It was a glorious May morning, and Esther the Bunny Thumper was coming back from her morning sing-along at the brook. She had a bag full of pineapples, and she skipped as she walked back up the path to her house.
The mushrooms had been particularly unruly that morning, she thought to herself as she went. Good thing she hadn’t waited till later in the day—that would’ve ended badly.
So proud of herself was she that she didn’t even notice the RLS (Rather Large Salamander) stalking her until it was too late.
Everyone assumes the problem with RLSs is that they will eat you. This is untrue—they are vegetarian.
No, the problem with RLSs is that they are collectively enormous fans of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. Given the opportunity, they will talk to you about the masterpieces of MacBeth, Hamlet, and Romeo and Juliet, until they are blue in the face, and you have decided never to read (or walk the forest path) ever again.
She almost made it. She was almost safe. She was almost back to her humble home in the hamlet (I just realized I have two senses of hamlet in this story, and I think that’s quite impressive, as both are rather obscure.)
But just before she crossed the boundary stones to go back home, she heard it—
that otherworldly grumbling that signaled the presence of an RLS.
Realizing the danger too late, she did all she could—cried, screamed, even threw her basket and ran the other way as a diversion.
It was no use, however. She was out of time and out of luck.
Casting herself on the ground, Esther sobbed, and accepted her fate.
The RLS’s foot thudded just beside her head. She screamed again, paralyzed with fear.
He leaned down and bared his teeth, brushing them against her ear.
Trembling, she thought once more of her beloved Johnny, and prepared to meet her maker.
The RLS curled back its tongue.
Then it whispered, gently, into her ear:
“To be or not to be—that is the question.”
It then recited Hamlet’s entire soliloquy to poor sweet terrified Esther, and, once complete, sat down excitedly by the side of the road, breathless, and said “How did I do? Oh, I’ve been working on that for months. Did I get it right? Did I leave anything out? Was I believable? Did you get bored at any point? Give me feedback! I so crave feedback! Oh, I was so nervous!”
Unable to handle the pressure of live performance, the RLS sank dramatically to the ground, leaving poor Esther to decide whether or not to assuage the poor creature and applaud his performance, or run for her life while she called the police.
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**My new book, Death By Guillotine, and Other High-End Services, drops this week. Check back for the link! Or just wait a few days and google it :)
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