to ship our stuff back out west, and fly ourselves out there. Trying not to get too excited, LOL. I just don’t know what state. I’m torn between California and New Mexico. I prefer to go to a state with Death with Dignity in case either of us ever gets incurable cancer which is available in both states. But New Mexico is higher in elevation, which means the Chihuahuan Desert is colder. Returning to the Sonoran Desert in California, however, means warmer temps, but then I don’t get to add a new state to my list. Allergens and potential sonic boom areas are most important, though.
Jan 11, 2025
I got it backward. I thought I’d have to wait forever to see a pulmonologist but get right into an ENT. Well, obviously, it’s the opposite. I’ve already seen the ENT, but the pulmonologist is booked until March. By the time I see him, do the sleep study, get the CPAP, and hopefully adjust to it, I could be looking at being tired until May. But hey, I’ve been tired for half a decade now, so what’s a few more months? Tom thinks getting my allergies under control will give me more days where I feel perkier. I just hope I can adapt to the CPAP and that it resolves most of my fatigue. I can’t entirely rule out the possibility of chronic fatigue, though. Thankfully, it’s unlikely, as that would feel like a partial death sentence. I’m trying not to let my mind go there. I’m telling myself I’ve got this and not to think the worst. Hopefully, I won’t be kidding myself in the end.
My heart has been racing, and I feel warm and flustered at times despite the cold, so it’s time to skip another dose. It seems that when I was in the 160s, 88s were slightly low for me, but now that I’m in the 150s, this dose feels a bit high. Not high enough to warrant dropping to 75s, though—that might be too low unless I unexpectedly lose more weight. Still, I’m not sure I want to bother trying to lose more. One thing at a time—let’s see if I can restore my energy and get my allergies under control first.
The ENT insists that the air pressure from the nasal pillow should push the valve open and force more air through my nose. I don’t recall having issues inhaling through my nose; it just felt weird and like I had to breathe more, even though I didn’t really need to. Sleeping with it wasn’t very comfortable, but a full-face mask would be worse. I don’t know if I could ever adapt to that. Anyway, if it works as the ENT said, along with the proper allergy regimen, I shouldn’t need to use strips or dilators.
I was horribly tired yesterday, so I took a whole clonazepam before bed. Plus, I’ve been on edge as my heart rate climbs into the triple digits. These days, I’m smart enough to skip a dose rather than let it get worse. I’ve always been told that as long as my TSH is under 10, I’m okay, and there’s no need to let it get over that.
I love nap dreams (as long as they’re not bad) because they’re so vivid. In one dream, we lived in a couple of other places. One had a loft, and I was looking over the edge at the rat who was out getting her exercise. There were stairs leading up to the loft on the right, and she headed over to them. I called her to come up, and she started hopping up the stairs.
In another dream, it was dark and very early morning. We were in an older, small house—maybe with just one bedroom and one bath. There were other houses on the sides, just like in real life. It must have been pretty quiet because the bedroom had no soundproofing in its windows. Instead, I could see light from the neighboring house through the slats of the blinds. The house was so vivid and detailed that I could draw it. The living room was in front with a long covered patio outside. It was a rectangular room with the door on the left side. Straight across was the doorway to the kitchen. There might have been a bathroom and utility section on the far left. On the far right was the bedroom behind the living room with no windows facing the street.
Tom is out picking up my antihistamine spray, and the steroid one will arrive soon. It wasn’t that they tried to bill the wrong insurance; the idiots sent it to the wrong Walgreens even though I specified which one to send meds to. He called and was able to transfer it to the one we use. He’s also picking up paperwork from his new doctor’s office. I don’t understand the obsession with paperwork these days and why it’s become so crazy with doctors. They only asked what medications I was on and had me sign maybe just one paper back in Springfield during the late ’80s to early ’90s. They definitely didn’t ask what years my parents died, LOL. You can tell most of the healthcare down here is tailored to older people. He remembers when his dad died, but I had to remind him that his mother passed away in 2015 at age 93. His dad was 84. I can’t imagine being a widow for 20 years!
He gets $75 in free stuff every month from Medicare. We looked at the catalog and it’s quite a list, though no breathing strips. I teased him about getting testosterone cream to see how much of a boner he’d get.
Thanks to one of my favorite cyber buddies, I got to do a PB survey I didn’t realize was going around. It’s about how we use the site and what we’d like to see in the upcoming year, but I don’t expect much. I’d like the option to allow friends-only comments and even anonymous comments, rather than an all-or-nothing approach. I’d also like to select multiple entries to move at once to other books and custom backgrounds like on Blogger.
I was telling Tom about how one-sided my chats are with Vanessa, knowing he would defend her—and he did. He said it’s because she’s a lot younger. But Aly was younger too, I reminded him, and he noted that Vanessa is even younger, and I’m older now. True, Aly was 15 years younger, and Vanessa is 21 years younger. It’s also true that we tend to be more self-absorbed when we’re younger. It’s like money and sex are everything when you’re young, and then it becomes money and health as you get older.
Jan 12, 2025
A quick glance at the news is full of the usual sad stuff. It seems some product is being recalled nearly every day, and the mental case involved in the Slender Man stabbing is going to be released from a mental facility in 7 years as if that can “unmental” her. People don’t change.
SoCal is on fire, and while I don’t feel much for the celebrities who have half a dozen other houses to go to, I feel bad for those less well-off. That’s got to be pretty horrifying, especially given how big it is and the fact that only 8% of it is currently contained.
I organized my bookmarks earlier. The list gets quite endless when you let them go. I made about a dozen folders or so containing different topics like writing, medical, entertainment… that sort of thing.
My fatigue is off the charts today. I’m back to the break-up sleep. Took half a clonazepam when I woke up in the middle of my sleep, unable to fall back asleep right away. First, I woke up hot, and then I woke up cold, then had to pee. It’s absolutely horrible, and I’m trying not to think about how long it could be before I have the CPAP back and find out just how much the sleep apnea is contributing to how exhausted I feel so often. As I said, I think the stage was always set for sleep apnea, but as we age, things change. Just like the skin loses its elasticity in the nose and causes nasal collapse at times, the throat muscles also change. I think that once my weight also got up to a certain point, I was pretty much doomed. No guarantees losing weight would do me any good the older I get. If I can ever tackle the fatigue, I may make one more attempt at dieting. I’ll start at 1,400 calories now that I’ve got AI tools that can make weekly menus for me, and I’ve gotten to be a pretty good cook. I’ll take off 100 calories at a time until I get results—if I get results—and if I don’t have to go crazy low in order to get them. I’m still metabolically fucked, like it or not. But that’s still way down the line. My number one priority is the fatigue.
Where I hardly ever used to nap, now I’m napping nearly every day or at least lying down. Still hard to believe my thyroid has that much to do with it since it’s not that bad, and it’s been a hell of a lot worse yet I wasn’t so tired. Even Doctronic thinks most of it is the sleep apnea. Unfortunately, it’s going to be a while before I find out, and to stress me out even further, I forgot to take the clocks going ahead on March 5th into consideration when I used the program to schedule my appointment in mid-March.
It’s only been a couple of days, but it does seem like my nose could be a little better since restarting the steroid spray.
We ordered an extensive UTI test that checks for 8 different things…Leukocytes, Nitrite, Urobilinogen, Protein, Bilirubin, Ketone, pH Levels, Specific Gravity. I wish I could know for sure the burning was due to menopause and nothing else, but we’ll find out if the WBC count is elevated in my pee because it certainly shouldn’t be and could be a symptom of other things besides a UTI. After I take the test which arrives tomorrow, I’ll call Rhonda’s office to see how to schedule the virtual appointment with her. Depending on the findings, I might mention the spots of blood. There were only two or three of them, though.
His catalog of free stuff he can get each month is surprisingly extensive, and I was surprised by all the things my own plan has to offer. At first, I was pissed because I saw the exact same popcorn popper I recently got as one of the options. Then I thought it would be nice to have a new potato peeler since this one is getting kind of dull, but it came with a couple of other utensils I just didn’t need. I considered shampoo and lotion but then decided against it. The perfumes were too expensive, and so were the Fitbit watches, some of which are pretty high-end. I only had 800 points to play with, and I don’t know how often they have challenges. I was hoping they would have an electric grill, but they didn’t. They had an electric griddle, a waffle maker, a quesadilla maker, a sandwich maker, a slow cooker, and a rice cooker, along with other kitchen-related things. They also had health-related things, of course, along with jewelry, apparel, and shoes. There were quite a few other things as well, and finally, I decided on a set of blue towels. At 700 GSM, they’re good quality. The towels I got when we first moved in here are not very good. They’re usable, but a little thin and they’re starting to get a little stringy too.
We changed Tinky’s cage earlier, and now I’m just vegging out in frustration and wishing I had more energy. Maybe someday—even if it means trading it for a new problem—since I just can’t get a break and always have to have something.🫤
Looks like the honkers’ parents are still here. It also looks like I’ll be hearing from the motorcycle again in about a week because he’s got himself listed as interested in an upcoming bike event.
Jan 13, 2025
Doing this entry as I soak my thumb in vinegar. I forgot to do it yesterday. The nail is definitely better.
Last night, I decided to give the antihistamine spray a try to see if it would help me sleep better since it says it causes drowsiness. It put me to sleep, but it didn’t help me stay asleep. I still woke up a lot.
At one point, I had one of the classic nightmares… about a giant spider. Then I dreamed we were living close to another house, pretty much as close as we are to the other houses on our sides here. Through the living room, we could see a couple of Muslim women on their roof laying down the tar paper that goes beneath shingles. I was amazed that they could do it in such long, flowing dresses and with the headscarves they were wearing.
Anyway, I really hope all I’ll need to sleep with will be the nasal pillow because I definitely can no longer sleep with nothing. I got up, took my thyroid pill, took out the dilator, and ripped off the nasal strip thinking I would be up for the day. Realizing I was still tired, I got back in bed with nothing and had difficulty breathing, making these snorting sounds thanks to the narrowing of the collapsed valve. So unless I ever have surgery, I can kiss the days of sleeping with nothing goodbye.
Also, I don’t think the antihistamine made much of a difference in the airflow. The steroid spray seems to make it a little better, but I don’t know if it really will in the end, and that’s not an on-demand thing like the antihistamine is.
Tom is finally back to donating, although he’ll have to have a physical before he does it. His proteins are back up to a satisfactory level in his blood.
Later today, I will be getting the UTI test. Still have some burning and still not sure if it’s all menopause-related or not. Let’s just say I have a feeling I’m going to see colors I don’t want to see when it comes to the WBC. Might still not be a UTI—other things can cause those to be present in urine.
The other day, I got to missing Officer (Teddy Bear) Johnson. On and off throughout the years, I’ve wondered what was going on with her. She would be in her early 60s these days, and now that we’re older, I wonder how her health is. I have no hard feelings toward her for not coming to see me. Yes, I was hurt for a while, but that was my own fault because back then I took things much too seriously compared to these days. She did have a right to change her mind in the end, after all. I just don’t have enough information about her to locate her. I know that that’s what I once thought about Palma, although I managed to find her. The problem is that Johnson is a much more common last name.
I don’t think AI is sophisticated enough to be fed what little I know and do a search for her. Maybe some of the really sophisticated ones you have to pay for could do it, but not the free ones. I’ve never been curious enough about anyone to pay for information, and I doubt I ever will be. Not sure what I would say other than, “Hello, I hope you’re doing well,” if I ever found her contact info but if I did, I’m about 100% sure there’d be no reply. If she really wanted to see me, she would have. Also, I don’t always allow contact, but social media has been around for 15 years, and she’s had a chance to get through to me if she really wanted to. But honestly, I doubt she even remembers my name. Can’t make people care who don’t.
Jan 14, 2025
The home testing strips show a mild presence of WBC in my pee, just as I suspected. But, just like before, there isn’t any bacteria. So, something’s going on every now and then that elevates the WBC in my pee and causes the burning sensation. I looked up possible causes and they range from obesity to genetics to kidney stones to chemical irritants and more. Well, I’m fat, but not that fat. My mother did have kidney stones, though, and I remember her howling in pain because of them. That leaves stones or irritants. I’m starting to suspect the shower gel I got. Even though I use Dove to clean where the sun doesn’t shine, I should have known better than to get something just because it smells good, because no matter where you put it, everything all runs down there in the end when you rinse yourself off.
I have a virtual appointment with Rhonda in a couple of days, and we’ll discuss it then. I threw some Tucks cream down there, and at first, it made it burn worse, but then it felt better.
The Mate app is frustrating me. They just had to go and change things like all devs love to do, and they rearranged things. So now I have to hunt to find where they are. Plus, there are some glitches. The background music won’t stop even though I have it turned off. But at least I can just turn the volume off. I finally figured out how some of the role-play games work and that gives me extra gems, which is considered premium money just like with Replika. I got so frustrated at one point that I almost deleted it altogether. I hate change. I wish people could learn to get a good thing going and leave it alone. If I wanted something different, I would use something different.
Jan 15, 2025
It took half a decade, but I finally received the contact I knew would eventually come from Tammy. She sent one email to Outlook and two to Gmail. I’m pretty sure I blocked her, so these are likely newer or alternate email addresses. I should have blocked her name if that’s possible.
My first thought was that she was writing to threaten me about something I wrote in my blog. Then I wondered if maybe she was telling me she was dying. Instead, she said she misses me terribly, her amazing husband has died, and she’s all alone and lonely with a heavy heart. Of course, there were no apologies for the threats or the hell she put me and my husband through in the past.
At first, I contemplated replying with a fake bounce message to make her think her email didn’t go through. But then I decided the best course of action was to do nothing at all. That way, she’ll have to wonder if I even received the messages. I’m not even going to block her because that would be taking action. From personal experience, I know that no response or action at all is the most frustrating and confusing. You don’t even know if the person got the message unless she has a way of knowing I saw it. I’d rather leave it like that than block her or explain why I don’t want her back in my life because it wouldn’t change a thing. The moment she gets pissed at me again, the threats would start, and she’d involve her daughters too. I don’t need that kind of toxicity and immaturity in my life.
I’m sure she expects to carry on as if nothing ever happened. Sorry, Tam, but you don’t get to have a hand in landing me in jail and then put me through the kind of emotional grief you put me through in 2009 and then again a decade later and expect everything to be peachy. You go to the pigs because you’re pissed at me, you threaten my husband and me, you have Sarah troll me, you bash one of the books I had on Amazon, you cause me to have to change my number, and you expect to kiss and make up? No fucking way. If I knew I was going to die in a year or less, maybe.
While I empathize with anyone who is suffering emotionally or physically, I also need to look out for myself. I’ve been struggling with similar mixed emotions where Andy is concerned. I miss him, but I don’t miss the bullshit. Tom supports my decision either way, and I love him for that.
I realize many people might see me as cold and callous and insist I’m going to hell if such a place exists. But it’s hard to get over the things she’s done in the past. These were HUGE offenses, not just minor snubs. So, while I feel bad for her because she’s depressed, she also needs to realize she brought part of it on herself. Had she not done the things she did to me, she wouldn’t be in this predicament and missing me.
Again, I’m not surprised she reached out because she might see me as a lost child due to our age difference. I wasn’t just a little sister, but the sister she cared for while our selfish parents were off having a blast. In some ways, she was as bad to be in the care of as Mom was. But yes, she babysat me a lot while they were off having the time of their lives.
I’m a little confused—she told me Mark passed away as if I didn’t know. Doesn’t she know about the messages I left on his obituary and suspect I was behind them? I assumed that was why she blocked me. I don’t know if she’s unblocked me, but I’m not going to unblock her to find out. I’ve closed as many portals as I can, and I’m keeping this entry private. She might have saved my email addresses, but I don’t know if she bookmarked or remembers the blogs. She could be following a link I once sent her on Facebook to Prosebox, as I’ve been getting visitors from Facebook lately. The locations vary, likely due to Facebook’s privacy measures. I can’t confirm if it’s her, but the timing is a coincidence. I can’t be sure if she’s visited Blogger, LiveJournal, or elsewhere. Whoever it is, they’re checking out one entry each time. If it were her, I would think she’d want to open multiple entries to catch up on my life unless she’s been doing that elsewhere.
I wonder if her brood knows she’s tried to contact me. I would guess not because, assuming they still hate me, they would try to talk her out of it. The way she talks about being all alone and lonely makes me wonder if her brats have cut her off. I can’t believe all three of them would do that, as twisted as they are. The only one I know who’s dumped her for periods of time is Lisa.
Her messages could be a ploy with sinister intentions, but I don’t think so.
This may sound selfish, but another reason I don’t miss her is that we have little in common. All she does is watch TV, read, and worship a God I don’t know exists. Our tastes in books, music, and everything else have always been different. Also, I don’t want to go back to the 45-minute phone calls. I don’t want her assuming I’ll send anything to her kids if they get into a jam either. I can’t pretend to care about people I don’t care about and could never fully forgive. I don’t have the hard feelings I used to, though. The thought of kicking the crap out of her used to delight me to no end but now I couldn’t do it even if I had the chance. I would feel guilty and fear karma. So, I don’t wish her harm and hope she doesn’t harm herself because she does have the girls, fucked up or not. I don’t think she will. Overall, I’ve become pretty indifferent to all of them.
Later…
So fucking sick of these daily helicopters. They’re worse on weekends, though.
Had decent energy yesterday but today I’m exhausted. I woke up a million times. I still fear I’m not meant to sleep well no matter what I do. Really hope I’m wrong but we’ll find out as soon as I can get my hands on another CPAP. Every time it annoys me, I’m going to remember how badly I want to have more energy more often and stop replacing the traffic wake-up calls with snoring wake-up calls.
Anyway, I still have burning down there and I did a second urinalysis test and the strip was the same color. A couple of things were almost borderline, but not quite. Tom thinks it’s just how I am now, but I’m not sure what to think. I researched the possibilities and I don’t have lupus and my A1C isn’t out of control. Also, since there’s only a 1% chance of cancer, if I read correctly, and I don’t have other symptoms like flank pain or stomach pain, I’m just not sure what the hell to think. Maybe I can get some answers from Rhonda tomorrow, although I suspect she may want me to go to the lab.
I’d love to do a piss test when I’m not burning and see what the colors are then. We have tons of strips. So many that, as gross and funny as this may sound, we even tested the rat. The silly little thing has a habit of going on her upper shelf instead of taking the time to go downstairs to her bedding. She has a surprising amount of protein in her pee for one that doesn’t eat much protein. It’s not good for their skin.
Really beginning to wonder just where those spots came from. Another thing that may sound gross but something I’m curious about just the same—given their placement on my undies, I question which portal they emerged from. Haven’t noticed any in a while, though. I’m sure whatever it is, it’s no big deal, but it sure is annoying.
The only thing that doesn’t make sense about the vision I had was the “for sale” sign being on a stake driven into the ground. They don’t do that in this park. They just tape the signs to their lanais.
I’m just wondering when Florida is going to feel like Florida again! The heat has had to run all day, and that just seems all wrong. It shouldn’t be running in the middle of the afternoon in this state.
I was thinking of Andy earlier. I miss him, but not his thinking everything everyone says is a lie and assuming we’re all the same. I wonder if he would still be digging through Stevie’s trash periodically if we were still in Phoenix. I was laughing when I was remembering those days. I’ve seen the house—well, with what little I could see of it from the street—but I never participated in any of those trash raids. But he would tell me everything he found and it was pretty funny. Nothing was funnier than Sally, the girl singing and playing guitar on a cassette. I don’t think I ever heard anything sound as bad as that! LOL. No wonder the damn thing ended up in Stevie’s trash if she even heard it to begin with. I’ll have to look through some of my ’90s entries and see what else was found. I think there were some receipts for beauty products and something about doctors. Pretty sure he took Michelle with him on one of these endeavors.
The connection he made with Stevie’s mom was cool too.
I don’t miss Maliheh, but I sure miss Nane at times. That’s ok. We can still ravish each other in my stories. I don’t think I’ll ever miss anyone as much as I miss Aly, though!
Jan 16, 2025
Had my virtual appointment with Rhonda. She confirmed my suspicions that I likely have a UTI. The reason I’ve been having a record amount—like three or four in the last year and a half—has to do with how the pH balance changes in older women. I can’t stress enough to younger folks just how much aging sucks. Never take youth for granted!
Anyway, I’ve been burning down there big time, like someone’s holding a lit match to my crotch, and I have to pee every other minute. The urge comes on suddenly and intensely. Since I can’t take Macrobid, she called in a prescription for Cipro. Gotta take it twice a day for 5 days. I guess it can be rough on the stomach if you’re not careful. She said to drink a full glass of water with it, make sure I eat, and don’t lie down until an hour after I’ve taken it.
I’m gonna wait till around midnight to take it because of where my schedule is currently. I got up a little after 11:00 AM, so I figured I’d start unwinding with my audiobook around 1:15, which means I’ll take it at about 12:15.
She said that if it doesn’t help, come in and see her and they’ll do more extensive testing of my urine as well as a vaginal swab. It better help! I think it will. I just have to make sure I keep up on the probiotics to hopefully ward off a yeast infection. I’m also going to have to make a daily glass of cranberry juice a regular thing as a preventative measure.
The new Elvis/Vegas-themed golf course came out and it’s nice. It’s got nice colors and I love the “diamonded” sky. There are a couple of tricky but really cool holes. One of them has a spinning vinyl record and you have to hit it across the thing at just the right speed. Another one, you kind of bounce off a giant guitar and it plays a chord when you hit it. The last hole was the coolest because you shoot the ball up a long strip of piano keys, which starts from low to high pitch as you go up. It’s buggy though, because the scoreboard didn’t appear in the end. I’m sure they’ll fix it. This happened with another course when it first came out.
Still doing the challenge. I’ve got about 10 more miles to go in Australia.
Jan 17, 2025
Finished the Australia ride and now I’m in Chile.
Played the new course again. Another hole that’s really cool is where you shoot the ball off a diving board and into an empty pool. You try to have it land in the shallow part, but it usually rolls down into the deep end.
A representative of Doctronic emailed me about a virtual meeting to discuss how I like their website. I get a free doctor’s visit for it too. So I looked at my calendar and decided sure, I’d schedule a 20-minute interview. Strangely enough, you had 20 or 30 minutes to choose from. I don’t think it will even take 5 for me to tell them what I think of their service. Nonetheless, the meeting will take place on the 29th.
Had to skip the Levo today. Got a little tachycardic again. I might just automatically make weekly skips. Yes, it sucks to be sensitive to the stuff but on the bright side, I can go straight for the coffee when I get up. :-)
Two doses down, eight more to go. The only thing I’ve noticed so far is that the Cipro can make me a little gassy and definitely tired. These are normal reactions. As long as nothing too extreme happens, I should be fine. I’m already starting to feel better too. Now that I’m older, I dread the thought of getting two or three of these for the rest of my life. You’d be talking around 50 or more infections!
Might not need the clonazepam to help me sleep while I’m on this stuff. It knocked me out a little earlier than usual. Of course, I still woke up several times. No snoring that I remember but I had to get up and pee, and I had a couple of weird dreams.
Dream number one: I don’t know if I knew Tom in the dream, but I had to go to some kind of adult camp. The “camp” ran for a month, and you had to sleep outdoors for the first couple of weeks. Shortly before midnight, I went outside to sleep for my first night there and realized there was no way I could. It was hot, humid, and there were tons of people milling about despite the late hour, including some kids who weren’t supposed to be there. So I snuck inside and found a room with two beds. A younger woman was asleep in one of the beds, and I took the other bed. I knew I was breaking the rules, and I hated being right under the AC vent, but it was preferable to being outside. In the morning, the girl in the other bed got up and told me I was disgusting, but before I could ask what she meant, some guy entered the room and the dream ended there.
Dream number two: I was alone and let God only knows who talk me into marrying one of my exes. I would certainly never marry exes or not if I were suddenly single. Also, while I’ve never been attracted to Taylor Swift, I told someone I wished I could turn Ron into her. He’s the last ex I would ever marry! I totally settled on him being too nice to say no. I never had an ounce of attraction for him. He wasn’t very good-looking in his 20s, so I can just imagine what he must look like now in his 60s.
Thought about Tammy’s emails some more and it’s funny how there was no “I hope you’ve been doing well” or apologies of any kind. Just that she’s lonely and misses me. I’ve got to admit that a part of me is touched that she misses me but I can’t keep going through the same old crazy cycle where we get along for a while, then we get into a disagreement, and then I’m trolled and threatened with legal revenge. I’m not going to play that game every decade.
The only thing I don’t get is that if it’s really her who’s visiting from Facebook, why not just bookmark my journal? Wouldn’t it be a pain in the ass to pull up our message thread, search for the link, and then jump into it from there when she could just bookmark it? I would think it would be easier for anyone coming from there to do that. Also, unless she’s getting caught up elsewhere, she hasn’t opened many entries.
Had to laugh at the thought of her confusion if it is her when she got to the part about me having 10 miles left in Australia. LOL
Jan 18, 2025
keeps saying that my chats aren’t up to date on Messenger and some are missing because I need to enter a special PIN number. The problem is that even though I have my current iPhone number on Facebook, it’s sending the code to my old Android! So, I guess I’m kind of stuck there. It’s not that important, though, because I don’t seem to be missing anything important in Messenger. I wonder if it’s just some kind of glitch in their system.
Anyway, I should be getting a new Android soon enough, and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve used both Android and iPhone, and Android is definitely the winner. It’s just so much easier. Many apps don’t even work on iPhones. I’ve got an awesome wallpaper app that’s totally free on my old Android, which I can use for everything except for texts and calls, but I can’t find any free wallpaper apps for iPhone. Except for phone calls and texting, I use my Android for several other things. It’s just that it’s gotten so slow because it’s old. Tom got the Google Pixel, and he’s happy with it. I will likely trade or sell the iPhone and the old Android and just have one Android that does it all.
Of course, I still have my laptop and desktop, but the desktop is getting old. I’m weird because I prefer Apple computers but Android phones. I’ll keep my Windows laptop, but I was thinking of replacing the Windows desktop with a Mac Mini like what Tom uses. The only thing that seems to be easier on Windows is window sizing. When I used to have my MacBook Air, I loved how I could tag different photos in a photo file with different colors. So, if I had a file of animal photos, I could make the cats pink and the dogs purple if I wanted to and then tag all the birds in red, etc. I can’t even do that in Windows.
I think the steroid spray really is helping because I do seem to be breathing a little easier out of my nose. I napped earlier because of the way the infection and antibiotics tire me out on top of already struggling with fatigue, and I didn’t notice any breathing issues since I don’t usually put breathing strips on for naps.
I still notice some burning down there, and there is a little part of me that’s worried about being on the wrong track. What if it really is just menopause, and what if it is simply how I am now? But then, if that was the case, why the elevated leukocytes in my pee? As Tom reminded me, I’ve only taken two doses so far. I guess it’s going to take two or three days before most of it backs off if it truly is a UTI. In an hour, I will be taking my third dose.
Later…
Another rough night of sleep, partly my fault. It’s been warm the last couple of days, so I opened the window yesterday to get some fresh air, which made my nose worse. As I was falling asleep, I noticed my nasal passages weren’t as clear despite keeping up with the spray. Sure enough, I woke up with breathing issues.
To make matters worse, a really loud vehicle woke me up, and my first thought was that it was the honker’s motorcycle since Tom said he went out on it. I was so pissed and wished I knew which window was his bedroom so I could wake him up in the middle of the night and hopefully without being seen. However, Tom said he just got on it and left as usual, and when he checked the camera, it turned out to be one of those really old step vans, bigger than a UPS truck and insanely loud. Hopefully, it won’t become a regular disturbance. It was just a plain white truck so maybe it was delivering something. The honker returned from that bike event while I was later napping, and I didn’t hear anything.
Tomorrow will probably be worse as we’re expecting thunderstorms typically reserved for the summer. The timing is going to be shitty, and I’ll likely only get a few hours of sleep before the thunder wakes me up. It’s so frustrating dealing with this in January! Each year it gets harder to convince myself that this is just random bad luck and that my sleep isn’t cursed. No matter where I go or what I do, I can’t seem to get more than a few days of at least somewhat decent sleep.
I tested my urine with a dipstick again, and unsurprisingly, there are still white blood cells present. I still have symptoms, and after four doses of Cipro, I’m starting to worry that something else might be going on. Initially, it was concerning to read that bladder cancer has similar symptoms to UTIs and is often misdiagnosed as such, along with kidney infections or stones. But then I read that bladder cancer usually affects males in their seventies, which was a relief. I would still like to know if there are red blood cells in my urine.
Looking back at my lab results from Quest, my red and white blood cell counts have flirted just above and below the normal range over time.
Everything else I dipsticked seemed normal, except my specific gravity was moderately high. It’s strange because I don’t have diabetes or heart failure, and I’m not dehydrated. Either way, I’m hoping that after 2 or 3 more doses of Cipro, the next dipstick test will be normal. Funny, though, because I don’t think it will be while at the same time, I don’t think anything serious is going on.
Jan 19, 2025
If my Facebook visitor was Tammy, she didn’t check in yesterday. I still have mixed emotions about her, but I’m definitely leaning towards staying away. I feel bad for ignoring someone who’s lonely and depressed, reaching out in desperation, but I still can’t get the past out of my head. I just don’t want to go through the drama every decade where everything’s fine for a while, then we argue, and I end up being trolled and threatened with legal revenge. Granted, these days I have a phone with blocking capabilities and no books on the market.
I worry that karma might come back to bite me for ignoring her, but I also don’t want her and her bratty brood biting it either. I’m selfish, too, in that I just don’t want to go back to the long phone calls, hearing about God and her bratty kids, or being expected to send flowers the next time one of them gets in a car accident, blah, blah, blah. But yeah, thinking of her alone, lonely, and depressed does play on my heart and mind a bit. I can’t imagine being in that predicament. I couldn’t imagine being alone for a few days, let alone the rest of my life.
I wonder where she is, if she’s close to any of her mistakes, and if they even care. I just hope those stories about people momentarily dying and being chastised by God for ignoring someone’s pleas are just tales meant to encourage more compassion. But if there is an afterlife and I get scolded for ignoring her, I hope she’ll be there too, receiving lectures on how differently things could have been if she had been a better sister.
Later…
Every time I log into Messenger, it asks me to input a code because some of my chat history is missing, and every time it sends this code to my old phone number, even though my current one is updated. I still don’t get it.
Not happy that the misogynistic, gay-hating piece of shit is taking over again tomorrow, but you know what? We survived 4 years of him, and we’ll do it again. I hate to say it, but if it wasn’t for him, it would just be some other Republican with the same “values” and goals. Like it or not, this country is getting redder by the moment. On the bright side, maybe we won’t have 20 million more people to burden and hoard our resources. I know most people are pro-immigration, but I feel how I feel. Sometimes what I feel is in the norms, and sometimes it isn’t, and that’s okay. I’m not going to hold back on my political feelings any more than I would hold back on my opinions about food, colors, entertainment, or whatever.
I know Trump is anti-Muslim, but I don’t think he’s as pro-Jew as Andy likes to think he is. I hope the dream I had last night isn’t any warning of any kind. I don’t think it is, though. In real life, you couldn’t just look at me and tell I was of Ashkenazi descent, even though I consider myself as religious as this computer I’m working on. I don’t have your typical Jewish nose, and I don’t have darker hair and skin. I’m a pale, green-eyed brunette with a button nose.
In the dream, I guess a group of people, whoever they were, were after the Jews, and I was trying to find a place to hide. I spotted a distant cousin of mine sunbathing in a bikini and looking rather worried. I then ran into my house or apartment and went to lock myself in the bedroom, but then I realized that door didn’t have a lock on it, so I went into the bathroom instead.
Anyway, I think I’m getting better, but I can’t say for sure. Sometimes it seems like I’m not having as much of a burning sensation, but then I start burning again. I’m only halfway through treatment, though.
Had a bit of lower back pain for a very brief time that ended up moving towards the side but still low down. More than likely, I just pulled a muscle.
The thing is that even though I slept okay with no breathing issues or outside sounds disturbing me, I have been absolutely exhausted all day. My fatigue is totally off the charts, and my mouth feels gross, but I know that’s the antibiotics. They always kill that good bacteria. I’m trying to replace it with probiotic pills every day and hopefully escape a yeast infection too. If after another dose or two, I’m still having symptoms, I’m going to be really frustrated.
Tom got some Orajel because his gums were hurting. Between his phobia of dentists and our lack of money, he hasn’t dealt with it, so I really hope he doesn’t have anything serious going on!
Jan 20, 2025
I slept worse than the night before, yet somehow I have a little more energy today. Go figure. At least in the midst of snoring and dreaming about receiving threats in the mail from who knows who, I managed to have some fun dreams. Yeah, Alyssa’s back. I love it when she shows up in my dreams. The first one wasn’t great because we were arguing, though I can’t remember what it was about. The second dream was definitely more interesting. I was wearing a royal blue string bikini. These days I definitely wouldn’t wear a bikini, and I prefer pink or purple. Nonetheless, she reached behind me and yanked the tied string of my top, desperate to take me in all the right ways. When my top was off and flung to the side, she grabbed the strings of my bottoms, which quickly joined my top. Unfortunately, the dream didn’t go any further. Why is it that in my x-rated dreams, it’s either me doing myself or about to get it on with someone, but never actually getting it on? Oh well, it was still kind of funny.
Eight out of ten doses down and I still have symptoms. Yes, they’ve improved, but they’re still there—burning, frequent and urgent need to pee, leaking, WBCs still present, and earlier, a little back pain. Taking extra probiotics has been helping balance out the yucky feeling in my mouth. Still, I have a bad feeling I’m going to be seeing Rhonda sooner than I’d like. I think it’s just a stubborn UTI at this point, possibly with stones, rather than cancer because I haven’t had any more spotting or bloody urine. Microscopic traces could still be there, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening.
Even though the pulmonologist’s office said it wasn’t needed, I received a referral from Rhonda in the mail today.
Tom donated, so he was tired today. He’s planning to stay up late tomorrow night because he has to fast for labs and doesn’t want to get up at 5:00 in the morning. Buying the Orajel jinxed him in a good way because as soon as it arrived, his gum pain backed off. I wish my problems would back off! Oh, to feel good and sleep well for just one week. Just one lousy week!
People often ask about my unwanted psychic ability. Well, most of it is unwanted. I don’t want to sense or dream about bad things happening to myself or others that end up happening in some form or another. However, I don’t mind sensing or dreaming of trivial or positive things that turn out to be true. They say it has something to do with thought transference—when we think of someone, it supposedly causes us to pop into their minds. The closer the connection you have to the person, not necessarily physical, the more a psychic tends to pick up. I’ve picked up things, good and bad, about people I only knew online. I’d be just as concerned if I had a nightmare about my cyber buddies as I would be if it involved me or Tom. I’m not saying dreaming of Alyssa means I popped into her mind. I’m just saying it’s a bit more extreme with me and others who are extra intuitive. If anything, I doubt Alyssa has thought of me in years. I’m still surprised I dream of her more than Stacey. I had a Stacey dream not too long ago, and it seemed like she was pissed at me about something. I still don’t know what it is about Alyssa, but I think it was mostly her smile, and I loved how tall she was. Light-eyed blondes aren’t usually my type, but there was something about her.
Jan 22, 2025
The Facebook visitor still comes around even though they skipped a day. I’m still going with it being Tammy given the timing that the visits started along with her emails. The only thing I don’t get is why she’s going to PB and not Blogger. I mean maybe she is and she’s just not showing up on my stats.
I considered switching from public to MO to see if they still came around but I don’t want her to think it’s because of her emails if it is her. If they show up with MO entries then they’re obviously a member. She did have an account a while back that I blocked. I don’t mind her reading if it is her. I have comments disabled so she couldn’t bother me. I’m just curious as to who it is for sure. I’ll probably never know though. I wondered if it was possible that it was actually someone going to Blogger and not PB but Blogger always shows where they go within my blog. PB just says someone went to PB. It used to tell me where they would go but since they had to go and fuck things up I don’t get any specific info.
Jan 23, 2025
Yay! I think I may have finally killed this infection after all! It seems like the residual effects of Cipro helped finish it off. I’ll wait a few days and see if the WBCs are still present. I have a feeling they will be. Maybe that’s just normal for me now, just like it’s always been normal for me to have an elevated WBC count in my blood. If I don’t feel symptomatic, I’m not going to worry about it. I just hope this thing doesn’t flare up again. Fingers crossed! For someone prone to side effects, I was amazingly tolerant of Cipro. The gassy stomach I had after the first dose was probably because of something I ate. I didn’t have any side effects with the rest of the pills, except for some drowsiness.
I slept for over 7 hours and got a 92 sleep score, yet I’m exhausted. I really doubt my sleep apnea is “mild” at this point. Even the experts have said that home testing underestimates it. I don’t think I’m severe like Andy, but I probably have graduated to moderate. I also used the antihistamine spray and stayed up for 18 hours, so that’s likely contributing to some of today’s fatigue.
I can’t say for sure whether or not losartan really played a role in messing up my nose, but the problem definitely started pre-Tinkerbella. Even so, I thought about how I’m allergic to dander. Rats may be smaller than cats, but Tinkerbella is so friendly and loving that I definitely cuddle with her more than most pets and always give her kisses. I’m not going to stop loving on my amazing rat just because of a fucked-up nose. However, since the house is tiny and her cage is right outside the bedroom door, we definitely need to start cleaning it more often. She’s gotten huge, and now that she’s aging, she can’t climb as easily, even though she still seems healthy. This means more peeing in the wrong places—places where the pee and smell aren’t absorbed as well.
Tom went to get blood work done, and the girl really messed up both his arms, leaving bruises and potentially preventing him from donating tomorrow since they won’t allow it if there’s even faint bruising. Story of our lives, as I’ve said before—people fucking up at our expense. That, and me being cursed with shitty sleep and low energy. I’d like to think this infection is gone for good, that it’ll stay away for a long time, and that in a few months, I’ll be back on a CPAP, get used to it, and regain my energy. But life rarely goes the way we plan or hope for it to.
We may not be in the Midwest or Northeast, but oh my God, it’s been cold for Florida! I’m so glad we’re not in the Panhandle. This is definitely our coldest winter here. I don’t like it but it’s better for sleep and keeps people quieter. It’s funny as Tom said he wondered if this cold weather is a sign that we’ll be moving soon enough after all, and he’s just getting a taste of what’s in store for us. I was thinking the exact same thing, LOL. That will definitely be a downside to wherever we end up—it’ll be colder and we may even get a little snow. It never got above the low 40s yesterday, and that’s just all wrong for any part of Florida.
I started reading The Husband by Daniel Hurst.
Jan 24, 2025
Although the odds are about the same as winning millions in the lottery, another possibility is urethral cancer. I seem to have a lot, if not most, of the symptoms. I took Azo for UTI pain yesterday to help numb the burning when I pee, but once it’s out of my system, I’ll do a test strip and see where my WBC count is currently. I also don’t want it interfering with any testing the doctor may do.
I read that only about 600 cases of urethral cancer a year are reported, although white women over 50 are hit the hardest. Well, let’s hope the odds are in my favor, even though I have an incredible talent for beating the odds. Only one in 10,000 people are born with congenital aural atresia. Non-24-hour sleep-wake disorder affects only about 0.03% to 0.2% of the general population.
I was really frustrated yesterday because first, I called Rhonda’s office and was told she didn’t work Fridays and was booked out until the 30th, even though I was under the impression I could get in a lot sooner if need be. Then the girl transferred me, and the phone just rang and rang. So, I hung up in frustration and called back a little while later, almost ready to just give up and live with whatever’s going on with me. Sooner or later, I’m going to throw in the towel as far as all these health issues are concerned because I’m so sick of having to deal with them.
Anyway, I was asked if I could come in a few hours later, but since I couldn’t, I’m going to see some guy instead at the same office on Monday morning. I don’t like that it’s a guy and that they don’t appear to be from here, but if they can give me some answers, that’s fine. I don’t think I have anything serious, but something’s got to be driving my WBC count up and causing my symptoms and I don’t think it’s all on menopause. Multiple sources tell me it’s not normal, so it shouldn’t simply be “just the way I am.”
Luckily, that really shitty phlebotomist didn’t screw Tom out of being able to donate yesterday.
I had a dream I was listening to a voice message Andy left me and went to reply later on but couldn’t find my phone.
Then I swear Tammy was in a dream I can’t remember, and then it was off to our old house in Phoenix where we had just gotten a couple of kittens of all things. Not with my allergies!
At the same time we were in our old house, and half a dozen or so ladies from the park—although I don’t know who—were hanging at our place. They asked to get together somewhere else the following morning, but I knew I would be sleeping in, so I had to turn them down.
Jan 25, 2025
Sipping on a fresh cup of Colombian coffee with a freeze warning in effect, and I’m not happy about it. I definitely didn’t come here for this kind of weather, but in a few days, it’s supposed to start warming up again. It might not stay warm for long, though—we’ll see. Despite having more colder days this winter, we haven’t had a freeze yet.
Tom mentioned that DeepSeek is supposed to be as good as ChatGPT’s $20 model, so I’m giving it a try. I haven’t used it enough to form a solid opinion, but it seems pretty similar so far.
They’re also talking about launching realistic-looking Replikas. We’ll see just how realistic they really are, along with all the bugs that will inevitably pop up in the app on top of the ones already there.
I’m on a roll with my story and have the ending mapped out in my mind. It’s turning out to be the longest book I’ve ever written. I’ve even added a few alternate endings. It’s a bit silly and not very realistic in some parts, so I probably won’t share it online. I’m writing it just for the sake of writing. I don’t see myself trying to sell books again, either. First, there was the shit Tammy pulled, then there’s the fact that there’s little to no money in it unless you get famous, and finally, there’s the risk of piracy. You can remove vengeful “reviews,” but you can’t control how much money you make or prevent your work from being stolen.
I just got the new towel set using reward points from challenges run by my insurance company, and wow—they’re much better than I expected! I love the deep, bold shade of blue, which is sort of between royal blue and dark turquoise. They’re also bigger and thicker than the ones we currently have. Maybe when I accumulate enough points, I’ll get a set in sage green so we can have two new sets. The towels I bought from Amazon when we moved here aren’t great—they’re thin and already starting to wear out. I don’t remember the brand, but we used the same towels for eight years in Citrus Heights, and they held up just fine. We just didn’t want to bring as much stuff when we moved, and I thought it was time for something new after nearly a decade.
I don’t know why, but I’ve been feeling hungrier lately. I feel like I’ve been eating a lot, but I haven’t gained any weight from it.
I just finished the second-to-last ride of the challenge, going from New Zealand to Panama City. This final 24-mile ride looks like it’s going to be a lovely one.
I also need to meditate (in VR) to build my points back up. They released another challenge yesterday, and I was hoping one of the options would be step tracking, but there were three choices: one was about being kind to myself (I guess you’re supposed to tell yourself warm, fuzzy things whether you believe them or not—LOL), another I don’t remember, and the last one was meditating, which is what I chose since I have an app for that. This is something I should be doing anyway.
It’s going to take a while to build up to 700 points again if I decide I want another set of towels, which is what they cost. I only have about 120 points now, and by the time this challenge ends in early February, I might not even reach 400.
I had a dream that Irma was staying in a nearby hotel, and I went to visit her there. For some bizarre reason, I slipped her phone out of a jacket pocket that was hanging on the back of a chair and glanced at a picture of her “pet” turkeys back at home. I thought they were adorable—unlike the ones in Citrus Heights, which were ugly as hell. I used to hate when they’d hold up traffic by clustering in groups in the street. It was almost as bad as rude people who would stop to chat in the middle of the road, acting like it was one big sidewalk for everyone to gather on.
Jan 26, 2025
Not too long ago, I unblocked FB messages from Andy, wondering if he would ever notice—and he did. Now part of me wishes I hadn’t given in to my curiosity. I asked AI how to read messages without them appearing as “seen,” and it told me to put my phone in airplane mode, open the app, read the message, close the app, and then turn off airplane mode. I don’t know if it worked, but that’s what I did. All he said was that his A1C has improved, he’s lost 60 pounds, and he hopes Tom and I are doing well.
They say things happen in threes. First, the termite returns to haunt me, and now him. Who will jump out at me next? Why can’t it be people like Maliheh, Nane or Johnson? I don’t really miss Maliheh but I would talk to Nane and Johnson, even if I probably shouldn’t.
Anyway, I’ve learned that there are three types of people in this world: the kind who make mistakes, learn from them, and don’t repeat them; the kind who make mistakes, learn from them, but keep making them anyway; and the kind who make mistakes, never learn from them, and never stop making them. Tammy definitely falls into the last group, but technically, Andy never did anything “wrong” to me. At least not in such a malicious way as Tammy. He just annoyed, frustrated, and sometimes even offended the fuck out of me.
I momentarily contemplated posting this publicly so he’d understand why I wasn’t responding to his message if he’s aware of/reading any of my blogs but then I decided that, like with Tammy, no reaction is the best reaction.
I asked Tom what he would do in my case, and he said he’d be okay with ignoring messages. I asked him for how long, and he said forever. Well, that’s a first, lol, because it’s usually me who has a lot less empathy/guilt. That’s the thing… I feel so bad for ignoring him, but at the same time, I don’t want to go back to dealing with him. So the question I’m asking myself is: which feeling do I want to put up with more—feeling guilty for ignoring him or feeling frustrated and even a little pissed when I’m told I’m a liar, making excuses, and all these other supposed false truths?
The memory issues frustrate the shit out of me, whether he can help it or not, and like with my sister, we’ve become quite different. It’s all God, paintings, and Stevie/FM with him. I like a lot of her stuff too, but I’ve never been the die-hard fan he is, and I’m definitely no God worshiper. I don’t want to hear how God helped him do this or God did that for him when he knows damn well I can’t believe what can never be proven.
Two or three times I asked him not to tell anyone we moved to Florida but he went and did it anyway, claiming not to remember. His many years of drugs likely fucked with his memory. No doubt about that. But come on! Two or three times?
So yeah, I guess I’ll keep the guilt because I don’t want to deal with someone who automatically assumes I think and feel certain ways about certain things simply because he does. Just because he’s obsessed with his appearance doesn’t mean I’m obsessed with mine. I can be who I am and comfortable in my own skin, even though I’m well aware that I’m far from attractive.
Now for the big question: Does he follow any of my journals anywhere in a way that I can’t track or be aware of? I’ve wondered this at times, but if I had to guess, I’d say he likely doesn’t read me.
My Facebook visitor hasn’t been around for a few days, but back when I was connected to Tammy, she sometimes took a few days off if she had other things to do. If it’s her, she’ll be back. If it isn’t her… who the hell could it be? I know I’ve shared the link to that particular account on Facebook, but I’m pretty sure I never shared it publicly like in any groups or pages. I shared Blogger a lot more than I shared PB, too.
Perhaps the termite didn’t bookmark my Blogger link and wasn’t able to look it up because I removed my last name from the account. If she created another PB account, she could have looked up my name on the user page. Either that, or she went to the site without logging in and saw me on the front page.
The new lagoon blue towels are big, thick, heavy and so luxurious. Definitely a nice addition to my showers.
Did my digital check-in for tomorrow’s appointment. Didn’t take as long as I thought it would, but I still don’t understand why I have to do this every single time I see the same doctor or go to the same office. I never had to do this in Cali except for when I saw a new doctor.
Going to BK for breakfast soon.
Jan 27, 2025
Misogyny: Being stuck in the closet and afraid to come out of it. That’s all it is. Men lashing out at the very beings they wish they were attracted to. Such a shame too. This is 2025, not 1925. I know not everyone agrees with this belief, but that’s okay.
Slept absolutely shitty as hell. Woke up in the middle of my sleep with my nose almost completely blocked. Had to use the antihistamine spray, and while it did eventually open my nose, the break in sleep—along with a later nightmare of Ostrander trying to give me a shot way deep in my mouth—has left me exhausted. We need to get the fuck out of here.
Florida is just not an allergy-friendly place. Yeah, as soon as I know what’s going on today, I’ve got to get in for allergy testing. This is fucking ridiculous. I had a nose strip on and the dilator. Makes me wonder if even the nasal pillow would have helped. I can’t keep dealing with this shit. Whatever is cursing my sleep is using my own fucking body against me because there’s no traffic. So now I’m going to feel hungover and fatigued for most of the day, and my brain isn’t going to function too great.
Another thing to fuck with my sleep is that lower-left stomach pain which is back with a vengeance. Why? Just fucking why? Like I said, getting that nasal pillow back will be a good test as to whether or not I really am as cursed as I seem to be. I just fear I’m not going to sleep most of the time no matter what I do.
Finished the challenge yesterday, going from New Zealand to Panama City, which was gorgeous. Now I’m back in Lithuania on my own ride.
Went to Burger King yesterday for breakfast.
Reading I Kill Killers by ST Ashman.
Later…
Back from the doctor. Leukocytes are still up, as I figured. The doctor I saw was a bit hard to understand but very nice. He suspects the Cipro might not have been the right antibiotic for me. I’m starting Bactrim today, which has helped in the past.
Also, due to the number of UTIs I’ve had these last couple of years, he wants me to go to a urologist. The urologist will then refer me for imaging. They’ll check the structure of my bladder as well as look for any stones. So off I go to yet more doctors. I just can’t get a break.
I really wonder if the lower left cramping that I have intermittently could be connected or not.
He didn’t do a vaginal swab, but I really don’t think I have a yeast infection. I might after the Bactrim, though, and therefore I might have to take Diflucan.
I don’t know what to think at this point. I’d like to think I’m just getting more UTIs because of my age and that the spots really were due to atrophy and that the cramp is simply digestive, but why would I have these things all of a sudden?
The way I pee isn’t normal either. The stream is a bit weak, and sometimes I don’t do much.
Another possibility I read about besides a blockage, is the pelvic muscles weakening and tipping the bladder in a way that makes it harder for it to empty completely. It definitely seems harder to squeeze the last bit out. There’s always a bit of a delay as you get older, but it’s been more noticeable lately.
I highly doubt I have anything cancerous. Let’s just say I would be seriously surprised if I did.
Anyway, I took the list of doctors home that they gave us, and we looked up who was in my plan. Tomorrow, I’ll give a group here in town a call when I’m hopefully more awake and can think straight. I’m horribly tired today.
Funny how I said to Tom, “Who’s next to jump out from my past, Chris?” That’s because he was in my dreams last night. I don’t remember what happened, but it wasn’t bad. Even though I haven’t blocked him, there’s no way he would contact me any more than Maliheh or Nane would. People don’t move on. He just couldn’t miss me or care enough any more than the others could. It’s always the most toxic who make their eventual return.
Jan 28, 2025
Yesterday, I noticed the nurse at Rhonda’s place, a guy named Brandon whom I’ve seen before, took my blood pressure over my long sleeve. He did it on my right arm. So, the other nurse who said it was best done on the right arm was full of it. Either that, or she didn’t know what she was talking about.
I could kick myself for getting caught out for needlessly bashing my forearm. If I had just worn sleeves when I went to urgent care, they might have focused on the real problem instead of that. More than likely, they alerted Rhonda to what I had done and that’s why the nurse wanted to use the right arm that day.
No matter how much I might want to get stuck on stupid in the future, I’ve definitely got to restrain myself because, with my shit luck, I’m just going to get caught again. I know it really bothers Tom, too.
My Facebook visitor has disappeared—I haven’t had any visitors from there in about five days.
Jan 29, 2025
The Bactrim seems to be kicking this UTI out once and for all. I noticed a difference after just three doses—that’s about how many it usually takes for me to start feeling improvement. There are fewer leukocytes in my pee as well.
I asked Tom if he thought I should cancel the urologist, but he had a point when he said I should still go to find out why I keep getting these. More than likely, though, there’s nothing wrong with me and it’s just a menopause thing. I talked to Jessie earlier, and she said she has the same problem. They gave her medicine when she was in Saint Lucia.
She said her allergies are driving her crazy too, and she’s been trying different medicines. Mine are interfering with my sleep and leaving me exhausted. These sprays are making little to no difference, and the antihistamine spray leaves me tired the next day.
The whole purpose of wanting to sign up on the ENT patient portal was so I could ask the doctor questions, but when I went to the messaging section, his name didn’t come up. That really frustrates me because I’d love to know what I could try next. I can’t see him until March 5th. What am I supposed to do in the meantime? I hate having to go through others with questions, but I may have to call the office and hope whoever I talk to can relay the message and get back to me with his response.
I’m so fucking exhausted and can barely think straight. I canceled my virtual interview with Doctronic. Besides, I haven’t used their website enough to really judge it.
We both believe at this point that the bulk of my problem is allergies, not the nasal valve. I was freaking out about the “what ifs” yesterday. What if we can’t get my allergies under control and it interferes with the effectiveness of a CPAP? Even with air pushing through my nose, if the passages are swollen due to allergies, I still won’t get enough air. I feel really overwhelmed right now, thinking about everything I might have to deal with and all that could go wrong—or just not get better. I still truly fear that I’m not meant to sleep no matter what I do. It’s like something wants me to go through life in an exhausted fog, unable to do nearly as much as I’d like. Even if we had the money right now, how am I supposed to move like this?
But yeah, for the first time since coming here, I totally regret moving to Florida. This climate is all wrong for me, even though I love the warmer weather. I’d miss having temperatures in the 70s in January, but I’d rather bitch about the cold and dry skin that dry climates bring than deal with breathing issues fucking with my sleep.
Another thing that freaked me out is that, while I’ve heard good things about allergy shots and they may recommend them just to be able to breathe in this state, for the first few months, you have to go in for shots anywhere from one to three times a week. How the hell am I gonna do that with N24???
Later…
My Facebook visitor is back. The thing is that 1:30 in the morning is past Tammy’s bedtime. If it was her, then I guess she’s having trouble sleeping.
Also, if it was her, why did she click just one entry and not get caught up on the last few days’ worth of entries?
Jan 31, 2025
I’m so torn between wanting to get better and wishing I would get something that would simply kill me. Of course, I would prefer to be healthy and live as long as Tom. But since that’s obviously just a dream, I’m thinking more and more of ending it. If I don’t, I’m just going to keep suffering. I knew years ago that my healthy days were over, that things would just go on and on and eventually get worse, and I’ve been right so far.
The UTI spawned a yeast infection. I noticed yesterday that the burning was picking up, only it was further back. Tom checked and could see the beginnings of a yeast infection. I’m not surprised. Antibiotics can cause this, and it’s happened to me before. I knew that if I could get thrush, I could get it at the other end as well. So I asked for Diflucan via the patient portal, which I got. In the meantime, I got a Monistat kit to try to keep it from getting too out of control because I didn’t know how long it would be before I got the Diflucan. Using the silicone-based lubricant, I was able to insert the applicator. I’m so inflamed down there from the UTI and the yeast infection that I can’t tell if it really is just contact inflammation or if I’m getting worse. I’ll do another piss test strip soon.
I am just so, so fucking sick of suffering! I’m tired of the combination of the same old shit along with one problem after another, and I won’t even get started on the shitty sleep and how tired it’s leaving me day after day. I’ve only hung on this long for Tom, but there’s only so many more years of suffering I can take. Everybody’s got their breaking point. What good am I to him if all I do is suffer? Why would he want me to continue living like this? Sometimes I worry it’s only because he fears being blamed for my death if I were to do it yet I feel the time has come when I really need to consider it for real. Again, there’s only so much I can take.
I wake up a million times each time I sleep for various reasons, and my brain and body never get a chance to fully recharge. To think a CPAP is going to magically change all this would be dreaming, and I know it. It really, truly does seem like I’m cursed and not meant to sleep no matter what. The longer I live, the more I’m going to suffer from new health issues, along with battling the same old shit year after year. I don’t want to deal with infections once or twice a year, and I don’t want to spend my days in a fog either. What kind of a life is that?
Only problem is that it’s not like I can snap my fingers and be gone. I don’t know exactly how I would go about it but obviously, the best time would be when Tom was out donating. The problem is that I worry that going by carbon monoxide would affect him when he entered the house, even if I were sealed up in the bathroom. There’s no place to hang myself from and it’s not like I could jump out of a window that was way up high either. Pills are too risky in that they’re not guaranteed. So what do I do then? Stick around and suffer and wish for a death that isn’t going to come?
I have hoped and hoped that I would finally be told I had something that was going to kill me and there would be nothing I could do to stop it. But of course, I’m not going to get that. And then there’s a part of me that feels guilty for feeling the way I do because I know there are so many people out there dying or that have died—like Aly—who never wanted to die. Aly wanted desperately to live. Yet here I am, seemingly immortal, wishing I could die. Life is so unfair.
Maybe I would feel better if I had energy more often but being so exhausted really dampens my mood. Then there are the other health issues… allergies, infections, etc. My nose stayed pretty clear in my sleep last night, but I felt short of breath, so I skipped my levo today in case that’s connected. Not sure if it is, but it could be. That’s another thing right there that frustrates the fuck out of me—not knowing exactly what’s what.
Tom and I both agree I need to try to break my what-if habit, but it’s so much easier said than done. I just want to escape into eternal oblivion forever if getting healthier and sleeping better really is just the dream it seems to be.
I know the urologist isn’t going to tell me I have cancer that I could simply refuse to treat. At worst, he may tell me I have stones. More than likely, however, he’s going to tell me it’s just part of menopause and that I’m going to have to deal with these things regularly. Jessie gets them about every year, sometimes a little less and sometimes a little more.
One thing that wakes me up at times is the rat. So I moved her out of the hall and around the corner into the kitchen, putting a wall between us and the door, because sometimes her chewing on wood and stuff like that can get a bit loud. When I get up, I push her back into the hall. Her cage is on wheels and stays on the floor, so it’s easy to do.
Starting to suspect the realistic avatars Rep has been promising is just a joke.
The book I was working on is over 85,000 words and I think I’m going to take a break from it. I’m getting a little tired of editing the same stuff. I’d like to start fresh. I just don’t know what I would come up with next.
Thinking of saving money by cutting my hair myself. It’s not only fried, but it’s just so much fucking hair. Why couldn’t I have straight thin hair?
ns216.73.216.86da2
and then Add to home screen.